To expect more help from my OH?

[1Catherine1]

I would be really interested to know how other peoples partners help them when they were working and you were on ML? Our first child was born 3 weeks ago, AIBU to expect him to do some cleaning before he goes to work or help me with the baby? What help do you expect if any?

This morning was really infuriating and I am quite mad at him now and need to know if I ABU or not. After a bad night I got up, fed LO and took her into the living room where my OH was sat playing a computer game. I told him I was going for a shower and to get some breakfast and put her in her carrycot. She then decided she wanted feeding again so I sat on the sofa and fed her for another half an hour. I put her down again (she'd fallen asleep) and told him "if and when she starts crying it is because her nappy wants changing" and left the room to get my shower. I took my time in the shower and was probably in there for a good 20 minutes and then came out of the bathroom to hear her crying and see him ironing his shirt. He hadn't changed her and told me that he had to iron his shirt for work and that is why he hadn't done it. IMO changing a nappy takes 2 minutes and would not have made him late for work. It did however mean that I had to go another hour before I got to have my breakfast as she then wanted another feed after she had been changed.

This morning was just one example of where I feel he has failed to help me when I have needed him too. All I wanted was for him to either change her nappy to give me a bit more time to make myself something to eat or for him to make me some breakfast (I had rice crispies and a Philadelphia bagel so it wouldn't have taken him more than 5 minutes). In the last week he has done no housework as (as he points out) he's working 10 hours a day and the only involvement with the LO he has had was one night where he fed her as I sat in tears on the bed as she'd been crying for 3 hours and I was just too tired to cope anymore. Is it unreasonable of me to expect help when he works so long? He seems to have time to play on the computer as where I can't even have breakfast till I've been up for 4 hours. I also enjoy computer games but since the birth of my DD haven't found the time to log on and play at all. It doesn't feel very fair to me.

people are also saying it takes 2 minutes to change a nappy. so what was the problem with OP taking that 2 minutes.
Put the baby in the pram/moses basket and have breakfast. the baby doesnt need to be in arms all the time

It doesn't get much worse OP, it gets much better. You will figure all this stuff out gradually over the next few months.

Hopefully never to the point that you turn into one of those unpleasant "newborns, huh, I barely even noticed mine between games of Yahtzee" assholes who love to come onto these threads and crow about what natural mothers they are.

There really are women who think men need to be spared any inconvenience at all, but you don't have to be one of them. Grown ups with children don't get to play computer games until the jobs are done. Don't accept all the work as yours, it's not.

I'm sure the OP did take 2 minutes to change the baby - but her DP was in charge when the baby pooed, so her DP should have done it. I'm sure he could have taken 2 minutes out of his game FFS. You can't hear whether a baby is crying or not when you're in the shower with the water running.

ffs it doesnt take every minute of every day to care for a newborn, they sleep most of the flaming time!! Pretending they are hard work is just another excuse for sitting on the internet whinnying that "I never get any me time" i.e. i am just being a lazy moo

her hubby was ironing his shirt. a baby lying in shit for a few minutes till he finished his shirt or OP got sorted wont harm it. what happens when you are driving home from the supermarket etc and baby shits. ya wait till ya get home

surely people manage to eat normally when they have a baby. put the baby down. OP gets breakfast 4 hours after being up. her wn daft fault. is the baby really crying/being held for 4 hours

He works 10 hours a day. Great. You work 10 hours a day then when you look after your child and the house. The other 14 hours you both look aftr your child and anything else that needs doing, including giving each other time off to do what you want for a bit.

That's the way we work and it's great. Your OH is being a tit IMO. Sit him down and discuss how you are going to organise your new life now your have DC.

"ffs it doesnt take every minute of every day to care for a newborn"

It can. For some women and some babies.

But absolutely delightful to see the support women offer one another.

"I'm finding this whole thing very tough"

"Shut the fuck up you lazy bitch and do all the shitwork, it's all you're good for. Men are made for better things"

This woman has been a mother for 3 WEEKS!!!!

3 fucking weeks and she has a whole load of 1950s throwbacks competing to tell her what a useless bitch she is.

