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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset with DDs "friend"

125 replies

DoubleNegativePanda · 08/04/2011 22:18

DD (9) has a friend who is having a birthday party this month. She has always been invited to DDs parties, but I would not be put out if DD were not invited to this party.

However, she has told DD that she can only invite a limited number (still ok), and that their three mutual friends are invited. But the fourth "spot" she just can't decide who to invite, DD or another girl. Every day she tells DD "it's either you or Lucy, I just don't know yet who I want to have yet...". DD is quite distraught over this, because in addition to being excluded from a gathering (a learning experience in itself) she will have been deliberately and publicly rejected as these conversations take place on the playground.

Today takes the cake. DD came home teary because this girl had told her "I have to decide this weekend so we can send invitations. I don't know I you're invited yet, but don't be disappointed if you don't get one in the mail."

I've explained to DD that although we aren't invited to everything, this is not the way to treat friends and she will not be using her own birthday party as revenge for this little game being played on her.

AIBU to want to call the girl's mother just to let her know that a little lesson in compassion may be needed? Even though I don't plan to call her, I want to! It's not the exclusion, it's how rudely and torturously it's being done.

OP posts:

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 08/04/2011 22:32

I just KNEW they'd be 9 or 10!!!

Charming isn't it? Hopefully your daughter has enough savvy to know it's not very nice and will be able to turn down the invite. It would be a good lesson learned for the other one and I would tell her Mum that you'd made other plans if you do get an invite because little princess was playing them off against each other. I hope the other girl does the same!

Actually on reflection why don't you invite the other girl out somewhere nice for the day???!!!

Robins · 08/04/2011 22:32

My little girl is 8 now and though I think she does exagerate a lot, I do sometimes think her best friend at school, who she thinks the world of, is actually not very nice to her a lot of the time. It sounds as though this best friend has been going off with someone else now which I am not sorry about but unfortunately this is the way a lot of little girls act and unless there is out and out bullying etc, it is best just to grin and bear it. My daughter has been invited to her first sleepover, something they seem to be obssessed about. (Se has the invitation now, not heresay that has been going on for months!) But this girl told my little girl and another girl that they weren't coming now! At least it wasn't just my daughter! It sounds as though there was a fall-out in the playground and petty jealousies but I said to my little girl of course you are still invited, you have the invitation and it will all blow over. Girls are terrible for this. I work as a mid-day assistant so I know. and it makes my little girl feel better when I tell her the stories from the playground! I suppose it is because they form such close friendships that when they fall out or someone else comes along, they feel it more. My sister in law teaches and she says you do just have to let them get on with it, as did my daughter's teacher but said they do keep an eye out for anyone really unhappy all the time etc. Not much consolation and I know how you feel but you are not alone! It's funny though, if I was the mum I wouldn't encourage her to go on about it that way, but may be the mum doesn't know. Oh the boys at school, mostly just kick holes out of each other!

Original poster

DoubleNegativePanda · 08/04/2011 22:32

I wont call her mother, though if I see her (very small town and I work in the only grocery store) I will be hard pressed to keep my trap shut! Must mentally prepare myself for the strain of that. If she brings up the party though, I will be frank but polite. If I was her I'd want to know how horrid my DD was being ao I could set her straight.

I have it! DD has been begging to go to SeaWorld for two years, and now we will go! And to the Alamo. Take that, party!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 08/04/2011 22:33

It reminds me of when my eldest was at Junior school.

One of the little brats girls in his year was the daughter of one of the playground supervisors.

She used to stand in the playground with a big group of children around her saying "Right well I won't tell my Mum on you..you can have one more chance, but I am going to tell her on you because I don't really like you" She'd then proceed to tell tales on the children and get them in trouble purely for the power trip.

It wound me up so much that I pulled the Mum to one side and told her about it. It didn't go down well because she refused to believe me...so I told another supervisor who caught her in the act. A huge row ensued between her and the Head and she ended up jacking in her job and taking her child out of the school

megapixels · 08/04/2011 22:34

Yeah I agree with the suggestion to arrange something really nice for your DD, and tell her to politely decline the invitation as she's doing something much more exciting :D.

Robins · 08/04/2011 22:35

AgentZigZag, agree with you entirely unfortunately, but I am glad my daughter isn't a meanie and just want her to be comfortable with two or three good friends and have told her I am proud of her! Oh I know she's not perfect, but I'm certain she's not in the mean girl category!

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 08/04/2011 22:37

I really wish there was a like button for worralibertys post!

Oakmaiden · 08/04/2011 22:38

Is it manipulative of me to think it would be really great for your daughter to invite this other "possibly chosen child" to something fantastic on the party day (before the invites go out) so then "Lucy" has neither of them at her party?

Possibly it is....

Not unreasonable, at all.

Needanewname · 08/04/2011 22:38

Why don;t you also invite Lucy?!

