Are you a Mother/Father of a mixed raced child/different skin colour?

[YouaretooniceNOT]

I am White single Mother. My son is half White and half Afro Carribbean.

My son is 12 years old, very pleasent, clam and really well behaved in public. He can walk and holds my arm whilst doing so.

Over the years i have recieved 'dirty looks', comments. name calling. sniggering from the general public about his SN mainly.

My friend whom runs a group for disabled children and has mixed raced Grandchildren herself says the 'dirty looks' are quite possibly more to do with the fact that my son is half black and is 'quite dark' for a half white child. Not that he is SN.

Can this be true?

I really do not want to start world war 3 over this..please. I'm upset i have explained aswell as i can right now..sorry.

"Unless you're in a really provincial place you won't be getting dirty looks from anyone"

Oh come on. I live in the most multi-cultural mixed area of the capital and it still happens. Not often, but it does.

OP, you need to be strong. It is horrible when it happens but please don't ever let anyone who does this know they've got to you. Hold your head high.

Oh and I grew up in Birmingham where my siblings still live. We left when I was a teenager because of the severe racism we faced as mixed heritage children so I get EXACTLY where you are coming from.

Ok so someone has suggested it could be down to the colour of your child's skin instead of his special needs and you're asking if this could be true?

Of course it could...but it could also be true of the Birmingham people who 'snigger and sneer'

I'm not sure racism is confined to Stratford Upon Avon

OP - who knows? But more importantly for you, why care? Those people mean nothing to you and know nothing of you. Give them the cheesiest grin back to their tutting and watch them scuttle away like the cockroaches they are. I wouldn't spend any more time or emotional energy reflecting on what your 'friend' said to you (not helpful - esp the 'a bit dark' for a half-white child ffs! I know you've said she has dual heritage DCs but I find that a really off and strange remark to make - probably the same people who feel they ought to congratulate on me 'how pale/white" my DS is like it's some kind of personal genetic victory?!)

I like dual heritage for my DS because it doesn't make it all about colour/race - as if the main thing is that the race has been mixed! Never mind negotiating all the differences (and similarities) in cultures/religions/backgrounds coming together. Mixed race also implies neither one or t'other - a bit meh. Dual gives you not one but two cultures/backgrounds to draw on - not a bit of both - fully both.

Language is always moving on but I am very glad we have gone from half-caste (shudder) to mixed race to dual heritage. I wouldn't consider someone non-PC who used the term mixed race but I would explain as above why I think the term dual heritage is so much nicer! They might just agree.

LDN
One thing I will say and I doubt you know this as it is so common to use this term, is that within the African/ Carribean community, the term 'afro' Carribean is offensive. Just letting you know as a side note and hope you don't take offence.

NO! Thank you , i had no idea. I must get up to date which of course i would be if my son knew what his heritage is etc. Unfortunately his SN makes that impossible.

Eldritch Thank you also and thanks for everybodies reply so far.. it took a lot of guts to write this.

I will tell my friend i do not agree with her reasoning. Even if i can never be 100% sure.

OK worral you win...

Oh sorry just realised the incident took place elsewhere. Well I unfortunately had it worst in Don't venture too far from London too often but know that places like Stratford Upon Avon can be bad for this type of thing from other people's experiences.

I am mixed race myself Asian/White and grew up in London. I was fortunate to live in a mutlicultural area and with very few exception I have never had racist comments passed by random people while going about my life either as a child or as an adult. I now live in a semi-rural area I have never found the people here to be racist either. Sorry not very helpful but I though I would give you the point of view of a dual heritage child growing up in the UK.

No worries, not many people know that and it is a fairly knew issue but just thought I would let you know. TBH I don't think it is as big a deal as what you are facing so prob shouldn't have bothered writing it.

One more thing I will say is follow your instincts about this, you are most likely right, especially as you are not the kind of person who has noticed this so much before.

LDN I am very relieved you did write it!

Walking arm in arm, my son and i is how he needs to walk because of his total blindness. If i observed a Mother and child that way i would think there is some reason for it! People just feel rotten about themselves and have to point out differences in others.

LDNmummy - your point about afro is really interesting and duly noted! I always wondered why there was the term afro-caribbean when to all intents and purposes the people from the caribbean (despite the horrible history that led them there) were just that - caribbean for generations upon generations now. Also wondered why the white people from the caribbean weren't called cauc-caribbean or something equally as awkward. All works towards not seeing white as the default colour/race. Thank you for that.

Hmmm, sounds horrid. I'm lucky; have never experienced dirty looks or anything like them even though my DC are mixed race - Asian and white - and we live in a very ethnically homogenous area (I.e. very white). After living in London for many years where no one gave DH and I or, latterly, our first DC, a second glance, I was very surprised to be taken for the nanny (and I am the white parent, if that makes any difference) in the playground. It kind of upset me for a while. Not too sure why but I think it is because I am, of course, proud of my children and want to be associated with them as their parent not their nanny. Now, though, I just think meh who cares what anyone else thinks.

I'm white British and have a half Japanese ds. Not very relevant to the op perhaps but it's the reactions we get in Japan that leave me rather than in the UK. People stop in the street to stare at us, or clock me and dh and crane to look in the pram. Lots of "Cute! He looks like a doll...such white skin!"

My brother has special needs, and he used to be sniggered at. I think it is part of the territory. Sorry.

I think people in rural areas sometimes look twice at someone who is mixed race, but not snigger.

my dh and his family would descibe themselves as afro caribean, we are in london and have never heard a black person say they were offended by the term.

What is the preferred term, then, if afro-caribbean is potentially perceived as offensive?

Mixed race children are beautiful to me and I'm white. But one thing I've never seen is a 'Black woman' with mixed race children. It always seems to be the mother who is 'White'.
Or maybe that's just the way it is around here?

Ripeberry It might be more common for the Mother to be White, yes. I have seen Black ladies with dual-heritage children, but not as often, in Birmingham.

coomon place not as in common - ooh bumtwizzlydazzlegums

common place - i need some sleep

I have noticed on occasion some different reactions when I am with mixed race kids in our family. Not all bad but on occasion yes there have been negative reactions. Hopefully it will get less as years go by & generations get used to mixed race relationships more.

OOoh but we DO have some lovely experiences with people too, lots and lots and that makes up for all the abuse. Some days we get none at all. Just alarmed to be told/ that it might be because of my sons' dark skin tone.

I mean WTF is my friend on?

I would love a time machine and go forward into the fututre and see that the whole world was coffee coloured, duasl heritage, religion people. Nobody was more of one than another of anything and people didn't really know what they were in terms of heritage. religion etc. Classless society might be too much to ask for though...

I have been asked on many occasions if i am my sons' carer/social worker or if i have adopted him.