To expect more help from my OH?

[1Catherine1]

I would be really interested to know how other peoples partners help them when they were working and you were on ML? Our first child was born 3 weeks ago, AIBU to expect him to do some cleaning before he goes to work or help me with the baby? What help do you expect if any?

This morning was really infuriating and I am quite mad at him now and need to know if I ABU or not. After a bad night I got up, fed LO and took her into the living room where my OH was sat playing a computer game. I told him I was going for a shower and to get some breakfast and put her in her carrycot. She then decided she wanted feeding again so I sat on the sofa and fed her for another half an hour. I put her down again (she'd fallen asleep) and told him "if and when she starts crying it is because her nappy wants changing" and left the room to get my shower. I took my time in the shower and was probably in there for a good 20 minutes and then came out of the bathroom to hear her crying and see him ironing his shirt. He hadn't changed her and told me that he had to iron his shirt for work and that is why he hadn't done it. IMO changing a nappy takes 2 minutes and would not have made him late for work. It did however mean that I had to go another hour before I got to have my breakfast as she then wanted another feed after she had been changed.

This morning was just one example of where I feel he has failed to help me when I have needed him too. All I wanted was for him to either change her nappy to give me a bit more time to make myself something to eat or for him to make me some breakfast (I had rice crispies and a Philadelphia bagel so it wouldn't have taken him more than 5 minutes). In the last week he has done no housework as (as he points out) he's working 10 hours a day and the only involvement with the LO he has had was one night where he fed her as I sat in tears on the bed as she'd been crying for 3 hours and I was just too tired to cope anymore. Is it unreasonable of me to expect help when he works so long? He seems to have time to play on the computer as where I can't even have breakfast till I've been up for 4 hours. I also enjoy computer games but since the birth of my DD haven't found the time to log on and play at all. It doesn't feel very fair to me.

I can't remember having a shower before lunchtime in the first 6 months...I remember dh leaving while me and ds were drifting back to sleep after a feed, I loved that!

Its so hard to know what is "fair" my dh works long hours but he would still help - he would come home in the evenings and take ds straight away and give him a bath, get him ready for bed. He was great at changing nappies too.

I don't think YABU but maybe talk to him, tell him what you see as fair. He may be working a 10 hour day but you are working 24/7!

Oh I should probably add that my OH works from 3pm till 1am. When I say morning I really mean before 3pm which is when my afternoon starts . It wasn't like he had got up at 7am and had to be out of the door by 8am. Asking him to help before work is probably the equivalent of others asking their OH to help in the evening. He had been up since his mother phoned at 11am.

Let's start at the beginning. I disagree with peabody. YANBU.

Yup, you've got a newborn things are going to be tough, meals are going to be late, housework won't get done.

This is not the same as it being acceptable for one parent to have free time to play games and the other none. You are both working all day! Are you even able to nap in the day? If so, that old excuse for men to do bugger all can go right out the window.

In the first few weeks I didn't often have breakfast until quite late, but DD and I chilled in bed while DH got ready for work. But when he came back he made dinner and watched DD while I had a bath if I hadn't had a chance that day. He also did one night feed because I couldn't sleep in the day and was getting really tired.

You calling him caring for his own child 'helping' is what the root ov your problem is. Whilst he is at home and awake she is both your responsibility nit just yours. Caring for his daughter should not be classed as helping you!

He left a crying newborn in a dirty nappy to iron his shirt?
What a dick.

YABU to call it "help", it's not your job to do all the childcare. This baby has two parents. He's not doing his fair share if he has plenty of time to play computer games and you struggle to find time for a meal.

even so, I think it's pretty off he left a newborn in poo and presumably crying while he ironed a shirt!

It wouldn't have taken long and just comes across as very uncaring.

If he works 10 hours a day then it is fair for you to do 10 hours of baby and house related work a day too.

Everything else is shared.

So that means that if you spend all the time he's at work looking after the baby (and doing housework when/if the baby doesn't need attention), then everything that needs to be done when he is at home is shared.

I don't have DC yet so have yet to put this theory into practice with my own DH, but in my head this is fair...

newborn both parents get hands on and he has to help you out too
sounds like he hasnt made minimal adjustment to new baby or helping you. do nip this in bud now, if need be draw up a schedule of tasks and allocate
if he too knackered to help after work get a cleaner if you can afford it.

changing and help you get bite to eat,is absolute minimum imo.and decent behaviour

he is living like a single guy
dont be a mummy martyr address this now

But minipie what about the op feeding the baby throughout the night? In your idea would this be included in the 10 hours?

a child doesnt have to be seen to the second it starts bawling

if you are home all day and he is at work all day, i dont think he should be obliged to do housework

not very a trendy view i know but there we are

I agree with LaWeasel. To my shame I was guilty of similar in my overly confused state when dd was tiny...we were sitting down to dinner when she 'went' quite loudly...about 10 days old. He put down his cutlery to go and change her and I said "oh don't worry, she'll be fin.e for a minute". He looked at me like this before telling me he wasn't going to leave our daughter sitting in her own poo while we ate dinner, and went to change her.

It was a real wake up. To me, nothing was enough trouble for her. I was worried that he would resent the changes taking place, and the burdens she placed in us, that episode completely changed my view, and reminded me he loved her as much as I did.

Diversion, sorry.

he at work 10hrs no i wouldnt expect housework when get home. that is unreasonable. if you are at home then baby and house are majority your remit,but get a cleaner if you can

but the wee things like he gets you a cuppa or does change so you can eat brekkie are the sensitive personal stuff id expect

do address joint expectations now or this will rumble on

Can someone tell MY DP that if he's done 8 hours out at work, and I've done 8 hours at home looking after DD (13) DS1 (9) DS2 (7) and DS3 (11 weeks), plus all the night feeds - which is at least 2 hrs in the night, and DS3 doesn't go down to bed in the evening until 12-1am (he has a really awake period in the mid-morning, and one from about 10pm-12/1am) and I'm up at 6.30am every day with the older dc...That he should bloody well help me in the evenings after work??

