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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
acumenin · 06/04/2011 12:02

Well, no assets, no point. And all that would happen if I married DP is they'd take any potential future assets/house for his care charges.

But also I don't much fancy participating in the oppression of others and only straight couples can get married, so, no thanks. I might go for civil partnership if that were extended to everyone. Really I'd rather we decoupled partnership from who you shag, so you could have 'one-stop' partnerships for any type of domestic arrangement, so including cohabiting but non-shagging groups, like siblings, long-term housemates, etc.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 06/04/2011 12:04

Not getting married but jumpinmg through hoops to get to the same position makes a much bigger deal of marriage than just getting married does.

It's not some magic spell that turns you into a submissive wifey.

TandB · 06/04/2011 12:04

Just to point out, not being married doesn't necessarily make you "anti-marriage" or mean that you have "issues with marriage".

You can think that something is not right for you without thinking that it is wrong per se. It's not an insult to married couples for other people to choose not to marry. Nobody else's choices can make yours any better or worse. They are just different choices.

candleshoe · 06/04/2011 12:04

[http://www.savvywoman.co.uk/c4-pages/c4s4.php?art_id=62]

An article explaining just how few rights you have (for eg. when your partner dies) if you are NOT married.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 12:06

if you want to marry- do so
if you dont want to marry- dont, but do go to solicitor and make adequate provision if you have joint mortgage etc

candleshoe · 06/04/2011 12:08

www.savvywoman.co.uk/c4-pages/c4s4.php?art_id=62

Does this link work now?

BrainSurgeon · 06/04/2011 12:12

Blimey you're getting me worried, I should do some reading about this.
I'm not fussed about getting married, was married before so got the T-shirt and now think it's overrated.... DP wants to get married at some point but we're in no rush whatsoever.
I always thought I'd be allright if something happened (like if we split up or he has an accident). I earn enough to be independent, I could look after myself and DS but I'm sure I'd be missing out on a thing or two as DP earns a LOT more than I do.
Hmmmm!

Lovesdogsandcats · 06/04/2011 12:15

Because marriage is not what it used to be.. ie had some meaning.
How many people do you know, who got married, promised all sorts at the altar (one of which is 'I promise to stick by you even when you are a dick') and then got divorced and said the same shit to the next one, (and sometimes the next one again).

To give you the short answer - cos its all a load of crap, thats why.

1717 · 06/04/2011 12:16

Becuase I don't desperatly WANT to and therefor I know it isn't for me. Whenever I think of marriage I think of the dress, which means I probably just want a nice frock and a party. Well I can do that without marriage.

Emotionally I feel more free without marriage (I think it makes my man work harder becaus I could walk if he really gets up my nose with no negative effects for me, see below for those of you who will say "what about the house, kiddy custody etc").

I love and trust dp, he loves and trusts me. We ain't going nowhere.

The other things like house ownership, division of money etc I can sort for myself with a good will and a confidence in my own ability to stand on my own two feet should it all go shit shaped. I earn just as much as him, the house is in my name, I have a rock solid will, life insurance etc etc.

These days I thinks that the ability to pre-empt disaster (death divorce separation) is as much down to good future planning as anything else.

I know my situation is a little unique as not eveyone can be in an egalitarian realtionship (moneywise) so appreciate that marriage is best for some and am happy to celebrate it as a good thing.

It is not for me though.

Parmallama · 06/04/2011 12:17

I agree Kung...I was un-married for several years and I was more than happy for my married friends and family members...because they were clearly happy to be in their situation.

TandB · 06/04/2011 12:19

Why is it that anyone who is unmarried who dares to disagree with a comment in favour of marriage accused of being "defensive"? It's been cast up twice on this thread and many times on other similar threads. People can disagree without it being defensiveness.

