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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to use the disabled toilet in this situation?

1004 replies

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 06/04/2011 12:50

I took mine and my sister's DCs for a nice day out to the cinema. There was just me and 4 kids aged between 3 and 5. After we bought our tickets I took them to the Ladies toilet, they were all engaged and there were a few people waiting.

I decided not to wait and took the DCs out to the disabled toilet as there was no one using or waiting for it. When we had all finished we were washing our hands when someone tried the door, one of the DCs had unlocked it and this woman in a wheelchair came in with her partner, I said I won't be a minute. She glared at me and muttered some things.

I was really embarrassed that I had been caught out using the disabled toilet and I wanted to apologise to the lady for keeping her waiting (for less than a minute!) but she was really, really angry. The DCs ran out in opposite directions and I quickly said sorry to the lady and as I walked off she screamed "Bitch!" at me. I never turned back to look at her. I don't think the DCs noticed anything!

I was so upset I couldn't get it out of my head throughout the film, and it ruined my day. I don't think what I did was that bad. I thought that woman was really horrible. AIBU?

OP posts:

BunnyWunny · 07/04/2011 10:18

Unlikely.

vintageteacups · 07/04/2011 10:19

computermouse back in the day when our mums didn't have disabled/larger loos the chance of your kids being whipped off by a weirdo was far less than it is today.

Society has changed so much in the last 30 years, that children aren't safe being left to their own devices/babies in prams being left outside the shop etc.

Perception of fear has also increased and it's not that we're being precious, just cautious.

bigbabushkas · 07/04/2011 10:20

I was only thinking as a mother before and agreeing on the OP's side, very insightful post slightlymad72. I will have a rethink, I have been guilty of using disabled toilets with my buggy before.

Pagwatch · 07/04/2011 10:27

Actually vintagecups fwiw that is completely false.

The rate of abduction by stranger is one of the most consistent. The chances are almost exactly the same as they were 40 years ago.

But I suspect that mothers are more fearful because they perceive the risk to be greater. But it actually isn't

everlong · 07/04/2011 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wonderingsilly · 07/04/2011 10:31

I'm always using the toilets for disabled toilets as I'm always bursting for a wee, I just make sure I'm fast !

BunnyWunny · 07/04/2011 10:34

My baby would have screamed the place down if left outside a toilet in her pram. I wouldn't allow that. Yes, I would rather risk inconveniencing a disabled person. My dd's needs are arguably just as important as theirs.

Shoesytwoesy · 07/04/2011 10:43

slightlymad72 very good post, but sadly getting people to look at it that way is impossible.

bigbabushkas · 07/04/2011 10:45

Agreement that there is no need for the language, especially in front of children, but I would argue that the UK is far more child/parent friendly than disabled?

Original poster

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 07/04/2011 10:48

I really don't believe that I inconvenienced anybody! I just had a wee! Maybe the scenario described by slightlymad is accurate and the lady walking in on me using the disabled toilet with 4 young children was the straw that broke the camel's back and she overreacted.

Or just as likely, she was a horrible woman who has no tolerance or understanding of other people even though she has a disability herself. I have worked with disabled people and taken them on outings so I do understand the difficulties they encounter, but I know that none of them would ever have behaved the way that woman did.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 07/04/2011 10:51

Bunnywunny . I would say that your dd is absoloutely as important as any disabled person.

But the idea of a baby screaming for the length of time it takes for you to take a piss being equivalent to say, an adult with a teenager who has profound disabilities and bowel problems, having to wait while you take a piss? Not sure that is the same tbh

Shoesytwoesy · 07/04/2011 10:51

"You are disabled by your environment (as all mothers are with pushchairs or kids)so you are not being unreasonable. She on the other hand!"

what an idiotic thing to say, but does some up a lot of posts on here.

Pagwatch · 07/04/2011 10:53

With respect doll dagga, working with disabled people gives you a smudge more insight than the man in the street. But fuck all compared to living with it.
At my sons school they teach staff day one never to compare working with disability to living with it. Because it is crass.
Because they are not even on the same page.

Blu · 07/04/2011 10:55

SlightlyMad - your account rings very true.

