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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad I'll never experience labour and vaginal birth?

134 replies

Makudonarudo · 05/04/2011 00:06

Have 3 beautiful DSs. All C-sections and have never been in labour. Would've tried for a VBAC with DS2 but had complete placenta previa along with other issues and there's less than a year between DS2&3 and rupture was a concern.

Did have a 'natural cesarean' with DS3 which was lovely (he was 'born' onto my tummy very slowly, no screens or anything, god bless the NHS).

But watching One Born Every Minute and reading birth stories makes me a bit sad. We've completed our family now (DH has had the snip), which I'm a bit weepy about anyway, but it seems like giving birth and labouring are such primal strong female things (in the good way) - really affirming and amazing, to birth a child so actively.

And I am a bit Envy! Even though I know you poo while you're pushing and stuff!

I appreciate so much that my children were delivered safely and that I didn't suffer any of the appalling birth traumas I've read about, but I just feel like it's an experience I'm the poorer for not having had.

AIBU? I know IAB silly...

OP posts:
sterrryerryoh · 05/04/2011 07:32

I understand, op. I live for my ds, and couldn't love him more. I feel proud that our family was brought together through adoption, but i do feel sad that i will never have the experience of pregnancy, labour and birth (in whatever form). The only important thing is that he is here, but there is definitely some kind of yearning- albeit a wistful one- that makes me wonder about the experiences i have missed. I think your musings are entirely natural- despite some of the painful experiences some people have had.
for me, though, the whole thing is made much easier by the fact that if i had been pregnant, then i wouldn't have my ds, which doesn't bear thinking about, because this was the way it was always supposed to be

sleepyhappymummy · 05/04/2011 07:47

I have had both - vaginal delivery with first, then elective cd for twins. I worried a lot before the cs about whether it would affect bonding or breastfeeding, or be a less 'satisfying' experience. I can honestly say it was no different at all. Yes, recovery takes a little longer with cs, but I felt like I'd been hit by a bus after the vag delivery, so not all easy there either.

So, if you're asking if you're being U, I'd say it's ok to allow yourself 5 minutes of wistful thinking about 'what if', but then get on with remembering how lucky you are to gave safely delivered your three dcs, who you made inside you! Pretty amazing however they came out!

sleepyhappymummy · 05/04/2011 07:48

I mean elective cs, blummin phone!

exoticfruits · 05/04/2011 07:57

As long as you have 3 healthy DCs I think that it is irrelevant. The 9 months is important and the rest of their lives is important-the fact that you missed out on one short experience isn't important-don't dwell on it-I'm sure your DCs couldn't care less!

cory · 05/04/2011 08:04

I've had one of each, and while I can understand your feelings of sadness, I honestly don't think I missed much by not giving birth vaginally the second time. The vaginal birth was ok, certainly not traumatic, but I didn't feel particularly strong or female or life-affirming either; nothing particularly life-affirming about stitches in your nether regions. I suppose some do and some don't.

Yes, it is one experience you haven't had- but life is full of experiences and there will be some great ones you have that other people don't have.

As others have said, do allow yourself a little sadness- it's not a feeling to be ashamed of- but then move on.

washnomore · 05/04/2011 08:10

YANBU. I've had a section and a VBAC and I know if the VBAC attempt had failed I'd have had a lot of coming-to-terms to do afterwards. That doesn't mean I put my own experiences above the safety of my DC but I think those who are saying YABU because your DC are ok are being a little unsympathetic. Having healthy DC doesn't take away your right to feel sad or curious or left out or whatever about a birth experience you never had.
I might like to go to the top of Mount Everest but not manage to climb myself and have to get a piggyback from a sherpa. I might then be lucky to have got to experience the summit but of course I'd probably wonder what it may have been like if I'd done it on my own two feet. I'd be pissed off with people saying I was BU in that situation too.

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/04/2011 08:27

YANBU to feel abit :( but YABU to dwell on it. We all have things that wecouldmoonover (My DHmissed the birth, I might not get to have another child) but instead we have to remember what we have and feelblessed. Mooning over something you can't have is completely pointless. Vaginal birth is also pretty risky in terms of low level permanent damage and not all that. I had a third degree tear which stillplays me up 2.5 years later!

BanalChelping · 05/04/2011 08:31

Washnomore sums it up perfectly. I'm grateful to the Sherpa but I wonder what it would have been like to get there myself.

haudyerwheesht · 05/04/2011 08:32

I don't think YABU.

I have had 2 vaginal births - the first was amazing, the second was agonising and I was scared and panicking and haemorraged afterwards and I just feel sort off odd about it, almost guilty that I wasn't calmer and more controlled. Also feel guilty that I had morpheine just before she was born (as went from 6cm to 10 in 2min) and just wish I'd held on that little bit longer because it had no effect anyways.

So, if I can feel like that you can feel like you do imo.

I suspect we both know were being illogical and hard on ourselves but it doesn't stop the feelings.

StealthPolarBear · 05/04/2011 08:34

There are some nasty posts on here :(
I agree with Eric, yanbu to feel a bit sad that this is something you wil never experience, but as you know yourself it's not the be all and end all. We all have the thing we're hung up on or the thing we regret slightly - for you it's this but people who had 'ideal' VBs will have something else.

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/04/2011 08:39

YABU but you know that! Nothing wrong with a bit of wistful wishing though.

However, another perspective. Both of my labours/births were very quick. Such that I actually felt I was a fraud and had done it wrong. Very little pain experienced, so how could they have been proper births?

