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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Playground bully - aged 45

134 replies

Belgrano · 07/04/2011 12:33

I'm a bit gobsmacked and can't see how this could be reasonable (from his point of view). I can't see why any adult would behave like this....
The story is-
Yesterday was a lovely sunny day in the park so me, DD (4yrs1mth) and DS (20 months) went there for the afternoon. Late on, about 5 30 pm I lost DD for a bit while i was changing DS' nappy. Not worried because it is a big busy playground with the play area safely fenced off, i went looking for her. Eventually I found her queieing for a 'big' swing - standing beside a man who was pushing a child. She said 'I can't come I am queueing Mummy'. Fair enough. i was impressed she was standing so nicely and queueing.

There were 2 others around 8 or 10 yrs old queuing on the other side of the 2 swings and both swings were in use. It looked as though all the 4 other kids there belonged with this man. I said 'Come on, 2 minutes more then we have to go' and she said in a panic to the man and his children 'I've only got 2 minutes, can't I pleeeeease have a go?!'.

In his shoes I would have got my child off to give another child a quick go if they had been waiting so nicely and patiently and had to leave shortly. However I would also understand if the man had just said nothing and carried on pushing his child (although secretly might have thought him a bit mean). But oh no! He instead said very loudly so that she was humiliated and I could easily hear across the playground, 'NO! You are in the queue. That little girl is in front of you. It's NOT your turn. The world doesn't revolve around you you know'

Not quite the happy, sharing, sunny vibe of the playpark a moment before!
She burst into noisy sobs. I gathered her up and rushed away telling her to ignore the mean man.
Later I went up to him and said 'My daughter is only just 4 you know. What you did then was unnecessary and humiliating for her and she was very upset'. His response? A shrug and 'Well she's VERY pushy' with his arms crossed. PUSHY? Can this word be applied to a girl who is almost still a toddler and was queuing nicely, albeit a bit desperate for her turn because she is only just 4????
Who's being unreasonable please? She went to bed crying about it, because the man's daughter also told her mean things like 'I don't care about you little girl'. And these were 'nice' middle class types in an expensive area...!!

OP posts:

PeachesandStrawberry · 08/04/2011 09:38

That man sounds like a bully and there was no need for that.

Read the OP people!!

OP YANBU and if it was my child I don't think that I would have been as restrained as you.

slhilly · 08/04/2011 09:50

I am amazed that some people here are judging a four-year old girl for crying about being spoken to nastily by a strange man at a park. "PFB" "go to pieces" "the child".

She's not over-sensitive. She doesn't need to learn lessons about the mean old world. She's a girl who asked a favour and got a mouthful for her temerity.

He's a twat and the one in need of lessons (primarily, "don't be a twat to a child, you big twatty bully")

Gemsy83 · 08/04/2011 09:51

If it were my child I wouldnt have been too impressed with her badgering people who have been waiting for a go in front of them- i'd be explaining how queues generally work and waiting for a turn. Yes you have to leave soon- so might all the others in the queue.

brass · 08/04/2011 09:59

'She doesn't need to learn lessons about the mean old world'

That is PFB in a sentence.

If you take that attitude your child is destined for a lot of hurt surely? It can be a mean old world and children need to be guided through it and learn to shake off things that aren't that important.

I don't think this incident was that big a deal and OP could have handled it differently. I suspect the DD felt worse because of OP's reaction to it.

Snobear4000 · 08/04/2011 10:06

Christ, who cares? Get a life.

bemybebe · 08/04/2011 10:13

"'She doesn't need to learn lessons about the mean old world"

oh dear. I wish your children well in life.

BarryShitpeas · 08/04/2011 10:28

Wot Brass said. All of it.

puffling · 08/04/2011 10:33

Noone on here would tell a 4 year old they don't know that the world doesn't revolve around them. So, not a pleasant man.

On the other side, your dd is fairly brazen for a 4 year old to ask a man she doesn't know, if she can push in.

bemybebe · 08/04/2011 10:41

There is nothing wrong with asking (politely) if someone can push in. After all a swing is a big deal for a 4 yo. That said, when she was told 'no' peppered with unnecessary additional info, she should have been guided through this rather unpleasant conversation with appropriately and without any drama. The fact that she was crying til bedtime and the OP felt strong enough to come over here with a massive AIBU post tells me more about them than the man. This poor girl is almost destined to have disappointment after disappointment in life unless her mother decides to take a different approach in handling these situation.

thatsenough · 08/04/2011 10:42

Unless you had another pressing appointment surely it would have been easier all round to say to your DD "after your turn on the swing it's time to go"? You obviously had time to go back "later" to tell him what you thought.

takethisonehereforastart · 08/04/2011 12:45

What's PFB?

Okay, the OP didn't say "shouted" or "agressive" but she said "very loudly" and she told us what he said, which wasn't nice and which probably sounds more agressive to a four year old than to an adult.

Put them together and her daughter must have felt like the man was shouting at her.

I think the OP has been very good in admitting that the man and his children were under no obligation to let her daughter jump the queue.

And yes, perhaps it will have taught her daughter that she can't expect her own way all the time (not that I'm suggesting she does).

But perhaps the man and his children need to learn that sometimes, it's nice to be nice.

This made me think last night, when I was about six I was allowed to walk to a friends house on my own. As I passed a gate a little dog was fussing at me so I stopped to stroke it through the gate and somehow the dogs paw got caught in the railings and it yelped. It's owner was in the garden and he shouted at me to get away from his dog and his garden and said that if he saw me there again he would call the police.

