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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I tell everyone to shut up and find someother mug

134 replies

StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:09

Right sorry all but this is going to be the mother of all posts, but I have got to off load.

Dp and I have a dd he has had bonding issues and dd turned 3 over the weekend. But because she has health problems she still wakes in the night and comes into out bed for a cuddle. She is not a problem really and we have a super king size bed but like all 3 year olds she turns side was etc, and DP is constantly telling me in the morning how tired HE is as DD was kicking him deliberately in the night and he can´t sleep and has to punch her over to my side of the bed to stop her kicking him on purpose. BUT I know that dd is asleep on my side as most of the time she is either on my head (literally) or right up against me for a mummy cuddle. The only way I can hope to get some sleep is IF I turn around and sleep with my head at the bottom of the bed there by giving everyone else more room.

We run a 24/7 business and at the moment one of our clients is very ill, so the other night I was up at 11pm when dd woke up screaming for me, but I was outside with the client and unable to get to her, thinking that?s ok DP is upstairs in bed he can get her and I wll be up in a moment. Because the screaming didn´t stop I had to call the clients back in (Canine client) and go upstairs dd is soaking wet because she woke up to go the toilet and DP had left her in the hall whilst he went to the toilet so I had to change her and clean the floor with DP huffing about. Canine client then had to go back out every 30mins until 3.30am (he is on medication). This has been my life for the past 3years. DP does not do nights, I have epilepsy and need sleep but as I am not a foul, lazy human if I miss a few hours sleep every night I get on with it.

DP is currently sitting on the sofa as he has a bug whilst I run round with bags of cement and try to keep us up to date with the building work, cook tea, do my job, look after the clients etc. But when I am sick even if I try and rest all I get is ?I don´t know, can´t do it, your better than me? I never get the chance to sit on the sofa and recover so hence I have a raging chest infection since January. I am sure that I will come down with the same bug DP has in the next few days, he will be feeling better and I will render with a high fever because ?we can´t lose time, you can sleep tonight? and we are back to me getting up ever night with dd and not being able to sleep even if I am ill and I and so fed up.

The trouble is, DP has not bonded with dd, and dd has not bonded with DP so if she is ill (started nursery in sept last year) I am up with her, if I am ill and she is ill I?m still up with her. If she has an accident and the sheet need changing I am up with her and changing them. I Love me DD and would not change her for the world but I need help! I have asked by the way but dp say´s well I didn´t hear anything, or I wouldn?t know what to do, you are so much better at settling her (DUH that´s because for 1095 days I have settled her.

On the flip side of that if I am ever so tired that I don´t hear dd. DP will wake me up if she has started to cry!

My parents are constantly telling me to do this for them; Yes I meant telling me not asking me.

I feel like everyone wants? a piece of me and there is nothing left, so I AIBU to tell everyone to stuff if, and go and hide somewhere just to get a day of peace

OP posts:
slightlymad72 · 05/04/2011 16:02

Stary is your DP capable of empathy? IMO I don't think he is intentionally being selfish I think he can't 'see' things from yours and DDs perspective.

puddingface · 05/04/2011 16:02

then that is how you start
get him to do breakfast
then lunch
then bath time
then bed time

slowly but he will get there in the end, how did you work out how to do it? thats right you just knew, and so will he

MrSpoc · 05/04/2011 16:03

i give up. you need to trust your partner. i bet you he would not see any hamr come to his daughter and may even supprise him.

Or if he is that bad then leave. it aint fair on your daughter.

stillbroody · 05/04/2011 16:03

You think leaving your DD with her father is endangering her?
Then why are you in a relationship with this man?

millie30 · 05/04/2011 16:05

Agree MrSpoc. You can't continue in this wa OP, you need to make a decision one way or the other. It's not fair on your daughter otherwise.

millie30 · 05/04/2011 16:05

in this way

Chil1234 · 05/04/2011 16:06

"Please tell me what to do."

If he doesn't think there's a problem, wouldn't entertain counselling, wouldn't see his GP (?) or hasn't listened to you when you explained that you needed help then you have very few options left. You cannot make someone behave in a particular way if they don't want to change, unless you're operating from a position of strength. Unfortuantely, that usually means setting some kind of ultimatum of the 'shape up or ship out' variety.

LineRunner · 05/04/2011 16:07

This is a piss take.

