To expect more help from my OH?

[1Catherine1]

I would be really interested to know how other peoples partners help them when they were working and you were on ML? Our first child was born 3 weeks ago, AIBU to expect him to do some cleaning before he goes to work or help me with the baby? What help do you expect if any?

This morning was really infuriating and I am quite mad at him now and need to know if I ABU or not. After a bad night I got up, fed LO and took her into the living room where my OH was sat playing a computer game. I told him I was going for a shower and to get some breakfast and put her in her carrycot. She then decided she wanted feeding again so I sat on the sofa and fed her for another half an hour. I put her down again (she'd fallen asleep) and told him "if and when she starts crying it is because her nappy wants changing" and left the room to get my shower. I took my time in the shower and was probably in there for a good 20 minutes and then came out of the bathroom to hear her crying and see him ironing his shirt. He hadn't changed her and told me that he had to iron his shirt for work and that is why he hadn't done it. IMO changing a nappy takes 2 minutes and would not have made him late for work. It did however mean that I had to go another hour before I got to have my breakfast as she then wanted another feed after she had been changed.

This morning was just one example of where I feel he has failed to help me when I have needed him too. All I wanted was for him to either change her nappy to give me a bit more time to make myself something to eat or for him to make me some breakfast (I had rice crispies and a Philadelphia bagel so it wouldn't have taken him more than 5 minutes). In the last week he has done no housework as (as he points out) he's working 10 hours a day and the only involvement with the LO he has had was one night where he fed her as I sat in tears on the bed as she'd been crying for 3 hours and I was just too tired to cope anymore. Is it unreasonable of me to expect help when he works so long? He seems to have time to play on the computer as where I can't even have breakfast till I've been up for 4 hours. I also enjoy computer games but since the birth of my DD haven't found the time to log on and play at all. It doesn't feel very fair to me.

Janetsplanet your DH sounds like a bigger cock than the OP's.

I am extremely fortunate to have a fantastic DH and i do appreciate this, but i found that i wanted to get everything done at home in the day so we could spend our evenings all slobbed out together. I didnt want to waste our precious few hours all together pissing about with housework and showering.

Much harder now with 2 and 3 yr old

YANBU
And if even if you were, it is normal, you've just had a baby. You are tired, hungry, hormonal and overwhelmed. Your baby needs you to eat breakfast as it will help your milk, but having a shower could happen when DD sleeps after a feed. You are both adjusting to a huge change in your life. Your dh will get the hang of it all very soon.

Fwiw My dh was more helpful after dc2 arrived. When there are more kids around, looking after the one who is portable but not mobile, can't talk and sleeps in the day suddenly seems like the easier option when compared to 1,2,3 year olds.

Ah.
My dh did absolutely bugger all in the very beginning - in fact weeks 3 and 4 he was away abroad with work. We have no family nearby.
It was horrendous but his work crisis was huge and he was working 15 hour days. So I did everything and organised us moving house.
I think that I had to take it all on in the beginning no matter how much it hurt BUT I needed to set things straight after that period not carrying on going adding 2 work days to my load 6 months down the line.
We are readjusting now to my needing help and it is hard a year down the line and I am much more hysterical emotional and shouty upset about it all that I need to be.
So, my advice is make sure they realise they need to help early on not months down the line when you've managed 3 afternoons in a year away from baby or work and feel utterly frazzled and burnt out by the whole thing.
Also, use specifics. Men are apparently stupid and need to be given clear insturctions along the lines of 'Cook the main meal every Sunday' instead of 'help out with the cooking'.

janetsplanet it sounds like youve had a hard time too, all mothers do especially the the firstborn but you do learn to become more organised and you will need to instruct your husband. im forever hearing how wonderful peoples husbands are helping out lucky them

ALso I ALWAYS showered in the morning. Am anal about getting up. When she was very little did it when dd was asleep in moses and then as she got older left her in her cot playing. Still do now.
Begrudging the OP a shower seems very.

hes now my ex :D
and still does nowt for the kids

I'll tell you what I did during the "ten minutes" I had spare. I sat, numb, staring, emotional grateful for the small window of peace I had. I certainly didn't think "ooh ten minutes, I shall skip and do xyz".

It's not easy for lots of women. I struggled big time. Those of you who seem to think it should be tickety boo with the "I can't believe you haven't washed etc" ARE very lucky. Not everyone is. And it won't help. And will probably make those not coping as well feel worse.

i cried everyday for the first 4-6 weeks i just could function feeding every three hours (with little assistance from OH) but yes it did and does get better.

