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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sad I'll never experience labour and vaginal birth?

134 replies

Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:06

Have 3 beautiful DSs. All C-sections and have never been in labour. Would've tried for a VBAC with DS2 but had complete placenta previa along with other issues and there's less than a year between DS2&3 and rupture was a concern.

Did have a 'natural cesarean' with DS3 which was lovely (he was 'born' onto my tummy very slowly, no screens or anything, god bless the NHS).

But watching One Born Every Minute and reading birth stories makes me a bit sad. We've completed our family now (DH has had the snip), which I'm a bit weepy about anyway, but it seems like giving birth and labouring are such primal strong female things (in the good way) - really affirming and amazing, to birth a child so actively.

And I am a bit ! Even though I know you poo while you're pushing and stuff!

I appreciate so much that my children were delivered safely and that I didn't suffer any of the appalling birth traumas I've read about, but I just feel like it's an experience I'm the poorer for not having had.

AIBU? I know IAB silly...

OP posts:

otchayaniye · 05/04/2011 14:37

birth is but a blip in the journey. For some truly wonderful (like many other things) for others more banal or just painful, however it's done.

I just don't get the fuss over it, although I completely understand why people would wish to avoid trauma and would seek as much control as they could (ha) over the situation.

What you are doing now is the real stuff. Birth is simply a process.

For me breastfeeding and all the other jazz is very important, couldn't care less about method of birth and would just want it to be a safe as possible for baby and me.

But I'm a cold hearted practical sort of bitch (just about to request a second planned section - whahoo)

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 14:38

If you feel sad or wistful or upset about the way your labour and delivery turned out, it does not mean you are not grateful for the children you have, for their health or for getting pregnant in the first place. Being sympathetic towards somebody's feelings isn't limited. Just because my neighbour has no leg, doesn't mean I can't feel sorry for the other neighbour who has broken theirs.

A woman is allowed to feel sad or hurt or upset about her own circumstances because they are peculiar to her. She should not be told off or ridiculed for her feelings.

I have had a miscarriage, I have had a traumatic delivery and suffered crippling ptsd for years. Am I allowed to be upset about never having a vaginal birth? Because after all dd is alive and healthy. Please somebody tell me what I'm allowed to feel.

There are some frankly disgusting attitudes on here.

jeckadeck · 05/04/2011 14:41

You are being silly IMO. I would have given right arm for a caesarian. Anyone who actually believes vaginal birth to be fun wants their head examined.

megapixels · 05/04/2011 14:45

Nobody believes that vaginal birth is fun though.

YANBU OP, I guess it's natural to wonder how it would have been but there's no need to dwell on it too much. I had vaginal births with my DC and I wouldn't have it any other way but it's just one of those things, the memories fade with time and it's no big deal at all.

Original poster

Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 14:45

jeckadeck, who said they believed it was fun?! Certainly not me.

OP posts:

otchayaniye · 05/04/2011 14:49

I don't think the OP is being silly at all. And I think it's natural to be wistful over any big life event that didn't turn out as planned.

But, there is a lot of pressure these days to get the birth 'right' (ie, natural, painkillerfree with oak leaf cluster) that we forget it is a messy, painful, chaotic process, and that not all females are built right (because of our evolutionary push to stand upright) and not all babies positioned correctly for this to happen.

We are lucky to have proper medicine in the past 50 years to help out when this happens. I certainly wouldn't want to have pushed out a breech baby with preeclampsia. And I don't regret it for one minute. So much so, I'm not bothering with a vbac for this one.

Miss it? Sure, I do a bit, but really, only fleetingly. I've breastfed for more than 2 years so have earned my stripes!!! (that's a joke). But be hard on yourself or secretly resent yourself for not getting it right. No. Try to move on as much as you can and get on with the actual parenting.

If you have some mental trauma though, please seek help. You're not a loon and many women do feel this way.

MinnieBar · 05/04/2011 15:12

I think the conclusions to be drawn from this are:

It's bloody hard however you do it, and
Whichever way you give birth is nothing compared to what happens next

clitorisorclitoraint · 05/04/2011 15:27

I do sympathise OP. I had 24hr labour...got fully dilated and was in erm, a wee bit of pain, only for the doctor to scan me, inform me that DD was breech and whip me into theatre for emcs anyway! Bah!

Would have rather had a) Vaginal birth or b) ELCS.

I never thought I'd ever have a baby though, so at 37 to be surprised with a beautiful daughter does take the edge off it a bit

IMissSleep · 05/04/2011 15:28

Well said Minniebar!!

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 15:31

I think the other salient point is that comments like 'get a grip' or 'move on' aren't really relevant. Doesn't sound much like the op is rolling round on the floor wailing and gnashing, letting her children go feral while she writes odes to the vaginal birth she didn't have. Most women have space in their heads for more than one thought so it's perfectly possible to have fleeting thoughts about birth and it not mean you're stuck in the past or unable to move on.

And if you are suffering with the memories and regret and they are preventing you enjoying what comes next, then I'd suggest you're traumatised and/or depressed and afaik 'get a bloody grip' isn't a recognised technique for dealing with either.

