How can I tell everyone to shut up and find someother mug

[StaryNightSky]

Right sorry all but this is going to be the mother of all posts, but I have got to off load.

Dp and I have a dd he has had bonding issues and dd turned 3 over the weekend. But because she has health problems she still wakes in the night and comes into out bed for a cuddle. She is not a problem really and we have a super king size bed but like all 3 year olds she turns side was etc, and DP is constantly telling me in the morning how tired HE is as DD was kicking him deliberately in the night and he can´t sleep and has to punch her over to my side of the bed to stop her kicking him on purpose. BUT I know that dd is asleep on my side as most of the time she is either on my head (literally) or right up against me for a mummy cuddle. The only way I can hope to get some sleep is IF I turn around and sleep with my head at the bottom of the bed there by giving everyone else more room.

We run a 24/7 business and at the moment one of our clients is very ill, so the other night I was up at 11pm when dd woke up screaming for me, but I was outside with the client and unable to get to her, thinking that?s ok DP is upstairs in bed he can get her and I wll be up in a moment. Because the screaming didn´t stop I had to call the clients back in (Canine client) and go upstairs dd is soaking wet because she woke up to go the toilet and DP had left her in the hall whilst he went to the toilet so I had to change her and clean the floor with DP huffing about. Canine client then had to go back out every 30mins until 3.30am (he is on medication). This has been my life for the past 3years. DP does not do nights, I have epilepsy and need sleep but as I am not a foul, lazy human if I miss a few hours sleep every night I get on with it.

DP is currently sitting on the sofa as he has a bug whilst I run round with bags of cement and try to keep us up to date with the building work, cook tea, do my job, look after the clients etc. But when I am sick even if I try and rest all I get is ?I don´t know, can´t do it, your better than me? I never get the chance to sit on the sofa and recover so hence I have a raging chest infection since January. I am sure that I will come down with the same bug DP has in the next few days, he will be feeling better and I will render with a high fever because ?we can´t lose time, you can sleep tonight? and we are back to me getting up ever night with dd and not being able to sleep even if I am ill and I and so fed up.

The trouble is, DP has not bonded with dd, and dd has not bonded with DP so if she is ill (started nursery in sept last year) I am up with her, if I am ill and she is ill I?m still up with her. If she has an accident and the sheet need changing I am up with her and changing them. I Love me DD and would not change her for the world but I need help! I have asked by the way but dp say´s well I didn´t hear anything, or I wouldn?t know what to do, you are so much better at settling her (DUH that´s because for 1095 days I have settled her.

On the flip side of that if I am ever so tired that I don´t hear dd. DP will wake me up if she has started to cry!

My parents are constantly telling me to do this for them; Yes I meant telling me not asking me.

I feel like everyone wants? a piece of me and there is nothing left, so I AIBU to tell everyone to stuff if, and go and hide somewhere just to get a day of peace

she is 3?
what health issues does she have?
does he have big problem with this? not the dd he wanted?

your P needs ehlp.

you and Dd better offf without him - DD should not have to live with a parent who doesnt like her.

or did you mean something else by not bonding?

Well I was going to come on and say you poor thing. Which you are, but you need to get a bit of backbone and stand up to your dp. He is shirking his parental responsibilities and you are letting him away with it. You need to go away just even for a night and leave him and dd to it. Even if it is just a hotel a few minutes down the road. If you don't start now this will go on forever.

YANBU

I have copied and pasted this from my comments to someone else on another thread and am going to keep saying it till the message sinks in.

"There are only really 2 types of men that are worth living with.

The first is a very nice rich man who'se partner doesn't have to work unless she wants too and who is happy to pay for any additional help required in the house.

The second is a very nice ordinary man who'se partner does have to work but who does half of all the unpaid domestic chores to compensate for his partner working.

The worst type of man for any woman to get lumbered with is a man who not only doesn't earn enough money for his partner not to work, but won't do his share of the unpaid domestic chores either. Better to be single and get tax credits than be stuck with someone like this."

When you put 'punch' her over to your side, I hope it was typo and was meant to be push!

Sounds like you're right at the very end of your teather.
Tell your parents that you can't help them at the moment, you're ill, your DD is not settling at night and you're completely bushed. Tell them don't negotiate with them.
Your DP needs a reality check. can you point him in the direction of this post? You've articulated all that you're faced with very well. Perhaps he just doesn't want to hear you? I think its time to stop asking for help but now start telling him that you are exhausted, overworked, stretched to the limit and at breaking point. You're not asking for help, you're telling him the reality that he has to support you better.
Look again at how you share the workload - both with the business as well as running the home and childcare. Decide on something that's fair.

Tell him that from now on he is having sole charge of your DD on Saturday afternoons (for instance). It'll give him a better idea of what is involved with taking care of her, as well as giving them the chance to bond without you being in the room or at the park with them.
I think you've got to be very straight with him now, I get the feeling you've been a bit half hearted in asking for help. time to demand it.

I´m not after sympathy (beleive me) there is NO way I will leave dd with DP, he just can´t cope.

I had a great preg and a good labour but I was very ill after i gave birth Dr told DP to call my parents to come and say there good bye´s. I think he was litterally terrified and sub conciously blamed DD, and it has gone on from there.

He loves her, but can´t deal with her, play time is fine, but getting to sleep, calming down forget it.

DD has infintile asthma and hypoinsilinism. So she has a terrible cough if she picks up the smallest bug, and I have to watch her diet and blood sugar all the time. But we are getting there.

I just don´t know whaty to do most fo the time. I have no one to talk to about parenting as DP (this is going to soung horrible) wanted to do CC at 3 days old.

