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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
upyourdiva · 06/04/2011 09:18

DP and I have been together for 10 years in May, that is longer than any of my mums marriages have lasted.

We want to wait until we are older as even though we have a son and are commitetd to each other we feel that we are too young to enter into the big scary world of legal commitment. We know that nothing is certain for life and don't want to go down that route just yet because society thinks we should, we want to wait until WE are ready.

We got together at 14 and decided even back then that marriage was off the cards until we were in late 20's atleast.

DP is 25 and I am 24.

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 09:27

But jogon we have been together 20 years and are one of the only couples in our group of friends who still are. We do have long term plans I think most partnerships do but just because you work at something because you are married it doesn't guarantee a good outcome. One partner can just say its over regardless.You can work at any relationship.If there was no divorce and you had to make it work no matter what then it would have a different meaning but it doesn't

messylittlemonkey · 06/04/2011 09:34

Right, well, DP and I have been together almost 13 years, since our ealry twenties and have two DDs.

I don't 'get' why people DO get married.

For us, it's not a about being able to walk away easily (it would never be easy to walk away form a long term relationship with children).

We love each other and don't feel the need for a seal of approval in the form of a marriage certificate.

Our DDs have both mine and DP's surname, so it's clear that we are a family.

Lots of my friends have recently or are about to get married after several years with their DP - I find that quite odd.

Who says that marrige is the right thing and anything else is weird?

I also see it as a bit of an old fashioned thing too.

SanctiMoanyArse · 06/04/2011 09:38

I am amrried and like it but it's not for everyone

however as an oldie who remembers the YYorkie thread I do wish mroe people were aware of how the system works- widowed aprents benefit for example: only to widowws, at such a hard atge. losing your loved one? horrendous. being too broke to cover bills whilst awaiitng insurances etc? Even worse.

I think very few people are aware of these 'little bits'. If you are and still think no fair play but wotth a reccy and a ten minute no guest no fuss covers it.

SanctiMoanyArse · 06/04/2011 09:41

here . remember that we could not know the circs of any future bereavement dn whether we would be injured in an accidnet, or our child, and able to work.

I do wish there was an option of a civil partmership for Hetero couples.

I of course recognise I am a doom-monger but as mum to 2 (possibly plus) Sn kids I am very aware that odds do sometimes not work in your favour.

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 09:42

It is not about walking away easily for me either I am in this for as long as we both feel as we do hopefully and probably forever. But the thought of going through divorce is hideous to me I have seen it at close range and it is not pretty. A lot of men soon fiddle the books when it comes to adhering to the rules of separation I would hate that. i love my dp and ds more than anything and my mum and sister and all our mates say we are the happiest and most together couple they know. I am not sure who knows we are married or not amongst newer friends but I always cringe and correct if I am called wife. A lot of people also just never get round to it so that shows how unnecesary it is. I have seen a friend who isn't married split aswell and apart from her staying in the house initially I can't see any difference in the aftermath. The house was eventually sold and she is in rented and so is her ex h. The unmarried couple the woman had to move out with her dd straight away but both have had dealing with the CSA and seem about the same.

RamblingRosa · 06/04/2011 09:42

The question for me is really why would I get married?

I'm not religious.

I'm the home owner and higher earner so I don't feel marriage would benefit me in terms of protecting my financial security if we split up.

I've got insurance etc to ensure that DP and DD would be looked after if anything happened to me.

I can't see any good reason why I would want to get married. We live together. We love each other. We have a child. What more do we need?

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 09:45

This seems to make a difference if one partner dies. So if the woman dies does the man get any benefits? I think this is why more women should get back to an equal footing with their partner once teh kids are at school. It is no use saying well I can never match him earnings wise! What would you have done if you never met him and his salary? You would cope and many women do.

ginmakesitallok · 06/04/2011 09:50

Isn't a civil partnership for hetero couple just a registry office marriage?

stubbornhubby · 06/04/2011 09:52

some people are very confused abotu the legal implications of marriage. it's NOT 'just a bit of paper'

  • if you are a SAHM being married is what makes it POSSIBLE to walk away (for instance if you suffer DV) and to remain financially solvent when you do so as you will have 50% of the assets
  • if you are an unmarried SAHM, then you may effectively be a prisoner of your DH, in a position where all the asstets are his, and walking away will leave you with nothing, and subject to his goodwill.

