To expect more help from my OH?

[1Catherine1]

I would be really interested to know how other peoples partners help them when they were working and you were on ML? Our first child was born 3 weeks ago, AIBU to expect him to do some cleaning before he goes to work or help me with the baby? What help do you expect if any?

This morning was really infuriating and I am quite mad at him now and need to know if I ABU or not. After a bad night I got up, fed LO and took her into the living room where my OH was sat playing a computer game. I told him I was going for a shower and to get some breakfast and put her in her carrycot. She then decided she wanted feeding again so I sat on the sofa and fed her for another half an hour. I put her down again (she'd fallen asleep) and told him "if and when she starts crying it is because her nappy wants changing" and left the room to get my shower. I took my time in the shower and was probably in there for a good 20 minutes and then came out of the bathroom to hear her crying and see him ironing his shirt. He hadn't changed her and told me that he had to iron his shirt for work and that is why he hadn't done it. IMO changing a nappy takes 2 minutes and would not have made him late for work. It did however mean that I had to go another hour before I got to have my breakfast as she then wanted another feed after she had been changed.

This morning was just one example of where I feel he has failed to help me when I have needed him too. All I wanted was for him to either change her nappy to give me a bit more time to make myself something to eat or for him to make me some breakfast (I had rice crispies and a Philadelphia bagel so it wouldn't have taken him more than 5 minutes). In the last week he has done no housework as (as he points out) he's working 10 hours a day and the only involvement with the LO he has had was one night where he fed her as I sat in tears on the bed as she'd been crying for 3 hours and I was just too tired to cope anymore. Is it unreasonable of me to expect help when he works so long? He seems to have time to play on the computer as where I can't even have breakfast till I've been up for 4 hours. I also enjoy computer games but since the birth of my DD haven't found the time to log on and play at all. It doesn't feel very fair to me.

well if you "cant be arsed",yes thats a different issue.not that its too burdensome or unmanageable being sahm.rather as you say you cant be bothered

Haven't read all the thread yet, but for me, showers were my only chance for 'me time'. Any other time, it mostly fell to me to sort her out (my dh would step in if I was, for example, cooking dinner but on the whole I did most of it). So I did not take the baby into the shower and sing loudly - the shower was my one place to escape to where I wasn't a Mum but just me taking a few minutes to sort my head out and come out feeling a bit more human. So I always made sure someone else was around to watch dd. I couldn't sleep during the day - so no chance to recover sleep - those showers kept me sane.
So, no, OP, I don't think you WBU.

I had similar problems - my dh comes from a background where blokes have almost nothing to do with their kids until the kids can bait their own fishing lines. I knew this, but couldn't get him to talk about it until after the baby arrived - he just doesn't 'do' talking. So, I put in place various strategies. For example, the midwife showed us how to change and bath dd before we left hospital. I made sure that dh was there for both demonstrations so he couldn't claim he didn't know how. I then gave very specific instructions at home (She smells. Your turn. I'm cooking/showering/otherwise occupied). But to be fair, he stepped up pretty quickly. He doesn't often think to do things around the house without me prompting, and we've had a few blazing rows discussions about it. But it might be that he just isn't 'tuned into her' yet in the same way (although I don't understand how you can leave your child crying - my dh started by not doing anything much but yelling for me in a panic worried he couldn't fix it himself!) so a few pointed instructions might help. Although reading your post, you did that.

A blunt conversation is needed I think!

OMG, when DD1 was born DH did the housework, cooking etc. for about 6 months! I did try (sometimes ) but every time I tried to do stuff she'd just start crying and need yet another feed . And as I was breastfeeding and had to be up in the night feed, in the morning I was more likely to fall asleep over my cornflakes than get the hoover out.

YANBU!

I did do a bit better 2nd time around BTW - but DD2 was easier (and fed more easily for a start).

Why should an adult be expected to iron their own shirts but not cook a fecking dinner, load a washing machine or clean a bog? Why (in scottishmummys opinion) was it reasonable for DP to iron his own shirts but not for him to do things for me/our children? Utter tosh scottishmummy! You are a ninny.

I'm finding this thread really interesting.
My take on it was 'I'm at home so I will do as much as I can in that time. I will ensure that, as my priority, the baby is fed and clean (and later on, meeting others at baby groups etc).
I need to eat and be clean so that is my next priority.
After that, I will do as much cleaning as I can in between the incessant feeding.
Anything I can't fit in, he can help with. Why should he come home and sit in front of the tv when i have been busy all day and am still running around? It doesn't mean you expect him to slave for hours, but to contribute to running a household. My maternity pay was also contributing to running a household (not much tis true but some) so maybe that's me paying him to do some of the tasks!!
Also, while at work, he could:
take a wee whenever he needed it without hearing someone cry midway through and needing to hurry up (and oh my god, those first weeks when you've been ripped apart, literally, and weeing is about the most pinful thing ever, even compared to child birth! I weed in the shower as it was a bit less painful, but it was a lot slower too!)
have a coffee break and eat a snack without being interrupted
have a lunch break and eat uninterrupted

I didn't get those benefits. I drank more cold tea than I care to think about - we didn't manage bf too well to start with so for a month it took both hands position her and position me and get a feed done.

When people say about getting 'light hosuework' done, what are we talking about? (Hoovering stairs, changing bed sheets, doing a shop?) Each task in itself might be light but put a lot of them together, add in feeding a baby when it hasn't mastered what it's doing and neither have you so each feed takes 2 hours, and suddenly a few chores takes on the appearance of a mountain. I never mastered walking around feeding, in a sling or otherwise so when she fed I was sofa bound. Crap mother, clearly. Still, she survived my slightly chaotic, imperfect house, and so did my dh. He even survived pitching in and helping out.

