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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset with DDs "friend"

125 replies

DoubleNegativePanda · 08/04/2011 22:18

DD (9) has a friend who is having a birthday party this month. She has always been invited to DDs parties, but I would not be put out if DD were not invited to this party.

However, she has told DD that she can only invite a limited number (still ok), and that their three mutual friends are invited. But the fourth "spot" she just can't decide who to invite, DD or another girl. Every day she tells DD "it's either you or Lucy, I just don't know yet who I want to have yet...". DD is quite distraught over this, because in addition to being excluded from a gathering (a learning experience in itself) she will have been deliberately and publicly rejected as these conversations take place on the playground.

Today takes the cake. DD came home teary because this girl had told her "I have to decide this weekend so we can send invitations. I don't know I you're invited yet, but don't be disappointed if you don't get one in the mail."

Angry

I've explained to DD that although we aren't invited to everything, this is not the way to treat friends and she will not be using her own birthday party as revenge for this little game being played on her.

AIBU to want to call the girl's mother just to let her know that a little lesson in compassion may be needed? Even though I don't plan to call her, I want to! It's not the exclusion, it's how rudely and torturously it's being done.

OP posts:
grumpypants · 09/04/2011 10:44

She's only nine. She's either trying to decide in a really rubbish way with no empathy or she's having a power trip - this happens ALL the time. Either wait it out, or ring the other mother and explain that you realise there's a problem with numbers, not to worry, you've already arranged something that clashes. Why make a big deal of it?

Anniepops · 09/04/2011 10:47

Just to echo blueemeralds post, although this is a big feature of girls of that age, it's not unheard of among boys. My son had a 'friend' in primary school who was could be a nice little lad (well, I'm sure his mum thought so!) but was a sneaky little toad and played people off against each other something rotten. He relished leaving people out & I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. I think the only way to deal with it is to find ways of having 'small victories' or calling their bluff.

TheMonster · 09/04/2011 11:03

Oh that little girl sounds awful. DOn't phone the mum.
I think you should organise a really nice trip on the day of the party, so even if your dd is invited, you can't go. And then make sure you buy a little gift for her friends (like a stick of rock).

TakeItOnTheChins · 09/04/2011 11:15

Nasty little bitch.

Organise something really special, and when the NLB mentions her birthday again, tell your daughter to say "Oh that - well I won't be coming anyway because we're going for dinner with JLS" or whatever.

With a bit of luck, nobody will turn up to the NLB's party anyway. Fingers crossed.

grumpypants · 09/04/2011 11:16

Nasty Little Bitch? Bloody hell - grown women harbouring this sort of attitude to children?

Robins · 09/04/2011 11:21

Good post Mrsmanicinsomniac teacher! Think we needed to hear it from a teacher's perspective and totally agree with you.

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2011 11:34

I just wish that sometimes the mothers of these little 'princesses' would appear on here and explain their 'thinking'.

Georgimama · 09/04/2011 11:35

I can think of several acquaintances of mine who were nasty little bitches at nine, and still are. A nine year old is perfectly capable of being thoroughly unpleasant. She may or may not grow out of it. Hopefully she will.

Definitely encourage your daughter to distance herself from this child and learn to head off this kind of power play with an airy "oh, I have something on that day anyway, what a shame - ask x instead". It will stop when it doesn't work.

grumpypants · 09/04/2011 11:42

No wonder women are always portrayed as at each others throats and divided on all issues - I am shocked at the level of acceptable nastiness directed at this child and her actions as reported on an internet forum. Excuse me while I opt out of this weird alter life.

Georgimama · 09/04/2011 11:44

Oh yawn to the moral high ground. Unpleasant adults were usually unpleasant children. Unpleasant old people were usually unpleasant in adulthood. It's not exactly controversial.

TakeItOnTheChins · 09/04/2011 11:46

Nobody is directing any nastiness at this child. She isn't in the computer, or likely to be reading. She DOES sound horrible - 9 year olds can be.

TakeItOnTheChins · 09/04/2011 11:47

"yawn to the moral high ground"

Exactly.

