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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
BaggedandTagged · 06/04/2011 10:28

stubbornhubby is right. Contrary to popular belief, English law does not recognise common law relationships. You might as well be flat mates. IMO that is correct because, as this thread shows, some people don't get married because they don't want their relationship treated as equivalent of marriage.

Therefore what fabbychic said earlier about a woman/man being entitled to a share of a house they've financially contributed to if it's not in their name is completely wrong- as far as the law is concerned, they've been paying rent.

The other very important thing is "next of kin". Unless you've actually drawn up a legal document to that effect, your common law partner is not your next of kin. That means that you might not have control over (heaven forbid) critical medical treatment if your partner is incapacitated.

Basically, you can get around all this stuff with the help of a lawyer, but you need to be aware of all these little things, and when you've done it all, it might have been less hassle just to get married.

Becaroooo · 06/04/2011 10:28

hah! Hope not noddy

Becaroooo · 06/04/2011 10:32

Agree with B&T Dh and I have just got round to updating our wills and its amazing the stuff you have to think about, and the decisions you have to make (and pretty depressing too tbh)

Ephiny · 06/04/2011 10:40

I just don't see any need to get married, I really struggle to come up with a good reason to bother doing it.

I hear the argument about 'marriage protects women and children' quite often, but there are already laws about child maintenance etc that exist independently of marriage, and it seems a bit patronising to suggest that women need some special protection just because we're female.

I do think it's a sensible thing to do if one partner is planning to be a SAHP, but if you're both in paid work, and both have enough earnings/savings that you could live independently with no problems if you ever needed to (we both do) then I just don't see the point. I am not interested in what I could 'get' if DP was to die, obviously he would want his assets/money to go to any children we had if it were to happen while they were still young, but I'm pretty sure children would inherit anyway (if not he could write a will). If no dependent children I think he'd want everything to go to dog rescue charities (as would I) :)

Amateurish · 06/04/2011 10:45

All the legal ramifications of marriage can be obtained for a cohabiting couple if they wish. Wills - house deeds - pensions - life insurance. Unmarried fathers get parental reponsibility automatically and both parents have legal obligations to financially support their children in a relationship breakdown. So there is no "legal" advantage to getting married.

seeker · 06/04/2011 10:49

Apart from widow's benefit if he snuffs it. So decent life insurance is a must.

What I don"t understand is why so many people think other people should get married! I don't go round saying that people shouldn't.

Get married if you want to and if it makes you feel good. But don;t judge the relationships of thouse who don;t want to, or try to perusade them that they are somehow in "second class" relationships which can only be upgraded to first class on marriage.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 06/04/2011 11:00

Amateurish - Yes, but if you want those things it's just easier to get married.

Amateurish · 06/04/2011 11:06

I'm not so sure. In my experience, getting married seems to cost tens of thousands and take years of planning! Whereas getting the legailities of cohabitation sorted probably takes a day.

seeker · 06/04/2011 11:09

Easier? Really? Evfen the simplest weddeing seems to take years of preparation and huge amounts of angst!

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 06/04/2011 11:10

The simplest wedding costs £46.50 and takes about 20 minutes.

Amateurish · 06/04/2011 11:14

Back in the real world, you have to consider the wishes and feelings of two sets of families and parents and a quick 20 min registry office is often not possible.

Anyway, 20 min might be the event itself. Isn't there some sort of waiting period?

Ephiny · 06/04/2011 11:17

It's not always that simple though, there's a lot of emotional and cultural baggage and expectations that go along with marriage, especially involving family, if you have the kind of relatives who are likely to be offended by you getting married without having a 'proper' wedding and inviting them.

Of course you can ignore all the expectations and just do the bare minimum (I probably would do this) but it's not exactly easy to negotiate all the questions and objections. One thing about weddings is that everyone has an opinion and thinks it's their business, whereas they wouldn't dream of butting in if you were just getting some other legal documents drawn up.

Personally my preference if we wanted to do it at all, would be to just do it quietly not tell anyone we got married :) Though DP fears his family would find out and never forgive us...

minipie · 06/04/2011 11:20

Ephiny but you don't have to tell anyone you're getting married.