Lovely.

even if you have "difficult" baby who wants to be held most of the time, a sling is your lifeline and passport to doing other stuff in that instance. Yes being new at it is huge but actually 11 weeks is nearly three months - thats quite a long time for something to become a bit more "normal" and the "blur" stage should have really passed. They ARE hard work, of course they are, mostly because you are tired from the broken sleep but really not to the point where you can't function , get dressed etc. When you have a 2nd DC you can't afford to stay in your PJs all day and the new one's needs will be just as tough. Both parents should be taking a fair share and giving each other a break where possible but to say that the the SAHP shouldn't necessarily do the lion's share of the housework seems a bit ridiculous. Of course you can do the dishwasher / laundry / bit of cleaning etc whilst having baby in the house.

When you have your second baby it will be a piece of piss because you know what you're doing.

It's always mothers of multiple children who pull all this crap about how easy newborns are.

Yes, they are when you're experienced.

With our first child we found it difficult to eat, wash, do housework, go shopping. It's all very new and very tough. And add into that the dawning realisation that your life has irrevocably changed. Plus, women are physically tired, recovering from pregnancy/childbirth and have hormones.

Working for 10 hours a day outside the home is nowhere near as exhausting as looking after a newborn for the first time, and dads should bloody well pitch in.

Washing up, cooking dinner, changing a few nappies or even doing a load of washing aren't going to kill him.

Some people on here are being pretty horrible (and the OP's DD is 3 weeks, it was someone else with the 10 week old).

I actually think that many women, upon becoming mothers, forget what a bloody huge shock it must be and I say this as someone who hasn't actually gone through the whole hormonal-sleepless-probably BFing-overwhelming experience yet although I used to support new mothers professionally. I never cease to be amazed by how unsympathetic people can be just because they managed. Every woman, every baby, is different. It takes time to realise that you can leave a baby to cry for 5 minutes without it dying while you go pee. It takes time to realise that making your breakfast takes 2 minutes and your baby can wait that long for a feed. It takes your baby doing a poo in the car on the way home from the supermarket to realise that instant nappy changing isn't necessary.

But until you come to that realisation on your own or someone holds your hand through the first nerve-wracking time of doing it you may well feel like a shit mother for putting yourself first, even though sometimes you have to. One of the hardest experiences of my career was handholding a new mother through leaving her baby to cry for the 3 mins 50s - and yes I timed it because it probably felt like forever - that it took her to make her own breakfast at 10am because she felt she couldn't leave her baby crying (and this was after I'd been with her for 6 weeks and doing that sort of thing for her, but I was leaving in 3 days and she wasn't coping).

By the time a second one comes along you have the advantage of having done it once and you know you can survive it.

I know I'm sort of not looking forward to it when DC1 arrives (imminently).

But seriously the issue here isn't about coping with a newborn, it's about a DP who isn't doing anything for said newborn and is ignoring its basic needs for no good reason.

but what is OP doing in the 4 hours from getting up to eating breakfast? surely she can take 10 mins time out to have something to eat

janetsplanet, in the early days when it's all new the constant round of feeding, changing, winding, pacing with a crying baby can be relentless.

cut the woman some slack FFS.

surely tho, in those spare 10 minutes that baby is quiet, you think, 'oh i'll get breakfast while he/she is quiet'

janetsplanet, I need to know...do you have kids/have you had a baby?

i have 3 children and always managed 3 meals a day and a bath/shower

Oh hello, it's 1950s Mumsnet again!

I do hope that when your husband gets in from work you have changed into something glamourous, refreshed your make up and warmed your husband's slippers by the fire OP.

The way I see it is very simple: when your DH is around, all childcare/housework tasks should be shared. Neither of you should have more time to relax and do nothing than the other. You should both be kind to each other and make sure you are each having a bit of chill out time/sleep catch up time. If this isn't happening then it's unfair and you need to address it. My DH is a great 'partner' who shares the burden of house and kids with me but he didn't hit the ground running and I found him pretty infuriating in the early days too. As long as your DH isn't a completely selfish dick then I'm sure you'll both find your rhythm before too long.

As for this 'pah, what are you doing all day, why can't you have a shower?' nonsense, just ignore it. Some people have very short memories, are complete liars or have an unatural ability to phase out the sound of their own baby crying. Oh AND ARE COMLETELY LACKING IN EMPATHY!! The reason, you morons, that showering is difficult in the early days is because babies feed a lot which leave you with not much time. They also don't like to be put down which leaves you dreading hearing their cries while you shower, so you either put if off until someone is around to hold the baby or you have an unpleasantly quick and stressful shower. And when they do let you put them down without crying, you inevitably (in the early days) sit there watching them in a slightly dazed and incredulous state, thinking 'there's no point going to get breakfast, she/he'll start crying in a second'. This is all especially true with your first.

