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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad I'll never experience labour and vaginal birth?

134 replies

Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:06

Have 3 beautiful DSs. All C-sections and have never been in labour. Would've tried for a VBAC with DS2 but had complete placenta previa along with other issues and there's less than a year between DS2&3 and rupture was a concern.

Did have a 'natural cesarean' with DS3 which was lovely (he was 'born' onto my tummy very slowly, no screens or anything, god bless the NHS).

But watching One Born Every Minute and reading birth stories makes me a bit sad. We've completed our family now (DH has had the snip), which I'm a bit weepy about anyway, but it seems like giving birth and labouring are such primal strong female things (in the good way) - really affirming and amazing, to birth a child so actively.

And I am a bit Envy! Even though I know you poo while you're pushing and stuff!

I appreciate so much that my children were delivered safely and that I didn't suffer any of the appalling birth traumas I've read about, but I just feel like it's an experience I'm the poorer for not having had.

AIBU? I know IAB silly...

OP posts:
Lulumama · 05/04/2011 09:58

what SoH said

it is disgraceful to attack the OP for her feelings

birth trauma is not a laughing matter, feeling cheated, upset, failed about your birth experiences, whatever they might be, is not something to be denigrated or made into a sneering , finger pointing excercise

OP , you are not being unresonable. your feelings are normal and valid and lots , not all, but plenty of other women have similar feelings

I had an em c.s with my first and did, and still do have a little bit, 11 years later, a feeling of having not been present at his birth, he was removed from me and i was a bystander. I did feel i had missed out and it was upsetting and made worse by people , HCPs included, telling me I ought to be grateful i'd not had to push him out.. oh yes, I was so grateful i'd had surgery, vomiting and shaking so much i could not hold my baby, passing out and waking up with the family and the baby gone , lying in a pool of blood and thinking my baby was gone. lots to be greatful for there Hmm

compassion costs nothing

there are some horrible attitudes on this thread

LoveLeonardCohen · 05/04/2011 10:15

YANBU.....for feeling your feelings. Your feelings are not wrong, I don't understand why people say you are being unreasonable for having them. I had 2 caesereans, because my body doesn't go into labour. I would have liked to have natural, water pool etc but wasn't to be. However, I think though I have mostly come to terms with not having natural, I do get yearnings sometimes and wish that I had had vaginal birth...

it will be a process, you are an individual so how long it takes to come to terms with it is individual. But to reiterate of course YANBU

Saiditagain · 05/04/2011 10:15

Op afraid I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say the following, you are not being unreasonable to be sad.

I had my first child by emergency c-section and felt terribly sad/depressed for not having done things "naturally." Your feelings are absolutely understandable, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's not an understatement to say you have to grieve a little about this, so give yourself time to do so and then move on.

I went on to have a VBAC for DC2 and it was the worst experience of my life. I had 4th degree tears and subsequent problems with my pelivc floor. The "natural" birth in no way gave me the closure I'd been seeking and if I could go back in time I'd have an elective c-section.

I would like a 3rd child but the damage done to my body by the 2nd birth means that just carrying a 3rd child could cause me to be incontinent.

I still feel my body betrayed me because I had such bad tearing - some of our thoughts seem irrational but it doesn't mean we don't have the right to voice them.

NicknameTaken · 05/04/2011 11:44

Step away from OBEM!

Actually I do understand. I have one DD who will probably be my only, and I never went in to labour either - she was late, the induction didn't take hold, so had EMCS as well. And I do feel a bit wistful, as if I missed out on a bloody initiation. But the significance fades over time.

coccyx · 05/04/2011 11:51

YABVU and you know you are.
Move on, can't turn back what has happened, enjoy you lovely children

RudeEnglishLady · 05/04/2011 12:06

I was so high from pethidine and paralysed from a really heavy epidural that I kept having to remember where I was, who the people around me were etc. I even fell asleep a few times. Have no idea what it feels like to have a baby come out of you, even though thats what happened!

