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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AQIBU grounding my son?!

119 replies

unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:16

Am a single parent and feeling like poo about this but think I have made the right call - would like to invite opinion.....

Kids on half term - 9 yr old is in holiday club DD is nearly 12 and DS nearly 14 have trusted them to be left here, meet friends at the park, go swimming etc (got them a timetable and gave them money), they have 3 phone numbers for me and know what to do in an emergency and I phone every hour, and leave a packed lunch for them each in the fridge - am working for 5 hours a day and on leave next week. It is not ideal but I felt I should give them a little responsibility.

Their dad won't help although his partner had a good old bitch (to the kids) at the weekend about how unbelievably irresponsible I am and how its illegal to leave them as they are under 14 (I know it is not as I am the Child Protection Lead at work Hmm nonetheless worrying the kids that I might get into trouble). So this is in the forefront of my mind if anything happens I will have to deal with the fall out from them of "I told you so" (even though they/he refused to help Hmm).

Rules are they have to stay together, be sensible, and they have to have their phones with them at all times (charged and switched on) and let me know their movements.

Yesterday I got home and called them to see where they were and they had split up and gone to separate friends houses which I wasn't happy about as they had broken one of the rules and I also don't want it to seem I am imposing the responsibility of them on other kids parents. Was angry, told them off, warned them if it happened again there would be consequences.

Today I get home to find the same thing has happened again and DD didn't even have her phone on her.

DS is supposed to go to this nightclub under 18s party tonight (so wasn't too keen tbh) from 7 - 11 (doubley not keen as would have to drag other kids and myself out to get him) for a girl he is madly in love with Hmm. I have told him he is not going as he can't prove he can be responsible and do as he is told.

He is beside himself with grief in his bedroom and I feel like shit.

Is this fair or AIBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/04/2011 16:51

Oh, just ground them both, and keep them in the house while you are out then. Much easier isnt it.

Dont let them see their friends.

Have fun in a couple of years when you have two very pissed off teens who cant wait to leave home and get some freedom.

nulliusxinxverbax · 12/04/2011 16:51

It does sound as tho the daughter broke more rules than the son.

So he shouldnt get the worst punishment.

Really, a nine yr old going to a club shouldnt be dependant on whether the 13 yr old is prepared to look after him anyway.

Id look for family members or childcare to keep an eye on them, at least the two youngest.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:52

Will do as Rosec says as it is one of the only sensible and helpful suggestions - thanks MN Smile

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 12/04/2011 16:52

If you are punishing him for his sister buggering off..then you are holding him responsible

I'm glad you are letting him go

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:52

I have no family to look after them - if I did do you not think I would have asked them?

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:53

They will BOTH be punished - jeez!

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/04/2011 16:54

YANBU.

Although I think it would be wise to reassess the disco thing, because if I was your ds I'd hate you (in a teenagerly fashion) and I don't think this particular situation is worth being hated for.

It's perfectly OK imo to sometimes admit that one's been a little harsh and downgrade a punishment. I know people bang on about following threats through, but sometimes that turns into pig-headedness.

I think expecting them to stick together for a whole week is a bit much. Maybe a couple of non-consecutive days spread over the hols - so they're not estranged from their friends for too long - would be more doable.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/04/2011 16:54

x-posted with about a million people (probably because it took me so long to work out how to spell consecutive!)

SuchProspects · 12/04/2011 16:55

YANBU.

Staying together, even if they see it as a burden (and the splitting up suggests they do), is not an unreasonable request. There is no reason why you shouldn't expect your kids to do things that aren't exactly what they want all they time. They are old enough to start having some responsibility.

But they aren't staying together, and it seems that's something you think is important for their safety. So if they continue to split up even after being punished you will need to rethink your arrangements. And now that you've backed down on a punishment as soon as your DS kicked up a fuss, what is going to make them stay together?

BluddyMoFo · 12/04/2011 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:58

BluddyMoFo - I asked a question about my punishment - not 5000 opinions on my childcare arrangements - its bloody hard - no one will help me and I cannot afford to put them all into clubs.

I wasn't asking for commnets about that - I admitted it isn't ideal but my leave won't cover it and childcare for those age groups where we live is woeful.