That implies that the unmarried poster in question is attacking the institution of marriage because they want to get married themselves. It's a lazy argument.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 12:25

Parmallama Wed 06-Apr-11 11:59:08
Scottish - has anyone said that all un-married women are just hoping to be asked?

yes- you actually

Parmallama Wed 06-Apr-11 08:29:51
I think a LOT of people would love to get married to their partners but because they haven't been asked (or there's a lack of willingness on their partners side) they settle for being un-married.

Parmallama Wed 06-Apr-11 11:54:30
So why ridicule my comment that some women don't get married because they haven't been asked? It's true...that's the reason for a lot of women.

Parmallama · 06/04/2011 12:27

No I said "a lot" NOT ALL............

and I stand by that.

That doesn't make me a "smug" married person...

PatientGriselda · 06/04/2011 12:29

Though don't forget, candleshoe, that some women positively don't want or need those rights, for one reason or another.

It's great that an effort is made to educate people who assume their relationship is the equivalent of marriage, legally and financially speaking. But plenty of people already know that, and have made choice accordingly.

Incidentally, there are plenty of rights you give up by being married, like freedom from liability for your partner's debt, for example.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 12:30

lol i knew you'd do the i said some not all-blah blah ,the sentiment is there and clear. why does it bother you so

and yes smiug married is the assumption that ones life and relationship is enhanced by marriage,and an un-married woman is earnestly waiting to be asked. and someone a poor comparison.

Flowerpotmummy · 06/04/2011 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 12:42

and conversely i have never wanted to be a wife.ever

Flowerpotmummy · 06/04/2011 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 12:46

if marriage has significance and meaning for one,thats great
but also for others it has no such significance,status or connotations

and that the rub- the choice,significance and meaning of marriage is different for everyone

i already have a name.i dont need same name as my partner. and our dc have both our surmanes

candleshoe · 06/04/2011 12:46

"I wouldn't want to be a 'girlfriend' forever. I'd want to be more than that." I totally agree - the status of 'wife' IS important - 'girlfriend' implies transience and I wouldn't feel valued as highly.

Amateurish · 06/04/2011 12:49

"girlfriend" or "wife" the label is unimportant. It's the relationship itself which is defining.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 12:51

if you attribute importance/significance to wife,then to you it will matter if married
and if you dont confer special status on being wife then it doesnt matter if unmarried

BrainSurgeon · 06/04/2011 12:51

Flowerpot I had a bit of a problem with my wows meaning something to me... I married the wrong guy (my entire family was gutted for me and begged me not to marry him, I was besotted and didn't listen)
When I finally realised what was going on, I suffered an enormous amount of guilt at the mere thought of ending it.
It was a relationship that was going to bring nothing but pain to everyone, but I felt soooooo guilty and I cried my eyes out for months and was destroyed because I had "promised" to be with him no matter what, and now I was breaking that promise. Nothing religious about it, it was just a commitment I made out of (blind irrational) love, that I realized I had to break.
It was ouch.

TandB · 06/04/2011 12:51

In what way is a wife more than a girlfriend?
Is she a better partner? Is she a better mother? Does she love her husband more? Does her earning potential increase? Does she suddenly get better at sex? Does she develop the ability to fly or read minds?

A wife is not better than a girlfriend - it is just a different way of doing the same things.

Louplet · 06/04/2011 12:52

I think it probably all depends on if marriage means anything to you personally. I never dreamed of a white wedding but then I met DH and we had DS1 and a while later he unexpectedly asked me to marry him. It felt like a huge deal and I was so happy to marry him and make those promises to him in front of friends, family and god. I do feel different being married, much more secure and part of a team - us against the world. I can't really explain it. I guess it helps that i know it means a lot to him too. We both know we are in it for life, through good times and bad (and there have already been some testing times due to serious illness). However, I can totally see that if marriage doesn't mean anything to you, then being married probably doesn't make much difference to how you feel or to how committed you are and that is fine too. Everyone is different.

BTW I am not a subservient little wife. I am the breadwinner in our house at the moment and DH is a SAHD looking after our 2 (soon to be 3) DCs as this is what works best right now. We are a team and this was a joint decision. It may well change round again in a couple more years.

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