Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I tell everyone to shut up and find someother mug

134 replies

StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:09

Right sorry all but this is going to be the mother of all posts, but I have got to off load.

Dp and I have a dd he has had bonding issues and dd turned 3 over the weekend. But because she has health problems she still wakes in the night and comes into out bed for a cuddle. She is not a problem really and we have a super king size bed but like all 3 year olds she turns side was etc, and DP is constantly telling me in the morning how tired HE is as DD was kicking him deliberately in the night and he can´t sleep and has to punch her over to my side of the bed to stop her kicking him on purpose. BUT I know that dd is asleep on my side as most of the time she is either on my head (literally) or right up against me for a mummy cuddle. The only way I can hope to get some sleep is IF I turn around and sleep with my head at the bottom of the bed there by giving everyone else more room.

We run a 24/7 business and at the moment one of our clients is very ill, so the other night I was up at 11pm when dd woke up screaming for me, but I was outside with the client and unable to get to her, thinking that?s ok DP is upstairs in bed he can get her and I wll be up in a moment. Because the screaming didn´t stop I had to call the clients back in (Canine client) and go upstairs dd is soaking wet because she woke up to go the toilet and DP had left her in the hall whilst he went to the toilet so I had to change her and clean the floor with DP huffing about. Canine client then had to go back out every 30mins until 3.30am (he is on medication). This has been my life for the past 3years. DP does not do nights, I have epilepsy and need sleep but as I am not a foul, lazy human if I miss a few hours sleep every night I get on with it.

DP is currently sitting on the sofa as he has a bug whilst I run round with bags of cement and try to keep us up to date with the building work, cook tea, do my job, look after the clients etc. But when I am sick even if I try and rest all I get is ?I don´t know, can´t do it, your better than me? I never get the chance to sit on the sofa and recover so hence I have a raging chest infection since January. I am sure that I will come down with the same bug DP has in the next few days, he will be feeling better and I will render with a high fever because ?we can´t lose time, you can sleep tonight? and we are back to me getting up ever night with dd and not being able to sleep even if I am ill and I and so fed up.

The trouble is, DP has not bonded with dd, and dd has not bonded with DP so if she is ill (started nursery in sept last year) I am up with her, if I am ill and she is ill I?m still up with her. If she has an accident and the sheet need changing I am up with her and changing them. I Love me DD and would not change her for the world but I need help! I have asked by the way but dp say´s well I didn´t hear anything, or I wouldn?t know what to do, you are so much better at settling her (DUH that´s because for 1095 days I have settled her.

On the flip side of that if I am ever so tired that I don´t hear dd. DP will wake me up if she has started to cry!

My parents are constantly telling me to do this for them; Yes I meant telling me not asking me.

I feel like everyone wants? a piece of me and there is nothing left, so I AIBU to tell everyone to stuff if, and go and hide somewhere just to get a day of peace

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 05/04/2011 15:50

So a bloke you never saw for years told you never to let his kids alone with your partner and now you say that you never realised how your partner would be? this does not add up.

So your husband has a mental age of 7? why did you get with him?

I seriously think that you put a barrier between youtr daughter and husband. You realy need to trust him.

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:50

But "he needed to go to the toilet" I have had enough of the selfishness but I jsut don´t know what to do!

OP posts:
pink4ever · 05/04/2011 15:51

Are you having a laugh?! Your dp is a lazy fecking arse and you are enabling him to be one with all this nonsense about "bonding"!. Wake up women-either tell him to leave or have serious words with him about behaving like a proper father to your dd.

LineRunner · 05/04/2011 15:52

So your partner has, what? Special needs? Asperger's?

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:52

Ok, STOP for a moment.

When DD was born DP had problems bonding.

The friend came to vist my parents when my DD was 11months old.

Being a big kid was lovely when all I had to do was work, and have a relationship. it is getting a bit tiresome now some 8 years on!

OP posts:
slightlymad72 · 05/04/2011 15:53

LineRunner, Aspergers is what is going through my head.

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:54

right fine, come on.

