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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Playground bully - aged 45

134 replies

Belgrano · 07/04/2011 12:33

I'm a bit gobsmacked and can't see how this could be reasonable (from his point of view). I can't see why any adult would behave like this....
The story is-
Yesterday was a lovely sunny day in the park so me, DD (4yrs1mth) and DS (20 months) went there for the afternoon. Late on, about 5 30 pm I lost DD for a bit while i was changing DS' nappy. Not worried because it is a big busy playground with the play area safely fenced off, i went looking for her. Eventually I found her queieing for a 'big' swing - standing beside a man who was pushing a child. She said 'I can't come I am queueing Mummy'. Fair enough. i was impressed she was standing so nicely and queueing.

There were 2 others around 8 or 10 yrs old queuing on the other side of the 2 swings and both swings were in use. It looked as though all the 4 other kids there belonged with this man. I said 'Come on, 2 minutes more then we have to go' and she said in a panic to the man and his children 'I've only got 2 minutes, can't I pleeeeease have a go?!'.

In his shoes I would have got my child off to give another child a quick go if they had been waiting so nicely and patiently and had to leave shortly. However I would also understand if the man had just said nothing and carried on pushing his child (although secretly might have thought him a bit mean). But oh no! He instead said very loudly so that she was humiliated and I could easily hear across the playground, 'NO! You are in the queue. That little girl is in front of you. It's NOT your turn. The world doesn't revolve around you you know'

Not quite the happy, sharing, sunny vibe of the playpark a moment before!
She burst into noisy sobs. I gathered her up and rushed away telling her to ignore the mean man.
Later I went up to him and said 'My daughter is only just 4 you know. What you did then was unnecessary and humiliating for her and she was very upset'. His response? A shrug and 'Well she's VERY pushy' with his arms crossed. PUSHY? Can this word be applied to a girl who is almost still a toddler and was queuing nicely, albeit a bit desperate for her turn because she is only just 4????
Who's being unreasonable please? She went to bed crying about it, because the man's daughter also told her mean things like 'I don't care about you little girl'. And these were 'nice' middle class types in an expensive area...!!

OP posts:

slhilly · 07/04/2011 14:08

diddl, I'll ask the question again: what point did he have?

LDNmummy · 07/04/2011 14:08

Wouldn't it as an adult have made more sense to take his child out of one swing and ask the other little girl if she didn't mind your LO going ahead of her? Then he could let the other little girl have a go and put his LO back on.

Or, he could have simply said something more acceptable to your DD of 4 years of age. That is disgraceful. I always wonder how people like that breed. I know that sounds harsh but who is having a relationship with this dude to have children?

MerryMarigold · 07/04/2011 14:09

YANBU. Partly you're so upset because this is not at all how you would deal with it. I am also the kind of parent that would make my kid get off for someone else. I've recently realised that maybe this is not the best way to be (I dunno...not figured it out completely) and sometimes you have stick up for your own kids more. (I was brought up like that and now I am also a bit of a walkover!). Well done for going and speaking to the man, though. That took lots of guts and was brilliant for your dd to see.

Btw, I know you! (And I know you are really not an U type of person at all). Check out my profile! (I saw this on your FB too). Oops. we have been outed. Thought it only fair to tell you since I know who you are, you can know who I am too.

diddl · 07/04/2011 14:11

The point he had was that it wasn´t her turn.

slhilly · 07/04/2011 14:17

That's not a point. It's the opposite, it's pointless. She obviously knew it wasn't her turn: that's why she asked the question in the first place! What is the point of telling her something she already knew?

If she were a teenager or adult, ie someone able to defend herself, she'd have been likely to reply to "it's not your turn" with "I know that, dumbass. That's why I was asking if you'd do me a favour and explaining that it was because I'm about to leave the park. There's no need to be a twat about it." But given that she's four, she just cried. Understandably.

Wilfimina · 07/04/2011 14:25

Just to put a slight perspective on it by your own admission your daughter had wandered off so you have no idea if she had been harassing the guy and maybe it was the tail end of it you caught, not that it justifies rudeness though.

diddl · 07/04/2011 14:28

His rudeness isn´t justifiable, is it?

But I also hate the idea that she should have been allowed to have a go because she is 4/asked/was about to leave.

Original poster

Belgrano · 07/04/2011 14:30

BTW my coment on a 'nice' middle class area is because we have just moved there from a (much nicer!) working class area where this sort of thing would never have happened. It was my first venture to the playpark in this new area.

Also I didn't say I wanted him to get the child he was pushing off, just that I would have done so to give another child a go before they left. Perhaps I am too kind to other peoples' kids?? Personally I think its a good lesson to teach my kids to be kind.

And yes it was definitely his child he was pushing, as were all 4 of them. They were all quite big - about 8 or 10 years old.

I really don't think you can use a word like pushy about a 4 year old - its an adult trait, no? She was 3 last month so is barely out of toddler-hood. Just very tall.

