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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you a Mother/Father of a mixed raced child/different skin colour?

107 replies

YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 16:54

I am White single Mother. My son is half White and half Afro Carribbean.

My son is 12 years old, very pleasent, clam and really well behaved in public. He can walk and holds my arm whilst doing so.

Over the years i have recieved 'dirty looks', comments. name calling. sniggering from the general public about his SN mainly.

My friend whom runs a group for disabled children and has mixed raced Grandchildren herself says the 'dirty looks' are quite possibly more to do with the fact that my son is half black and is 'quite dark' for a half white child. Not that he is SN.

Can this be true?

I really do not want to start world war 3 over this..please. I'm upset i have explained aswell as i can right now..sorry.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 11/04/2011 16:57

I personally believe it will be down to the colour of his skin as opposed to his SN.

Sorry. People are mean, and people are racist unfortunately there is no getting away from it.

dinkystinky · 11/04/2011 16:57

OP -those other people are absolute idiots. Just rise above it and ignore - and I hope your DS rises above it too.

I am indian - have 2 half indian/half white boys who look nothing like me at all and occasionally have comments (most often asking if I'm the nanny).

hardhatdonned · 11/04/2011 16:57

YABU

Unless you're in a really provincial place you won't be getting dirty looks from anyone. Its you judging you for your situation (i would imagine you probably didnt want to end up as a single mother) walk proud and regain some self confidence and i bet the 'looks' will stop :)

Dirty looks imo are mainly about perception and what frame of mind you are in at the time someone looks your way, they are 99.99% of the time perfectly innocent glances but you perceive them to be otherwise.

Just my opinion though!

worraliberty · 11/04/2011 16:57

What a daft OP.

Of course it can be true...people can give dirty looks for all sorts of reasons, doesn't make it right but I don't really know what you want people to say?

thebestisyettocome · 11/04/2011 16:58

I am Shock if people are looking at you for having a duel heritage child. Don't some people realise this is the 21st century Sad

hardhatdonned · 11/04/2011 16:59

Dual heritage is a new one on me :) when did that come into use??

hissymissy · 11/04/2011 16:59

White single mother of mixed race (v.dark) child here, never had major problems tbh, in fact, so far everyone comments on how handsome and cute DS is. We live in a predominantly white, rural area. He is the only mixed race child in his class, and only a handful of ethnic minorities live in town. Maybe it will change when he gets older, though.

Original poster
YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 17:01

Thanks for all the replies. I live in Birmingham and i have never had anyone be racist. It was on Saturday in Stratford-Upon-Avon i noticed people really looking at him nastily, one guy tutted at us. The conversation took place on Sunday. It is the place you are in at the time i think. I know people are racist but it really hurts.

OP posts:
pinkthechaffinch · 11/04/2011 17:02

I have a child of similar heritage to yours and thankfully I have never noticed such cruelty from anyone.

We do live in a v rural area- the worst I've experienced was when he was newborn, people have occasionally asked if he was mine Hmm but that's it.

He is neurotypical though

I do experience reverse racism- a friend has admitted that she is keen to take ds out with her white child and SN child as she thinks it makes her look really right on !Shock

hardhatdonned · 11/04/2011 17:03

Are you sure it was racism though? What is his SN? Is it a behavioural issue? What were the circumstances surrounding the tut?

I struggle to believe it was due to the situation of single mum to mixed race child because unless you told him all this how was he to know?

Perhaps he was just a cunt and doesnt like children? (most likely!)

Original poster
YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 17:03

I did experience something different there in Stratford but my friend to say that? She can be toxic grrrr

OP posts:
thebestisyettocome · 11/04/2011 17:04

Duel heritage is very common. I personally have no problem with the term 'mixed race' but I am aware that a lot of people prefer duel heritage and therefore it seems polite to use it. Hth hardhat.

forehead · 11/04/2011 17:05

I know it hurts Op, but your son may have to face racism in the future and you have to equip him with the tools to cope with this.

Original poster
YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 17:06

My son has no speech or eyesight. He doesn't know what colour is...

OP posts:
hissymissy · 11/04/2011 17:08

Pinkthechaffinch, I had the same experience the european country where DS was born. Took him to his first paediatric check-up after the birth and the nurse asked if he was adopted!!!

worraliberty · 11/04/2011 17:09

It's totally beyond me how on earth you can tell why they're tutting or giving you funny looks.

