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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad I'll never experience labour and vaginal birth?

134 replies

Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:06

Have 3 beautiful DSs. All C-sections and have never been in labour. Would've tried for a VBAC with DS2 but had complete placenta previa along with other issues and there's less than a year between DS2&3 and rupture was a concern.

Did have a 'natural cesarean' with DS3 which was lovely (he was 'born' onto my tummy very slowly, no screens or anything, god bless the NHS).

But watching One Born Every Minute and reading birth stories makes me a bit sad. We've completed our family now (DH has had the snip), which I'm a bit weepy about anyway, but it seems like giving birth and labouring are such primal strong female things (in the good way) - really affirming and amazing, to birth a child so actively.

And I am a bit Envy! Even though I know you poo while you're pushing and stuff!

I appreciate so much that my children were delivered safely and that I didn't suffer any of the appalling birth traumas I've read about, but I just feel like it's an experience I'm the poorer for not having had.

AIBU? I know IAB silly...

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 05/04/2011 00:33

Sorry about your MCs, btw - am feeling a bit sensitive about them just now.Blush

madhattershouse · 05/04/2011 00:33

Bonding comes during pregnancy and after birth....during vaginal birth all you want to do is stop the bugger coming coz it hurts!! I had 2 m/c's before my dc's...they hurt in all sorts of ways! Vag birth is not pretty or bonding..just painful and something you have to get through. Enjoy your dc's..believe me there are no "perfect births" and you will not be a better mum for going through the pain.

oldsilver · 05/04/2011 00:34

Do what I do don't watch OBEM. Could only have the one and that was through EMCS. At least you can show your DC exactly where they came from.

Thingumy · 05/04/2011 00:34

I'm sure there are millions of mothers who've bonded with their children because they've enjoyed their 'natural' labour.

I wasn't one of those.I was fooked on both occasions and just wanted to sleep,was just glad each child was ok and I wasn't dying because I felt like death.

First was quick and I lost copious amounts of blood and was kept in for 7 days after,second was over 24 hours labour and I would gladly have taken a gun to the head toward the last hour of labour to get it over and done with.

I have 3 mc and a ectopic too and am glad that I will never have that heartbreak in my life ever again.

buttonmooncup · 05/04/2011 00:36

Oh and can't say that the little monkeys ripping my vag apart did much for bonding either!

CurrySpice · 05/04/2011 00:39

OP I have had 2 emergency c sections after2 very long and painful labours and I know exactlywhat you meanif that's anyhelp to you

JuicyOlive · 05/04/2011 00:39

2 c sections here and no plans for any more kids. Firstly OP I do understand your "grieving" process. I certainly spent several years wistfully wondering what it would be like to give birth "properly" but many years down the line I realise that there is a lot of pressure to give birth vaginally, in the same way that some women who don't manage to breastfeed feel that they have "failed".

I tried for a vaginal birth with my first child who was breech. (it was a guideline to try to deliver breech babies vaginally where I live at the time. my DD, my beautiful darling sweet daughter nearly died as a result. DS was less cut and dried but after the traumatic experience of the first time I was glad to run with the c section when the docs made that recommendation. From your Op it sounds like there were sound medical reasons for the way you gave birth and FWIW I think the welfare of your DC should be the priority.

duckypoo · 05/04/2011 00:39

I have had 3 sections too, although experienced some labour with dc1, I have what if thoughts for dc2 (I opted for an elcs over vbac, I had much fluid and he was large). Dc2 was the only one out of the 3 that actually engaged (dc1 not at all although head down. dc3 transverse).

I do wonder if I could have had a vbac with him, as he was firmly wedged in my pelvis(only known in hindsight) and I was having slight contractions.

Then I think about the actual reality, he was very large with a big old head, maybe I would have been one of those people who are left unmarked by large babies. Maybe he would have suffered shoulder dystocia and the forceps would have given me a 4th degree tear.

I can't know, I don't even want to. He is here, he is healthy as are all my childen.

I do understand your longing when you see those lovely births on obem, but that wasn't for us and thankfully our children are fine. I really really do understand when you say you would want to go through that. If I had the choice I would have too, but it wasn't to be, in reality it's such a small part of life, I'm sure the feelings will fade as they get older.

kerrymumbles · 05/04/2011 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yeoflittle · 05/04/2011 00:42

It makes absolute sense to feel wistful - in the same way that anyone with a horrible vaginal birth with painful repercussions might feel wistful for a good vaginal birth. I know people who have had vaginal births who did find the pushing out bit profound - and did feel it gave them a particular feel for the baby's strength and resilience. For myself - I'm glad I had the chance ( and it's all chance and luck let's face it ) to push the babe out - especially as the medical evidence suggests there's good knock on effect for breastfeeding take-up etc. But the thing is.....it really made no difference to how I felt about DS. It's the months of care that have made me feel the bond - not the pushing bit. But wistfulness....I think that's always part of the package.

BluddyMoFo · 05/04/2011 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:50

Well, it's.. not 'good', comforting maybe, validating(?), that I'm not the only one. I do feel guilty about it as I have no reason to feel wistful really - me and the DCs all fine and god I do know how lucky we are that's the case. I'll try to buck up.

thumbwitch no need to apologise. Thank god, my m/cs and associated awfulness are a few years back now. I think that probably this wistfulness about never having been in labour is associated with how I felt about myself when I was going through it all though.

