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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playground bully - aged 45

134 replies

Belgrano · 07/04/2011 12:33

I'm a bit gobsmacked and can't see how this could be reasonable (from his point of view). I can't see why any adult would behave like this....
The story is-
Yesterday was a lovely sunny day in the park so me, DD (4yrs1mth) and DS (20 months) went there for the afternoon. Late on, about 5 30 pm I lost DD for a bit while i was changing DS' nappy. Not worried because it is a big busy playground with the play area safely fenced off, i went looking for her. Eventually I found her queieing for a 'big' swing - standing beside a man who was pushing a child. She said 'I can't come I am queueing Mummy'. Fair enough. i was impressed she was standing so nicely and queueing.

There were 2 others around 8 or 10 yrs old queuing on the other side of the 2 swings and both swings were in use. It looked as though all the 4 other kids there belonged with this man. I said 'Come on, 2 minutes more then we have to go' and she said in a panic to the man and his children 'I've only got 2 minutes, can't I pleeeeease have a go?!'.

In his shoes I would have got my child off to give another child a quick go if they had been waiting so nicely and patiently and had to leave shortly. However I would also understand if the man had just said nothing and carried on pushing his child (although secretly might have thought him a bit mean). But oh no! He instead said very loudly so that she was humiliated and I could easily hear across the playground, 'NO! You are in the queue. That little girl is in front of you. It's NOT your turn. The world doesn't revolve around you you know'
Shock Shock Shock
Not quite the happy, sharing, sunny vibe of the playpark a moment before!
She burst into noisy sobs. I gathered her up and rushed away telling her to ignore the mean man.
Later I went up to him and said 'My daughter is only just 4 you know. What you did then was unnecessary and humiliating for her and she was very upset'. His response? A shrug and 'Well she's VERY pushy' with his arms crossed. PUSHY? Can this word be applied to a girl who is almost still a toddler and was queuing nicely, albeit a bit desperate for her turn because she is only just 4????
Who's being unreasonable please? She went to bed crying about it, because the man's daughter also told her mean things like 'I don't care about you little girl'. And these were 'nice' middle class types in an expensive area...!!

OP posts:
princessparty · 07/04/2011 14:51

I am a bit surprised people think a 4 YO is incapable of being pushy! i know several very pushy small children.I don't really understand your post but it sounds as if as well as your DD there were another 2 kids queuing for a go.And perhaps the kids on the swings had been queuing a long time and only just got on.I do think you are being unreasonable your DD WAS being pushy and needs to learn to wait her turn.I have never heard kids in the playground asking others to get off so they can have a go!!

princessparty · 07/04/2011 14:51

And I think the fact that your DD is still in tears hours later does show she is a bit spoiled -sorry.

Original poster
Belgrano · 07/04/2011 14:53

spoiled? how so?

OP posts:
bemybebe · 07/04/2011 14:54

I agree with Joan "I would say to her, 'look there's never any harm in asking, because sometimes you might miss out by not doing so - and maybe sometimes it will pay off."

This was a brilliant opportunity for you to teach your little girl not to get upset with tossers of this world and take on her chin. Not in a bitter way but in a shrug of shoulders, onwards and upwards, i do not care Smile sort of way... You kid will be million times grateful for teaching her that valuable skill.

PaisleyLeaf · 07/04/2011 14:55

He will have been snippy because of having to mind a small child from getting hit by the swings and having no idea where her parent/carer was, or how much longer they were going to be. Maybe she was being a chatterbox maybe she was going on about her turn, maybe minding her and perhaps the other DCs hanging around him was spoiling his time with his DC and he'd just ("eventually") had enough. And it was said deliberately for you to hear because it was you he was pissed off with.
Like I say, he should've contained it. But he didn't.

ladymystikal · 07/04/2011 14:56

hi Belgrano dont listen to the posters who have written that your daughter should've gotten over it and she's over sensitive. better to be sensitive than insenstive i say.

brass · 07/04/2011 14:58

so it's better to be still crying about it at bedtime?

MerryMarigold · 07/04/2011 15:01

The fact she was upset about it doesn't mean she is spoilt at all. My ds1 is similar, he gets extremely upset when adults tell him off, even though he gets told off at home freuently (and loudly!). But he is very sensitive to others' emotions, and if he senses someone is angry with him, he is very upset about it.

Belgrano, I think it's good to teach your kids to be kind. And I do this, and was brought up doing this, always giving way to other people. But I think sometimes there is a boundary. Not saying the man was AT ALL reasonable, but just opening a discussion point that some of us sometimes teach our kids to always give way to other people and it's not necessarily a good thing.

PortBlackSandwitch · 07/04/2011 15:03

Can you imagine the post on here though from a different MNer who was the mother of the child in front of her - to the effect that a strange man let someone else child in front of hers....then put his own child back in the swing etc. etc.

