Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset with DDs "friend"

125 replies

DoubleNegativePanda · 08/04/2011 22:18

DD (9) has a friend who is having a birthday party this month. She has always been invited to DDs parties, but I would not be put out if DD were not invited to this party.

However, she has told DD that she can only invite a limited number (still ok), and that their three mutual friends are invited. But the fourth "spot" she just can't decide who to invite, DD or another girl. Every day she tells DD "it's either you or Lucy, I just don't know yet who I want to have yet...". DD is quite distraught over this, because in addition to being excluded from a gathering (a learning experience in itself) she will have been deliberately and publicly rejected as these conversations take place on the playground.

Today takes the cake. DD came home teary because this girl had told her "I have to decide this weekend so we can send invitations. I don't know I you're invited yet, but don't be disappointed if you don't get one in the mail."

Angry

I've explained to DD that although we aren't invited to everything, this is not the way to treat friends and she will not be using her own birthday party as revenge for this little game being played on her.

AIBU to want to call the girl's mother just to let her know that a little lesson in compassion may be needed? Even though I don't plan to call her, I want to! It's not the exclusion, it's how rudely and torturously it's being done.

OP posts:
FuppyGish · 09/04/2011 12:50

Thank you for your comments, its really appreciated. I'll definitely go back to the teacher and discuss it again. I think if it continues then will have to keep escalating within the school, there's only 10 in the class, shortly to be 9 and they're all together for the next 12 years so it needs sorting!

Booli - The thing is I'm well aware of the 6 of one 1/2 dozen of the other with children of dds age, and certainly don't think she is totally blameless, she can be very bossy. But I've actually witnessed the other girl doing these things and how sneaky she is at doing it when she thinks no one is looking. It seems more malicious than calling each other 'poopyhead' etc, its really designed to leave dd out Sad

HeidiKat · 09/04/2011 13:35

YANBU to be upset on your daughter's behalf, I remember being treated like this by a school friend. She was having a party with limited numbers and seemed to mostly be inviting her friends from outside school but kept telling me every detail of what was going to be happening at the party even though I believed at that point that I wasn't invited. She then turned round at the last minute, the day before the party I think, and said "oh of course you are invited, I don't know where you got the idea that you weren't." Nasty, controlling behaviour, but this was when we were about 14 not 9, kids seem to become teenagers so much faster these days, I am dreading this kind of thing happening to my DD in a few years but with the benefit of hindsight I would say to her to steer clear of the whole thing and, like a few other people have said, line up a nice treat for her on that day instead to send a clear message to the birthday child that the world doesn't revolve around her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/04/2011 13:36

Some children are truly horrible, I don't know where they get it from but there's no excusing it because they are children.

If it were my daughter, OP, I'd take the party out of the equation. I'd arrange something for DD and self with maybe another of DD's (non-invited) friends for the party date and tell DD that's what you'll be doing on that date.

Then whether the invitation materialises or doesn't, DD won't be able to go anyway.

flippintired · 09/04/2011 13:39

This happened to one of mine once. I phoned the 'friends' mother to let her know and I don't regret it for a second.

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 09/04/2011 13:39

I think the friend has watched too much x factor!

megapixels · 09/04/2011 13:47

I'm sorry but I don't think it is bullying and going to the head is really OTT. I have a daughter that age and if it was happening to her I'd do as many have suggested and take her somewhere nice. The girl is just revelling in the power her party is giving her, the status it holds with the other girls waiting with baited breath for an invitation. I'd teach my daughter to take that power away by yawning loudly and saying "Oh I won't be coming anyway, I have something else planned" or something like that. No moral highground for me Wink.

Georgimama · 09/04/2011 13:56

If you bother to read the thread properly I said fuppygish's daughter was being bullied, not the OP's.

megapixels · 09/04/2011 14:05

Oops sorry I thought it was wrt the OP's problem Blush.

Deliainthemaking · 09/04/2011 14:15

I'm sorry for DD

little girls can be very mean at school I rember all the 'you're not coming to my party'

'you're invited but she's not!' etc

princessparty · 09/04/2011 14:54

her behaviour isn't nice but is very very common amongst this age of girl.I am shocked at adults demonising a 9 yo girl for behaving like...a nine yr old girl!

pigletmania · 09/04/2011 16:22

Thats just crap. If I were the mother I would invite the both of them, whats one extra child fgs, its not like its 4/5 extra. That is a bad attitude, and mabey your dd could tell her friend its not the right way to go about doing things.

