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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 22:23

I don't know anyone that still uses phrases like' having children outside marriage'

missedith01 · 05/04/2011 22:24

"If someone was really committed to you, they would marry you."

On the other hand, if they ask you several times and you say "no" and they still stick around, you can be pretty sure they like you for yourself Wink.

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:25

No sorry - you said that you don't know anyone in a senior position who has a child out of wedlock - I (logically I thought) assumed that you believed there is some sort of connection (otherwise why mention it?) Are you a vicar?

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 22:25

But it is not really a commitment as he can divorce you whenever he likes and although the CSA will calculate a measly amount that he has to pay you you can still end up in the * as a friend of mine is currrently experiencing.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:25

Gin, it is only to women's advantage to insist on high standards in their life partners for the sake of themselves and their dcs. Just read about some of the arseholes on the relationship boards and you wonder how women have one child with those nutters, let alone more. Perhaps a little observing would have served them well.

babybythesea · 05/04/2011 22:26

I got married mainly because my dh is from New Zealand - it was a choice between get married or have him deported! Sometimes wonder if deportation wouldn't have been the better option....!!

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 22:26

You said it blueshoes - in their life partners.

Not their spouses.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 22:27

The majority of those on the relationships board are married! Obviously not so efficient at screening.

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:27

time to step quietly away from blueshoes.......(oh - and for all of you suffering from domestic abuse or who's husbands/wives are cheating - perhaps you should all have observed a bit more closely before you got married...)

ValiumSoltera · 05/04/2011 22:27

At one point I wanted to marry my x and he didn't want to marry me. Then I came to my senses and I suppose as I was drawing away from him and he sensed that then he suddenly was the one who wanted to get married.

Also, even though I'd still like to get married one day (how optimistic of me) I would feel the pressure of keeping everybody happing, the two sets of friends and the two families meeting.. all potentially quite stressful. It wouldn't put me off having a wedding but I can imagine that it terrifies some people.

Flowerpotmummy · 05/04/2011 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:29

I am not a vicar. But the senior people in the organisations I work for are some of the highest flyers in the City. Coincidence, I suppose.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 05/04/2011 22:29

hmmm are these highflyers mostly male?

Mumbybumby · 05/04/2011 22:31

Just not that bothered.

We're committed to each other and our children and that's enough for us. Plus, my dad isn't alive to give me away and the idea of inviting DP's father and mother to be in the same place doesn't bear thinking about. (They're both nuts!) and it would have too much fallout if we did it and didn't invite them.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:31

Scarlett, for me, life partner is a marriage partner. Don't see your point.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:32

Highflyers are male and female, female being in the 20% minority that is typical in such institutions.

catnao · 05/04/2011 22:33

I don't want to get married. I have a child with my partner (aged 10 years) we have sorted all the legal stuff re: if I drop dead!

I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED!!

OK?

It would mean nothing to him. and hence nothing to me, although I have a Christian faith. He has none. No marriage here, and on current form, I expect our relationship to last.

itsalarf · 05/04/2011 22:33

I suppose I got married because I just wanted to. Simple as that really, and we did not wait years and years to do it either. It was very much the next step we both wanted. I come from an extended family and group of friends where divorce is still almost unheard of, so I suppose for me it made us feel like family, and each other's main priority (over other family relationships). I think if we had spent years together, and had children, we might have felt like this without marriage, but now we will never know!! The ease of legal arrangements has also crossed my mind.

Bratfink · 05/04/2011 22:35

Hang on why are there so many married people telling us why marriage is important on a thread asking why we aren't married

Get your own thread Mrs's

Mare11bp · 05/04/2011 22:35

Note to earlier posters - my reasons for not wishing to marry (see earlier post) are personal to me and not aimed at condemning those who choose to marry. I also have no concerns at all that my DP doesn't really want me deep down and I am just saying it to save face.

Even if the cute one out of McFly wanted to marry me (yeah right dream on) I would say thanks but no (I would offer to have his kids/set up a joint mortgage however!!!!)

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:36

Marry in haste, repent at leisure certainly holds true.

An excellent reason not to get married is if your partner is not good enough for you.

TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 22:39

Blueshoes, how do you know these high-flying males dont have children out of wedlock?

Are you 100% certain that none of them have mistresses hidden away and various "illegitimate" children swarming around? Hmm

(Used to be a high-flying city person myself - one of the 20% who were female)...

catnao · 05/04/2011 22:39

I am very anti any paternalism - even if I was co- erced into marriage to avoid all trhe legal stuff with the kids - I WOULD NEVER take his name. Not til he's willing to be "Master" someone after his early teens! Miss?? I don't think so!

catnao · 05/04/2011 22:40

Why should my marital status be there in my name??

catnao · 05/04/2011 22:43

Getting married is really not an achievement!