No chance for a bloody nap either, as DS3 seems to have put himself into a routine where he has his morning nap from 8am (when I leave on the school run) till around 10am (just as I get through the ruddy door!), and his afternoon nap from 2pm until 4 pm (when I'm on the bloody school run again). He also has an evening nap...from 6pm-10pm (while I'm dealing with cooking dinner, bathing the other dc and getting them to bed). Not one of his naps is at a time I can bloomin sleep!

And DP gets in from work and falls asleep in the chair. That's about it.

GRRRRR! Yanbu AT ALL to expect more help - and to expect your DP not to leave your tiny baby in a pooey nappy!

usually the 3 older kids at school and you have baby all day. yes i do know is easter hols at mo,but 4bat home isnt your day in day out.and 13 and 9 should be able to do some stuff for themselves? what are you suggesting?that your dh works and then comes home and equitably split household work

if you go for a traditional woman home, man work. then the bulk of day to day home stuff and baby is your responsibility and external wage is his responsibility.and no you cant expect him to get up and do night feeds and still go to work.when you are at home

Dropdeadfred Yes in theory that's included in the 10 hours.

However, hopefully the OP would have some time "off" during the day (when the baby is asleep or just happy being left to itself) to catch up on sleep - which would balance out the night time work. Appreciate that may be wishful thinking, it depends what kind of baby you get...

Erm scottishmummy - while the older 3 dc are at school, baby is AWAKE and I am doing housework or bf baby. Or shopping. Or ironing. Or hoovering. Or cooking dinner (13yo DD is SN and can't be left unattended with the other dc). DS1 (9yo - yesterday, Y4) does help where he can, but he's 9, not 39.

I don't expect DP to do the night feeds when he's working - but is it too much to ask that he does the washing up after I've cooked dinner? Or helps a bit with the laundry? Or is AWAKE to look after ds3 so I can catch a bath myself? I have only managed 2 baths on the last 10 weeks. I am having to get by on strip washes. I feel skanky and it's depressing me all because he CBA to look after baby so I can get CLEAN. He doesn't get me any food or water even if I'm sitting bf ds3, and DD won't so either ds1 has to, or if ds1 is at his dad's, DS2 can't reach the taps yet, so I go without!

I never ASKED to be woman at home, man at work, but I also have a disability, and am still running myself ragged doing EVERYTHING. Which would be fair enough if I hadn't EXPRESSEDLY told DP that I did not want a relationship like that before we got together 8 years ago. Or what I told him when we split up over this issue when ds2 was a baby, and I was working FT nights (and he was unemployed) and STILL doing everything round the house (3 hrs sleep in 20 min bursts anyone). Or what I told DP when we got back together 2 yrs ago.

FGS I'm a SAHM not a fucking DOORMAT! I never professed to be a Stepford wife and wouldn't WANT to be! When I can earn more than the childcare will cost, I'll go back to work myself. Right now, I can only earn £45 a day. childcare for ds3 is £48 a day. Childcare for ds1 & ds2 is £18 a day for after school. Childcare doesn't even EXIST in my area for DD, and despite being 13yo, she can't be left alone.

OP's DP is BVU, NOT OP.

MY DP is BVU, not me - I stated my point of view before we had our first child together, he ignored me, we split up, I stated my point of view before I got back with him and way before we had our second child together, he's still ignoring that!

yes,in traditional wife home.man work your remit is home
you are at home with 1 baby 3 kids at school.this is what you have both undertaken.cant be a surprise to you that it is repetitive and task orientated.of course being a housewife isnt a bag of laughs or very exciting

you list all the associated tasks...and what did you expect?really?

OP -- YANBU

Changing a nappy takes 30 seconds actually, he has no excuse

If he can play computer games, you can take that 20 minute shower. I assure you I took many long showers in the early days, it's not actually impossible if you have a DH who steps up.

My DH also works shifts. Back then, we figured that any time he was at work, I was also 'at work' (taking care of DS on my own). We then divided up the remaining hours so that each of us could get a bit of sleep (he more than me) as well as have a bit of time on our own to shower, nap, eat, whatever.

We divvied up housework so that I did more but he still did some every day as well.

Too many men think if they work outside the home they don't have to do anything when they get back. Bollocks.

Things will change when your little one gets older, eats less, sleeps more, etc., but during this newborn stage it should be all hands on deck. Emphasise to him that it's just temporary, but he needs to start helping you out more.

op your dp is being unreasonable. I am a sahm at the moment and do the majority of stuff with the kids and house. But dp wouldnt leave lo in a shitty nappy ever. Dp works 8am to 6pm but when he comes home he wants one to one time with dd. I have to say we discussed what each of us expected before ttc. I get time for bath/shower as does he its only fair. My dd is 9mths and daytime naps are a thing of the past especially as she's on the move. Talk to your dp so he knows what you need

some men are just unsure of newborns and afraid of holdin them etc, now me and dh split childcare 50/50 but when ds 3 was first born dh hardly did any carin for him, but he would make me tea brekkie etc, as he would even if i didnt have a newborn

YANBU to expect him to quickly change baby before he ironed his shirt.

By the by, my dh was working away shortly after ds was born. I distinctly remember a friend calling round, me thrusting ds in her arms before both her feet were across the threshold and whizzing upstairs for a shower.

Definately YANBU ....
And am horrified that anyone thinks that the man going out to work excuses them from any help at home. What utter bollocks.

totally agree pingu