How can I tell everyone to shut up and find someother mug

[StaryNightSky]

Right sorry all but this is going to be the mother of all posts, but I have got to off load.

Dp and I have a dd he has had bonding issues and dd turned 3 over the weekend. But because she has health problems she still wakes in the night and comes into out bed for a cuddle. She is not a problem really and we have a super king size bed but like all 3 year olds she turns side was etc, and DP is constantly telling me in the morning how tired HE is as DD was kicking him deliberately in the night and he can´t sleep and has to punch her over to my side of the bed to stop her kicking him on purpose. BUT I know that dd is asleep on my side as most of the time she is either on my head (literally) or right up against me for a mummy cuddle. The only way I can hope to get some sleep is IF I turn around and sleep with my head at the bottom of the bed there by giving everyone else more room.

We run a 24/7 business and at the moment one of our clients is very ill, so the other night I was up at 11pm when dd woke up screaming for me, but I was outside with the client and unable to get to her, thinking that?s ok DP is upstairs in bed he can get her and I wll be up in a moment. Because the screaming didn´t stop I had to call the clients back in (Canine client) and go upstairs dd is soaking wet because she woke up to go the toilet and DP had left her in the hall whilst he went to the toilet so I had to change her and clean the floor with DP huffing about. Canine client then had to go back out every 30mins until 3.30am (he is on medication). This has been my life for the past 3years. DP does not do nights, I have epilepsy and need sleep but as I am not a foul, lazy human if I miss a few hours sleep every night I get on with it.

DP is currently sitting on the sofa as he has a bug whilst I run round with bags of cement and try to keep us up to date with the building work, cook tea, do my job, look after the clients etc. But when I am sick even if I try and rest all I get is ?I don´t know, can´t do it, your better than me? I never get the chance to sit on the sofa and recover so hence I have a raging chest infection since January. I am sure that I will come down with the same bug DP has in the next few days, he will be feeling better and I will render with a high fever because ?we can´t lose time, you can sleep tonight? and we are back to me getting up ever night with dd and not being able to sleep even if I am ill and I and so fed up.

The trouble is, DP has not bonded with dd, and dd has not bonded with DP so if she is ill (started nursery in sept last year) I am up with her, if I am ill and she is ill I?m still up with her. If she has an accident and the sheet need changing I am up with her and changing them. I Love me DD and would not change her for the world but I need help! I have asked by the way but dp say´s well I didn´t hear anything, or I wouldn?t know what to do, you are so much better at settling her (DUH that´s because for 1095 days I have settled her.

On the flip side of that if I am ever so tired that I don´t hear dd. DP will wake me up if she has started to cry!

My parents are constantly telling me to do this for them; Yes I meant telling me not asking me.

I feel like everyone wants? a piece of me and there is nothing left, so I AIBU to tell everyone to stuff if, and go and hide somewhere just to get a day of peace

Uk is no possible as I am up to my ears in investments in over here.

When your DP worked for his mother, what did he do?

Your husband is obviously not too stupid if he wnet to uni and got a degree. I think that you have underlying issues of protecting your daughter and everyone else is bad.

mr spoc. thanks but hers a list of thing that DP as done and now tell me if I should trust him to look after her.

Left DD is bath aged 6months
Looked DD in lounge when 5 days old and went out for 10 mins
Left DD is High chair in kitchen at 2years old withstove on to go to toilet.

I could go but i really give up.

then leave him.

Do not go away for 2 days and leave your DD with him. From what you are saying it sounds like he might have an undiagnosed learning disability. If he was never properly supported or parented (restraining order!) it's no surprise that he's incapable and incredibly selfish. My FIL has an undiagnosed LD and MIL has effectively parented 5 DCs alone, and now 2 DGCs, with him being more a hindrance than a help - but in her culture she couldn't leave him/kick him out.

I wouldn't leave a small child with my FIL. He is full of love but has absolutely no idea of safety or appropriate behaviour. In fact lack of understanding of danger is an aspergers trait.

It doesn't sound like he needs to 'learn how to take care of her' it sounds like he probably can't - not without masses of support and time and patience, which the OP doesn't have.

