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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AQIBU grounding my son?!

119 replies

unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 16:16

Am a single parent and feeling like poo about this but think I have made the right call - would like to invite opinion.....

Kids on half term - 9 yr old is in holiday club DD is nearly 12 and DS nearly 14 have trusted them to be left here, meet friends at the park, go swimming etc (got them a timetable and gave them money), they have 3 phone numbers for me and know what to do in an emergency and I phone every hour, and leave a packed lunch for them each in the fridge - am working for 5 hours a day and on leave next week. It is not ideal but I felt I should give them a little responsibility.

Their dad won't help although his partner had a good old bitch (to the kids) at the weekend about how unbelievably irresponsible I am and how its illegal to leave them as they are under 14 (I know it is not as I am the Child Protection Lead at work Hmm nonetheless worrying the kids that I might get into trouble). So this is in the forefront of my mind if anything happens I will have to deal with the fall out from them of "I told you so" (even though they/he refused to help Hmm).

Rules are they have to stay together, be sensible, and they have to have their phones with them at all times (charged and switched on) and let me know their movements.

Yesterday I got home and called them to see where they were and they had split up and gone to separate friends houses which I wasn't happy about as they had broken one of the rules and I also don't want it to seem I am imposing the responsibility of them on other kids parents. Was angry, told them off, warned them if it happened again there would be consequences.

Today I get home to find the same thing has happened again and DD didn't even have her phone on her.

DS is supposed to go to this nightclub under 18s party tonight (so wasn't too keen tbh) from 7 - 11 (doubley not keen as would have to drag other kids and myself out to get him) for a girl he is madly in love with Hmm. I have told him he is not going as he can't prove he can be responsible and do as he is told.

He is beside himself with grief in his bedroom and I feel like shit.

Is this fair or AIBU?

OP posts:
TotemPole · 12/04/2011 17:17

I don't think you've done anything wrong leaving them to go to work.

I do think it's unrealistic to expect them to stay together though. I assume DS has friends who are 13/14 year old boys, and DD has friends who are 11/12 year old girls. The two groups will want to do different things.

As long as you know where each of them is then that's ok surely?

stillbroody · 12/04/2011 17:19

YANBU.
I don't feel that the punishment is unfair,
I don't think you telling them to stay together during the day is entirely U either, tbh. But I don't have any suggestions as to what you could do instead.

montymum · 12/04/2011 17:22

Glad he is able to go to the disco- do not envy parents having to find childcare over the holidays must be a nightmare- times like this I am glad to be a teacher.

usualsuspect · 12/04/2011 17:22

Definitely have a chat with them and get them to text you if they are going to do separate things ,so you know where they are

Childcare for this age group can be very difficult

EggyFucker · 12/04/2011 17:22

your ex is an utter twat

he leaves you to cope, offers no help and then criticises your choices ?

what arrangements do you have for custody ?

EggyFucker · 12/04/2011 17:23

I know "custody" is the wrong word for it these days, but have forgotten the right one

TotemPole · 12/04/2011 17:24

What's the difference whether the OP is a work and they are out or she is at home and they are out. As long as every one keeps their phones charged up and have the relevant numbers stored?

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 17:25

He is supposed to have them every other weekend but picks and chooses. Its not inforceable anyway, court will not force a parent to see their child.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 12/04/2011 17:27

was there no provision for school holidays in the arrangement ?

although it seems like that is a moot point anyway, as he is being the epitomy of a deadbeat dad Angry

swallowedAfly · 12/04/2011 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EggyFucker · 12/04/2011 17:28

I sympathise, OP

your kids have two parents and one of them is not up to scratch

clue: it's not you

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/04/2011 17:29

yy, as usualsuspect suggests - get them to let you know if they're going to separate. Actually no, get them to ask you first.

I know what you mean about worrying that other parents might think you're offloading your DCs on them. Maybe you could let them go to friends' on condition they let you talk to the parents first? Maybe?

berrieberrie · 12/04/2011 17:29

unsurevalentine Regardless of whether or not the rules you imposed were reasonable or not, they were the rules and he broke them, you are 100% right to ban him from the party.

Now, I don't think that they should have had to stay together really, but as the 12 year old isn't responsible enough to take her phone maybe she isn't responsible enough to be left. Maybe tell them that on Wednesday he does things with her that she wants to do, on thursday she will go to friend 'X's' house and on Friday she will do things that he wants to do. He has all of next week to do his own thing while you're there. Maybe offer him a reward.

It's not great that a 12 year old boy has to be responsible for his sister but that's life, it isn't fair and he needs to learn that :)

As for your ex's partner, what a twunt. who gives a flying crap what she thinks. If one of them wants to share the holiday time with you then great, if they don't they can butt the hell out. What do they expect you to do? Quit your job for the holidays? Or cough up anything from £30 - £50+ per day for care for children who are quite old enough to sort themselves out?

MrsPresley · 12/04/2011 17:30

Does your 5 hours include travel time?

Could you not say that from 9 till 11 (or whatever times suit) they are together, then they can have a couple of hours with their own friends, then meet up again and be home for you coming home?

swallowedAfly · 12/04/2011 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EggyFucker · 12/04/2011 17:31

it's shit, SAF, that is what it is

pah

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 12/04/2011 17:34

Eggyfucker I am used to it - I expect nothing from him and in turn don't get dissapointed Grin. He does pay maintenance though which she HATES.

She slates me to them too, which is awful. Tells them that they could have all these wonderful things if I didn't waste all my money on "crap".

Unless she stalks me when I am shopping I am not sure how she comes to that conclusion.....anyway I digress....

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 12/04/2011 17:35

I think it is fine to leave them while you work-just a bit unfair to expect them to always stick together.

berrieberrie · 12/04/2011 17:39

I can't beleive how often money is offset as the non RP's moral obligation taken care of. So what if he pays maintenence.. that doesnt absolve him of any time that he should be spending with the children... unless of course he's apying you way over the odds in which case he could reduce the amount to the CSA guideline amount and spend the remaining money on child care while you're at work in the holidays if it's that flippin important to him!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/04/2011 17:40

I might have missed this - but can you shift your hours a bit? Are you able to to start work at stupid o'clock in the morning so you can be back early in the afternoon?

Dozer · 12/04/2011 17:43

If ds misses the disco, tell him that the girl might miss him, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

Although it's sod's law that she'll snog someone else!

MrSpoc · 12/04/2011 17:45

Sorry but YABVVVVVVVVVVU. i Have a younger sister with the same age gap and when i was 14 my mum would want me to look after her "MrSpoc you are the man of the house now look after your sister". I hated it and resented my sister for years.

Why would any 14 year old lad want his 12 year old sister gate crashing his friends circle?

It is also coming across that your are punishing your son because of your daughter. Really not on. Have you done this because he is older?

berrieberrie · 12/04/2011 17:49

Oh god dozer I didnt think of that... if she snogs someone else OP's son won't ever forgive her! Oh the pressures of parenting teens..

compo · 12/04/2011 17:50

Op yanbu
I sympathise with you
it is do hard being a working parent and school holidays are a real problem even when they're at secondary school Sad

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/04/2011 17:51

The OP has already said she'll let her ds go to the disco.