To be so upset with DDs "friend"

[DoubleNegativePanda]

DD (9) has a friend who is having a birthday party this month. She has always been invited to DDs parties, but I would not be put out if DD were not invited to this party.

However, she has told DD that she can only invite a limited number (still ok), and that their three mutual friends are invited. But the fourth "spot" she just can't decide who to invite, DD or another girl. Every day she tells DD "it's either you or Lucy, I just don't know yet who I want to have yet...". DD is quite distraught over this, because in addition to being excluded from a gathering (a learning experience in itself) she will have been deliberately and publicly rejected as these conversations take place on the playground.

Today takes the cake. DD came home teary because this girl had told her "I have to decide this weekend so we can send invitations. I don't know I you're invited yet, but don't be disappointed if you don't get one in the mail."

I've explained to DD that although we aren't invited to everything, this is not the way to treat friends and she will not be using her own birthday party as revenge for this little game being played on her.

AIBU to want to call the girl's mother just to let her know that a little lesson in compassion may be needed? Even though I don't plan to call her, I want to! It's not the exclusion, it's how rudely and torturously it's being done.

The girl's mother is in all probability unaware of what's going on. I'd want to know, not that that makes it your responsibility to tell her. Assuming nine year old girls are not capable of being independent, self sufficient adults holding down a job and paying a mortgage then we can assume that they also have social skills lessons to learn. I remember doing sone mean teasing in year six and seven in a misguided attempt to fit in. I am now a pretty okay adult who doesn't do nasty things and has So I think you've done the right thing in not playing along with the nasty game, but would steer clear of judging the girl long term.

Sorry, and who has plenty of good, functioning friendships.

You dealt with it very well, hope that you have a fantastic time at Seaworld. Thought that was in Florida though.

It is in Florida piglet. The OP has already said she doesn't live in the UK

I'm guessing she's in TX (somewhere close-ish to San Antonio) as she mentioned the Alamo

I experienced this sort of crap from friends at primary school. Really nasty blatant leaving me out type bullying. It really hurt. I got the last laugh - at secondary school I made loads of nice new friends and was, though I do say so myself, quite popular but they didn't fare so well there.

Your daughter will be learning lots about who is the sort of friend to avoid in future - it's horrible though and it makes me sad to hear. I second your daughter declining the invite if received.

Agree wholeheartedly with bibbety , grumpy and lookandlearn . The child is only 9 years old and is in a situation that most adults would find awkward to handle: inviting only one more friend and knowing that the one left out will know that they're left out. She's not being sensitive about it but maybe she is really out of her depth and overcompensating.

OP, you sound like a great mum and you handled this really well, and the way that you have referred to 'Lucy' and her behaviour has been fair enough.

But I am really and at some other posters' reactions. It's just plain shameful to refer to a child as a 'nasty little bitch'. Recognising that has nothing to do with moral high ground and everything to do with common decency.

To reiterate what someone else said, it isn't your responsibility to tell 'Lucy''s mother about her daughter's behaviour, but if it were my daughter I'd want to know so that I could put her right. And I would appreciate it if you approached it from a place of understanding that she is acting out of childishness, not 'bitch'iness.

I hadn't thought of that.

Perhaps the girl doens't know she's upsetting the Op's DD.

Perhaps she really doesn't know who she wants to invite therefore she's keeping everyone updated all the time, not knowing she's upsetting the OP's DD.

It must be playing on her mind quite a bit if she keeps telling everyone.

TBH the girls mum should have taken the decision out of her hands and drawn a name out of a hat.

Sorry, last paragraph is addressed to OP. Paragraph before that is not.

Seconding Annipops - have experienced this with boys too, although it's alarmingly more common with the girls

cloudydays - I'm sure you are right that sometimes this sort of thing is down to social awkwardness.. Sometimes it's deliberate, but then I do wonder how happy and secure a child really is to have to exclude, bully and manipulate others.

If it were my child doing it I'd want to know

There is a Sea World in Florida, but there are also Sea World parks in San Diego and San Antonio We live in Central Texas. Wish I was talking about the Orlando location as then we could also go to Disney World! Alas, far to broke for that trip right now!

I've just been thinking how grateful I am that DD has a summer birthday. We invite by mail, email and phone and any children who aren't invited (though that's unusual, this is a small place) never even realized that there was a party.

I've been to the San Diego one Stewie, I'm jealous of your visiting the Orlando one! Do you live in the US or are you an expat?

My phone's autocorrect keeps changing "Stewie" to "Steaks". Hope you're not a vegetarian

I've actually been here since 2006 under a different name. I just never did work out where you are actually from. Other than clearly from North America

DH and I honeymooned in Victoria. It was absolutely gorgeous, and everyone we met was so pleasant!

My DD seems to spend half her time trying to be inappropriately older than her 10 years and the other half regressing into the way she behaved when she was 5

They're just learning how to get on and it's easy to forget just how young they are, plus they all develop in different ways and at different times.

I agree with cloudydays that it's possible she honestly hasn't noticed she might be causing stress by talking all the time about it, and she would be really excited wouldn't she?

Agent you're probably right, and the party girl is tremendously excited. Whether she knows or not how not-nice it is to string two others along this way knowing one will be excluded, I don't know. If not, she needs to learn how mean and inconsiderate it is. Unfortunately for her, that's usually the painful sort of lesson learned at school. I hope it comes in the form of a parental discussion and not having the tables turned and little mind games played on her next time. Because it has been very hurtful to my DD, and would affect her the same way.

I think it needs to be mentioned to the parents, actually. Why should the teacher have to do the parents' job?

I agree with bibbity. What has this situation to do with the school.

The mother eneds to be told that if her DD can't make her mind up then she as a parent needs to handle the situation and flip a coin to choose. The hell with this drawn out decision making process in the play ground while getting another child upset.