OP - start planning to be a single parent. Is your business profitable? Really? Can you run it alone or afford to hire help? Your P sounds neither use nor ornament TBH - and a risk to your DD.

"Looked DD in lounge when 5 days old and went out for 10 mins"

Where were you then, when this happened?

Just to say that the op does seem to be completely genuine.

She clearly isn't a troll, and she hasn't been doing AIBU by stealth! Sometimes when you make an OP you don't put in every relevant scrap of info, either because you are too upset, didn't think it entirely relevant or there was just too much! If an OP was 2ft long the chances of anyone reading it would be virtually nill!

She is in a crappy situation and she does need help.

OP it sounds as though you can't see the wood for the trees and that you want to change things but don't know where to start.

Could your nice friend help you out just as someone to chat to? Can you talk to your daughter's godparents?

Firstly you need to sit down with DH and talk to him about family life. You say he has not bonded with your daughter but he seems to have very little chance to spend time with her. You need to think of some times/situations when you can let them be together to bond. Go to the park then you go get icecreams and leave them to play, go to the beech (ditto) you get the idea. Your DD needs to see your DH as someone she can turn to. Your DH needs to see that your DD needs him just as much as she needs you.

A poster on her had a good idea - start with giving your DH responsibility for getting breakfast - feeding himself and DD while you have a shower or similar and build from there. Try and get DD used to a little more independence - she seems very reliant on you.

You also said that when DD was born your DH was worried he might loose you - I think you need to sit with him and explain how close to loosing it you are, that you are at the end of your teather and that your health will suffer big time.

Could you also join a spanish equivalent of MN to get some local advice on support that is available and maybe meet some people you can be friends with in RL.

It is going to take a long time to get everything settled and working well - you are going to have to be quite brutal - with DH, DD and with yourself. I think you also need to come clean with your parents about how hard you are dinging things - let them know you need help.

Good luck I hope you manage to make at least a bit of a change.

Sorry if this oversteps the mark, but I have googled Aspergers for you, below is a list of some of the symptoms.

* Lucid speech before age 4 years; grammar and vocabulary are usually very good.
* Monotonous, rigid or unusually fast speech.
* Conversations revolve around self.
* Engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener's reactions.
* Unusual nonverbal communication, including lack of eye contact, few facial expressions, awkward body postures or odd gestures or tics.
* Poor coordination or clumsiness.
* Odd posture or rigid gait.
* Obsessing on one or two specific, narrow subjects, like sports statistics, train schedules, weather or snakes.
* I.Q.'s fall along the full spectrum, but many are in the above normal range in verbal ability and in the below average range in performance abilities.
* Many have dyslexia, writing problems, and difficulty with mathematics.
* Lack common sense.
* Concrete thinking (versus abstract).
* Odd forms of self-stimulatory behavior.
* Sensory problems appear not to be as dramatic as those with other forms of autism.
* Socially aware but displays inappropriate reciprocal interaction.
* Appearing not to understand, empathize with, or be sensitive to others' feelings.
* An inability to "read" other people or understanding humor.
* Often described as eccentric.

Some of the things you have described seem to fit in with some of the things listed.

It seems that you are so tired you can't think straight at the moment. You need to find some way of getting what you need in order to function, either from telling DH that he has to move out of the bed for a while, or getting your DD to sleep in her bed all the time. Is there any jobs during the day that you can put off for a while so your workload isn't as heavy?

Sorry is any of this is X posted, I can't type fast enough.

Do you run a B&B?

oh should have said - I think you may also need to speak with your GP about your husband - if he has aspergers or similar he will need help. You said he did not want to go to counselling but perhaps the GP has some other ideas.

could your mum/dad/siblings come over and give you a hand for a few weeks?

Are you Spanish or English? If you are English could you not leave him and go home to your own family?

Thanks guys.

No not a Bandb, but BB like. Kennels and Cattery. Think I have put too much info to remain anonmus in RL.
Eric Thanks that sounds like him!
Not So, I was at the doc´s

Will come back soon, DD home

I remember you posting before I think which is why i asked about the B&B. Did you say last time that you were sleeping in seperate beds?