Original poster
DoubleNegativePanda · 09/04/2011 16:31

I've spoken to DD and she is over the moon about going to seaworld and said if she gets an invitation she will just phone the party girl straightaway and tell her to invite Lucy instead as she will be busy.

I did tell her she can invite a friend, and she chose a girl who is the DD of one of my friends and not in her class at all. So no possible "Sorry, I can't go as I'm invited to x's party". Glad she chose the friend she did, as now I can invite the mum too and all will have a fabulous time!

I am aware that they are only children, still learning to behave socially and making mistakes. That's is why I chose to post on here rather than call the mum in a fit of piqué and turn what is likely a blip on their social radar into a full-scale rivalry. However, I do think I am allowed to be privately pissed off at the antics of this girl. I also am allowed to post anonymously on an Internet forum not even based in my country to vent about it.

She asked me if she is still allowed to be friends with the party girl and I just said that she is free to choose her own friends. I am certain that my DD has been a nasty little thing at some time to someone, and I would be sad if the parent of that child wrote my DD off permanently.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 09/04/2011 16:49

Yes, DNP, of course you are allowed to vent about it on t'internet and imo you have handled the situation absolutely brilliantly. I hope you all have a fabulous day at Seaworld.

However, some of the attitudes from adults towards 9 year old girls on this thread are really dubious. Children make mistakes and behave very poorly sometimes. The first thing that needs to happen is for the child to be told why the behaviour is unacceptable and to be encouraged to put it right. I don't suppose for one moment that the party girl's mother has any idea has daughter has been behaving in this way. You have got to give children a chance before writing them off as bullies or bitches. Surely.

Bucharest · 09/04/2011 16:54

DNP- well done for you and your daughter, who sounds lovely!
Far nicer to be at Seaworld than at some pink-princess-ick-fest (at least that's how my cake-hating fish-loving daughter would see it)
Hope she has a lovely time!

TheMonster · 09/04/2011 16:56

I think you have handled it very well. Good for you! I hope you and your dd have a lovely time.

Carrotsandcelery · 09/04/2011 18:14

Have a great day out and well done for teaching your dd great social skills. All kids make mistakes. Lets face it, adults make mistakes - I make them every day! We learn from them and this girl may well look back, in time, and be mortified by her behaviour.
It is truely unpleasant when parents tell their dcs not to play with another dc because of a mistake they made months ago. It is also niave of them to believe every word their child says about another child and never question their own child's behaviour.
Well done OP for doing neither of these things!

spanky2 · 09/04/2011 18:23

We would definately be busy that day doing something for dd. Unfortunately I got mixed up with a group of 30 somethings who still behave in this way, so I suppose a life lesson has been learnt. I hope you all have a fab day and forget about this nasty, manipulative brat.

spanky2 · 09/04/2011 18:24

Just read your latest post. I'm glad your dd is happier.

A1980 · 09/04/2011 18:45

That is a horrible thing to do.

I would plana day out for your DD on the day so that even if she is invited to the party, she should decline. That will bring the other child back down to earth and make her realsie her party isn't the centre of everyone's universe.

TBH I think you should say somethnig to her mother. Perhaps suggest to her that if her DD couldn't decide who to invite, she ought to have behaved like the mother she's meant to be and have drawn names out of a hat. I rpobably wouldnt' call but I'd want to.

I also wouldn't invite her to your DD's next party, at all.

Dozer · 09/04/2011 18:47

Fuppy, i agree with the others, sounds like bullying and that the school need to take it more seriously.

This thread has brought back horrible primary school memories!

A1980 · 09/04/2011 18:47

Hadn't read you latest post before answering.

Do let us know if she gets an invite or not!

I hope she does just so she can say no.

ajandjjmum · 09/04/2011 18:53

Would it be appropriate for your DD to call her friend this weekend, and tell her not to keep stressing - she couldn't go anyway?

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/04/2011 18:53

Oh dear God!

There's over-reacting and over-reacting and then there's over-reacting as advocated by the last three posters on this thread.

This is a 9 year old girl! She is not evil, she does not deserve to be ostracised for ever more. She needs a firm talking-to, not sending to Coventry. Because that would be passive aggressive behaviour at its worst (shunning someone and not saying why).

Children go wrong, children make mistakes, children are still learning. Its up to the adults to teach them to behave in an honest and fair way.

OliPolly · 09/04/2011 19:08

OMG MN has gone crazy over a 9yo girl behaving in a way that is not unusual at all!

Geez.

OP well done for handling this nicely.

ajandjjmum · 09/04/2011 19:09

Over-reaction's pretty bad isn't it bibbitybob!!! Grin