It's perfectly possible to just go down to the registry office and do it without telling family etc.

I know of two couples who are "secretly" married - both didn't want the family hassle/traditional associations of being married, but did want the legal benefits (esp as both their DPs are from abroad). They have never told their families.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 06/04/2011 11:21

Amateurish/Ephiny - If you just want the legal benefits there is no need for you to tell anyone. It is just cheaper than paying solicitors.

The 'baggage' around marriage only exists if you allow it to.

Yes you need to give 15 days notice - are you in a massive hurry or something?

Abcinthia · 06/04/2011 11:24

DP and me haven't gotten married for many reasons. Mainly because we don't even live together. He's at Uni and I'm living with my parents.

When we move in together, we might think about it. But honestly, it won't be that big a deal if we don't.

BaggedandTagged · 06/04/2011 11:37

Actually, I just thought of 2 things you can't get round with the help of a lawyer

  • capital gains tax
  • inheritance tax

The IHT thing only matters if you're rich (likely to die with assets worth more than £380k)

Capital gains is more useful because if you can freely transfer assets between the two of you without attracting CGT, you can max out both people's tax free allowance.

I promise you I am a romantic really Grin

JoanofArgos · 06/04/2011 11:43

because the Tories think I should Wink

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 11:43

this assumption that unmarried women are just hoping to be asked but the partner wont ask really is smug married thinking - every woman wants to be married just like me..

haha,sorry to pop your bubble, unmarried status is an active choice the majority of women i know are unmarried inc myself, and yes he asks and yes i always decline.

and i dont need marriage as sahm financial protection as i work and earn my own money. I am not dependent or in a position that if dp walked out the door i would have no source of income

naturally have been to solicitor and made sound financial provision for each other and dc in event of death, illness

seeker · 06/04/2011 11:48

Hear hear, scottishmummy!

Ephiny · 06/04/2011 11:51

I would definitely be in favour of a secret wedding, however as I said DP doesn't feel he could do this. That's part of what I mean about baggage etc, often people can't help but have these feelings, however irrational, when it comes to an institution with such emotional and cultural weight/significance. He just feels it would be wrong, and that the truth might come out and cause us all kinds of grief further down the line, and I can't stop him feeling the way he does. Whereas if we were getting some other contract/will drawn up, he wouldn't at all feel the need to inform his entire family.

It's not relevant to us as we don't need any of the legal arrangements anyway, but I can see how marriage is not such a simple solution in reality for many couples as it seems in theory.

stubbornhubby · 06/04/2011 11:54

I never cease to be amazed how many posters are very confused about the difference between

  • having a wedding
  • getting married.

which are very, very different things.

Parmallama · 06/04/2011 11:54

There have been many He won't marry me threads over the years. Bold:

Have there really Noddy?

So why ridicule my comment that some women don't get married because they haven't been asked? It's true...that's the reason for a lot of women.

Just because you are anti marriage...doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of couples who are happily married. My parents are and all my siblings are....who married out of choice. Why are you so condescending towards so many who've expressed their reasons for marriage? Are you just playing 'devils advocate' or do you get some sort of sick enjoyment out of ridiculing people from the anonymity of your computer?
Why are you unable to tolerate another's point of view without resorting to name-calling?

There are all sorts of reasons why some marry and some don't....horses for courses (as someone said).

Flowerpotmummy · 06/04/2011 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 11:59

face it on mn one can find any topic,doesn't make it objective fact or applicable to a majority.or are we to suppose,the huge volume of threads about posters dh being a twat/cock to which the response is usually "leave him" are in fact representative of marriage?

on mn can find posts supporting practically anything

Parmallama · 06/04/2011 11:59

Scottish - has anyone said that all un-married women are just hoping to be asked?

It was one reason (out of many reasons why some people are un-married). Because they haven't been asked...and/or their partner (either) are un-willing. That is fact, real life fact.....what is there to dispute?

and why the defensiveness?