Original poster
Belgrano · 07/04/2011 15:04

better or worse that's how she is. Sensitive I mean. I've played the whole thing down to her face. In fact as I said, once we left I have not mentioned it again. She told her dad this morning and I played it right down then. In a 'yeah yeah no big deal, anyway what shall we have for breakfast' sort of way. As did he.

Like I said, she's just sensitive to people and wants people to like her. Always has been like that.

Some kids are, and some have learning difficulties or other issues, which is why its generally nice to be pleasant to people and especially kids if you don't know them.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 07/04/2011 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlamingJamie · 07/04/2011 15:06

I agree with that too Merry Marigold. I was taught that other people's needs were more important than my own.

And sensitive does not mean spoiled. The man was insensitive and should bloody well know better. 4 year olds blurt out their desires all the time. Does not make them pushy. It makes them 4 and in need of gentle guidance not humiliation by some twat who'd had a bad day/is a bully

MerryMarigold · 07/04/2011 15:06

PortBlack, if you read the thread, you will understand that the OP didn't mind that her child wasn't given a turn. Simply that the man was very rude to her 4 year old, and upset her dd quite deeply.

MerryMarigold · 07/04/2011 15:11

That sums my ds1 up exactly. Sensitive to people and wants them to like him. His teacher doesn't seem to like him v much (he's a wriggler and she has a large class of 33). so he has been v sad at school since he started. I suppose they need to toughen up at some point and realise not everyone will like them, but watching this happen is excruciating Sad.

PortBlackSandwitch · 07/04/2011 15:13

"NO! You are in the queue. That little girl is in front of you. It's NOT your turn." He should have left it at that really. No need for the nasty 'world revolving' bit no matter how pushy she was (and i'm not suggesting she was, i wasn't there). He clearly does not know how to speak to small children.

JoanofArgos · 07/04/2011 15:17

well, y;know, mine haven't been 4 for a while, I don't know - I wasn't writing a script, just the message I would be wanting to get across!

upyourdiva · 07/04/2011 15:25

YANBU - The man was being an arse but as the parent of an over-sensitive 4YO I would say that if she is still upset about it hours later then you must've been dwelling on it more than you say because I find that DS can read my emotions a lot of the time and if I am angry or upset he will become upset too. The best way (I find) is to explain the situation again and ask him why it upset him and then explain to him that he did/did not do anything wrong and he just has to forget about it because it won't happen again.

Hope that made some sort of sense.

Ormirian · 07/04/2011 15:28

Not very nice. Poor kid Sad

But perhaps the other little girl was before her in the queue. A 4yr old doesn't automatically get to push in front of another child just because they are younger

LDNmummy · 07/04/2011 15:29

Godness me, I don't know if I should be shocked or not at people making excuses for this mans actions.

slhilly · 07/04/2011 15:30

PortBlackSandwitch Thu 07-Apr-11 15:13:52
"NO! You are in the queue. That little girl is in front of you. It's NOT your turn." He should have left it at that really. No need for the nasty 'world revolving' bit no matter how pushy she was (and i'm not suggesting she was, i wasn't there). He clearly does not know how to speak to small children.

Can't we find it in our hearts to be nice to other people's kids? And say something like "Oh sweetheart, I know you want to, but that little girl's also been waiting. Never mind, you'll have a chance on another day"?

InMyPrime · 07/04/2011 15:39

Oversensitive? Pushy? Spoilt? Er, she's four years old people not fourteen. And definitely not 45. She was just excited about getting a go on a swing, for god's sake. The man was obviously rude and out of line. No adult should talk to a small child like that, especially one they don't know. I'm not surprised your daughter is upset, OP. People saying otherwise should think back to when they were 4 - adults can be very intimidating and being shouted at by a strange adult in front of everyone, especially a man, is very upsetting, let alone being called names by him. If nothing else at least she now has a chance to learn the important lesson in life early on that some people are just downright mean and not worth stressing about.

worraliberty · 07/04/2011 15:48

This is one of those situations where I think 'you had to have been there'. Usually whether someone is pushy or not, is all in their manner and voice.

For an adult (who is used to dealing with children) to respond like that, your daughter may well have sounded brattish or pushy, but being as though you're her mum..perhaps you can't see that?

Then again, the guy could be a total knob...who knows?

FlamingJamie · 07/04/2011 15:50

worra - but you don't speak to a child you don't know like that

Firawla · 07/04/2011 15:56

'nice middle class people' tend to be worse for this imo! not always as nice as they like to make out.
yanbu the way he spoke to her was very OTT, if he didnt want to remove his child and another girl was queueing infront of her then it's one thing to not put her in the swing but those remarks are not necessary. It would have been easy just to placate her eg saying sorry you cant because this other person is waiting etc but next time you come you will get a go etc etc, or atleast just keep quiet and let you deal with it like that.

worraliberty · 07/04/2011 15:56

It depends on if they were being brattish Flaming

If for example (and I'm not saying this is what happened) the child said 'I've only got 2 minutes, can't I pleeeeease have a go?!'.....in a screamy/angry/ spoilt tone, then yes I absolutely would tell her the world didn't revolve around her.