Marriage is a protection, and freedom, for the SAHP. If you are contemplationg giving up work to be a SAHM, GET MARRIED. Don't discard lightly the protection that society offers you in that vulnerable position.

squidgy12 · 06/04/2011 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bonsoir · 06/04/2011 09:56

Marriage is just one form of legal contract regulating a couple relationship. There are others to choose from these days.

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 09:57

Stubborn the problem is women getting into a situation where all the assets are the mans full stop. A lot of people have no assets and 50% of nothing is nothing. House prices also mean that even with 50% of whatever equity there is getting another decent home is unlikely. You can do the legals re guardianship and money very easily.

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 09:58

Bonsoir what do unmarried couple isn france do wrt to the legalities?

Flowerpotmummy · 06/04/2011 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 10:01

I am not assuming that but that is what we are talking about here. You sound like you have a romantic view of marriage whereas I think its just a piece of paper which gives women a tiny bit of security if it ends.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2011 10:02

noddyholder - in France the range of choices is huge - different sorts of marriage contracts as well as the PACS. Huge range of possibilities for pre-nups too! Being a notaire (notary public), dealing in the legalities of family contracts (marriage, intergenerational) is endlessly fascinating and they end up very rich.

squidgy12 · 06/04/2011 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jogon · 06/04/2011 10:02

I agree Flowerpotmummy.

Dh has had a couple loads of girlfriends but only one wife.

Jogon · 06/04/2011 10:04

Noddy - that " tiny bit of security" can be a lifeline.

Becaroooo · 06/04/2011 10:05

Dh and I got married because we wanted to live together and have children one day and because we wanted to make a commitment to each other.

We made our vows in front of family and friends and before God and that meant a lot to us.

We have been together 16 years this year and will have been married for 12 years next month.

Bit bemused about why you would need to spend £10-20k on a wedding though Hmm I had a big church wedding (2 large families involved) and mine didnt cost anything like that!!!

If you dont want to get married, then dont, but I can understand why its so important to some people. I would be a bit Hmm if I lived with someone, had their children, was their wife in all but name but they wouldnt make that commitment tbh......I would wonder why. Easier to walk away maybe?

I know someone who lives with a guy, they have a 2 year old and he doesnt want to get married. She desperately wants to get married. What do you do? Sad

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 10:07

Had 'their' children be 'their' wife I think that is where the problem lies with me. Ds is our child and I am my own person in every way.

Thecatwhowalksbyherself · 06/04/2011 10:08

I want DP to stay with me because he wants to be there - not because he has a piece of paper telling him to.

He feels the same.

If he did decide to leave I don't want him to be entitled to half my stuff.

He feels the same.

I don't think I'd enjoy the wedding day itself.

He feels the same.

(We've been living together 12 years, share 'beneficial joint tenancy' of the house and 'parental responsibilty' of the children. Named on each others life insurance. Need to sort wills.)

Becaroooo · 06/04/2011 10:18

Erm...well they are his children (as well as mine) and I am his wife, not the wife of another man! (at least I dont think so.....Smile)

If a man (or woman) doesnt want to be with their spouse anymore I really dont think a marriage certificate would make them....I think the divorce stats prove that!!!

I am my own person too. Not sure why me being married and mother means I'm not??????? Hmm

I do not define myself by my marriage. I am married. I am also a mother of 2, a daughter, a sister, a daughter in law, a sister in law, an aunt, a friend, a voluntary worker and part time student.

I dont particularly feel defined by any of the above tbh.......its just part of who I am. part of, not the whole!

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 10:24

It sounds a bit like ownership which after all is was marriage was invented for! off to meet my dp for a late breakfast hope he's there and hasn't just wandered off into singledom Grin!