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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playground bully - aged 45

134 replies

Belgrano · 07/04/2011 12:33

I'm a bit gobsmacked and can't see how this could be reasonable (from his point of view). I can't see why any adult would behave like this....
The story is-
Yesterday was a lovely sunny day in the park so me, DD (4yrs1mth) and DS (20 months) went there for the afternoon. Late on, about 5 30 pm I lost DD for a bit while i was changing DS' nappy. Not worried because it is a big busy playground with the play area safely fenced off, i went looking for her. Eventually I found her queieing for a 'big' swing - standing beside a man who was pushing a child. She said 'I can't come I am queueing Mummy'. Fair enough. i was impressed she was standing so nicely and queueing.

There were 2 others around 8 or 10 yrs old queuing on the other side of the 2 swings and both swings were in use. It looked as though all the 4 other kids there belonged with this man. I said 'Come on, 2 minutes more then we have to go' and she said in a panic to the man and his children 'I've only got 2 minutes, can't I pleeeeease have a go?!'.

In his shoes I would have got my child off to give another child a quick go if they had been waiting so nicely and patiently and had to leave shortly. However I would also understand if the man had just said nothing and carried on pushing his child (although secretly might have thought him a bit mean). But oh no! He instead said very loudly so that she was humiliated and I could easily hear across the playground, 'NO! You are in the queue. That little girl is in front of you. It's NOT your turn. The world doesn't revolve around you you know'
Shock Shock Shock
Not quite the happy, sharing, sunny vibe of the playpark a moment before!
She burst into noisy sobs. I gathered her up and rushed away telling her to ignore the mean man.
Later I went up to him and said 'My daughter is only just 4 you know. What you did then was unnecessary and humiliating for her and she was very upset'. His response? A shrug and 'Well she's VERY pushy' with his arms crossed. PUSHY? Can this word be applied to a girl who is almost still a toddler and was queuing nicely, albeit a bit desperate for her turn because she is only just 4????
Who's being unreasonable please? She went to bed crying about it, because the man's daughter also told her mean things like 'I don't care about you little girl'. And these were 'nice' middle class types in an expensive area...!!

OP posts:
FlamingJamie · 07/04/2011 15:59

Well I don't think that's right. I'd tell a child off for pushing in, hurting another child etc, but an apparently brattish tone of voice in a 4 year old - no. No need to use those words

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2011 16:01

What JoanofArgos said, it's not difficult for a four year old to follow.

Whether all of these children belonged to that man is really irrelevant. It wasn't your daugther's turn, OP, and that man reminded her, not lovingly or particularly politely, but then again, many people only like their own children and really are uninterested in anybody elses.

You saved this up for your DH to hear? Really OP? It sounds as if you have a little difficulty letting go yourself. It really would have been a non-event here. Do you think your daughter is picking up your sensitivities herself? We're all different but I think a quick hug and explanation is better than reliving and recreating the 'drama'.

worraliberty · 07/04/2011 16:02

I don't let people talk to me like shit...especially not 4yr old children, but as I say, it's all in the tone of voice sometimes.

And of course the guy might just be a knob.

Salmotrutta · 07/04/2011 16:07

If the park was busy then maybe the Dad had been queueing for ages too - the OP doesn't know - although as I said earlier he could have said it in a kinder way.
But I still don't think it's particularly unreasonable for him to point out that, beside the child on the swing, there was another one ahead of the OPs daughter and people have to take their turn. He just could have said it more pleasantly.

diddl · 07/04/2011 16:12

Well, she might be sensitive, OP,but at least she´s confident if she´ll go off & queue by herself & as a stranger if she can have a go on a swing because she has to go soon.

worraliberty · 07/04/2011 16:13

Actually I've only just thought about this but as the OP said she lost the child while she was changing a nappy, she wouldn't know if her DD had already had some sort of conversation with the man.

Perhaps he had already stopped her from pushing in and that's why she was queing when the OP eventually found her?

FlamingJamie · 07/04/2011 16:14

I think we are pretty much agreed that the bloke should have spoken to the child more politely and pleasantly

Skinit · 07/04/2011 16:26

Well maybe she had been hassling? He was very wrong to call he pushy and to say the world doesn't revolve around her...but I dont blame him for not
giving up his childs turn....they might have not had long on it...

I would have said a kind word like "Aw sorry darling but this little girl is next...maybe you could have a quick slide?"

Fimbo · 07/04/2011 16:34

Is your dd the type of child who would keep asking for her turn etc? My friend's dd does it and quite frankly is a bit of a nightmare, she wants everything her way and goes on and on and on.

I do agree though that the man should have spoken more kindly to her.

brass · 07/04/2011 20:37

That's what I thought Worra - that they'd already had words before OP found her DD.

So when he had to speak to her again he was more abrupt. Most of what he said was ok and he didn't SHOUT he said it loud enough for people nearby to hear. That is different from shouting. The bit he shouldn't have said is 'the world doesn't revolve around you'.

But like someone else said, you had to be there to gauge it objectively.

PelvicFloorTrauma · 07/04/2011 20:52

The man sounds like an utter cunt. You are not being unreasonable and IGNORE anyone on here who tells you that you are.

onceamai · 07/04/2011 21:02

I've only read the first page but if children were queuing in front of your daughter wasn't it unreasonable to expect them to forego a turn so she could push in. Not sure that teaches any child fairness - the man could have handled it better but it sounds as though he was already dealing with a number of unsupervised children that weren't his.