It doesn't sound ideal, I know, but we got the baby out and it was still the best day of my life. I personally think I benefitted from bypassing the pain and reality! I echo everyone else that says the healthy baby is the goal not the process by which it came out.

femalevictormeldrew · 05/04/2011 12:10

Because of back problems I gave to have sections under general anesthetic (epidural or labour not even remotely possible). I would love, love, love to be awake and for my DH to be there and so I could see his face when he sees his babies, but I can't so there is no point in me brooding over it because it ain't going to happen. You will have a lovely baby at the end of it, and once everything goes fine it is all good x

StealthPolarBear · 05/04/2011 12:14

I hope the people on here telling the OP she is being ridiculous have their feeling dismissed and belittled some time when they are upset about something

AliSheedy · 05/04/2011 12:25

I think most people on here are well meaning and aren't intentionally trying to belittle or dismiss the OP. For those of us who have had births go seriously wrong, you do just think 'Thank God we are all OK'.

If your feelings of grief over your birth aren't going away, you should seek help, OP.

darleneconnor · 05/04/2011 12:31

OP-I think I'd feel the same as you if it was me.

People get v emotive over birth so try to ignore some of the not too nice posts on here.

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 12:32

Thanks for the responses.

I don't feel 'grief' and I don't especially dwell - OBEM night always kicks it off. On a day to day level it doesn't cross my mind really. I certainly don't wish my particular births had been different - I went for the c-sections on medical advice and don't regret that.

I'm just a bit wistful (better and more accurate word than 'sad'), that I won't ever have the labour experience. I think probaby along with the MCs some part of me feels I was generally sub-par - I am NOT saying c-sections or MCs mean someone's sub-par, it's just what my subconscious is doing to me. I remember when we found out DS2 had issues I went into a horrible spiral of self-blame it took a long time to recover from.

Don't mind the harsh responses really so please nobody mind on my account! It's been interesting to get them, and to work out my feelings better. It is AIBU after all!

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 05/04/2011 12:37

YABVU
BUT you cant help how you feel.
Enjoy your 3 healthy dc (and having pelvic floor muscles!!!)
x

CinnabarRed · 05/04/2011 12:43

OP, did you breast feed at all? IME, that's a far more bonding experience than labour and birth, even if you only do it for a very short period of time.

I'm sorry about your MCs. I don't mean to trivialise your awful experiences (I've been lucky enough not to have had one so far), but thought you might want to know that friends who have had both MCs and vaginal births have told me that a MC feels very much like early and mid stage contractions. So you may be closer to having experienced a vaginal birth than you realise, although I don't know whether that's true for everyone.

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 12:59

Norovirus feels a bit like labour. Grin Cramps, shaking, pain, spasms, vomiting, crying, involuntary diarrhoea etc.

I was very surprised that labour didn't feel like period pains as that's the usual comparison.

I wonder if there would be a line in recreating labour/delivery for somebody who hasn't experienced it. I have no experience of pushing a baby out (well I pushed but no baby came out) but can't come up with anything beyond shitting a watermelon.

tabulahrasa · 05/04/2011 13:01

I didn't find labour bonding at all, it was long, boring and painful

I didn't have horrific deliveries, first wasn't ideal, but not a horror story. I didn't find it life affirming or empowering and to be honest I still find it a bit hard to connect the people (they're older now, obviously)that live in my house to giving birth, lol.

I don't see that a section would have been any worse for that, really, I had a lot of pain, was really tired and undignified and did all the pushing and what have you, but it was still a bit like - oh look a tiny person's just appeared, it didn't really seem in anyway connected to what I'd just been doing, rofl.

aliceliddell · 05/04/2011 13:17

Is this because of the natural birth/breastfeed til age 5 movement? I was in labour for 30 sodding hours on a crap folding bed which dug in my back, v.painful, much more than the endless labour in fact. Ended up looking through legs (in stirrups) while epesiotomy done, at bench covered in piles of bloodsoaked bandages. 2 days later with hormones plummeting, sat in kitchen shaking for about 1hr. It wasn't the spiritual experience we may be led to expect....but we survived.TBH probably all methods are crap?agree with tabulahrasa.

