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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset with DDs "friend"

125 replies

DoubleNegativePanda · 08/04/2011 22:18

DD (9) has a friend who is having a birthday party this month. She has always been invited to DDs parties, but I would not be put out if DD were not invited to this party.

However, she has told DD that she can only invite a limited number (still ok), and that their three mutual friends are invited. But the fourth "spot" she just can't decide who to invite, DD or another girl. Every day she tells DD "it's either you or Lucy, I just don't know yet who I want to have yet...". DD is quite distraught over this, because in addition to being excluded from a gathering (a learning experience in itself) she will have been deliberately and publicly rejected as these conversations take place on the playground.

Today takes the cake. DD came home teary because this girl had told her "I have to decide this weekend so we can send invitations. I don't know I you're invited yet, but don't be disappointed if you don't get one in the mail."

Angry

I've explained to DD that although we aren't invited to everything, this is not the way to treat friends and she will not be using her own birthday party as revenge for this little game being played on her.

AIBU to want to call the girl's mother just to let her know that a little lesson in compassion may be needed? Even though I don't plan to call her, I want to! It's not the exclusion, it's how rudely and torturously it's being done.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleNegativePanda · 08/04/2011 22:20

Lucy is a fake name, btw!

OP posts:
MillsAndDoom · 08/04/2011 22:21

YANBU girls this age can be horrid.

Shoesytwoesy · 08/04/2011 22:22

ouch, i think I would make sure your dd is busy doing something fun on the day of the party even if she is "chosen"

flyingspaghettimonster · 08/04/2011 22:22

YANBU. Little stinker... I'd be mad if someone was playing nasty mind games with my daughter. I'd probably make plans for that weekend to take daughter somewhere fun so she could turn down an invite if it came...

Goblinchild · 08/04/2011 22:22

She sounds like a nasty little cat TBH, I'd be working on developing some distance. She'll be more manipulative and controlling the older she gets.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/04/2011 22:23

If your dd doesn't get her long awaited invitation, then perhaps you and she will be "busy" that day anyway on a special treat Wink

It is unpleasant behaviour from the other little girl. You have my sympathy, my dd (7) who is quite thoughtful and considerate has had similar behaviour towards her.

Goblinchild · 08/04/2011 22:23

I'd also be encouraging DD to take the power back into her own hands and decline an invite.

worraliberty · 08/04/2011 22:24

Oh I can't stand princessy kids like that who keep 'friends' wrapped around their fingers in the 'hope' they might get invited.

YANBU (though you would be if you rang the Mum)

Is there any way at all you could have convinced your daughter to have said "Actually, invite the other girl...I've got a lot going on, on that day. Happy birthday though"

Tisallafaff · 08/04/2011 22:24

I agree with the suggestion of having something else for her to do so that she can say 'actually, I can't come anyway because I am...' and be done with it.

peeriebear · 08/04/2011 22:24

Remove her from the 'game' by arranging a trip to the beach on the day of the party- and make damn sure you tell her mum why!

AgentZigzag · 08/04/2011 22:24

Ooooo nasty.

Don't call the mum though, but you know that Grin

DDs been to a party tonight to which the whole of her 27 DC class was invited, apart from two Sad

By the sounds of it they mostly all do stuff like this when they're together.

The girl is just using the invites in a bit of a power game, which I would guess at being pretty normal, not nice, but I can see why she might enjoy it.

Just keep on telling your DD not to give a shit and play it cool whatever happens, it's horrible having to watch it play out though, so I feel for you on that score.

peeriebear · 08/04/2011 22:25

Wow lots of cross posts, great minds eh :)

bibbitybobbityhat · 08/04/2011 22:25

Not very nice behaviour from "Lucy" but "Lucy" needs an adult who is aware of what is going on (ie. you or one of her parents if you let them know) to step in and tell her so. It is a lesson she needs to be taught: that this is not the way you treat people, its a matter of basic manners. At 9 she is perhaps too young to have learnt all the nuances of handling slightly awkward social situations.

bubblecoral · 08/04/2011 22:25

I'd be blaming the mother tbh. Who would arrange a birthday party for a child jknowing there won't be enough places for only one of her close friends? No wonder your dd's friend is acting like that.

Original poster
DoubleNegativePanda · 08/04/2011 22:25

I'm relieved that your initial reaction is not that I am coming over PFB, which she is. I generally just let the children get on with their bickering or petty games but this farked me right off!

A very good idea. We will be taking our first trip out of town for the summer to go to the amusement park. On whatever weekend that may be!

OP posts:
dexter73 · 08/04/2011 22:25

I agree with Goblinchild. She can tell her friend that she can't come anyway as she is busy.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/04/2011 22:26

Yes to above suggestions, also get her to invite another friend on a separate treat (not one of the ones already invited to the party). Then on the first day back she will have something exciting to talk about with the other friend, rather than listening to the others chatting about what she has missed. Sad

Bohica · 08/04/2011 22:26

That's a really mean thing to do. I have a 9 year old girl & we have just had her b'day party. She got to invite 10 friends but it was a sit down & decide now with no swapping.

It's horrible for your daughter & the only thing I would try to explain to DD is that this is not a nice way to treat friends, I know if we had come to a point in invites that one friend would be left out we would have squeezed them in.

YANBU for wanting to call the mum don't do it though

onepieceoflollipop · 08/04/2011 22:27

Panda imo this is different to just general bickering. The other child is being very manipulative. She is going to find it hard to keep friends when she is older which is sad.

Carrotsandcelery · 08/04/2011 22:27

Oh dear! I think her mother would be mortified. I would be. You are doing the right thing - you have told your dd that this behaviour is not acceptable. You have pointed out to dd that she cannot behave the same way. There is very little else you can do without contacting the mother.
I agree I would make sure my dd was very busy on the day of the party doing something totally amazing whether she gets an invite or not.

macdoodle · 08/04/2011 22:27

We have a girl like that in my DD1's class, 9 too. Really nasty, manipulative. Most of the girls are wise to her now, and she is shall we say less than popular.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/04/2011 22:30

macdoodle if you don't mind me asking at what age did that girl start being unpleasant/nasty?
My dd's "friend" is 7 but has been like it for a year or more. The mother is well aware of the behaviour and various justifications and excuses are made. I find it very sad and think that actually the mother is letting her down as she will struggle socially in the future imo.
Their teacher (although he doesn't comment on individual children of course) mentioned that some of the issues are more commonly seen in year5/6 girls, not year 2 which is the case with my dd and her "friend"

AgentZigzag · 08/04/2011 22:30

A nine YO would know not to play one child off against another in some kind of 'who can prove they're my bestest friend' way.

I don't blame the parents at all, even the best behaved/considerate DC can get up to all sorts when they're together without adults.

Needanewname · 08/04/2011 22:30

Aren't girls lovely!

I remember a 'friend' doing this to another girl, stupidly I got involved and it ended up the left out friend going and me being left out - that was a steep learning curve!

I agree with previous posters, find out when this party is and plan something else so that your DD can say, actually I can't come as I'm doing xxx that day but thanks for thinking of me.

AgentZigzag · 08/04/2011 22:31

I've found the opposite macdoodle (with the no doubt half a story I get from DD1) and the most manipulative/boasting girls seem to be the most popular.