However, surely from the 'comments' and 'name calling' you may have been able to work out if it's colour related?

Original poster
YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 17:11

Over the years i have recieved 'dirty looks', comments. name calling. sniggering from the general public about his SN mainly

I live in Birmingham and i have never had anyone be racist. It was on Saturday in Stratford-Upon-Avon i noticed people really looking at him nastily, one guy tutted at us.

My friend whom runs a group for disabled children and has mixed raced Grandchildren herself says the 'dirty looks' are quite possibly more to do with the fact that my son is half black and is 'quite dark' for a half white child. Not that he is SN.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 17:11

Can this be true?

OP posts:
Original poster
YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 17:12

For you worral

OP posts:
PinkToeNails · 11/04/2011 17:13

Sorry you're feeling down OP. I agree that looks can sometimes be down to perception but I'm sure you didn't imagine your experience in SOA. People can be really cruel but (and I'm not trying to justify their behaviour) sometimes they don't realise how hurtful they're being. Some ares of the country are still behind with their opinions of non whites, but it's something that will take a long time to change. I think some people who haven't experienced it don't believe there is a problem, but there most certainly is.

I'm black and there are a couple of countries I've been to where EVERYONE stared at me. They weren't always dirty looks but the staring really got to me and I cried on the plane on the way home as I had never experienced anything like .it. They didn't even stare surreptitiously. Shopkeepers were also very rude in shops, which may have been down to the language barrier, but I'm sure it wasn't.

FabbyChic · 11/04/2011 17:13

Birmingham is very multi-cultural, Stratford-upon-Avon not as much so.

VoldemortsNipple · 11/04/2011 17:13

People who stare and give dirty looks are usually ignorant to whatever the situation is. Where I live nobody would look twice at a black child with a white parent, some would look twice if there was a child with SN (ignorant) Even more people would look twice or give dirty looks if they saw a 12 year old linking his mum because that is just not seen as normal behavior.

If your son does not have an appearance of having SN, I would say thats where the looks are coming from.

If I were to go shopping outside my home town and was heard talking, I would likely be followed around the shop by a security guard who would be ignorant to think I was shop lifting. In fact this has happened on more than one occasion.

Hold your head up high and take no notice.

I wonder if your friend feels slightly ashamed of being in public with her GC if that is her attitude.

Original poster
YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 17:15

Pink - hugs to you xxx i won't ever let tuts and looks get me down again. I am proud of my beautiful, beautiful son. My confidence has been knocked by this ... I will just not realise it fully and ignore the sad shallow bastards. The SUA MP is a Muslim man!

OP posts:
Original poster
YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 17:17

I also do not think my friend is a good friedn as she is OBSESSED with physical appearence. She knows how to put doubt in people's minds about their life and decisions.

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 11/04/2011 17:17

He is more vulnerable to such reactions because he is a mixed heritage child WITH an SN issue. People like to prey on the weak and it makes him an easier target sadly. I am a mixed heritage woman, but am very fair and look almost fully Arabic or mixed something like Meditteranean and European. My partner is mixed from the same West African country as me and Carribean. When we go out we get alot of this kind of stuff just for being what people percieve as an interacial couple (even though we are from the same country, people make this assumption based on the colour of my skin as white and his as black).

I am already preparing myself for the behaviour we will recieve (especially me as the 'white' woman) with our obviously mixed heritage child. My European friend who already has a mixed heritage toddler and my sister with her obviously mixed heritage children have also experienced this, as have other people I know. It is ignorant indeed.

One thing I will say and I doubt you know this as it is so common to use this term, is that within the African/ Carribean community, the term 'afro' Carribean is offensive. Just letting you know as a side note and hope you don't take offence.

I regards to your son, unfortunately he is going to have to deal with this for most of his life. As a mixed heritage person myself I can only tell you that from my experience it helps if you have a strong foundation at home in terms of all parts of your cultural heritage to help build your identity on. That way no matter what people may say or do, It is not so easy for them to erode your sense of self and confidence in who you are.

I am sorry you are encountering this, it does get worse as the teen years hit and you will have to ride it out to adulthood. If you are strong and don't let it bother you then it will be ok in the end. There are unfortunately a lot of horrid people out there.

I take solace in the fact that there are more mixed heritage children born now than ever before so this generation won't face as much hardship as I did for instance.

I feel very Sad and Angry about this as your son is vulnerable and it is so unfair.

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