To expect more help from my OH?

[1Catherine1]

I would be really interested to know how other peoples partners help them when they were working and you were on ML? Our first child was born 3 weeks ago, AIBU to expect him to do some cleaning before he goes to work or help me with the baby? What help do you expect if any?

This morning was really infuriating and I am quite mad at him now and need to know if I ABU or not. After a bad night I got up, fed LO and took her into the living room where my OH was sat playing a computer game. I told him I was going for a shower and to get some breakfast and put her in her carrycot. She then decided she wanted feeding again so I sat on the sofa and fed her for another half an hour. I put her down again (she'd fallen asleep) and told him "if and when she starts crying it is because her nappy wants changing" and left the room to get my shower. I took my time in the shower and was probably in there for a good 20 minutes and then came out of the bathroom to hear her crying and see him ironing his shirt. He hadn't changed her and told me that he had to iron his shirt for work and that is why he hadn't done it. IMO changing a nappy takes 2 minutes and would not have made him late for work. It did however mean that I had to go another hour before I got to have my breakfast as she then wanted another feed after she had been changed.

This morning was just one example of where I feel he has failed to help me when I have needed him too. All I wanted was for him to either change her nappy to give me a bit more time to make myself something to eat or for him to make me some breakfast (I had rice crispies and a Philadelphia bagel so it wouldn't have taken him more than 5 minutes). In the last week he has done no housework as (as he points out) he's working 10 hours a day and the only involvement with the LO he has had was one night where he fed her as I sat in tears on the bed as she'd been crying for 3 hours and I was just too tired to cope anymore. Is it unreasonable of me to expect help when he works so long? He seems to have time to play on the computer as where I can't even have breakfast till I've been up for 4 hours. I also enjoy computer games but since the birth of my DD haven't found the time to log on and play at all. It doesn't feel very fair to me.

When my DH works from home, I will often come back to find the breakfast things all over the kitchen. (see spidookly? He's not that perfect!). If ever I've queried that he'll bleat, "but I'm working!"

Personally I don't see why that doesn't mean he can't fling a few bowls into the dishwasher while he's waiting for the kettle to boil, but the point is he detaches work fom home. Maybe we women don't. But if men can use DH's argument that they're working therefore can't do household chores at the same time, then we could try a similar line re: nursing babies.
Best of luck, ladies.

"I try to explain to my DH that I will do as much as I can when he's at work (he's out 12 hours a day) but I expect 50/50 sharing of everything that I cannot get done during that time. if he complains he's knackered, I show him the 4 loads of laundry, the clean, fed, sleeping baby, his packed lunch I made him etc etc etc"

exactly sprinkles

and as spidookly says, how much you manage to get done during those 12 hours will depend a lot on your DCs - how old they are and how much attention they need.

If you've got one DC who is at school all day, it's fair enough to expect that you can get the housework and cooking etc done while DH is at work. If you have a colicky clingy newborn and a 2 year old, it's not.

"how much you manage to get done during those 12 hours will depend a lot on your DCs - how old they are and how much attention they need. "

Not to mention how much time you spend on MN.

CalmInsomniac spot on!

if you cant adequately mange housework and baby in 8hr period,youre doing something wrong. either managing time inadequately or too much time fannying aboot on mn

if your partner is sole earner,pays mortgage ,utilities etc and you have both gone for the sahm model,then majority home is your remit.as your dp going out to work facilitates your decision to sahm. there is an implicit division of tasks
he earns
sahm watches kids,take care house
at weekends share by all means
but is unreasonable to expect someone to come home to tasks you cannot find time for in an average 8hr day, that your dp is working

if a mum posted here,she works ft @8hr day and when gets home there is still stuff undone and dp wants help to complete them.most likely there would be a gosh poor you vibe,bet hes on games or internet forum all day

this thread is going round in circles

Or maybe you're doing nothing wrong but just don't choose to do any housework when looking after your child because it's not your priority.