What the hell do I say, becuase I have beeng having this sort of conversation on and off for 3 years and my way is not working so how would other people go about telling him to shape up!

OP posts:
puddingface · 05/04/2011 15:54

have you spoke to his mother or father about his problems

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:55

strangly enough I kept wondering about aspergers. can´t deal with suddend changes of plans etc

But I am not sure what help if any that is going to be!

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 05/04/2011 15:55

sorry but you talk very badly about your husband.

He acts like he is seven. I bet he would never see any harm come to his child. You need to trust him more.

Also you can get a basic bank account even if you were made bankrupt so that was duff advice given.

millie30 · 05/04/2011 15:55

You need to get angry, as a mother, that he neglected your 3 year old child. You need to either insist that he starts pulling his weight and try to trust him or, if you can't, then reconsider your relationship. I couldn't live with someone who I didn't trust with my child. In fact I WAS in this situation and I left.

FabbyChic · 05/04/2011 15:56

YOu tell him he either shapes up or ships out.

Start behaving like a partner and a father or fuck off.

That is what you tell him.

Grow up and be responsible.

Shakirasma · 05/04/2011 15:56

I feel really sorry for your DD. You really need to either get rid of DPOr put your foot down and make and allow him to be a proper dad.

What do you think it will do to your DD growing up feeling like nothing but a liability to her own father? It could screw her head up for life!

Things must change, you must change and stop enabling him to act like a selfish childish brat.

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:56

DP, parents spilt when he was 5, loved he dad to bits.

due to her behivioaur we have a restaining order again DP Mum.

DP faterh come to vist when DD was 2 days old and left when she was 9 days old saying it was too difficult. DP father had not seen DP for 8 years.

OP posts:
puddingface · 05/04/2011 15:57

google the symptoms of aspergers and see if his problems sound like that
if it does then you need to see a GP
if not then he is being a lazy arse and needs kicked

pingu2209 · 05/04/2011 15:57

My honest advice is to go away for a long weekend leaving your dd and dp alone. This is not as a 'punishment' for your dp so he can experience your life. This is to force them to communicate without you being there.

I appreciate this will be really really hard as you have your own business. However, it is really sad that they are not bonding and this will be a way of allowing them to see how much they love each other really.

Journey · 05/04/2011 15:57

You need to sort out your DD's sleeping arrangements. She shouldn't be in your bed at that age even with health problems.

You say you won't leave your DD with your DP which sounds pathetic. He is an adult. Stop spoiling him. No wonder they aren't bonding.

Stop doing everything.

In one way I feel sorry for you and in another way I think get a backbone, and stop treating and accepting childish behaviour from him.

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:58

But I don´t know how.

Please tell me what to do. I don´t know how to make him be a dad!

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 05/04/2011 15:58

You have a restraining order against your MIL!!!!!!!!

Respect!!!!!!!

slightlymad72 · 05/04/2011 15:59

Stary have you had a look at the symptoms or Aspergers? I don't know of any links sorry, but if you google there is a lot on the internet. See if he matches the criteria, if so, it might give you a base to work from.

puddingface · 05/04/2011 15:59

do you think the problems with his own parents relationship with him has made his relationship with daughter strained?

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 15:59

I don´t car about Punishin DP but i wil not endanger my DD by leaving them unsurpvised untill he can do atleast the basics.

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 05/04/2011 16:00

So teach him the basics and do not take no for an answer. And if he does a crap job make him do it again!

Original poster
StaryNightSky · 05/04/2011 16:01

MIl, treatened to kill me and DD,

Last week tried to kidnap her from Nursery. I live in Spain thank GOD as they look all the doors at nursery and the police are great over child protection

OP posts:
pink4ever · 05/04/2011 16:02

Right am getting pissed off here with this aibu with stealth. Why do you have a restraining order against mil? what did fil mean by "its too hard?". Why did you choose to have a child with such a person?. You make him be a dad by simply leaving him to get on with it ffs!!(stop doing everything for dd,stop doing housework,outside work.cleaning up the dog shit Just stop.full stop!).