Anyway, I can relate to some of this as I have a relation that can't be trusted with things as he is so dozy! When I tell people they find it hard to believe!

I wonder though if in your case your DH just needs a chance to learn and I wonder if you are giving him that chance? I understand you being upset about the bath thing as that is so dangerous. Id on't think the highchair is sooo bad as long as it was a quick dash and dc was strapped in, I've had to do that before.

Must say though that my relation isn't capable of learning (i've tried) as it goes in one ear and out of the other.

Stary, you asked in a past post "what can you do when you have no choice?". Honestly, you HAVE a choice. If you're breathing, moving and thinking you HAVE a choice. My son-in-law of 24 has just been paralysed in a tragic action, he has NO choice, you DO, please use your freedom of choice and be thankful

serajen That's so awful! What happened?! Poor lad

I haven't really got any advice, but just wanted to say like you are having a terrible time.

I don't see how you can 'make' another adult do something if they really don't want to, as other posters have suggested - not doing something until they give in and do it relies on them feeling badly enough about not helping out that they eventually do something. If he just doesn't get that, you can't force him (the fact he left your dd to wet herself and then didn't deal with the urine suggests he wouldn't step up if left in sole charge). So the other way is to ask if he could help with one thing ('I would love it if tomorrow you could do a meal for dd') and then build up what he can do gradually.

One thing with Aspergers (as far as I remember) is liking a specific list - with lots of details.
I wonder if you could get him to help out by starting with small things and being really specific about how they are to be done.
So, if you would like him to get dd dressed one day, tell him the night before, tell him the time it is to be done, remind him that morning, lay out the clothes and tell him the order to put them on her. Do it again the next day but leave out some of the detail.
Or if you want him to give her lunch, again tell him ahead of time, tell him what time she needs to eat and what time he needs to start getting it ready, what she will be eating and how to fix the meal.

It sounds like a lot of work but might pay off if it means he can help out with your dd. Obviously I don't know him and he might not need this level of detail, but still need some help with working out what he needs to do.
The thing that worries me is that he doesn't seem to have any common sense which will make it hard to trust him with your dd. But he might be able to help with her more while you are in the background doing other things. It isn't the way I'd like to live so I have lots of sympathy for you, but if you can't leave him then it might be a way of getting his help.

He will never learn unless he is made to give it a go. So you need to push him to do some of the caring, while staying in the house if you are really concerned about him ballsing it up. Going down to resettle her at night some of the time, for instance - the 'you're so much better at it' excuse is because you always do it, as you said yourself!

If you are really afraid that he can't cope with these things, EVEN given the opportunity and if pushed to learn and given time to improve, then IMHO you should seriously think about whether you want to look after 2 children single handed, as that is pretty much your situation.

Nothing is insurmountable.

You know what you need to do - it sounds like you are making a list of reasons why you can't do it. The way I see it you have two choices:

1. Make your husband leave and go it alone.
2. If you love him too much to do that (and I'm not sure if you do), then he needs to address his mental health issues and become part of the family.

Don't be a martyr. You only have one life (as does your DD). Don't waste it being unhappy

Your posts read as though your dp is the most important person in the house. Every time you find a possible solution, eg him sleeping in dd's bed, it goes out of the window because dp doesn't want to.

I have 2 children who are on the autistic spectrum, and my dh almost certainly is too. There are things that they don't like doing and to a certain extent I will make allowances for that but some things are just plain non-negotiable.

If your dp is someone who needs routine and hates change then that's fine. As a father and partner he needs to be able to adapt or throw out the old routines and bring in the new ones. He's had three years now to adapt to life with a dd. "I don't want to" and "It's not my thing" just don't cut it as excuses. Even my 8 and 10yr-olds have learnt that.

If your dp is high-functioning enough to go to university, have a child etc then he's high-functioning enough to be able to understand that changes will happen in life. If he wants to cling to his single pre-child life then he can do that but needs to do it somewhere else and not in your home. He needs to make a choice before your health and your dd's safety is further compromised.

Good luck.

stop indulging him and get real about the situation. PlopPlop, a tragic work accident, thanks for asking