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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to think I shouldn't be told off by the police by daring to be a woman out alone after dark?

554 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 09/04/2011 23:29

I was walking through a deserted cut-through at around 11pm, on my way home. I'd been shopping and to the gym, as evidenced by the bags I carried.

I happened across a pair of policemen on bikes, who saw fit to brake and tell me I 'should be careful walking by myself at this time of night'.

IABU to feel angry and offended by this?

OP posts:
TandB · 10/04/2011 11:14

RedHeels Sun 10-Apr-11 11:13:08
I'm sure it must have bee said some already or at least I hope so but why don't they advise lone men walking at night that they should stay at home so hey don't scare women who are out and about at the time.

How do you know they don't?

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:14

I have fluctuated from rape and attack either or. The point is a woman shouldn't have to "Be careful" in the night because a potential (let's be realistic, man) is wanting to stab/mug/rape her. The criminal should be held responsible and not the person who was minding their own business walking home/to wherever.

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 11:14

I did say that my son has been challenged on those grounds.

CurrySpice · 10/04/2011 11:15

Men are more likely to get attacked not raped LotM as well you know. Rape got mentioned here not in the RL OP situation

Of course you know that but it doesn't fit in with your scenario that allows you to be outraged

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:15

SO a man is asked;

"where are you off to, what are you up to"

a woman is asked;

"be careful there lovey it's dark out here"

and no one feels the need to comment on that?

Goblinchild · 10/04/2011 11:16

'The criminal should be held responsible and not the person who was minding their own business walking home/to wherever.'

Where has anyone on this thread said otherwise?

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:16

The man is automatically a suspect and the woman must be protected? Come off it, I don't suspect one of you agree with reasoning behind that.

ShowOfHands · 10/04/2011 11:17

LadyOfTheManor, why are you so convinced it was a warning about rape in isolation?

Again dh says if you see anybody walking alone at night in a deserted area, you don't actually think rape is the most likely thing to happen. Most sexual crimes they deal with (in fact all of the ones he has dealt with) have been carried out by people known to the victim and the random attacks are rare so while the possibility is there, it's never your first thought. He says you're equally concerned with any intelligence you have about the area so burglaries, pickpockets, muggings. He says you worry about people falling or stumbling and being in an unlit ill-used area. And he says let's not forget if the area is problematic enough for you to patrol there in the first place, then any of the people you can encounter there could be a perpetrator as opposed to a victim. It's good sense to just stop and have a chat, make sure the person is alright and then move on. But I'll explain to him that he's a misogynistic, patriarchal, judgemental rape apologist if that makes you feel better?

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:17

The people that have said;

"Well if it is late I go so and so route or I do this and that". You shouldn't have to do it and if the fucking idiotic and mainly MALE judges didn't let MALE attackers off so lightly the said women wouldn't have to feel like that. No one sees the bloody problem, the bigger picture.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:18

Show of hands, I have said I have fluctuated between rape and attack covering muggings whatever, the choice of attack is irrelevant.

illgetyoubutler · 10/04/2011 11:19

My thoughts exactly Violethill..

SardineQueen · 10/04/2011 11:19

The advice to a woman walking home at night to "be careful" is hopeless advice. It will do nothing to protect her. It might possibly make her feel more nervous about walking that route than she previously did. What's the point of saying it?

If the police wanted to be friendly then a cheery "good evening" would have done the job. If she was doing something ridiculous like walking along with a wodge of £50 notes in her hand then they would have been well placed to give her some pertinent advice. But just "be careful"? Hopeless.

violethill · 10/04/2011 11:19

Yes, bloody awful being a man and automatically being a suspect when they're just out and about minding their own business.
Must be nearly as awful as being fucking blind and stupid like women.....

frakyouveryverymuch · 10/04/2011 11:19

"SO a man is asked;

"where are you off to, what are you up to"

a woman is asked;

"be careful there lovey it's dark out here"

and no one feels the need to comment on that?"

Where's the evidence for what the man was asked? And that's grossly misinterpreting what the OP actually reported as being said to her! I'd be with you on the policeman saying lovey as unreasonable but what they actually said seems fairly gender neutral!

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:20

Goblin's son was asked that actually. So read the thread.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:21

Violet;

Ahem "like some women....who do not think this sexism takes place..."

greencaveman · 10/04/2011 11:21

EvenLessNarkyPuffin
My comments were in the context of the OP - 11pm, deserted cut through.

TandB · 10/04/2011 11:21

Do you honestly think that if sentences were harsher then mugging/rape/assault/murder would stop?

Seriously?

Wow. I am really surprised that no criminal psychologist has ever realised that. This thread may change our whole society.

[goes off to take all clothes off and run naked in the woods in anticipatory celebration of the dawning new age]

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:22

Yes, because perhaps then the woman wouldn't be continuously accused of "crying rape" and making it all up.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:23

Of course it wouldn't stop, but the allowance of it and the thought that they can get away with it is making it far too easy.

TandB · 10/04/2011 11:23

"Ahem "like some women....who do not think this sexism takes place...""

Eh? Yes, that is what people are saying.

frakyouveryverymuch · 10/04/2011 11:23

I'm assuming it wasn't the same policeman... They are individuals you know, not drones.

One specific policeman asked a teenager one question, another different policeman gave the OP some advice. It's only comparable if the same person was doing the questioning both times!

ShowOfHands · 10/04/2011 11:23

So what is relevant then? That male officers only warn female pedestrians? What exactly is your point Lady?

And 'be careful' is fairly useful. If you're tripping along happily thinking about starting a MN thread and then think 'ooh I'll do it on my phone' but the reminder makes you think actually no waving around my expensive iphone in a deserted area probably isn't good sense, then it's served a purpose. And no using a phone in a public place doesn't mean you're in any way guilty or to blame for somebody else's choice to commit theft. But we lock our houses and cars up and we don't leave our purses lying around on a table in a restaurant while we nip to the loo. And we do these things because we're minimising risk.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 11:24

Show- are you a feminist?

fuzzywuzzy · 10/04/2011 11:25

LOM, in an ideal world yes we could all walk wherever we wanted regardless. But in this case the police really do sound like they were trying to be reassuring, for all we know they could have stopped men and said the same things to them.

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