Bluddy HAHAHAH! A horse?! Oh my god that's amazing. Love it :D

OP posts:
cityangel · 05/04/2011 00:51

I had 2 quick vaginal births in 3 years. Births were painful but I was very pleased not to have c-sections. Still I tore badly both times and have a massive tummy hernia from the way I carried. Wouldn't change it but I think you just have to accept that was your lot and move on to enjoy what you do have.

duckypoo · 05/04/2011 00:52

That lovely first cry is brilliant and emotional however you give birth, I do love that moment in a cs where it's all blah blah and then that croaky first little cry, you know then you have an actual swear to fucking god baby Shock.

With my first, an emcs I will never ever forget her wee face (with meconium dribbling out of the mouth) as I first saw it. Was such a shock, actually seeing your own baby for the first time, bloody brilliant.

In no way does cs have to affect bonding, giving birth and seeing your baby for the first time is special, however you achieve it.

BanalChelping · 05/04/2011 01:09

I know where you're coming from OP, I certainly felt that way after DS1 was born; I planned a homebirth, he had other ideas and I ended up with a (very unpleasant due to complications) ELCS. Second time round I planned a VBAC and ended up with a crash section. My attitude towards my second section was very different from my first because I was just so grateful that they saved DS2's life. That said, terms like failed VBAC aren't helpful.

BanalChelping · 05/04/2011 01:20

BluddyMoFo Tue 05-Apr-11 00:19:12
I'd swap all that for a little scar on my belly.

Little scar? It's not a fucking paper cut.

FWIW women who have had sections often also have terminal piles and problems with their pelvic floors; not to mention saggy c-section overhangs, pain from their scars, long term abdominal pain because they've had serious surgery in an emergency, which has been carried out fairly brutally in order to get the baby out as quickly as possible.

Original poster
Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 01:23

Banal, yeah, I have piles and a saggy vag and adhesions which are causing major problems with my intestines. It's not all fun and games.

But it's not so much about wanting to avoid that, because I associate that with the safe delivery of the DCs. Don't want a do-over, just... feel wistful about the stuff I'll never do.

OP posts:
duckypoo · 05/04/2011 01:30

Haha bluddy, that's hilarious. I am very glad I got to experience gas and air though. That stuff is marvellous, I remember trying to phone dp when my face was totally numb and tingly and I felt like I had had ten pints. They really should sell that stuff.

duckypoo · 05/04/2011 01:38

I do have a painful and odd popping sensation sometimes when coughing, after 3 sections, but then again my Mum had 5 children and tore with each and every one.

Couldn't really fancy that experience either.

With my first I couldn't envisage a whole person coming out of my fanjo, still can't really. I have seen it on tv and in rl, still cannot envisage a whole person emerging from my fanny, just seems mental.

mathanxiety · 05/04/2011 01:51

Yanbu to wonder and to grieve the experience you didn't have. I was induced three times and went into labour spontaneously twice, though no cs's, and I still wonder what would the three induced DCs' 'real' birthdays have been. Having said that, I'm glad all went well for the babies, as I have gone through 4 mcs, and I wonder about those lives too.

No such thing as 'failure' when it comes to having babies.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/04/2011 01:57

OBEM is not gospel, dont use that as a benchmark for what you've missed. My labour was hideous, 'assisted' by hateful midwives. I don't remember the first cry and I was so upset at dd being taken straight from me for 20 minutes with no explanation that I dont remember seeing her for the first time. I have no good memories of her birth at all.

lady007pink · 05/04/2011 05:54

I had 3 CS's too and it has never bothered me in the slightest. In fact, I enjoy telling others I gave birth with dignity!

lady007pink · 05/04/2011 05:56

Also, my DS would most likely have died if I had not had my first crash CS! The "beauty" of giving birth naturally would not be much use if it ended with a dead baby.

IMissSleep · 05/04/2011 06:14

My DS was born by CS, planned as he was breech. No chance of him turning. I went into labour 2 weeks before my CS, didn't even know until I decided maybe I should pop to the hospital to see what my tummy ache was. I was 5 cm dilated. Waters broke at hospital at 4:30pm, was in theatre at 6pm and he was born at 7:03pm. I was an "OK" experience, very rushed and I was sooo drugged up that its all abit of a blur. I do remember it feeling like someone was washing up inside me! I walked like the hunchback of notre dame for about 4 days!!!

I think as long as your baby is healthy then it doesn't matter how they were born, I here so many women say " I feel like I haven't experienced a "proper" birth" when they've had a c sec.
You carried your baby for 9 months, helped them grow and kept them safe. The birth is such a small part of it!!!

bonkers20 · 05/04/2011 06:29

I don't think you're being silly at all!
I have not had a c-section so can't empathise, however I had a standard long first labour with epidural. I really, really wanted my 2nd to be more natural - to feel the pushing, to experience all those things you read about - letting your body do its thing etc etc. I did get that with my 2nd and I do feel happy that I've had that experience.

I feel exactly how you describe - affirming and amazing to actively birth my child. I feel the same about breastfeeding.

Having said all that, if I hadn't have had either of these experiences then I'd to recognise those feelings, accept them and move on.