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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
Mssoul · 05/04/2011 23:13

Grin at least the rings served some purpose!

JarethTheGoblinKing · 05/04/2011 23:20

We are engaged, we intend to get married eventually. TTC #2 is more important at the moment.. I just don't get the need to have the huge party and spend half your annual salary

We'll probably save a couple of grand at some point, have a simple wedding and only invite the 10 people we really really want there. Of course, the John Lewis wedding list will take a hit, but so what.

LDNmummy · 06/04/2011 00:49

Wow Catnao! Two weeks Shock

Well, just goes to substantiate the point that marraige does not equal security in a relationship.

I will be keeping my name but adding DP's to it. He is too traditional to take mine in marraige although as I said earlier, our children will have both which he has no objections too but is rather very understanding about. I have chosen to take his name, it has not been pushed on me, but would never relinquish. But again this is because of the importance of name in someone's identity for me plus I don't see why I should change my name because we get married. I will still be LDN, just with Mrs instead of Miss. But saying that, I dont like the idea of the distinguishing factors of Miss and Mrs, have not done research into it though.

LDNmummy · 06/04/2011 00:51

"but would never relinquish my own"

Oh and DP would not argue with me if I chose not to take his name, he is equally as not fussed as me. I am doing it for legal reasons too.

LDNmummy · 06/04/2011 00:53

Oh and not to be all down on weddings too, but another thing I don't get is the spending excessive amounts of money on one day.

I would much rather have improvements made on my home and invest it in other fruitful projects TBH.

LadyFannyofBumStreet · 06/04/2011 02:27

~ If I wanted to be treated like sh*t, I'd get married~

As said by an OW in The Sopranos

Sums up my feelings towards marriage quite nicely.

Jogon · 06/04/2011 06:34

I have been married for most of my life, very, very happily and yes, it IS an achievement to have a good marriage, I think.

I am very happy to be a wife and Mrs Husband. I correct people if they refer to my " partner". I don't have a " partner" I have a husband.

I like the fact that we are legally bound and protected and I do believe that sometimes that piece of paper , those public vows can help people stick together and work through things.

As a SAHM I like the protection that a marriage gives me that being his girlfriend wouldn't.

I'm also a feminist.

Kiwiinkits · 06/04/2011 07:14

Hear hear Jogon

Yukana · 06/04/2011 08:07

We don't have the money to have the wedding we would like, simply put. And that isn't even a fancy wedding at that. We are engaged, but until we can afford it - it's not happening.

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 08:12

I wonder if being married makes women complacent about getting their life back once the kids are at school and a bit more independent. There are so many who never get back to who they were and I suppose the safety net of the piece of paper means there is no rush to resume a career and be a financial equal.Not everyone btw most women I know do resume their careers but many don't .Why don't these women insist their husbands take half the responsibility for childcare etc? I would never allow my own life to become second. Marriage doesn't protect you from that does it? There is nothing written in the vows to say a woman will not be sidelined wrt career once children come along

Amateurish · 06/04/2011 08:25

I like being together because we want to be rather than that we are legally compelled to be.

Parmallama · 06/04/2011 08:29

I think a LOT of people would love to get married to their partners but because they haven't been asked (or there's a lack of willingness on their partners side) they settle for being un-married.

Flowerpotmummy · 06/04/2011 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 08:43

The 'haven't been asked' is an old chestnut really that married people say when this question arises. If you are with someone and it is a dealbreaker that you have those assurances as laid down by the state and the other person deosn't want it there is a fundamental problem in the relationship. What about if people like me said Don't you feel confident enough that you could keep your partner and trust and rely on him without the piece of paper? I think the very thought of waiting to be asked makes me cringe.

Jogon · 06/04/2011 08:44

Noddy.
Second? Sidelined? really, oh dear! PMSL.

I never want to get back to who I was. I was a full time worker in a stressful job I disliked. Now I'm a full time non worker with a fantastic, wealthy and generous hubby.

Sorry to disappoint but I'm as far from a downtrodden wifey as you can get.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 06/04/2011 08:46

NoddyHolder - What safety net?

Jogon · 06/04/2011 08:50

That marriage offers a safety net that non marriage doesn't?

But I thought the argument was that they are both equal?

Noddy. I could never be a financial equal to DH. But he could never be my equal in other areas of our lives. Very traditional but has worked for us for over twenty years and lots of kids .

