How can I tell everyone to shut up and find someother mug

[StaryNightSky]

Right sorry all but this is going to be the mother of all posts, but I have got to off load.

Dp and I have a dd he has had bonding issues and dd turned 3 over the weekend. But because she has health problems she still wakes in the night and comes into out bed for a cuddle. She is not a problem really and we have a super king size bed but like all 3 year olds she turns side was etc, and DP is constantly telling me in the morning how tired HE is as DD was kicking him deliberately in the night and he can´t sleep and has to punch her over to my side of the bed to stop her kicking him on purpose. BUT I know that dd is asleep on my side as most of the time she is either on my head (literally) or right up against me for a mummy cuddle. The only way I can hope to get some sleep is IF I turn around and sleep with my head at the bottom of the bed there by giving everyone else more room.

We run a 24/7 business and at the moment one of our clients is very ill, so the other night I was up at 11pm when dd woke up screaming for me, but I was outside with the client and unable to get to her, thinking that?s ok DP is upstairs in bed he can get her and I wll be up in a moment. Because the screaming didn´t stop I had to call the clients back in (Canine client) and go upstairs dd is soaking wet because she woke up to go the toilet and DP had left her in the hall whilst he went to the toilet so I had to change her and clean the floor with DP huffing about. Canine client then had to go back out every 30mins until 3.30am (he is on medication). This has been my life for the past 3years. DP does not do nights, I have epilepsy and need sleep but as I am not a foul, lazy human if I miss a few hours sleep every night I get on with it.

DP is currently sitting on the sofa as he has a bug whilst I run round with bags of cement and try to keep us up to date with the building work, cook tea, do my job, look after the clients etc. But when I am sick even if I try and rest all I get is ?I don´t know, can´t do it, your better than me? I never get the chance to sit on the sofa and recover so hence I have a raging chest infection since January. I am sure that I will come down with the same bug DP has in the next few days, he will be feeling better and I will render with a high fever because ?we can´t lose time, you can sleep tonight? and we are back to me getting up ever night with dd and not being able to sleep even if I am ill and I and so fed up.

The trouble is, DP has not bonded with dd, and dd has not bonded with DP so if she is ill (started nursery in sept last year) I am up with her, if I am ill and she is ill I?m still up with her. If she has an accident and the sheet need changing I am up with her and changing them. I Love me DD and would not change her for the world but I need help! I have asked by the way but dp say´s well I didn´t hear anything, or I wouldn?t know what to do, you are so much better at settling her (DUH that´s because for 1095 days I have settled her.

On the flip side of that if I am ever so tired that I don´t hear dd. DP will wake me up if she has started to cry!

My parents are constantly telling me to do this for them; Yes I meant telling me not asking me.

I feel like everyone wants? a piece of me and there is nothing left, so I AIBU to tell everyone to stuff if, and go and hide somewhere just to get a day of peace

Gosh OP, yes things are in a mess

It sounds like your husband is somewhere on the autism spectrum - in which case, no, you can't leave your dd with him. A friend of mine has autistic/aspergers children and they all have very good degrees; also all work for the family business as they wouldn't be able to function anywhere else in business.

You don't sound controlling OP, it sounds like you have got used to looking after everybody and perhaps believe that is your role in life. You could be codependent and perhaps you could look that up and find a support group to learn how to set some boundaries to live your life, not everybody else's. re: you chose to marry a man who is no more than a child and can't do even the basics for himself, let alone for anyone else. You look after dogs etc (ok, you don't have to be codependent to do this but it's another thing you 'look after'). You look after your parents - they demand you do but you still do. Now you are looking after a sick child - not your choice OF COURSE but it is all a pattern of looking after people and not living your own life. You say you don't know who you are any more - well, no, you are not living your life but other people's, to the point that you have not made any friends of your own.

I would be very concerned if I lived in close proximity to someone who had tried to kill me and my child and would seriously think of moving away - a restraining order is only so effective. I think you may need to take a break from the war zone for a month or so to take stock, get some legal, practical and personal advice and think about the future, about how you can change the situation you are in. I would get properly 'away' and, wherever you go, make it a private condition that you won't liaise with anyone who isn't supportive, cutting out anyone who pulls you down and makes demands on you. You say you have investments in spain but sometimes surviving is more important than money and, although it's galling to have to put yourself at financial risk, sometimes you have to run to save your life (literally, it seems, in your case).

I really do wish you well OP. You are obviously a very capable person but with a fatally kind streak. Time to take control and be kind to yourself, to look after yourself instead of looking after everybody else at your expense. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for dd.

i think he sounds resentful of your dd, there are other issues going on here, list idea inspired carat. maybe hes just used of you doing everything, i am a bit of a control freak, apparently ( i thought it was a complement) your OH needs to get his act together and may be you need to step back a little? good luck

serajen Gosh! Talk about life turned upside down!

he will not cope because YOU won't let him - simple!!

you need to back off & let others stand up & be counted, I agree, hard as it is YOU are the only person to blame for your current situation

the old saying give them an inch & they'll take a mile comes to mind,

I have been like you myself, so I do know how it is - & look back & could kick myself for been so stupid - I ended up very ill as a result

you might not realise it, but what you are doing is actually quite controlling behaviour, you insist others are putting on you & can't be trusted to do things right, but until you back off & let them, you are never going to know - yes they might not do it in the same way you do, & it might not be as perfect - but is anyone going to die?? I doubt it,

pushed into a corner your DP will step up to the mark & help your DD, even if they have not bonded - I doubt very much he is evil enough to let a Child come to any real harm?? - & in doing that he will at last be GIVEN A CHANCE TO BOND with her

& he's probably right about her kicking him in bed - my own DD used to do exactly that as she wanted me to herself & resented him being in his own bed at night, 3 year old DDs can be devious if it means getting their own way - but instead of taking her side, I saw it for what was & together DH & I sorted out getting her to stay in her own bed.

I don't doubt your DP is resentful & now not helping you - he's probably fed up & sees no end to it in the same way YOU do - you need to communicate with him & sort out a plan of action - starting off saying NO to your own Parents & anyone else would be a good start as well as putting DD in her own room & LEAVING her there - you need to find some back bone with DD too

Good Luck :)

yes, PlopPlop, am living in a parallel universe at the moment

Thanks Guys,

I am not codepent as such it is more that have spent my hole life as a carer.

I nursed my gran for 15years through chronic heart dease.

Mil does not live here (thank god) but has a holiday home, we are at the moment with the support of the police making a complaint to prevetn her entering the country (I LOVE living here the police portect childre like you woul dnot beleive)

I have helped my parents since I was a kid, and that is what I do, but I do try and put boundries up.

Like everyone in life no one is perfect.

Springdaf, Thanks you seems to have been watching me for years.

I just neve seem to find time for anything but everyone else.

Dp has no idea how to parent (but with parents like his I am not suprised)

I have plans in place with DP to run if I and DD need to, I will run if it comes to it, I would do anything to keep DD safe and that on this ocassion mean keeping me safe too.

I have had depression in the past and I keep feelling like I am looking back into the same blach hole, but keep trying to pull back.

I think the thing we need the most me, DP and DD is a holiday and a break and I just can´t see where we are going to managed it.

Thanks for all the opinions and advise.

Where is it you live?