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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to use the disabled toilet in this situation?

1004 replies

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 06/04/2011 12:50

I took mine and my sister's DCs for a nice day out to the cinema. There was just me and 4 kids aged between 3 and 5. After we bought our tickets I took them to the Ladies toilet, they were all engaged and there were a few people waiting.

I decided not to wait and took the DCs out to the disabled toilet as there was no one using or waiting for it. When we had all finished we were washing our hands when someone tried the door, one of the DCs had unlocked it and this woman in a wheelchair came in with her partner, I said I won't be a minute. She glared at me and muttered some things.

I was really embarrassed that I had been caught out using the disabled toilet and I wanted to apologise to the lady for keeping her waiting (for less than a minute!) but she was really, really angry. The DCs ran out in opposite directions and I quickly said sorry to the lady and as I walked off she screamed "Bitch!" at me. I never turned back to look at her. I don't think the DCs noticed anything!

I was so upset I couldn't get it out of my head throughout the film, and it ruined my day. I don't think what I did was that bad. I thought that woman was really horrible. AIBU?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 07/04/2011 11:14

YANBU, the disabled toilet is not just for people with a disability. It's extra wide etc to allow wheelshairs in and so on but it's not just for those people. If her problem was that she had to wait then she may just as likely have had to wait for another person with a disability.

DuelingFanjo · 07/04/2011 11:16

also - if i had a disability I would much rather they made all toilets into 'disabled toilets' so that people with a disability could have more choice.

Kadokage · 07/04/2011 11:17

Meliesmummy - re: spreading germs around: if OP had thought it through (and she admitted in later post that she hadn't thought through how they were all going to go to the loo) she might have brought along one of those mini hand held sterile soap bottles - esp handy if you're taking out 4 kids. I carry one of those around with me as a general rule anyway. Then she could have just rubbed some on the four pairs of hands outside the toilet block anyway.

Sorry, but making a disabled person wait a minute to use the loo while you finish washing four pairs of hands is just inconsiderate. I don't see how it's anything else. I don't say she shouldn't have used the disabled toilet when it was free. But when a disabled person then comes along and wants to use it, and you've finished your business and are just washing hands, you make way. Why wouldn't you?

CoffeeInTheMorning · 07/04/2011 11:22

Equality of accessibility does not mean people should be immune from waiting. The toilet is not for the sole use of disabled people - wishing or thinking that it should be, does not alter that fact. People using it are not being inconsiderate, they are using an otherwise empty toilet which is available for use.

Changing2011 · 07/04/2011 11:23

Equality of accessibility does not mean people should be immune from waiting

I agree.

theminder · 07/04/2011 11:25

There isno law stating that an able bodied person cannot use a disabled toilet. It is a toilet adapted so that a disabled person can use without poblems, It is still a public toilet! - Disabled or able bodied.

loonyrationalist · 07/04/2011 11:28

Very well said slightlymad

BunnyWunny · 07/04/2011 11:30

I just don't buy into this argument that all disabled people are about to wet or soil themselves by being made to wait a minute for a toilet.

1980Sport · 07/04/2011 11:32

Slightlymad - you have made me think again, v insightful.

Kadokage · 07/04/2011 11:34

CoffeeInTheMorning: I see your point but personally, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't feel right making a disabled person wait, on the principle that no person is immune to waiting, when there is another perfectly good basin to wash hands in outside. Just wouldn't sit well with me. I would have stopped what I was doing, gathered all the kids, ushered them back out to the ladies and finished the hand washing out there. I mean, esp if I already felt bad about 'being caught out' as OP said she did.

loonyrationalist · 07/04/2011 11:35

BunnyWunny have a little think about the time & effort involved for some disabled people to get tho the toilet - as well illustrated by slightly mad & others. Then you might just start to get it.

bemybebe · 07/04/2011 11:38

theminder I may surprise you of course, but it is not about the law. it is called common courtesy. hard concept to grasp, I know Wink

CoffeeInTheMorning · 07/04/2011 11:39

I believe that an accessible toilet is free to use by anyone who has the need if it is empty with no-one else waiting. If in the OP's situation, the door was tried and someone was waiting, I would probably have ushered the kids out to wash hands elsewhere, but I wouldn't feel "caught out". It would have been clear that the person waiting was in a hurry to use the toilet, but they don't have the right to exclusive use of it.

vintageteacups · 07/04/2011 11:45

Sorry, but making a disabled person wait a minute to use the loo while you finish washing four pairs of hands is just inconsiderate.

Making a disabled person wait? Sorry but how does being disabled always mean that you are incontinent???