There is no implicit return to the 1950s if a woman gives up work to do childcare. She and her partner must work out between them how it will work.

If my DH were to stop working to look after our children, why would it suddenly become unfair for me to carry on as I do now and do chores when I get home?

I would still have all my arms and legs, the same amount of energy, and make the same contribution to household mess.

The only reason to put all the burden of housework onto him would be to make a point about status - I earn and you don't, so you must serve me.

It's a repulsive way to live, albeit a common one.

I'd far prefer do the same amount of housework and have my children have lots of fun at home with their Dad.

Totally agree with Spidookly. Who wants to feel like a non-stop skivvy all week? You can also enjoy your evenings together if you both pitch in with what's left or needs doing in the evening, e.g cooking dinner, washing up, making lunches. Many hands make light work etc.

I would never be critical of someone who has been unable to get through all the housework in the day. Maybe the DC was particularly difficult or ill. Maybe they (SAHP) were ill, or exhausted from night feeds. Sheesh.

cannot argue is ok to leave tasks undone and expect dp to undertake when he gets in from working.all in pursuit of mothering,nurturing a child doesn't mean nothing else gets done or things go to pot. being mum isnt some goddess like status where all else falls aside to facility feeding and bonding.you conduct normal life and tasks in addition to feeding and bonding and child stuff

and if sahm doesnt appeal,if you dont want to do majority domestic chores,go work dont be financially dependant upon someone else.

but if you chose to go for sole earner,then obviously childcare and home tasks majority falls to you.

What, so the SAHP should push themselves to breaking point to get everything done so the DP comes home to a lovely house & doesn't have to lift a finger? I don't think so. It's our house and our DC, it should be a partnership. I completely disagree that whoever's out working gets a free pass from responsibility in the week. I'd also argue that those partners who are 100% hands off in the week are going to be less likely to pitch in at weekends.

When I'm on ml I will still be paying my half of the mortgage & bills by the way. You can't assume that the person at home isn't contributing financially.

no one said breaking point,get home/social balance.get stuff done so you get out to groups,meet pals,social

things like
when make dinner,cook in bulk and freeze
multi task eg when laundry on do the dishes

but asking dp to "pitch in with what's left or needs doing in the evening, e.g cooking dinner, washing up, making lunches" how the hell can someone who doesnt work not make a meal,do washing up and some sandwiches?thought sahm was supposed to be hardest job in world.lol obviously not if cant make a meal (jamies 30minute dinner anyone?) and wash up over a day

"Many hands make light work etc"- lol or two people do work one couldnt do,for some unfathomable reason

we all have had the odd day when baby has been ill or we have been ill and the odd job hasnt got done. but thats what it is - an odd day. not a daily thing

I absolutely can and do argue that it's OK to leave tasks to the working partner to share when they get home.

I do them now and it's no massive burden, why would it suddenly become too much if DH took on the childcare?

Why do you think there is one right way to do this, based on the 1950s?

I meant sharing the evening meal responsibilities, and the washing up from that. The lunches were an example of what might need doing in the evening, it could be anything. Why should anyone carry on working in the evening while the DP sits on his/her arse? That is servitude and it's demeaning.

But since you are so intent, it seems, on the SAHP being some sort of 24 hour house slave, & have ignored my points about it being TWO people's home & child, I don't think there's any point in debating this further with you.

Scottish mummy, I think most stay at home parents manage all the child care and the house work during the hours that DP is out at work. I think what many of us resent is the lack of help with new things that arise when both parents are at home. I do the lot, and don't expect help with the laundry etc...but as I have made dinner and also not put my feet up all day, I think him doing the dishes is pretty fair. I do get upset when at 10pm I am doing house work and he's playing on the computer. I ask myself can the chores wait, and usually they can!