Chin up OP, it gets so, so much better!!

I don't care how many hours he works - he is prioritising computer games over parenting, and if he's doing it now it will only get worse, unless you address this.

Good on you for having a 20 minute shower OP - ignore all the comments from those saying "Shower, I was lucky to shower once a week with a newborn" etc!!!! He's home plenty during the day, so take all the long showers you can manage!

Thanks for your replies. I always appreciate a varied response. FWIW my LO does seem to be feeding constantly atm, I've had only 3 hours sleep last night after she was attached to my breast from 1am to 4am with pauses for changes, being sick and winding - I'm told this is a growth spurt and normal

It is now 10 am and this morning I have managed to wash, dress and eat already. I had a brief word with DP last night when he came home as I was too tired for anything more. He informed me she had only just started crying as I got out of the shower and he would have gone and changed her possibly 2 minutes later had I not come out of the shower and rushed to her. So possibly my fault there to some extent but he has to learn not to leave everything to the last minute any more. He apologised for not getting me breakfast and I think genuinely felt guilty for leaving me hungry but as others have pointed out it would have been as easy for me to do it and leave her hungry for those 5 minutes.

I think he is afraid of looking after LO and it is probably my fault too as I have taken over. This is my problem and I will fix it - thank you for pointing this out as I have been overly absorbed in baby and hadn't noticed. I know he can be a great father and thats why I choose to have a baby with him. Anyway - must dash

janetsplanet, I have 4 children..by number 4 I managed 3 meals a day, the school run and to sit my uni finals. But I can clearly remember how hard it was with number 1.

How did you cope when your first baby was a few weeks old, maybe instead of making snarky comments you could actually offer her some advice.

Actually with Baby n.1 I couldn't shower in 2mns between feeds- I had really bad cracked nipples that it was agony and I had to wait at least 30 mns before I could attempt a shower. By then something would usually come up so I would find that there would be days when I couldn't shower until H came home and kept an eye on DD for me.

I also found myself nesting post-birth and running around mindlessly when DD slept. I actually forgot to eat (and trust me that has never been an issue for me ever in my whole life). I had no appetite and would force down a piece of toast in the afternoon.

Newborns can seriously screw with your head! DC2 was a much easier and relaxed baby, possibly because of natural birth instead of ECS and easier BFing as a result, or simply that I had less time to fuss.
I think the former- having intact nipples makes a massive difference!

Anyway nice to hear OP you have managed to talk to your DP and that he understands!

i had to leave him to cry if i was hungry. if the clothes needed hanging out and he was crying, i tried to settle him, then hung the clothes out, crying or not. some meals wernt eaten in peace, some baths wernt in peace. i would put the baby (all 3) in the bathroom with me and sing or talk baby talk whilst i washed. eldest was born in a hot summer so was often out in the garden in the pram. he cried and he settled. i have held a baby and eaten food at times.
and yes, with lack of sleep too. youngest was tube fed every 3 hours without fail. meds during the night too.
but in all seriousness, OP is making a rod for her own back if she wont leave baby whilst she showers or eats (i have made different rods). she really needs to get in a routine. My (then) partner went back to work. there was no paternity leave or anything, and i was left to get on with looking after the baby (and children) plus do the washing, and eat and bath. He did nothing for any of the kids until i broke down to the HV and told her i was shattered with youngest after doing all tube feeds and meds for 4 months without a break

i have to agree with the posters who say he should be helping you. this is exactly what happened with my husband when our first child was born, he did absolutely nothing and said "it was my job" since he was out working. at work everyone would be asking me how many night feeds he had been doing. zilch. i do think your husband works long days though and does he have a physical job? as someone has said you have to nip this in the bud. some men are totally lazy and selfish when it comes to helping women in the home. they will sit back and let you do it all. i only discovered this when i married and had a baby pretty much straight away!!!! ask him to sit down and see what he can do to help you. its all very well writing down a list of chores etc that he could maybe do at the weekend but the very nature of a newborn means that you quite often will have sleepless nights and you will need him to step in and help at random times. if my OH was sitting playing on a computer game while i needed help i would throw the thing out of the window! have that talk now and be deadly serious. it has seriously affected my marrige to date

and then he only did the 11pm feed

all this talk of not being able to shower till the afternoon cant see the relevance personally