MCos · 07/04/2011 21:36

What he did was reasonable - there was a kid infront of her. How he did it was not reasonable.

CurrySpice · 07/04/2011 21:49

I was with you all the way until you said your DD went to bed crying about it!!

magickcat · 08/04/2011 00:17

When I read how that man spoke to your dd, my first thought was 'what a tosser' and my second was 'his poor kids'.

Someone that is happy to speak so harshly to a small child they don't even know is unlikely to hold back when dealing with his own kids. He does NOT sound like a nice person at all and I'd be as annoyed about this as you are.

My dd was super sensitive at that age too, and would probably been just as upset about it. .. and yanbu he does sound like a bully. What a big man making a four year old girl cry... Hmm

worraliberty · 08/04/2011 00:22

To be fair, the OP would have no idea if he'd already had a convo with her regarding pushing in earlier.

And sometimes it doesn't take more than the drop of a hat to make some kids cry....especially if she was still crying at bedtime.

takethisonehereforastart · 08/04/2011 00:50

If someone shouted at me in an agressive way I think I would still feel unsettled about it at bedtime, especially if that person were physically much bigger, stronger and louder than me.

This little girl is four and a strange adult shouted at her. I'm not surprised that she cried about it at bedtime, it's not fair to assume that she cried because she didn't get her turn and is spoilt. She may well have cried because a man she doesn't know frightened her badly and was horrible to her and she is too young to understand why but is scared, in the way that young children can be, that he will 'get her' somehow or be at the park the next time she goes and will shout at her again.

The OP isn't complaining that her daughter didn't get a turn, she's upset at the way an adult spoke to her child.

We don't know what happened before the OP arrived at the swings, we don't know whose children had already had turns, whose were waiting, how pushy or well behaved the OP's child was or if this man and the other children were also leaving very soon and he was just a stressed out dad trying to cram in turns for them all before they left.

We do know that he was rude and agressively loud to a little girl who is just barely four years old.

There's no excuse for shouting like that at a little girl who hadn't harmed anyone and only wanted to play on the swing.

Morloth · 08/04/2011 04:28

Guy was a prick, he didn't need to let her queue jump, but he didn't need to ne nasty.

You speak to my kid like that and we are gonna have a problem.

No need to be mean, he could have said 'sorry, little one it is not your turn'. Same meaning without being a fucking knob.

MissMcGeek · 08/04/2011 08:36

I agreee completely that the man was a total knob, but you have to remember life isn't fair. I wouldn't be able to be late for work because i "just wanted a quick go on the swings" and my dad taught me that if you don't have the time you just don't get.

So although i see your point on the rudeness you also do need to teach your DD that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you want - especially if you don't have time to get it. All sounds a teeny bit PFB to me..

But yes the guy was an arsehole. At least she now knows that not everyone in life is nice, either.

brass · 08/04/2011 08:57

Op doesn't use the words shouting or aggressive. Some of you are reading more into it and making it more dramatic than it probably was.

ladymystikal · 08/04/2011 09:02

brass some kids are more senstive than others. my dd is. and i dont spoil her, thats her nature.

Kallista · 08/04/2011 09:28

YANBU. It seems very weird for an adult to 'tell off' a strange child in such an aggressive and personal manner when a quick 'no, sorry love' would have been enough. It's not like OP's DD was being naughty.
(I bet he's a nightmare to work with).

brass · 08/04/2011 09:29

I guess I'm picking up PFB vibes too in that she was still crying about it at bedtime. Was still talking about it in the morning.

Perhaps if it had been handled differently the child could have brushed it off having accepted the man wasn't very nice to speak to her like that. She may well encounter worse behaviour than that as she grows up. What will she do? Go completely to pieces every time?

I know with my children they take their cues from me. And I would describe my eldest as sensitive too.

It does sound awfully that some other dialogue had taken place before OP found her DD queuing up. I suspect he'd already had to tell her to wait her turn a few times hence his response 'well she's very pushy'.

Doesn't make it right how he handled it but there is obviously more to what happened than some random ogre belittling a child. Because to me that sounds a bit simplistic and he was there playing with his own children and aware of the others that were queuing up for their turn.

TheSkiingGardener · 08/04/2011 09:36

I can't believe some of the responses here! He was extremely rude and brusque to speak in that tone to a 4 year old who had asked a question. Especially as she had shown she had nice manners in the way she had behaved.

I'm sorry she is still upset, but some people are more sensitive than others, that is a fact of life. I would ask her how she feels about it and talk it through with her in her terms.

MrsFruitcake · 08/04/2011 09:37

YANBU. The man was wrong to speak to your DD like that. My DD was also very sensitive at that age and its entirely possible that she'd still have been upset about it at bedtime too.

People talk to children like crap every day though - a woman working in Tesco Metro felt she had to tell me 3 year old DS off yesterday - he was sitting on the metal part of the bag holder in the self-serve checkouts/ I'd already told him 3 times to get off while I was paying for our things, and she heard it all, but still said 'yes, get off you naughty boy'. I was [shocked] and told her not to talk to my child like that and she could see I was dealing with it, not ignoring the problem and to mind her own beeswax.

Some people are just shits.