In fact there are double standards in our house. One day a week I work and he is at home. All I ask then is that he clears up after himself and DS, and that they have some fun together. If he leaves the floor a a state I can't moan. I think most of the standards in domestic goddessness are set by women. DH only cares about the laundry when they run out of clothes! It's me who freaks at a full laundry bin or a crumb on the floor not him. It's not up to him to indulge my OCD!

I think OP just felt disappointed that her DP did not do the one specific thing she thought she needed him to. Their DC and by the sounds of it PFB is only 3 weeks old. They'll learn to manage the baby, their jobs and their relationship with some practice and communication.

why are you chunterring on 1950?i am saying it isnt beyond anyone to cook a meal do some chores and have time for self and baby over a complete day

needing help to pitch in with what's left or needs doing in the evening, e.g cooking dinner, washing up, making lunches...well thats is indicative of not managing a minimum chores over a prolonged period

thread has moved on,im not talking about op.asi said her situation is different 3wk baby he should help out. the op is 3wk in and knackered.understandably.and yes her dh is acting like a single guy.of course he should have changed the baby,bizarre his instinctive response wasn't my baby needs me get in there. so she needs to talk to him set some parameter,or this will set pattern and rumble. and in case of op parameter is we are both parents childcare is shared,please help

I worked full time for 15 years before the DS was born. At work by 7.30am every morning (45 minute journey), very high stress job - rarely home before 7 and often much later. This goes back a long way because DS was born in 1995. Being a SAHM in comparison was much much easier and I had no problems in keeping the house clean and tidy, shopping, cooking and laundry and having lots of free time for walks, the park, for meeting friends, etc.. There was no way the DH needed even to think about doing stuff at home and the DS was always bathed and fed and ready for bed when DH got home.

I just feel so sorry for all the posters saying 'I did it all while my husband was snoring in front of the fire'. Your lives just sound so shit!

YANBU, OP. Please discuss this with your husband NOW before you, by default, become the baby expert and housekeeper.

I quite agree with Charity Girl - my DH didn't do a great deal at home but he didn't sit snoring or playing computer games either - he was doing a job probably more stressful than the one I had done and I wanted to look after him so he could carry on doing it.

This might shock some of you, but men (without wimmin to look after them) who go to work full time manage to feed themselves, do their washing and go to the supermarket.

And they don't keel over, turn purple or explode.

Crazy I know.

My DP (when I was a sahM) used to have to work and come home and cook dinner. He has always had to iron his own shirts. I thought it was because we were sharing the load....now I know it's 'cos I managed my time badly.

if he habitually cooked dinner every night yes you were managing time inadequately if you were a sahm

ironing own clothing id expect an adult to undertake this themselves

"i am saying it isnt beyond anyone to cook a meal do some chores and have time for self and baby over a complete day"

And I'm saying that it's not beyond me, but that I couldn't be arsed with it.

Why should I do those things just because you think they're what women should do on top of caring for their children?

I'm mentioning the 1950s because your ideas seem to be pretty much the same as my Granny's, although she had a much different idea of fairness and would never have stood for being taken for granted in the way that you think is right for non-working parents.

"eeding help to pitch in with what's left or needs doing in the evening, e.g cooking dinner, washing up, making lunches...well thats is indicative of not managing a minimum chores over a prolonged period"

OR it's indicative of not prioritising those tasks, NOT considering them to be a minimum.

I'm very unlikely to ever give up working because I love my job. But if I should ever find myself in a situation where I am off all day with my children, I will not be taking on extra housework responsibilities.

Some days I might take it upon myself to do some task that I'd like to get done, or that I think DH would appreciate having done, but other days I might well be too busy either with my children, or doing my own stuff.

No fucker gets to come home from work and make me answer for what I've been doing all day. Not that DH is that kind of dick anyway. He found it hilarious when I started ironing his shirts when on mat leave. Couldn't understand why I was wasting my leave doing something so pointless that he's well able to do for himself, and always has.

"you were managing time inadequately if you were a sahm"

No, she was only managing time inadequately if she was a sahm AND cook.

SAHM doesn't imply cooking, except for the children.