I jsut at the end of my tether.

And what exactly do you mean when you say he punches her over to your side of the bed?

You do need to grow a backbone and take control and that includes sorting out your dd's sleeping disturbance. Tackle that first because you'll be able to think more clearly once your getting a good nights sleep.

if you act like a doormat, people walk over you

leave the backdoor open for the dog to come and go as he pleases if safe to do so

hard luck they havent bonded, dad needs to deal with kid as and when necessary

Poor you. If YOU don't do something about it NOW, you will make yourself very ill.

I am a big believer is list making.

Column A - Everything that you're upset about
Column B - How each point can be resolved by you
Column C - How each point can be resolved by DP
Column D - How each point that can be resolved together

So, DD waking in the night, how about you deal with Sat - Tues and DP the rest of the week?

Bonding - trips to the park, painting, reading?

Chest - GP, antibiotics, inhaler

Deal with each item and hopefully it will get sorted.

Tell him that he has to start dealing with it before there is a serious breakdown in the relationship.

Oh dear god I'd walk off a cliff.

Your OH is really going to have to start bringing up his own daughter. 'Bonding' can just happen; but for some poeple it's repeated familiarity that causes a relationship and intimacy to develop. And that kind of bonding can therefore be learned. So tell him what he is going to be doing and when, with his daughter; and stick to it. Stand firm!

And get some sleep.

there is NO way I will leave dd with DP, he just can´t cope.

more fool you then, he will cope, no one is born knowing how to do things, we all have to learn through practice

Sorry did most definalt mean PUSH.

I am a strong minede women but feel into DV once before.

If anyone (adult) laid a hand on DD in anger than well, I am strong and I would in all honest have to pulled off of them.

Not such a smug. I like that!

OP - what's CC?

You need to get back in there and tear your P's head off. How DARE he leave his DD to wet herself and leave her in it?

That is neglect. It'd be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I absolutely second what NotSuch says. It's time for him to step up. NOW, not tomorrow NOW, this very second, or he'll be sleeping outside with the other Dogs.

Jesus christ, he is SUCH a waste of oxygen.

lving her isnt enough - he is the dad and he lives with you both.

if he has issues send him to counselling.

what if somehting happens to you?
who would look after her then?
not being morbid - jsut you said youhave epilepsy - so there may be hours/days when seomhting happens and you cannot be there.

he has to step up to caring for his DD.

you need to leave him in charge and trust him to do what's needed.

you cannot take it all on yourself .

and if literally he cannot cope you need a back up, somneone else you have trained. to give you a break.

if you prepared to accept that daddy is ony good at playing with her and nothing else. which is pretty much nonsense - he has to step up you ahve to leave him in charge and have him face up to it

talk to your health visitor. ask about parenting courses someone to talk to. maybe homestart volunteer .

CC - controlled crying

might be worth another try now she's three

Not sure what health issues your DD has but at 3 why wont she sleep in her own bed?

I understand why this bit is hard. I have a 2.5 yeard old son and every now and then he gets in our bed. I hate it, my wife hates it. He is a very annoying sleeper, moves all over and kicks all night.

If we were not firm with him then he would want to get in our bed everynight. Is this what your daughter is doing?

Apart from that your husband sounds a bit of a nob. May be its the lack of sleep but he needs to spend more time on his own with his daughter.

Seriously Please trust me he will not cope.

I don´t know what he would do, but I will not risk it (yes I mean risk)

He is a nice guy but not with my DD or my niece and nefew or any friends. you just don´t leave DP in charge ever!

Even a old family friend I knew him when I was 12 and then saw him again when I was 30 said please don´t leave DD with DP.

Please just trust me.

We have inhallers, we have consultants we have referals it just that any bug goes striaight there and then I have to wait for the fever to start to be able to get the antibiotics it´s not nice for DD but I live on more medication than most people take in a year.

I don't know about 'not bonded' but your partner seems to be totally disengaged from both you and his daughter. He sounds supremely self-centred and is just opting out completely, whether it's the business or your relationship or his role as a father. Has he always been like this? Did you generally run around after him pre-baby or was he more self-sufficient?

Sorry guys.

DD, sleeps in her won bed, 5 nights out of 7 but if she has a bad coughing fit or DV bug will end up in my bed from about 3.30 am normally.

She is a good little sleeper but if not breathing well needs the support of mummy. I think ti si to do with the same thing babies have and she needs to hear the breathing rythm as she ALWAYS right up against me.

She is a good litle girl but has a good will on her.

You're latest post sounds very worrying.
Is there anyone outside the home you can talk your situation over with? HV? Good friend?

No he was always like this (has got worse though) he lived at home untill he moved in with me.

In a lot of ways he is great but he just can seem to DO ANYTHING without being told, when, how, like this and it drives me insane.

Sorry can´t leave the dog, as he ia very ill and it is my business to look after him.

I have made provision in my will for DD to go to the god parents (if I am predeceased by my mum and dad)

seriously???????

i could not be with a man that i could not trust with my kids!!!!

OP I feel sorry for you I really do but i think now is the time for you to re-evaluate your whole situation. You've had some good advise here re list-making and tackling issues but this is nonsense about your DP not being left alone with your dd - what if you have another baby?

When your friend who has known your dp since he was 12 said not to leave him with dd did you ask why? Because I know if someone said that to me, I wouldn't just blindly do it, i'd ask them why they said it.

Sorry, my post of 15:31 was referring to your post of 15:26, to avoid confusion!

Think you seriously need to get on top of keeping your DD in her own bed. At the very least, this will help your sleep deprivation. Which will give you energy to tackle the other problems your're coping with.