Oblomov · 05/04/2011 13:20

I often wonder, why you are idealising it though.
I had 2 EMCS, but got to the pushing part. I have no regrets and do not feel I have missed out at all. I wonder why you do ? The whole thing sounds so bloody awful, I'm glad I didn't expereince it. Most birth threads tell of misery, discomfort and things going wrong.
Is it that bit you long for, or do you imagine yours will be all lovely and smooth ? Coz I bet stastically , for most Mn'ers aren't like that !!

TwoIfBySea · 05/04/2011 13:24

I am more upset that I never got a proper crack at trying to breastfeed my dts when they were born.

Missing out on labour after having an EMCS not so much!

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 13:24

Movement? Do they have placards and banners?

It's nothing to do with any movement, it's to do with your personal reaction to the circumstances of your labour/delivery. Nothing more, nothing less. I can recreate most experiences if I want to, I can choose to do all sorts of things, most experiences aren't lost to me but one of the most powerful, unknowable things the female body is capable of? I think it's fine to wonder about it. It's also fine to feel sad/traumatised/guilty.

Just because you wonder or you have those questions, doesn't mean you don't also comprehend the brilliance of having a healthy baby and a healthy mother. The one does not preclude the other.

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 13:28

If it's 'because' of anything it's because I am woeful that my body couldn't get pregnant, stay pregnant, that it damaged DS2, didn't realise I'd MCed any of the times and just hung on to the products of conception, never did a labour and I still get a saggy vag, piles and a scar from hip to hip and ongoing health problems.

I don't think labour and vag delivery are always the best way to do things - I don't wish I'd tried to do it, because that might've hurt the DCs. But now I know I'll never be pregnant again (prob a good thing given my body's record), I'm wistful when I see or hear about women going through labour. I won't ever do that.

I get IABU but I don't think vag delivery is easy or fun - I do know that it can be incredibly traumatic for all concerned. But I'm a bit sad I'll never do it, and that my body couldn't even manage a contraction or a natural M/C. I am incredibly grateful that I have the DCs and donate to the hospital where they were born every year.

OP posts:
echt · 05/04/2011 13:33

YANBU to feel whatever you wish, OP.

How can AIBU rule on your feelings?

OK. I will. Get a grip. You have three children, while others will never have one.

psiloveyou · 05/04/2011 13:39

Maybe spending a bit of time on the many TTC threads would make you feel differantly. There are so many ladies there who would give anything to experience the joy of holding their own child. They wouldn't give a damn how it got here.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I don't understand why you would feel like you do.

Oblomov · 05/04/2011 13:45

Or better still go to the birth threads where people need counselling to get over their horrific births. I have wept a few tears over the years, for some peoples stories and how they need help to get over it.

Balsam · 05/04/2011 13:56

YANBU. I had a straightforward vaginal birth with DC1 and could not understand my friends who had sections saying they were disappointed. If you and baby are healthy at the end of it, what the hell does it matter?

Then I had a section with DC2 (breech) and suddenly I understood their feelings. It's a very different experience.

granhands · 05/04/2011 14:02

YANBU, I delivered my DS vaginally with no probs, other than a episiotomy. Back on my feet that morning. Breastfed with no trouble at all.

Then I ended up having an emcs with my dd at 28 weeks. It was awful, I had a general, my DP was not allowed to be there, because the prognosis was not good. I had to ask the doctors if my baby cried when she was born. I tried so hard to breastfeed, I expressed for 12 weeks, but it did not work out at all.

I know it is irrational, but I feel that I failed on every single count. Body failed to go to term, failed to deliver dd and then failed to feed her. Yes all that matters is the final outcome, but I still feel that i did not deliver DD: she was cut out.

Please don't tell the OP to "get a grip", how unkind.

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