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/04/2011 16:59

But Rosec's suggestion was the most constructive. I'm not surprised the OP's gone with that one.

titchy · 12/04/2011 17:01

Actually I completely understand why you want them both to stick together.... If something happens to one, then the other can help. A dodgy situation somewhere (e.g. the pervert on the corner- type thing) doens't feel too bad if soemone is with you - whereas a child on their own would feel quite vulnerable. I too feel there's safety in numbers and at the moment won't leave mine for a long period unless they're together Blush.

However at 12 and 14 (mine are 2 years youonger) I think you have to balance the 'what-ifs' with what is practical, and obviously they want to be with their own friends rathr than each other. So - maybe the younger one needs to be in a holiday club too for now. Unless you'd trust her on her own for 5 hours? Maybe acknowledge they want to do their own thing, but phone them both every hour?

I think you might have over-reacted a bit tbh and would let him go - but again he needs to prove he can be trustworthy - can you think of anythign he can do to earnt hat trust back?

worraliberty · 12/04/2011 17:01

Why cant they stay in doors for five hours? Mine did, they were perfectly fine didnt even get up till gone 11, I came home at lunchtimes and fed them, then went back to work.

Fabbychic It's Spring, the weather is lovely...and even if it wasn't, What parent would seriously want their kids cooped up indoors and even worse, lazing in bed til gone 11?

tyzer2001 · 12/04/2011 17:03

12 and 14? Let them do their own thing and stop flapping. In some countries they'd be working by now. Heck, in some countries they'd be PARENTS by now. Double heck - in THIS country they'd be parents by now... I'm losing the plot but I'm sure you get my drift. They're not children but teens, and you're doing yourself and them no favours by treating them as children.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/04/2011 17:04

unsure I worry about that too. For now ds goes to an excellent holiday club. We also do swaps with other working parents and split our leave - dp and I rarely get time off together but hey ho.

But when he goes to secondary it's going to get really tricky I think, for the first couple of years at least.

I can see one of us whizzing home at lunchtime sometimes, as Fabby does. Ds struggles to get up in the morning at 10 so by the time he's 13 I reckon he'll be lying in until 13:00 in the hols Grin Which only leaves another few hours before one of us finsishes work (God bless flexi)

tyzer2001 · 12/04/2011 17:04

Addendum - I hadn't read the whole thread, still haven't. But I have read your last post and since your punishment is directly tied in to your childcare arrangements, then yes, you did invite comment, and yes, YABU.

princessparty · 12/04/2011 17:05

It worries me that the head of child protection has raised a child that she doesn't think is safe to be responsible for himself for 5 hours.

TotemPole · 12/04/2011 17:09

When I was 11 I wouldn't have wanted my 13 year old brother coming around with me over the holidays. I was out with friends. We'd go into town or hang around at each other's houses. No such thing as mobiles back then.

I suppose it depends on the area you live in, how much crime/traffic/danger etc.

I'd reinforce the phones switched on and charged. And if they can't stick to it, that would be 3 strikes so warrant a punishment.

I'd let the lad go to the disco.

FabbyChic · 12/04/2011 17:10

My children used to sit in the garden, at lunchtimes I would fill up the pool so they could mess around in it.

Mine are now 23 and 17 no harm came to them at all. The eldest saw his friends in the evenings when I got home at 5.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 17:10

Erm princessparty - it worries me how many people on here don't read posts properly.....Hmm

OP posts:
nulliusxinxverbax · 12/04/2011 17:12

Its hard bieng single parent to three and no leave, I understand.

But you still need to find a way around this, fact is, son should really be allowed out and off by himself, the other two are a bit young. thats the problem.

Id give daddy a call and tell him to stop bieng so lazy and selfish and to pull his weight.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 17:13

I have tried - all he and his partner do is slag me off for leaving them (to them) and refuses to help.

OP posts:
alistron1 · 12/04/2011 17:15

OP, I don't think YABU in your arrangements while you are working in the hols. TBH, I'd be even more draconian and not let them go gallivanting about while I was at work!!

You set out clear rules and they didn't follow them. However, seeing as I'm a softie at heart I'd recant on the ban on the disco, be the bigger person and let the poor lad go!!

exoticfruits · 12/04/2011 17:17

I would have a discussion-change the rules, which seem unfair and let him go out.