Surely someone with a broken ankle will use the disabled loo but doesn't mean they can't wait for someone else to use the loo first.

vintageteacups · 07/04/2011 11:46

"Sorry, but making a disabled person wait a minute to use the loo while you finish washing four pairs of hands is just inconsiderate."

should have been in quotation marks as said by coffeeinthemorning

MosEisley · 07/04/2011 11:46

In response to the OP, YANBU to use the empty toilet when there was no-one else needing it.

The woman in the wheelchair was rude to you.

BUT I always think the world must be incredibly hard to navigate in a wheelchair and the sheer frustration of trying to do so must put a person in a foul mood sometimes. So maybe forgive her rudeness and move on?

vintageteacups · 07/04/2011 11:47

Whoops - sorry was Kadokage not coffee

MosEisley · 07/04/2011 11:48

Just read slightlymad's post... yes, that is what I mean by it must be incredibly hard and frustrating.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 07/04/2011 11:49

Hugely interesting and informative thread (not read it all as too long!)

slightlymad your post from the disabled woman's pov was eloquent and made me think.

When DD (now 2 and toilet trained) was a baby and needed her nappy changing and I also needed a wee, I confess to using the disabled loo as it was sometimes impossible to get the pram into the ladies loo. So often the baby change does not contain a loo (hooray for Asda, all stores do have a loo in the baby change).
Yes, I could have taken my baby out of her pram and held her to me whilst I weed but certainly in the early days I was not confident enough to do this without worrying I would drop her and I did not want to place her on the loo floor. For me, changing a tampon/towel does take 2 hands - call me a klutz.

In loos where I could, i would put the pram outside the door and leave the door open but often that is just not possible due to space and a queue of ladies facing the loo door!

So, it's a dilemma. I would certainly not use the disabled loo now DD uses the toilet. I am pg with No2 and I think this may make it a bit easier as DD can wait with the pram outside the loo door and keep me up to date of any lurkers (tongue in cheek - stranger danger is real but actually fairly unlikely) but I can't guarantee not to ever use the disabled when I have my newborn.

Also, many places I see now are saving space by combining baby change in the disabled loo. If I need to change the new baby, I am sorry but will have no choice but to use the disabled loo.

Good thread though - good debate.

vintageteacups · 07/04/2011 11:54

Yep - I have been to many public loos where the baby change table is in the disabled loo - proves the point that those loos are therefore for access; not purely for disabled people.

Blu · 07/04/2011 12:00

KungFuPanda - I am your mother now. It is pretty much the same, and that is exactly how it feels.

I agree that accessible toilet are simply ones that happen to be accessible, and as long as disabled people get priority for them, there is no great harm in using an empty toilet when there is a big queue.

But able-bodied people do not have the monopoly on rudeness and snapping when they have had enough. Disabled peple 'taken' out on outings are not sianted grateful victims who would never say boo to a goose, and siability does not somehow give someone s differnt personality. BUT disability can surely drive peple to the end of thier tether quickly due to the pressures and struggles encountered in every day life.

Bramshott · 07/04/2011 12:15

My take on it is this - of course it's sometimes easier to use the disabled toilet, and if you have a double buggy, upset stomach, several toddlers prone to bolting with you, it's probably a good option. But if a disabled person comes along needing to use the toilet, I would expect to be mortified and apologetic, and get out of their way as quickly as possible (as, to be fair, the OP seems to have done).

What I am Shock by is the entitlement voiced by some on this thread, who seem to feel that as a parent, they have a right to use the disabled toilet, and that everyone else just has to make way for them.

onagar · 07/04/2011 12:36

Okay see you all next month for the same thread :o

They are getting better though I've noticed. There are fewer each time who think that all disabled people are in a wheelchair, have bladder problems and are somehow 'better' than everyone else while all non disabled people are 100% healthy.

One good thing has come out of it this time. I have realised that I am disabled. I mean I always knew I was strictly speaking. I just never felt it was right to claim to be when there were people who couldn't walk, speak or hear.

So next time I'm out jogging I'll keep an eye out for non-disabled people using any of my toilets! :o

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 07/04/2011 12:46

800+ posts because someone used the wrong loo, which according to building regulations is the right loo?!! Jeez!

ladymystikal · 07/04/2011 14:30

YANBU
someone brought up a good point about if you're on your periods. im sorry but if you have a very young baby, im finding it hard to imagine taking out a tampon or changing a pad whilst holding a baby. and what if the baby is sleeping?? are you really going to wake them up? fair enough i understand that a toddler can come in, but mums who have 2 or more little ones must find it really hard,

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