KatieWatie · 05/04/2011 15:40

OMG you poo when you're pushing?
Why did nobody tell me this BEFORE I got pregnant??

LudwigVanBeetroot · 05/04/2011 15:42

OP, I sort of sympathise but I do think YABU. When I was pregnant with my son, I assumed I would have a natural birth with whale song, birds, flowers and chocolate hearts. A month before due date I was advised that because of a pre-existing medical condition it was safer for me to have a c-section. I was very sad and terrified of surgery and was shaking as much with fear as excitement when I went into theatre. Twenty minutes later I met my son. Two days later he was transferred to NICU and for the first 24 hours in there nobody would tell me if he was going to be OK or not. (Thankfully he is as right as rain now.) My fears, regrets etc., over a c-section quickly evaporated, and my recovery was super fast because my mind was focused on my son's health. Here's my analogy - (and forgive me if anyone feels differently) - birth is like a wedding: it's just one day and it pales into insignificance compared to what is hopefully a whole lifetime together. I remember sitting in the NICU thinking all that matters is your baby's health, not how they arrive.

Plus, on the bright side, I'm really pleased I can run for a bus, laugh my head off and not piss my pants. That bit's really excellent.

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 15:44

KatieWatie, it's like a toothpaste tube. You put pressure on it, something will come out.

Not everybody poos. Just most people.

Boomerangme · 05/04/2011 15:53

I had two c-sections and was never interested in a vaginal birth or the troubles that often come with them. Who cares how a baby arrives as long as it and the mother is healthy? I also know a couple of women who were hell-bent on giving birth naturally and who ended up with brain-damaged children because of oxygen deprivation that wasn't spotted on the monitors on time. Was that worth the vaginal birth experience? Go look at some photos of ripped up vaginas and you will be happy for your scar.

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 16:02

Well now you put it like that Boomerang, it all makes sense. Women should only be allowed feelings as long as they stand up in comparison against somebody else's.

Who gives a shit how the baby arrives as long as the mother is healthy. In fact let's not bother training midwives to look after the emotional welfare of women at all. Let's not give them choices or respect their wishes. It's of naff all importance what happens in the delivery room at all.

Clearly we're living in a dystopia. We're all just handmaids who should consider ourselves lucky to give birth in whatever way.

I repeat, no woman who has sad feelings about the way they delivered is at all ungrateful about having a healthy baby. Can we stop this unhelpful nonsense?

valiumredhead · 05/04/2011 16:08

OP I understand completely the wistful feeling that has been described on this thread.

StealthPolarBear · 05/04/2011 16:10

And the competitive misery continues
No one is allowed to be in the slightest bit upset about anything when there are people starving in far away countries.

BTW - I would imagine that statistically most women have a straightforward vaginal birth

hazeyjane · 05/04/2011 16:11

I agree with ShowofHands, there are some appalling attitudes here.

I have suffered very complicated miscarriages, took 7 years to conceive dd1 (and really believed we would not have children), had 2 difficult vb's with 2nd and 3rd degree tears which left me with ongoing problems.

It does not stop the fact that I found my last birth (an elcs) to be very traumatic, and am now waiting to see a birth trauma counsellor.

Life doesn't work in the black and white way that some of you seem to think.

hazeyjane · 05/04/2011 16:20

oh dear, crossposted, and now feel like I am guilty of competitive misery!

notsomumsie · 05/04/2011 16:23

Kidding, right? I'm never had a leg amputated without anaesthetic, but i'll live.
Get over yourself, and read the leaking fanjo / fistula thread.

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 16:24

hazey, I don't think Stealth meant that sort of thing. More the idea that one experience trumps another, which is exactly what you were speaking against. I think you were agreeing with each other.

I'm sorry for your traumatic experience. Birth trauma counselling helped me enormously.

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 16:25

Arf. And notsomumsie has demonstrated the point beautifully. THAT kind of competitive misery.

notsomumsie, have you considered motivational speaking and/or counselling as a career? Because I know some soldiers with ptsd who haven't been told to get over themselves by anybody and I think it's what's missing from their recovery tbh.

hazeyjane · 05/04/2011 16:30

notsomumsie, I believe i visited that thread when i was trying to decide whether to have an elcs with dc3. Telling someone to 'get over' themselves,is frankly reprehensible.

Thankyou ShowofHands, I've re-read and can see that now-oops!

hazeyjane · 05/04/2011 16:30

rofl, ShowofHands.

valiumredhead · 05/04/2011 16:41

Kidding, right? I'm never had a leg amputated without anaesthetic, but i'll live

But childbirth is presented to women as 'natural' and 'empowering' and 'every woman can do it' etc etc, amputation is not - then once you have delivered by section or 'naturally' you realise that there is a lot more to it than that and actually the whole process can be brutal and frankly quite horrific!

It can take a long time to shake off that wistful feeling that somehow you did something 'wrong.'

Of COURSE if the outcome is a healthy baby that's fantastic and what everyone wants but it doesn't stop someone wondering.

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