Robins · 08/04/2011 22:39

worralliberty - As I said above, I work as a mid-day assistant but not at my daughter's school, couldn't cope and feel best out of it!

AgentZigzag · 08/04/2011 22:42

There's a difference beteween saying you're busy on the day of the party and so can't go and inviting the other girl out somewhere.

Smacks of playing the same kind of manipulative power games (and revenge) the girl's playing.

PureNewWoolWithPerfectStitches · 08/04/2011 22:42

My dd is friends with one of those manipulative sorts (we'll call her Jasmine). She's a little sweetie when she's here and her mum is a friend of mine but my dd comes home and says Jasmine has been saying mean things about me to other friends. Also, dd tells me Jasmine has been saying mean things about the other friends to dd behind their backs. So basically when their backs are turned Jasmine is bitching about all of them!
DD is very confused about this. She doesn't understand why Jasmine does it ...'but I thought she was my friend mummy'.

I can't really explain it to her without saying 'get used to it, there's always bitches out there'
I did try to explain to dd that sometimes you do get fed up with your friends but being nice to their face and then being mean behind their backs is horrible.
Unfortunately saying find other friends to play with is difficult. As a lot of the girls are in the 'thrall' of the dreaded Jasmine, like Agent ZigZag says, she has all the power

Oakmaiden · 08/04/2011 22:43

Oh - Lucy is the other invitee, not the party child. Well, you know what I meant! and needanewname had the same idea too!

Oakmaiden · 08/04/2011 22:44

I know, Agent. You are right, of course. Sometimes it is nice to hatch up these little plans though, even if you won't actually do them....

PureNewWoolWithPerfectStitches · 08/04/2011 22:45

YY I'm with ZigZag on inviting Lucy. That would make you look petty. Rise above it (and then while you're up there drop some homemade bird poo on the friend and the dreaded Jasmine from my post if you don't mind)

Needanewname · 08/04/2011 22:46

I agree agent, not saying she should (realise that it doesn't come across on my earlier post) but you'd be tempted wouldn;t you?!

Robins · 08/04/2011 22:47

Horrible isn't it!

AgentZigzag · 08/04/2011 22:52

I've told my DD there are always people out there you're not going to get along with PureNewWool.

If you think of school as a micrososm of the wider world, the office twat, the wanker down the pub, they're always around and you have to deal with them.

I hate having to watch my 10 YO DD trying her best to negotiate the same types of children I had to, at least the teachers take it seriously these days.

worraliberty · 08/04/2011 22:57

Oh and the odd thing is...said bratty daughter of the mad playground supervisor is 19 now and a lovely young lady.

Unlike her Mother who by all accounts is still a total twat

Robins · 08/04/2011 22:59

But there's so many kids at school isn't there for them to cope with! I encourage by saying it's just a small part of your life, get on with it and look forward to weekend/holidays etc. I used to moan about not having schoolfriends nearby, but as they get to his 7-11 age, it is probably best for now, so she can leave it all behind at 3.15 pm. Even her Brownies is a little bit the same which disappointed me. I loved Brownies myself.

blueemerald · 09/04/2011 00:46

A boy did this to my brother in primary school (you might be coming to my party, might not, might invite you or so and so etc.. He also used to do the you can play with us today but not tomorrow bit too) and my mum rang his mum with feined innocence to check some details of the party (turns out the mother had fully intended to invite the whole class all along...) and she was shocked, embarrassed and very grateful that my mum had let her know what her little prince boy was up to.

iscream · 09/04/2011 04:57

Thumbs up for Sea World! And, maybe your dd can bring a friend...let's see the other one who may or may now not be attending party there must be someone.

saffy85 · 09/04/2011 09:21

YANBU girls can be so mean to eachother. I hate it when my 3 year old DD (can't believe they start this young!) has a spat with her friends at nursery. Even though it'll be sorted out within days usually.

manicinsomniac · 09/04/2011 10:22

You're not being unreasonable but I wouldn't really blame the kid. It's rather silly of the mum to tell her she can have 4 guests when she knows she has 5 main friends. Poor kid probably feels a bit panicky and is trying to bluff through it by turning it into a game and a power trip.

I teach kids of around this age and, tbh, a huge number of the girls would do things like this. It's just the age that they are; starting to be slightly insecure and very aware of popularity which makes many of them capable of being very manipulative and spiteful (though of course the parents never want to see this!)

I've actually banned the children from handing out party invites in class because it always seems to end in tears, sulks, squabbles or sad little girls sitting in the corner.

takethisonehereforastart · 09/04/2011 10:33

If your daughter feels she can do this, suggest that she says "well if you can't decide I will, just ask Lucy and I won't come" and then follow it up by taking her out somewhere lovely instead.

This is about power and your daughter can take it back of this awful child if can be brave enough.

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