Don't panic OP, it does get better, You figure out the baby routine a bit better (and then they go and change it), and then suddenly they're old enough to enjoy helping (although also old enough to create merry hell when your back is turned).

lol,youre a ninny.is that your searing summation?
god dont get you going,if that best you can manage firing on all synapses

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babybythesea, I totally agree. The second time around I did master walking round feeding - John Lewis, no probs (slipped her under my coat, had just come down 4 floors from the loos and didn't want to all the way up again ), feeding while going round the zoo, a breeze.... but the first time it was all too difficult, I had to be sitting on the sofa with lots of cushions. Second time round I even mowed the lawn (push mower so quite safe) with one hand on the mower and the other round the baby on my hip!

You're a wee ninny scottishmummy. A wee daft auld ninny.

really thats it,ma grannie is funnier,and shes deid

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OP YANBU. It's not the specifics of who did what when that'd worry me, but his attitude as you describe it. Doesn't sound like he's realised the implications of your baby's arrival at all. Nor that babies' needs come first.

He needs to get up to speed pdq. Playing a computer game when his work shirt isn't ironed?? Unless you've had a baby with a 14 year old?

ma grannie is deider than yours pet.

picking up on babybythesea... OP have you considered that DH could be shitting himself and too nervous about handling the baby? Maybe you need to show him what to do, and lavish him with praise, and accept he won't do it the way you do. If my DH read this he'd tell me to take my own advice!

really whose granny is the most deid?which one has been pushing daises for longest?

youre a classy lassie

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ma long deid gran is more scottish than you, she'd have you by the gorbels and tan your bahookie from 6 feet under.

aye.expect youre right on that,wrong on everything else though

gorbels?do you mean gorbals-have you been to glasgow?

'at work by 7.30am every morning (45 minutes journey) very high stress job - rarely home before 7 often much later'.

onceamai this is what i wonder when i read threads like this. What did people do before dcs? Or what their dh do that is so easy? What about commute, deadlines, multitasking?

Before dcs for 19 bloody years i was up at 5 or 5.30am. I had a wall clock in the bathroom to make sure i don't run late. Quick and stressfull shower, then bread in the toaster with one hand while putting my trousers on with the other hand, run to the bus stop in freezing cold/rain/snow, after the bus the tube, change train, get phone call from boss asking me to get milk on my way, i was making sure i arrive at work on time and cheerful aswell. Worked for 11-12 hours then commute again. Like millions other people really. And my job was fun and i loved it. Other people have more stress and work harder.

When i had my first baby i remember rocking him by the window, watching people running to the tube in the rain, me in my warm house, i was feeling lucky . Ironically my job before dcs was 'similar' -for some people - to SAHM. I was nanny! (much harder than SAHM ime).

Ok it is not easy for everybody but working is not easy either. Unless you are over 65 you have some limitations in your day, some stress, some multitasking, quick lunch and not 3 course meal, rushing around etc. Everybody. Men, women, SAHP, WOHP.

My post is NOT to OP (she has a 3 week baby) but to others who think multitasking is imposible and not having 'me time' during the day is kind of heroism.

I hated cooking while in charge of a baby. Still do and DS is 2. I have to now though as there's nobody else to do it. XP might have been a wanker in other ways, but he did cook for the first few months, after that we took turns but the other one would watch DS. I loved that short time when I wasn't responsible for him and could just concentrate on the task in hand.

Bertie i think is good when couples do this. If one person hates something then the other person who doesn't mind steps in and does it. Instead of antagonising each other. As long as there is some balance. But you are honest and mature and you say 'i hate cooking' , you dont say 'i don't have a minute to cook, poor me, i'm not slave' etc.

In our house we both hate the same thing (garden) so i don't know what to do

YANBU

I am currently on maternity leave (with the odd meeting/couple of hours in work every couple of weeks or so) and my DP goes to work. He needs to get into work at a certain time yes.. and he needs to iron a shirt before going.. but he'd not leave our daughter crying with a dirty nappy to iron a shirt. He'd deal with her, THEN iron the shirt, or if I came back in whilst he was changing the nappy, I'd iron it for him and he'd get us food. It's about sharing. He'd have ironed the shirt instead of playing a computer game in fairness!

He'd never sit there playing computer games whilst I rushed about, he'd get short shrift if he did! I'm breast feeding too, and he does his share of "other stuff" to balance it out.

He works hard and is tired after work, I do the majority of night wakings (because I feed) but it's not about scoring points or keeping a tally of who does what because he works. PARTNERSHIP AND MUTUAL RESPECT are the key words!

Sorry, I've waffled!

Laquitar: Move to a flat

I definitely agree with swapping tasks. BF and I have already agreed that when we move in together I'll do all the washing and ironing if he'll do all the washing up!

No, YANBU. He is being a lazy shite and getting away with it. Ask him nicely to stop playing the computer game and help you with something (be specific). Then thank him/praise him afterwards - it works with dogs and also with some men!

My DH is much better at helping out if I give him a specific task. If I say "can you help out more?" he just gets arsey. If I say "can you please get the washing in/unload the dishwasher/get the kids pyjamas ready" he is more willing to do it.

Bertie i do have flat envy - no mud, no weed, no slugs

OP how are you? Did he stop the computer games?