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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad I'll never experience labour and vaginal birth?

134 replies

Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:06

Have 3 beautiful DSs. All C-sections and have never been in labour. Would've tried for a VBAC with DS2 but had complete placenta previa along with other issues and there's less than a year between DS2&3 and rupture was a concern.

Did have a 'natural cesarean' with DS3 which was lovely (he was 'born' onto my tummy very slowly, no screens or anything, god bless the NHS).

But watching One Born Every Minute and reading birth stories makes me a bit sad. We've completed our family now (DH has had the snip), which I'm a bit weepy about anyway, but it seems like giving birth and labouring are such primal strong female things (in the good way) - really affirming and amazing, to birth a child so actively.

And I am a bit Envy! Even though I know you poo while you're pushing and stuff!

I appreciate so much that my children were delivered safely and that I didn't suffer any of the appalling birth traumas I've read about, but I just feel like it's an experience I'm the poorer for not having had.

AIBU? I know IAB silly...

OP posts:
ladysybil · 05/04/2011 00:07

yes, you are

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:08

thought so :/

OP posts:
EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 05/04/2011 00:08

I think I know just what you mean. I had a loooong labour with DD which culminated eventually in an epidural and forceps - so I 'missed' the really exciting bit. I felt slightly robbed, so I know where you are coming from.

Having said that, it sounds like the alternative would have been risky for you or your babies, and I can definitely confirm that hours on end of relentless pain is not the most fun I've had!

Dozer · 05/04/2011 00:10

YABU, move on!

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:11

Oh I'm not sitting here thinking that it looks fun. And I was very happy to have sections rather than risk anything (I could have insisted on trying labour etc with DS3 and didn't). I don't regret how my babies were born, because it got them here safely as you say - but I watch labouring women on OBEM and I'm just full of... admiration and there's this weird disconnected feeling. I reckon if I'd ever laboured (or even had a braxton hicks), I might feel differently.

It's just a weird sort of wistfulness. Not that I'd do anything differently, just... feel I maybe missed out.

OP posts:
zukiecat · 05/04/2011 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fortyplus · 05/04/2011 00:13

YABU - 2 vaginal births for me and whilst I'm glad I missed out on surgery i couldn't care less how my babies came in to the world.

Thingumy · 05/04/2011 00:13

Surely a woman's primal urge is to carry a child to full term and produce a live child

Vaginal birth is not all that..it's a way of expelling a child into the world,the same as a c section.

My vag births fucked up my body and I ended up with a hysterectomy in my 30's.

It ain't all that imo.

raffle · 05/04/2011 00:15

I had an emergency c section with DS and to be honest...I'm glad I did. No worry over weather I'll be as 'tight' as before, no stitches, no loose pelvic floor! I'm hoping to be offered elective c section with my next when it eventually bloody happens!

midlandsmumof4 · 05/04/2011 00:17

Yes you are......AIBU to have not experieced a C-section Biscuit.

SingingSands · 05/04/2011 00:18

I think you might be romanticising it a bit. It's bloody hard work, can be very frightening for some women, the only good bit is when it's all over!

BluddyMoFo · 05/04/2011 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:19

I'm not saying I feel inadequate for not having been in labour. I feel sad about it. But okay, sure, there are more important things to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:21

Singing oh I am totally romanticising. All my mum friends IRL have at least been in labour, one of them told me I hadn't really given birth 'cause I hadn't, that's probably what set me off.

I just kinda wish I'd ever been in labour. Even just so I'd know it was crap and I was lucky not to have done it!

OP posts:
Thingumy · 05/04/2011 00:22

yup your 3 children.

I can see the romantic notion of a 24 hour vaginal labour but seriously,it's not pleasant and it can scar mentally and physically forever.

zukiecat · 05/04/2011 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 05/04/2011 00:24

If it's any consolation to you, I had a friend whose first DC was born by emCS. She had a VBAC with the second and as soon as baby was out, she turned to her DH and said "Well, what's it to be, snip or clip because I'm NOT going through that again!"

She didn't have any more DC.

I understand you feel like you've missed out - but there are lots of physical experiences that I could quite happily live without experiencing and although I realise you are just being a bit wistful, I think you should just let it go as well.

I mean - having a mc is a peculiarly female experience as well - if you haven't had one of those, would you want to, just to know what it's like? I'm guessing not. Be happy that you have your 3 DC, even if they did come out without you stretching your vagina to buggery.

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:24

(I still have piles and a saggier vag, btw! Having the babies sit on your pelvic floor does a lot of 'damage' according to my m/w. Am def. not honeymoon fresh).

(and have a scar from hip to hip but accept that was unusual).

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 05/04/2011 00:26

Maku - tell your extremely stupid friend to fuck off with herself - what a bitch of a thing to say! Shock
Tell her that if you hadn't had the CS, you or the baby(s) might have died - so really you don;t give a rat's arse about her stupid prejudice and your 3 DC are adequate proof of you having borne them.

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:27

The m/c one is interesting because I had three m/c, all horrible in their own horrible ways and went through assisted conception and genetic testing, and then DS2 had issues - and that's a different sort of camraderie but it IS there, I have friends who have been through similar and it's bonding. Fucking shit, awful, wish it hadn't happened BUT in many ways it's made me a better person - certainly appreciate DH and the DCs more for having had such a hard time getting and staying pregnant.

I always imagined labour and vag birth as being somehow... bonding (between mum and baby) - something you work on together? God I am ridiculous, aren't I. I shouldn't watch OBEM!

OP posts:
madhattershouse · 05/04/2011 00:29

Grin blardy!! Nicely put!!

yonker · 05/04/2011 00:29

Sorry, but for me YABU. You have 3 lovely children, how they were delivered is irrelevant. I had a C-section and didn't want it either, but ultimately it doesn't matter. The birth is a moment in the lives of your children, carrying them for 9 months and what you do after is important - not the delivery. I can understand that you feel the wistfulness, I have felt like that myself sometimes but I can't imagine that seeing my son for the first time would have been any different however he came into the world. For me, you didn't miss out, you just gave birth in a different way

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:31

No need for a sorry yonker - I can accept IABU - I still do feel wistful sometimes but will kick myself in the perineum and tell myself to buck up in future ;)

OP posts:
buttonmooncup · 05/04/2011 00:31

YANBU to feel like you do Mak I have 2 friends who feel the same. They have both said to me that they don't feel as if they can say they have given birth and really wish they'd had a natural delivery. I've had 2 vaginal births and they weren't pleasant but I wouldn't fancy the major surgery/healing time of a cs either.

thumbwitch · 05/04/2011 00:32

I only have the one DS but I don't remember labour being bonding - I just remember being bloody glad it was all over! And I was lucky - only half an hour stage 2, after induction - seriously, it's not worth romanticising just because of a comment some stupid smugger made to you.
Drop her as a "friend" - she isn't one if she's managed to make you feel somehow inferior.