Flowerpotmummy · 06/04/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stubbornhubby · 06/04/2011 08:58

if you are the SAHP (which let's face it is very usually the woman) then you are very silly indeed not to get married.

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 09:03

I am pmsl at the wealthy generous husband.That is ok for a while but it is old fashioned and complacent. My dp has looked after me through illness twice and we are as committed as any married couple but I still want to know I am totally able to support myself and lifestyle in most circumstances. Wealthy generous husbands are not either in a divorce situation. I am 46 and several of my friends whose kids are grown up and leaving home have no idea what to do now and have no money of their own.BTW I am totally for parents doing the childcare until the children are at school but not partic the woman.I never said downtrodden I said complacent.

TandB · 06/04/2011 09:03

Very funny thread. I am torn between amused shock and grudging admiration for the poster who came right out and said that unmarried women are only unmarried because a man won't marry them. It is so often implied that it is almost refreshing for someone to be honest about it!

This is another classic example of the way many people feel the need to assert that their choices are superior by rubbishing other people's choices.

Your marriage is your business. Your relationship is your business. It doesn't make your marriage stronger or better or more admirable in the eyes of the world if you can establish that someone else is actually gagging to be married and cries every valentine's day when her partner doesn't propose!

If you are religious then I can sort of understand how you might hold views on the morality of children outside marriage - I don't agree with those views but I won't tell you you are wrong to hold them. But there are a lot of people who are desperate to show that marriage is just "better" generally and those who don't do it are sad and unloved. I always think this says more about the feelings and security of the person who is so keen to win the best relationship competition, than it does about the person who is being belittled.

Why is it so hard for some people to accept that what floats their boat, might make other people's toes curl? We never really made a conscious decision not to marry. We just never had that assumption that it was a natural part of our relationship. When others started butting their noses in on the subject we had a couple of conversations about it, but neither of use felt the need so we didn't bother. Neither of us are anti-marriage. If one of us particularly wanted to do it and felt really strongly about it then the other one would no doubt go along with it, because it isn't that big an issue for us. I am a lawyer. It costs us nothing to keep our legal affairs in order. I would always keep my own name as most female lawyers do after marriage. I am content for my son to have his father's surname and I don't feel that not sharing a name with my son negates our relationship in any way. It's just not a big thing for our family. If it is a big thing for some people then that is nice for them. It's just not for us. There is nothing missing from our relationship that we need marriage to fill - no emotions on the subject, no religious feelings, no family pressure, no legal issues. No point.

valiumredhead · 06/04/2011 09:03

We were very committed for 10 years.

Wanted to get a mortgage etc and have kids and it just seemed easier to pop along to the registary office and get hitched rather than go to the solicitors - we didn't buy new clothes and just had 2 witnesses, our neighbour and my sister, no parents or other family were invited.

We just looked on it as a fun day out :)

Both of us think it made a massive difference to our relationship - for the better, and we weren't expecting that at all. It DID make a difference even after being together for so long.

We both agree we have worked harder at our relationship as a result of being married, not so sure we would still be together 20 years on if we HADN'T married.

Really interesting thread.

Oh and after our very small wedding - we enjoyed it so much we wanted family to be involved as well so had a blessing in our garden with our neighbour who is a vicar and lots of friends and family. It was great Grin

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 09:07

Flowerpot it would be amazing if divorce didn't exist but there is a get out clause in marriage which often puts men at an advantage ime. You are protected to a point but women still suffer financially and rarely keep the life they were living before It is not the be all in safeguarding your future you need financial independence too.After all the man has it

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 09:13

I do think it works for some people from a religious point of view. I am not someone who would feel compelled to work at a relationship apart from day to day respect etc and making time for each other if it went tits up I would like to just walk away without the horror of divorce. One of my closest friends is going through this atm and it is a mess. She has taken a serious knock with all the change to where she lives, her income ,childcare etc. She does get money from the CSA based on his income which he has miraculously decreased since they split. I can understand if people feel religious reasons that is different but feeling honoured to have been picked shows a lack of self esteem that would worry me if such a person was left. If you so believe it is the be all of relationships were does it leave your self worth when it goes wrong and your faith in marriage?

Jogon · 06/04/2011 09:17

This is where we differ, noddy.

I don't want to be in a relationship that runs from day to day where I can just walk out at any time.

I want to be in a marriage which is for life and involves plans for the future together.

TBH, if I felt as you do, I wouldn't be married either.

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