And yes she was still upset at bedtime. Yes she is sensitive. If anyone who helpfully pointed that out to me can tell me how to breed that out of them I'd be grateful...? It wasn't due to me going on about it. I didn't mention it to her again after we left the playground for exactly that reason. I saved it to tell DH when he got home after their bedtime.

OP posts:

FlamingJamie · 07/04/2011 14:31

He is an arse, and nice middle class people can be bigger arses than anyone, IME

Original poster

Belgrano · 07/04/2011 14:34

Ooh hello merrymarigold. yes I have placed you now!

OP posts:

LDNmummy · 07/04/2011 14:34

Indeed FlamingJamie

LDNmummy · 07/04/2011 14:35

And of course she is sensitive at that age, it would have been the same reaction from my neice of the same age. That is horrid for an adult to say to a little girl.

FlamingJamie · 07/04/2011 14:35

And I agree with what sihilly said in her last post

PaisleyLeaf · 07/04/2011 14:37

He shouldn't have been so snappy even if she had been on and on about her turn. I think most of us have occasions when we've had to bite our tongue and be patient with other DCs when their parents seem to have left us to mind them, so it can be done without snapping.
But I also don't think he should have taken the current swinging child off and let her jump in ahead of the other 2 waiting. - you say they looked to be with him, but so did your DD for a while.

JoanofArgos · 07/04/2011 14:38

I would say to her, 'look there's never any harm in asking, because sometimes you might miss out by not doing so - and maybe sometimes it will pay off. But the guy did have a point, because it really wasn't your turn, and perhaps he could have said that more nicely but you don't know - he could just have been having a bad day. Don't be upset, you were polite and you chanced your arm, but you have to realise that sometimes that won't pay off'.

winnybella · 07/04/2011 14:39

No, obviously he was rude and nasty.
When I said he had a point, I meant that everyone should wait their turn.

But, yes, he spoke to her as if she was an unreasonable adult, not a small child.

fedupandfifty · 07/04/2011 14:39

Yes, he should have known better. However, in a busy park with queues for the swings both you and your DD should accept that sometimes not getting a go on the swings in a fact of life, and get over it. Y are being a teeny bit U IMHO.

brass · 07/04/2011 14:41

But she wasn't with you for a while so you don't actually know how pushy she was being in the queue before you found her.

Perhaps they'd already had words and that was why she was queuing?

It sounds harsh 'the world doesn't revolve around you' but perhaps there had been some build up before you got there and they'd got the impression she was spoilt.

Original poster

Belgrano · 07/04/2011 14:42

Oh hey I didn't mind about her not getting a go, that is not what has upset me AT ALL. We are talking about the other part here.
It's his loud public belittling and name-calling that is the issue.

OP posts:

Deliainthemaking · 07/04/2011 14:44

LOL PUSHY? WTF shes 4

hes an arse YANBU

BetchaByGolly · 07/04/2011 14:44

He is a complete cock and I would have been tempted, in your shoes, to ding my big hunk of a bloke and have him come up to the park to see if the dickhead dad wanted to use the same tone of voice with him...however...

EWhy should everyone in the wueue step aside to let your DD on the swing just because you said she has to leave in 2 mins. Why not wait until your DD had her turn on the swing and then go home? Bit odd.

brass · 07/04/2011 14:45

Actually, I think you can use a word like pushy for a 4 yr old.

Some 4 yr olds can be pushy.

Original poster

Belgrano · 07/04/2011 14:45

Sorry posted too early. I meant to say that i wouldn't be posting on AIBU or moaning about some man not letting my DD have a go on a swing.
That stuff happens. And it's part and parcel of daily life.
It was his attitude and words to her and to me that I am AIBU'ing about.

OP posts:

brass · 07/04/2011 14:49

well yes of course he could have handled it better.

Just smiled and said 'sorry but it's the other child's turn' kind of thing without a character assassination.

slhilly · 07/04/2011 14:50

"JoanofArgos Thu 07-Apr-11 14:38:28
I would say to her, 'look there's never any harm in asking, because sometimes you might miss out by not doing so - and maybe sometimes it will pay off. But the guy did have a point, because it really wasn't your turn, and perhaps he could have said that more nicely but you don't know - he could just have been having a bad day. Don't be upset, you were polite and you chanced your arm, but you have to realise that sometimes that won't pay off'."

JoanofArgos, what kind of prodigy children do you know that would follow this explanation at age 4+1??!

And as I said before, this "the guy did have a point, because it really wasn't your turn" makes no sense at all. She knows it wasn't her turn, that's why she asked the question. She was asking if he minded letting her jump the queue. There's no expectation of a "yes" implied in asking. But there is an expectation of civil discourse and not being publicly humiliated implied in the fact that she was left sobbing.

Sheesh, I don't understand people's logic sometimes!

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