Let me add another layer, from our experiences at least 3 times:
They had wanted to see a particular film for a long time, but only 2 screens of the 5 at their local multiplex are accessible. They wait until their chosen film is being advertised as in the accessible cinema. They call ahead and double check. They book tickets. They arrive (after significant trouble parking, because all the on-street bays are full of cars 'hovering' while someone nips into a shop), only to be told that due to extra demand for the big children's feature 'their' film has actually been moved into a smaller upstairs screen which is not accessible. Not wanting to go home (again) they agree to see the film in the accessible space anyway....

BunnyWunny · 07/04/2011 10:56

So I should leave my baby, alone outside a toilet, screaming for her mum while a disabled toilet lies empty, Just in case, a mum with a disabeld child comes along in the meantime, (and considering they weren't there when I went in they have to wait all of about 30 seconds extra) ? Get real!

slightlymad72 · 07/04/2011 10:56

Agree with Pagwatch.

Its only when you live with disabilites do you understand it.

bemybebe · 07/04/2011 10:58

slightlymad72 good post!

Bramshott · 07/04/2011 10:59

No Bunny, you could take her out of the pram and into the toilet with you if she is not happy being left. It's not ideal, but it's perfectly possible to wee whilst holding a baby - I have done it many times.

Pagwatch · 07/04/2011 11:00

Get real?
Really?

vintageteacups · 07/04/2011 11:01

Taking a baby out and holding her isn't easy whilst changing a sanitary towel/tampon though is it bramshott?

BunnyWunny · 07/04/2011 11:05

Well more fool you Bramshot.

Changing2011 · 07/04/2011 11:06

I agree with the poster who said "disabled toilets" should be "accessible facilities for those with multiple waiting disorders/multiple small offspring affliction/queing aversion/Labour voters only/people with green eyes only/.......... yadda yadda yadda. Before long we will all have out own toilet at every shopping destination. It will be completely age/sex/disability neutral and highly ridiculous as society demands.

slightlymad72 · 07/04/2011 11:07

I have done the toilet bit with a toddler and a baby and I didn't need to use the disabled, I have done it with them both screaming as well.
You go to the loo, preferably the furthest away, you put the pram infront of the door and get the toddler to hold the handle and tell them in no uncertain terms they DO NOT move, you go into cubicle and leave door slightly ajar, if need be you can put your foot up against the door to prevent the door being swung open by the little darlings, you also talk to them whilst weeing, if you need to change sanitary ware you can do it and the kids don't see and neither does anyone else.

TandB · 07/04/2011 11:08

Why the bloody hell is Slightlymad's post "unlikely", Bunnywunny?

Unlikely. Really?

I had 14 operations on my foot to correct a serious congenital defect - first operation at 6 hours old, last one around 10 years old. I would estimate that I spent a couple of months a year in wheelchair over those 10 years. My mother used to cry at simple things like no wide parking space being available, or a disabled loo being out of order, or shoe-shopping or any of the million and one other things that simply don't impinge on the lives of most people. She didn't cry because she was spineless or unable to cope - she cried because every little thing was so bloody difficult that it didn't take much to push her over the edge.

Whenever I see someone being inconsiderate to those whose daily lives are that bit trickier than most of us, it makes me so sad and angry. Even if it is a pain in the backside, even if it takes a bit more time or planning, those of us without disabilities ALWAYS have choices about how we get around, where we use the toilet, where we park. Simple things like that. Someone in a wheelchair does not have those choices. They are dependant upon appropriate facilities being provided, upon their family or carer being able to get them to those facilities and, unfortunately, upon the rest of society acting with some compassion and courtesy.

But none of that matters because it is just so HARD to manage as an able-bodied parent in the world these days. There are no choices. No solutions. It's just one long daily struggle. So as you were I guess.

lateatwork · 07/04/2011 11:10

bunny yes you should....or leave the door ajar... or ask someone in the queue to keep watchful eye over child.. how long does it take you to wee anyway?? 2 mins crying isnt going to hurt your precious one... but 2 mins delay for someone in a chair could mean that they wee themselves and then have to deal with that embarrasment.

wholeheartedly agree with slightlymad72

OP YABU

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