I was terrified then and for weeks afterwards I wouldn't go to my friends house in case he saw me and called the police. I thought I was going to be sent to prison and all for petting a dog. When I did feel brave enough to go to my friends again I went the long way, and since I wasn't allowed to cross roads alone I used to walk around an entire cul-de-sac I didn't even need to walk along otherwise and added about five minutes to the trip, just to make sure I didn't have to pass his house by going the other way.

It hasn't ruined my life, it was something I thought I had forgotten all about, but it surprised me how clearly I can remember it now I've had a reason to think about it.

But this man probably never gave me a second thought, would have no idea that I was scared of him for weeks or that I can remember it 30 years later (at least I'm laughing at him now).

But there is a big difference between teaching children a lesson (or assuming it's up to us to teach a strangers child that lesson, which is pretty much what the man did) and explaining the rules of the playground and the importance of waiting your turn.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 08/04/2011 12:56

Am I the only one getting a bit uncomfortable at all the class-warfare being hinted at? As someone who considers themselves middle-class, I go out of my way to be nice to people (in public anyway!), and expect my peers to do the same. I've also met working-class people of both the lovely and nasty variety. Extremely unfair to assume that people with less money are automatically more personable, just like in the movies. Especially since the OP wasn't implying it at all - she simply said that for someone who appeared to be from a wealthy area, she expected that someone would have taught him manners somewhere during the course of his education.

By the way, I do think this guy was nasty, but my parents would never have encouraged me to ask to go first just because we happened to be leaving. Sometimes we can't get what we want, and I suspect you may have visibly acted like it was a big deal in front of your daughter, which will only serve to draw out the upset.

slhilly · 08/04/2011 13:11

"brass Fri 08-Apr-11 09:59:21
'She doesn't need to learn lessons about the mean old world'

That is PFB in a sentence. "

You are over-interpreting. I meant that this incident does not demonstrate that the OP's daughter needs to learn lessons about the mean old world. This incident demonstrates that some people will be twats to small children, and that they will find support on Mumsnet.

allgonebellyup · 08/04/2011 13:27

i can't believe there are 3 pages devoted to this!

microserf · 08/04/2011 20:49

YANBU!

I can't believe the comments here . It's the way he spoke to her, not what he said. Certainly, the concept of taking your turn needs to be explained. But you don't have to be a total prick about it. I wouldn't speak to my kids like that, nor anyone else's. I would politely explain that everyone has to wait their turn.

What a total and complete arse.

Dancergirl · 08/04/2011 21:01

Can see both sides really.

Yes he was rude and completely over-reacted and shouldn't have spoken to her like that. But really I don't think your dd should have asked for a turn. That's just how it is in the park - you wait in a queue for your turn. And sometimes unfortunately you might not get a turn if you have to leave or the park closes or whatever.

You'd been there all afternoon, it's really not the end of the world if she didn't get a go on the swings.

LynetteScavo · 08/04/2011 21:16

My DD started school at this age and had to learn to wait her turn in every situation. From what the man said (Well she's VERY pushy') I suspect she had asked several times if she could have a go.

So he wasn't particularly polite, but I'm surprised she went to be crying about it. This makes me think you didn't handle the whole thing very well.

For what it's worth last time my DD was on a swing in a busy playground and someone else was queuing, the grandparent asked politely if the child could have a go because "Jim" (old boy she was with, but not married to, she explained ) had a doctors apt' at 3.30. Of course we obliged.

Tanith · 08/04/2011 23:04

While we're all analysing and reading things into this incident, I think the most telling of all was the man's daughter's taunting behaviour.

"I don't care about you, little girl!"

That tells me a lot about this unpleasant incident and the behaviour of this man. The OP is not being unreasonable.

LynetteScavo · 09/04/2011 06:53

Even so, despite what I said, YANBU, OP

Animation · 09/04/2011 07:06

I remember being a 4 year old.

That's no way to talk to a 4 year old.

I would have been upset too at his unknd tone.

Glad you called him "mean".

activate · 09/04/2011 07:09

I am interested in the fact that people here seem to think that only a 4 year old is a small child and that 8 to 10 year olds should not count

the most sense here was by JoanofArc IMO

"I would say to her, 'look there's never any harm in asking, because sometimes you might miss out by not doing so - and maybe sometimes it will pay off. But the guy did have a point, because it really wasn't your turn, and perhaps he could have said that more nicely but you don't know - he could just have been having a bad day. Don't be upset, you were polite and you chanced your arm, but you have to realise that sometimes that won't pay off'."

activate · 09/04/2011 07:11

also, though I know this won't go down well, I think 4 year old, OP and a whole lot of you on the thread should get over it -

CheerfulYank · 09/04/2011 07:33

Speaking like that to a child is ridiculous IMO. She wouldn't have even had to ask if I'd been in the man's place. As soon as I heard you say that she had only two minutes, I would have offered her the swing. That's what you do.

"DS, let's give this little girl a turn since she has to leave in a minute." Am that anyone would do otherwise.

Animation · 09/04/2011 07:47

I would have offered her the swing in a cheery, playful way - "oh quick, come on - you've only got two minutes!" - as you do with 4 year olds in a playground. It's supposed to be fun!

thatsenough · 09/04/2011 08:00

OP doesn't state how old the child in the swing is - My 3.11 month old would not take well to being evicted from a swing he had queued patiently for, although my 6 year old may have been more accomodating (I fear he will be walked over easily).

And could the OP really have not queued for just a few minutes, she had time to speak to the man later, so can't have been in that much of a rush.

I agree the man could have put it better, but she really has no idea if her DD and the man had already had a conversation or how long he had queued with his children (who might also have had to go somewhere else).

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