"ffs it doesnt take every minute of every day to care for a newborn"

I'm coming back to this for a minute, because it bothers me.

If you are breastfeeding I think it takes pretty close to every minute of every day to care for a newborn for about the first six weeks the first time you do it.

First of all they don't sleep all the time, the sleep AND FEED all the time, often both together or one after the other in quick succession.

Second, the way you learn to respond to your baby is to watch them constantly and figure out their cues. This is crucial with breastfeeding.

The main difference for me between DD1 and DD2 as newborns was that with DD1 breastfeeding was a thing I was doing, whereas by DD2 breastfeeding was a nice little rest.

The one, single job of the mother of a newborn baby is to sit under that baby until breastfeeding is well established. That is more important than anything. Certainly more important than doing housework so your husband doesn't have to. The father's job in those early days is to make it possible for the mother to completely concentrate on the baby, so really at that time he should shouldering more than his normal share of the household tasks.

Also I think if you leave your baby crying so you can get your ironing finished you are a housewife, not a sahm. Someone who prioritises mothering over housework attends to a crying newborn and does the ironing when it suits. Or never, if it doesn't.

Or gives up the only 1 hour of peaceful sleeping in the day to do it. Leaving her frazzled and MORE hard working than a man at a desk.
Ho hum...

Sorry for the rpeeated posts but I just cnnot bear some of the responses on here.
I have had a very high powered career in a tough industry pre dd and I can say WIHOUT a doubt that nothing I ever did comes close to being as difficult as looking after her at any point. Working two days a week has only added to be stress - I am seriously at breaking point. I love it, wouldn't swap her for the world but I need DH to step in.
If you manage just fine and great on your own (as my mum never tires of telling me she did) then you are amazing. Well done. Not everyone is as amazing as you.

absolutely pommedechocolat

It's interesting how some people have pointed out that men are wary of getting involved in babycare, as if they're scared of it. This is often compounded by women who take over and just do it all. And then complain further down the road that their men aren't 'hands on.'

My DS was a very easy baby, but I recall being terrified when, at about 2 weeks, DH had to go off to a funeral for the day. Up til that point we'd both been fussing round him, with MIL helping out with housework (jammy cow that I was). I just had to get on with it though, as most men would if we women just made them! Breastfeeding aside there's no reason why men can't cope.
In fact, my friend and I wanted to go to a post-natal swimming class when the boys were about 8 weeks or so. DH was off work for some reason, so we left both babies with him. The other mums at the class (and the midwife running it) were astounded that DH was looking after 2 babies "all on his own," especially as my friend's baby was a bit of a screamer. We got back to find DH sprawled on the sofa watching the cricket, with friend's baby flat out on his chest sparko and DS asleep in his bouncy chair, both fed and changed!
It can be done!

"We got back to find DH sprawled on the sofa watching the cricket, with friend's baby flat out on his chest sparko and DS asleep in his bouncy chair, both fed and changed!"

:)

What a hero!

I also think it's no wonder breastfeeding rates are as low as they are if women are being told that their maternity leave is there so they can do housekeeping for their husband instead of spending the early days focused on their baby.

Yeah, spidookly. And doesn't he love reminding everybody!!

the op is 3wk in and knackered.understandably.and yes her dh is acting like a single guy.of course he should have changed the baby,bizarre his instinctive response wasn't my baby needs me get in there. so she needs to talk to him set some parameter,or this will set pattern and rumble on

mat leave is not solely for feeding.yes certainly 1st month or two it is demanding but also should undertake other stuff too. like attend appts, get out for walk, join baby group,meet some mums,and undertake normal daily tasks. include baby in your life and fit in other stuff you need to do.like shopping,popping out too,socialising.

the other parallel topic running through this is,that dp/dh should help out with housework when they get home. are people honestly saying in an 8hr period they cannot
prepare meal
do some light housework
load/unload a laundry
...to extent dp need to assist when he gets home?

recent housework thread,and jist was how much do you do. most posters said few hours and then they listed gym,shopping,lunch,walk. if you were to ask how much time should i need to undertake daily tasks no one is gong to say 8+hours and a bit from your dp too

certainly at weekends both share and help, but if he works ft then yes you reasonably should be able to run a home without additional ongoing evening help

Nobody has ever said anybody should be spending 8 hours on housework, they have said that they spend 8 hours caring for a baby on their own, and that that counts as work.

Some days you get the laundry done and some errands run, other days you don't.

And what those days are will depend a lot on you, and a lot on your baby.

But the point is that there should be no expectation that a man should cease having to do housework just because his wife is on maternity leave.