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 16:07

Seriously if I knew what DP FIL meant I would understand why he does not wnat any contact.
Mil treatend to kill me and DD, tried to run me over whilst DD was in her pram.

He would not hrut her, he just is not capable of supervising her safely. He would run through fire if he had to.

But know I don´t think i she capaple of empathy

OP posts:
Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 16:09

wish it was a piss take.

Try waling a couple of miles in my shoes.

Life is hell, and right now I hate it and the only thing that keeps me breathing in and out when I get up in the morning is my little girl.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 05/04/2011 16:10

So what have you decided to do?

millie30 · 05/04/2011 16:11

Can you not leave him in charge of DD whilst you are nearby but just in another room to start with? That way you could still be on hand if needed. I find it ridiculous to be honest that you have lived like this for 3 years, with a partner who you can't even trust with his own child.

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 16:12

right now this min. I have no bloodly idea.

I can see what most posters are saying but i just don´t know

OP posts:
Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 16:13

millie it was only DD birthday the other day that made me realise it has been 3 years!

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 05/04/2011 16:14

Whilst you allow this situation to continue you are putting his needs before your own and before your daughters needs.

She needs her mum to be happy, healthy and not a burnt out mess! You need to put her needs before anybody elses.

louloudia · 05/04/2011 16:15

presumably he hasnt just developed this personality overnight, he must have been like this since the day you met him

you do sound like you have to control every aspect, nothing is good enough unless you do it yourself. Partners of people like that often stop trying because whatever they do, nothing will be good enough. If he has mental problems, then surely these will have been documented through his school life and you would have noticed by now, so we will assume he is mentally capable.

Your choices are: work it out with him through counselling whatever to improve things; leave him; stay with things as they are

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 05/04/2011 16:16

Why don't you start by tacking your dd's sleep issue. Get the GP and the health visitor to assist you in anyway they can. I think that once this is sorted (and bear in mind it might take quite a while) and your getting better sleep, you'll be able to think a bit more clearly about your other problems.

Your MIL sounds awful - I feel sorry for you because there's no quick and easy solution.

KickArseQueen · 05/04/2011 16:17

Ok, read the whole thread.

You do need to take stock at this point. Lots of things have obviously come to a head.

1stly you need to find out what is wrong with your DH.

2ndly You need to decide whether running a dog business when you have a DH who is less than helpful, a sick dd, a lunatic MIL, a bad back and epilepsy that means you need your sleep is a good idea!

What did your DH do for a living before he worked for you?

He needs to pull his weight. You do sound like you are doing too much, just having the constant responsabilty is too much. You shouldn't have to have responsability for your dd and your dh!

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 16:17

lou

I am the least controlling person you could meet but I take your point.

I just don´t know who I am even, let alone what I should do about this god awlful mess

OP posts:
millie30 · 05/04/2011 16:18

It must be hard for you, I lived with my XP for 4 weeks after my DS was born and I was unable to trust him to be around him. Trying to keep my DS safe and constantly supervised for 4 weeks was bad enough, 3 years must be a nightmare!

I really do think though for your own sanity and also for your DD you need to make some decisions. You can't continue living like this.

LineRunner · 05/04/2011 16:19

OP lives in Spain apparently, where her MIL tried to run her and the 3 year-old over and kidnap her from nursery.

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 16:19

He worked for his mother, and befor that was a uni

Thanks for the nice reply, I am starting to think that my life really is not worth it, so thanks for find a way to put it nicely.

Got to go and work.

OP posts:
louloudia · 05/04/2011 16:21

can you come back to the UK

do you have parents here who will support you?

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 16:22

Line runner look at my past post would you.

Also if you pm me I will send you a copy of the court documents and restraining order and SS report on Nursery security becuase of a fmail threat.

But I suspect you would much rather judge me, I have people that spit on me in the street becuase me MIL has told then that I will not let DD see her.

I had people ring me up because MIl talk advert out asking for people to take pics of my DD.

So to be honest I don t give a dam if you beleive me or not. Becuase I have had to fight like to get my family to beleive me. It was not untill they say it that they beleive it.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 05/04/2011 16:22

sorry Stary but you do sound very xontrolling. So your husband will jump into a fire to save his daughter but lacks common sense. Let your grip go, stop worrying and let him be a dad.

I bet that things will soon change.

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