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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 22:43

Just to add to the general debate, it sort of is just a piece of paper, but it meant "more" to me, in a warm fuzzy silly kind of way, really. Something deep inside me that I can't really put into mere words. I recognise that you can probably have that without the marriage bit. I think for me, because marriage exists (not my idea - I didn't make it up!) my brain focused on that as the "benchmark" or be-all-and-end-all end of the road far as you can go "thing" in a relationship. The rational side of me knows you can have everything that is in a relationship without that ceremony and ensuing bit of paper.

But in my romantic ideal fantasies happy ending stories it always ends in marriage and (this is even more Hmm children )

I guess I read too many fairytales as a child?

What if you can't have children?
What if you can't have marriage?

Hopefully it wouldn't actually be the be-all-and-end-all (I know with me it wouldnt' be - I know I could do life happily without these!) its just that because they exist, I can't forget they exist and not focus on them. So I did, and now I am married with children (among many, many other things)

HipHopopotomus · 05/04/2011 22:44

Because most of the married people I've known are now divorced. I don't hold marriage in very high regard

catnao · 05/04/2011 22:46

I am divorced. My marriage lasted two weeks. Beat that, if you're not a celeb - and tel me that my current decade and a half relationship, plus one kid and trying for next, is a less stable relationship.. I had the piece of paper first time...

pongonperdy · 05/04/2011 22:47

I dont get the comments from some saying they dont want to be a wife. Whats so bad about being a wife. It doesnt mean you are any less of an individual. I am not sure if i would want to commit to someone who didnt want to marry me.

catnao · 05/04/2011 22:48

See above - much more commited now. Will never marry again if I can help it.

Ceic · 05/04/2011 22:49

My grandmother was annoyed that my DS has my surname - "Oh you should have got married and then...". I told her that getting married wouldn't mean I changed my name! Oh how she humphed!

I'm finding this thread very interesting as a recent thread on why you should get married got me thinking about my own stance. This one has got me moving back to my original way. Grin

Marriage and commitment are not the same thing. You sort out your legal stuff either way but it still costs somehow.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:49

Tatty, that goes must go on too, logically.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:50

And also, amongst the high flying female folk, logically.

catnao · 05/04/2011 22:52

Miss Catnao must retire now - to go to share a bed and maybe be intimate with her significant other, Mr T, with whom she has co habited and shared parenting with, for more than a decade.

Must remember to commit some time soon...

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 05/04/2011 22:52

Oh for gods sake could we.all stop wanking on about the name thing. You can use ANY name it title (other than professional or honorary/ noble ones) REGARDLESS if marital status. Ms/Miss/Mrs/Mipmip whatever you like. You can keep your name when you get married. You can take your partners name without getting married. You can make up new name/swap names whatever you like whether or not you are married. You don't even need to do it by deed poll, though it might make things easier.

poopnscoop · 05/04/2011 22:55

My mother had two bad divorces but that never put me or my siblings off getting married, we are all happily married for many years. Just because mum's taste in men sucks doesn't mean mine does ;)

Ceic · 05/04/2011 22:55

Some don't want to be a wife because:

  • what's the fuss about being a wife all about?
  • it has a lot of baggage - historical and social
  • it can be used to be patronising, as in the "little wife" or the "wife acceptance factor"
  • due to previous relationships, any positive meaning to the word has been destroyed
  • it labels you wrongly, it doesn't "fit" you
  • and so on

I'm sure the list goes on.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:59

poop, my parents were unhappily married too and that has not dented my faith in marriage. It has however given a good instinct for sniffing out a relationship that won't work.

poopnscoop · 05/04/2011 23:00

Indeed blueshoes.

Mssoul · 05/04/2011 23:00

Not gonna get married to anyone ever. BECAUSE...... The commitment I make to my partner is for NOW and is dependent on the way he treats my children and me and whether he contributes fairly to our family, be that financially or in effort such as childcare, household maintainance and whether he is trustworthy and kind.

Many people find that shocking (inc my mother) but I'd rather be alone than with a man who doesn't do his share and treat us well. Marriage, in my opinion, is outdated and I don't need a man. My my first child has a perfectly good relationship with her Dad and I am not greedy or controlling about my kids. I spent 7 years as a single parent despite relatively wealthy exp wanting to own and control marry me. I am not motivated by having security provided and I can and do provide my own.

And my parents have a shit marriage which may influence my views Grin

catnao · 05/04/2011 23:02

As above. I have no desire to be married - find it weird that this is xconsidered weird|!

catnao · 05/04/2011 23:04

not xconsidered! Just considered! WHY would you want a piece of jewellery, a dress, and a man's name??

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 23:05
  1. sparkly
  2. pretty
  3. so everyone knows

At a guess.

BiscuitNibbler · 05/04/2011 23:06

A lot of people on here are saying that they'll be ok as they have sorted out wills, but that isn't always enough.

My DH's friend was critically ill for a long time and in a coma for most of that time before dying. His DP was stuck in a financial hellhole until he died.

If you don't get married you must make sure you have protected yourself for these sorts of eventualities, a will is no use until the person dies.

I didn't want a big wedding, didn't want to be centre of attention, didn't want to waste money. We went abroad and had a very cheap wedding, just the two of us. Best thing we ever did.

catnao · 05/04/2011 23:07

I got briefly married because it was desirable to mine and his parents. Lasted two weeks, Never attempted again, and sorted the legal stuff with my son's dad (my partner) as regards our child easily. Been with son's dad years. No wish to get married.

scottishmummy · 05/04/2011 23:07

have never wanted to be married
dont think is necessary
dont want to be wife
marriage is not an indicator of moral character or strength of relationship,so dont think it is precursor to stable life

Mssoul · 05/04/2011 23:07

Catnao - 2 weeks Shock Did you make it through the honeymoon?

I agree, not an achievement but I do accept that many people (inc my brothers) are very proud of being married and who they are married to. And I LOVE weddings Grin

catnao · 05/04/2011 23:08

We had a good holiday once when I flogged the meaningless rings...

catnao · 05/04/2011 23:09

We barely made it through the reception!!

Mssoul · 05/04/2011 23:12

Ah x post Catnao!

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