It's not skivvy leave. There are people who seem to believe that as soon a woman doesn't leave for work in the morning that she has reverted to a time when women were forced out of work as soon as they got married and when it was acceptable for unmarried women to earn a fraction what was paid to men doing the same work.

Just because you are at home doesn't mean it is your job to run the home.

I value my time way too highly to spend it running about doing jobs for a man who is more than capable of (and happy to, in my case) look after himself like a big boy.

My maternity leave is for me and my baby, not for DH's benefit so he can not bother his arse doing any work at home (not that he is that lazy, he takes pride in doing his bit to run our family). It's still easier for him when I'm on mat leave, because I am more flexible and can run errands, and some days I will get tons done in the house. But that just means that when we are both at home we get to other jobs that need doing that we rarely have time for.

Every evening DH and I come home from work, one cooks, the other tidies up the kitchen, loads dishwasher, one or other of us tidies the living room of toys. It's hardly some big imposition to have a few light chores to do when you get home from work. There's still plenty of lounging about time if you're of a lazy disposition.

Just because you are at home doesn't mean it is your job to run the home.

sorry i disagree

my OH goes out and earns money - thats his work
If I was to stay home and share the money - thats my work

just because you look after the family/house, that isnt demeaning or less important that someone that goes out to work

if you are both home, by all means share the work, if you both go out to work by all means share the work but its unfair to sit on your behind all day long and expect your partner to return home and do stuff that you could have done easily

"its unfair to sit on your behind all day long"

You must have misunderstood. We're talking about people with children here, not people who sit around all day doing nothing.

I just wanted to add one thing that I think has been missed by some of PPs.

How are you asking for help?

We always think that our partners will be able to intuit what we need but most often they don't. Then we feel resentful because they haven't read our minds and helped us without us having to ask. If you can get over the fact you have to ask for support with the baby (being the foundation parent, spending time with your baby all day, so much more attuned to her needs) then it becomes much easier. Don't say "if and when she starts crying it is because her nappy wants changing" - this is an indirect way of asking for help and can put men's backs up. It's also not clear you definitely want him to do it. Say "please would you change her nappy when she starts crying". Then if your partner agrees and says ok, it's like he's made a promise to do it. He's more likely to stick to it. When he carries out what he's promised to do, acknowledge and appreciate it. Then he's more likely to do it the next time. I'm not saying it should be like this, just that acting this way is a practical way of getting what you want from a (male) partner.

I also agree with the poster who said, leave the baby with him for a while without any specific instructions. He needs to learn to work things out (i.e. what the baby needs) for himself, and it won't hurt your baby to be left in sole care of her father for a few hours, however much you feel her needs won't be met as perfectly as you would meet them

dearyme - yes, if the couple agrees that the woman will stay at home to look after the child, then looking after the home may come with that. But we're talking about someone being on maternity leave at the moment, to recover from childbirth and to look after trhe child.

Where did agreeing to look after the home come into this bit of it?

With apologies for crap bolding!

"We always think that our partners will be able to intuit what we need but most often they don't. "

How intuitive do you need to be exactly to figure out that you should attend to a crying baby when you are alone in a room with it?

I try to explain to my DH that I will do as much as I can when he's at work (he's out 12 hours a day) but I expect 50/50 sharing of everything that I cannot get done during that time. if he complains he's knackered, I show him the 4 loads of laundry, the clean, fed, sleeping baby, his packed lunch I made him etc etc etc and explain that me doing this is the support I give him so he can do his job. My job is 24 hours, no bank holidays, no sick leave, no pay. He gets it now, but it has taken a year!

There may be ways to reduce both your domestic chores, or at least make them more manageable... maybe he can do all his ironing in one go (in front of the TV while you're nursing). When you do cook make massive quantities and freeze it (so we ate chilli every night for a month!). Communicate clearly with each other about what you need. Get each others expectations clear, decide if they're fair and try to compromise. Try to get some time the two of you alone (hard if BFing). Failing that, some time alone yourself (maybe he can take baby for a walk while you have a shower). Is there anyone else that can help you? Can you afford any paid help? (we can't really, but make savings elsewhere to get help with cleaning and ironing. worth it to save rows).

Fucking computer games! Agree some ground rules like, if the baby's awake and he wants to play, maybe he can check with you that there's nothing you need. If you know you'll be done BFing in 30 mins, and don't need anything, say fine, but I'll call you when I need you and can you then come and help me straight away.

it's tough, and as he's at work you're learning much faster than he is about what baby needs. He will probably get it eventually, but try to be patient with him if you want to remain friends.