Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AQIBU grounding my son?!

119 replies

unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:16

Am a single parent and feeling like poo about this but think I have made the right call - would like to invite opinion.....

Kids on half term - 9 yr old is in holiday club DD is nearly 12 and DS nearly 14 have trusted them to be left here, meet friends at the park, go swimming etc (got them a timetable and gave them money), they have 3 phone numbers for me and know what to do in an emergency and I phone every hour, and leave a packed lunch for them each in the fridge - am working for 5 hours a day and on leave next week. It is not ideal but I felt I should give them a little responsibility.

Their dad won't help although his partner had a good old bitch (to the kids) at the weekend about how unbelievably irresponsible I am and how its illegal to leave them as they are under 14 (I know it is not as I am the Child Protection Lead at work Hmm nonetheless worrying the kids that I might get into trouble). So this is in the forefront of my mind if anything happens I will have to deal with the fall out from them of "I told you so" (even though they/he refused to help Hmm).

Rules are they have to stay together, be sensible, and they have to have their phones with them at all times (charged and switched on) and let me know their movements.

Yesterday I got home and called them to see where they were and they had split up and gone to separate friends houses which I wasn't happy about as they had broken one of the rules and I also don't want it to seem I am imposing the responsibility of them on other kids parents. Was angry, told them off, warned them if it happened again there would be consequences.

Today I get home to find the same thing has happened again and DD didn't even have her phone on her.

DS is supposed to go to this nightclub under 18s party tonight (so wasn't too keen tbh) from 7 - 11 (doubley not keen as would have to drag other kids and myself out to get him) for a girl he is madly in love with Hmm. I have told him he is not going as he can't prove he can be responsible and do as he is told.

He is beside himself with grief in his bedroom and I feel like shit.

Is this fair or AIBU?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 12/04/2011 16:36

I think you should let your son go, I think it is unfair to stop him going to something he was looking forward to so much, its plain mean.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 12/04/2011 16:37

'They have to stay together if I am here as well.'

Seriously????? Why? That is so odd.

worraliberty · 12/04/2011 16:37

Look obviously they do want to do things seperately if they keep splitting up.

You really need to sort out some proper childcare until the time comes when you allow them to enjoy seperate social lives.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:37

Well thats tough because they don't want to go to holiday club or have a babysitter. I want them to stay together, they are my rules.

I just wondered if my punishment was a bit harsh because I felt like shit about it. I have concluded maybe it is.

And I put NEARLY 12 and 14 which they are Hmm

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/04/2011 16:37

My mum made me mind my little brother during the holidays. I dumped him at every available opportunity. I think it's unfair to expect your DS to be ultimately responsible. At that age, asking them to be responsible for themselves is enough imo.

nulliusxinxverbax · 12/04/2011 16:38

To be honest, I think you need to sort someone to watch them, especially the 12 yr old.

Trust me that, even well behaved reliable children, will be more likely to get up to no good if they know they have an empty house / free time to go where they like every holiday.

They probably dont like sticking together.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:39

I do ask them to be responsible for themselves, I just ask that they stay together.

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:40

That was the rule they broke - it doesn't really matter whether its right or wrong does it? They didn't do as they were told.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 12/04/2011 16:40

Anyway, if he ends up 'dating' this girl he's madly in love with, he's even less likely to want his 11yr old sister cramping his style.....

squeakytoy · 12/04/2011 16:41

What would you do if you had an only child?

CoffeeDodger · 12/04/2011 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 12/04/2011 16:41

Why cant they stay in doors for five hours? Mine did, they were perfectly fine didnt even get up till gone 11, I came home at lunchtimes and fed them, then went back to work.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 12/04/2011 16:42

If it's unrealistic then yes it does matter whether it's right or wrong, because unrealistic rules are going to be broken if you punish them or not, they'll just be more careful not to get caught next time. Your DD will still be left on her own.

BluddyMoFo · 12/04/2011 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:43

I don't have an only child so thats a ridiculous question.

OP posts:
RoseC · 12/04/2011 16:43

OP - give them a choice. Maybe sit them down and point out that, ultimately, you are responsible for their care and have to know they are safe and you can't be worrying about them all day when you are meant to be working. Either they stay together, with their phones, and retain their independence or you stick them in the most boring holiday club imaginable (finances allowing).

I don't think expecting them to stay together is too much. My sister and I were made to do exactly the same, at home and in Mum's workplace town, from 10 and 8 respectively. We had exactly the same rules (minus mobile phones) that you laid out for your DCs. The alternative for us was a boring holiday club we had asked not to go to. Ultimately they have to abide by your rules - just make it clear that you are doing them a favour by giving them (some) autonomy.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:44

I don't think its unrealistic?! FFS we are a family and we look out for each other? Is there really anything wrong with that?

Yes BluddyMOFO shouldn't known better than to post really as was already feeling like shite Hmm

I have told him he can go to the disco.

OP posts:
princessparty · 12/04/2011 16:45

Either your DD is old enough to be left alone while you're at work, or you organise proper chilcare.You are being very unreasonable and taking advantage of your DS-your DD is your responsibility not his!!

squeakytoy · 12/04/2011 16:46

No, it isnt a ridiculous question, because if you only had one child, and still went to work, you would have to allow them to go out on their own, would you not?

I just do not for the life of me understand why you insist on a two siblings of opposite sex being tied to each other at all times. It clearly isnt what they want, hence the reason they have gone against your rules.

I dont know of any other parent who would put those restrictions on children who are at secondary school.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:47

They look out for each other - I have not said at any point that he is in charge/babysitting/responsible?....

I think there is safety in numbers and I want them together in the same place thats all - I don't think thats weird/wrong/unfair/unbalanced/mad or anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:48

I don't only have one child I have 3 and my youngest is in holiday club?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 12/04/2011 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FAB5 · 12/04/2011 16:49

Regardless of whether a 14 year old wants to be with his younger sister they broke the rules and there has to be consequences. YWNBU.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 12/04/2011 16:49

I love it when threads go this way!

saffy85 · 12/04/2011 16:49

YABU. It isn't fair they have to hang out every single day together in their school holidays. Why can't they go out seperately with their own friends and if say, they're both going into town or something meet up after a few hours or check in with eachother?

I'd be punishing your DD if I were you, not your DS. Your DD buggered off and didn't take her phone with her. You say you didn't want them to go round their mate's houses as you didn't want to impose the responsibility on the parents of those friends yet you're making your DS responsible for his sister despite the fact he may not want to be responsible for her every single day.