If you're going to get bosom-hoiky at this thread, best not visit some of the others - you'd probably combust Hmm

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 09/04/2011 11:52

Go and see Justin Bieber or who ever else girls are into these day on the day of the party

Then allow her to bring back 3 small pressies for her nicest friends Wink

Maryz · 09/04/2011 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 09/04/2011 11:59

Would your daughter be open to the suggestion of not being her friend anymore & telling her that & that she doesn´t want to go?

The girl is a bully & surely your daughter would benefit from having nothing more to do with her.

ineedagoodsolicitor · 09/04/2011 12:00

OP

Do you know whether "Lucy" is also going through the unpleasant experience of being told "I don't know who to invite, Mabel or you, Oh I just can't decide" ?

If she is then this IMHO would be grounds for inviting her on your dd's lovely day out to Seaworld.

Would need to be done by 'phone pronto though if "Little Miss Indecisive" is making up her mind this weekend and will be issuing the last golden ticket very soon.

I call her Little Miss Indecisive as surely there is still a possibility that she is just emotionally/socially immature and has no idea of the effect that sharing the deliberation process verbally with your dd is having.

mumeeee · 09/04/2011 12:03

Nine year old girls can be very nasty to each other one day then the best of friends another day.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2011 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heliumballoons · 09/04/2011 12:12

I want to air on the socially immature and indecisive side of the fence but I know a 5yo who can manipulate most people around her (not me Wink) but issuing similar but as threats. 'I won't do x/ you won't come and do y with unless '. Thing is it's done so well when others stand up and shrug - and offer her to join their game (already running) she'll say 'no thankyou, it's my choice what I play, I'm just telling you how I feel' Shock You almost want to congratulate her on her powers of manipulation and ask for tips.

YANBU, I agree arranage something really good for your DD that day, just be prepared for the fact if/ when an invite turns up she may really want to go. Sad

Is there any chance Lucy is already invited and she knows your DD won't be (b'day girl that is not lucy) ? She may just be letting your DD know badly she wanted her to come but couldn't accomodate her, so when they go back after holidays DD knows it wasn't a straightforward decision.

Robins · 09/04/2011 12:23

mumeee That is very true and we have to act like adults. My mum never got involved in girly squabbles and we learnt from her. It does hurt you though and you do want to protect your daughter but it isn't 100% possible!

FuppyGish · 09/04/2011 12:36

Can I hijack to ask all you lovely people with experience of this sort of thing for help please?

My dd is only 6 but in her class of 10 there is one girl who is 'mean' to her. I've witnessed her in action myself, lots of 'you can't sit here I'm saving this seat', 'You can't play with us', moving from piece of equipment to piece of equipment on the play gym so that dd couldnt play with anything and then laughing when dd cried, and the worst recently 'You're a loser because your mummy and daddy aren't coming to watch you at the swimming' (we both had to work, roped grandad in in the end) Angry

I've tried telling dd to ignore her/tell her not to mean/play with other people etc. I've spoken to the girls mother (we're friends) but the girl just denies doing anything wrong. DD can't play with the others because they all play with this girl and she says dd isnt 'allowed' to play with them Angry

Any thoughts on what to do? I've spoken to the teacher but she doesn't see it as it mainly happens at lunch/breaks. Just getting really upset with dd coming home upset everyday and now starting to say she's too 'ill' to go to school every morning Sad

boolifooli · 09/04/2011 12:41

I volunteer in a primary and this behaviour is something all children dabble in, from the quiet bookworms to the bossy queenbees. They're still learning. I find it amusing when posters swear blind that their kids are entirely incapable of such behavior and that they accept their child's recounts as a full and honest statement of fact. Thats what actually concerns me most on these threads, but not as much as the comments directed at the girl in question. Shocking.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2011 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama · 09/04/2011 12:43

That is bullying, fuppy, plain and simple. if you are friends with the mother you need to get firm - she either deals with her childs behaviour or you escalate within the school.

scuse typing typing one handed

Georgimama · 09/04/2011 12:45

agree with sgm - just because it is normal at this age doesnt mean adults throw up their hands and leave them to it.

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