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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 22:09

Though I do understand why you feel that way so am not judging too much.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 22:09

naming not in the same league. You can name your child what you like. You may adore the child's father and want to honour him in some way. Am not sure how a divorce constitutes dragging kids around. If my dp and I split I wouldn't be dragging anyone anywhere.

Ripeberry · 05/04/2011 22:10

What is each partner's legal standing if they are not married? If for example your partner died without a will, then you would not get anything as there is no such thing as 'common law wife/husband'.

Marriage is for the protection of the woman and children. If someone was really committed to you, they would marry you. But of course, men don't like the fact that marriage gives women legal rights over property.
And no, you don't have to spend thousands on it either.

LeQueen · 05/04/2011 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:12

LDN, of course some bastards do the whole chasing act. I'm aware of that. That is why it is necessary to observe very closely. Not just how they treat you, but also how they treat others. There should be no inconsistency or sudden flares that are out of character.

I binned many an ex-boyfriend either because they had character flaws or were not prepared to marry me. I did not waste time. Plenty of fish and lots of no-strings fun to be had in the meantime. But I would not bring children into that sort of relationship.

Dh and children are very special.

flippintired · 05/04/2011 22:12

I never wanted to get married because I had seen too many divorces.
It made a mockery of the whole thing.
Marriage didn't mean commitment it just meant it was harder to get away once the relationship had gone belly up.
I think having kids with someone is much more of commitment than marriage ever could be.

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:13

Ripeberry - my DP and I have a joint mortgage and are jointly on deeds of house, which will go to survivor. Same with our bank accounts, and named in insurance docs etc etc. When one of us dies the other will get everything.

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 22:13

My dp and children are just as special

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 22:14

You can sort all this with a lawyer. I personally wouldn't live in a house if my name wasn't on the deeds. It is very important to have financial independence so that you can always make choices from a position of strength. Some married men make the financial situation difficult after a split even with all this in place. If marriage was an effective screening device there would be no divorce!

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:14

Blueshoes - what if you did all the observing very closely (oh - and fell in love which is pretty important) and there was no inconsistency or sudden flares, and hte only thing was that the man didn't want to get married??

MikeRotch · 05/04/2011 22:15

I think names are hugely important.

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:15

yours is Grin

seeker · 05/04/2011 22:17

Grown up people make sure that their interests and those of their children are taken care of in the event of disaster.Getting married confers several legal rights that cohabiting couples don't have automatically. But which they can get simple and easliy, with or without the services of a solicitor.

It is not difficult or expensive or time consuming to do this. People who don't are stupid.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 22:18

I think the naming is no different whether you are married or not. My ds has both our names but mainly uses mine

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 22:18

Actually I don't care that getting married would give DP legal rights over my properties. Oh sorry, wait, you assumed it would be the other way around?

We have joint wills. Joint mortgage. LPAs. Parental Responsibility. Guardianship. Nominated on each others pensions and life insurances. Both named on all insurances and utilities. Seperate bank accounts and savings. Seperate incomes. Very much together but not in the least dependent.

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:19

usualsuspect, it works out for you. That's fantastic. Marriage is not the end all and be all. For me, it is my public seal of commitment to another person and to bringing up a family within that unit and reciprocal commitment from my dh.

I explained before a person has to be very careful who they marry and who they have children with. Marrying any old Joe Bloggs does not change a casual relationship into a long lasting one.

In my various workplaces, I don't actually know any person in senior position who had children outside of marriage. Don't know why that is.

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:20

One important lesson my (divorced) Mum taught me was never to be dependant on a man (or a woman for that matter)

Bratfink · 05/04/2011 22:20

MikeRoche We not only gave my son his fathers name but hs fathers fathers too Shock does that make me a doubly bad traitor?

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 22:21

I think names are important because they signify that child's identity and heritage, even culturally. For instance, DP and I are both West African but we are also both mixed heritage (me four different ways). Part of my family are Arabic so I am giving my children an Arabic and West African name. That way DP and I are both equally represented and our LO's who people will identify as being more African in appearance, will have that reminder that they have a history more than that. And that history will stem from me, also why they will have my last name as well as their fathers.

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:21

blueshoes - so having children outside marriage affects my career prospects????????? You're kidding right?

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:21

gin, if Mr perfect did not want to marry me, then there must be a reason why he could not commit to me in particular. That is not good enough - bin!

BoysAreLikeDogs · 05/04/2011 22:21

Marriage is a screening device?

Confused

or do you mean a proposal?

PatientGriselda · 05/04/2011 22:22

Ripeberry - it's not just that way round. I don't like the idea that marriage would give DP rights over my property!

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 22:23

(whispers) probably because you were doing this weird observing closely thing and have some very odd ideas about marriage.....

blueshoes · 05/04/2011 22:23

gin, you are reading too much into what I said. It would not occur to me that being married or not affects career prospects (unless you are a politician). It is just a coincidence maybe, in my conservative profession.