I was embarrassed to tell my birth stories afterwards, in my NCT group/with antenatal friends, because there were no gory stories to tell.

That sounds silly too, doesn't it?

IMissSleep · 05/04/2011 08:51

When I watch One Born Every Minute, I do get very teary when the baby is born, I didn't have that experience but I remember his first cry, when they lifted him up, the music that was playing...!

I have been told that I will probably always have breech baby's and therefore always need a c sec. As long as they are in no danger I'm happy! Throughout my pregnancy I had complications, placenta previa, low fluid, him being breech...I was so relieved once he was born that the didn't really matter - he was ok!

I do understand though, I sometimes think I hope to have a vaginal birth... suppose I'm just curious!

MinnieBar · 05/04/2011 09:00

What Washnomore said. I had a vaginal birth with all three but the first was forceps and although it was four years ago I still feel like I didn't give birth to him myself and was merely 'there' while he was dragged out of me. Irrational, yes. But I think some empathy would be more helpful than telling the OP to just 'get over it'. I mean this nicely, but maybe AIBU wasn't the right place for this??

TheChewyToffeeMum · 05/04/2011 09:04

I don't think YABU.

I had one elective section and one (long, painful, epidural, forceps, haemorrhage, infected sutures) VBAC. Even though the VBAC was very traumatic and I would not wish that experience on anyone I am glad I did it. I felt a deep need to experience it despite knowing that my first birth was just as 'real' as any other.

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 05/04/2011 09:08

YANBU for being sad you'll never experience it. It's utter hell though, you really haven't missed much. Prefer a CS myself.

Crawling · 05/04/2011 09:09

YANBU I had what many would consider a bad first birth. DS was op 24hr constant cc and he was pushed out still op, but I am lucky and did feel all those things you mention(apart from better bonding) the pictures I am falling asleep but I felt on a high at the same time. I think it is natural to wonder what a different experience would feel like.

For the record I have physio for my pelvic floor not because of birth or tearing but carrying a baby.

cazza40 · 05/04/2011 09:16

Yabu op in fact bloody ridiculous

Dred · 05/04/2011 09:22

I was terrified of the thought of labour, I even had panic attacks about it. I ended up having a c section due to pre eclampsia. It was a wonderful, lovely experience. Smile

washnomore · 05/04/2011 09:23

cazza you're being unbelievably harsh. How can you justify that?

OP your feelings are your own and nobody has the right to deny them. What you feel is IMO natural and normal and at least you can acknowledge that you're blessed to have healthy children.

moonstorm · 05/04/2011 09:34

YANBU I had a cs and a VBAC. I would never ever have a cs again if I could help it. Recovery (for me) was much harder, the scar is massive (well it feels like it).

I think a lot of you just don't understand. After the cs I was left with a feeling of 'is that it' at the same time as feeling I'd had some dreadful accident. After the vaginal birth I was left with a sense of euphoria that helped me through the first days.

HOWEVER, op - and I think this is important, 5 months on and I don't think about the birth of either child. It's only relevant at the time. I think the part of us that is designed to give birth makes us feel we have lost out.

For those of you who go on about being torn to shreds - what do you think happens in a cs - you get cut through many layers of your middle. And as others have said, it's often pregnancy that causes problems down below anyway.

Have time to mourn what you missed out on, but remember that in the run of things, birth gets forgotten about quickly and that what happens after the birth is important.

TurkeyBurgerThing · 05/04/2011 09:46

I've had 3 since 2005 and now I have a baggy old fanjo. Even bath water does odd things and I have to squeeze it out once I'm finished my bath! Plus now, poor DH hardly touches the sides.

I don't think you've missed out too badly long term!

BettyGrable · 05/04/2011 09:48

I sympathise with you, OP. Hopefully time will heal for you.

Fwiw, I have had both and would take a section any time!

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2011 09:49

You aren't being unreasonable in the slightest and no amount of 'move on' and 'you're ridiculous' changes your emotions.

It is in no way unreasonable to have a natural reaction to something as primitive as giving birth and as life changing as becoming a parent. And it's not a simple comparison between methods of birth either. It doesn't matter if another woman snapped clean in two or her head rolled off during transition, your feelings about your delivery are valid.

We grow up thinking that you give birth through your vagina. We are told that women know how to do this, that are bodies are amazing things that can do it without us. Hell even women in comas do it. Women have done it on battlefields and in jungles. It's utterly, utterly natural. And it's something for which there is no comparison. Whether it's the high or the low that different people speak of, it's an experience that you can't replicate.

When it comes to it and you end up in a sterile theatre, surrounded by strangers and no sensation in your body, you feel so far removed from your feelings, from nature and from everything you've ever been told.

Having a cs was the worst day of my life and I've had crippling ptsd. I've been angry with my body. I've been sad and I've felt guilty. I don't have a small scar on my belly. I have piles and pelvic floor issues (I also have an episiotomy scar that aches all the bloody time because my vaginal birth went wrong), I have panic attacks. I know now that there is no such thing as an ideal or perfect birth. There are as many people traumatised by cs as there are by vaginal births. And I know now that the method of delivery was a means to an end.

But if one single person had told me that my regrets and sadness were ridiculous or unreasonable, I would have been utterly livid. No natural thought or reaction to a major event is unreasonable. To say it is moves into the realm of 1984 and thought police.

MarianneM · 05/04/2011 09:53

You have your three lovely children, what does it matter how they came out? I've had to sections, but the first was an emergency so I got a taste of giving birth naturally, and it was agony! Don't feel sad, think you had a lucky escape!

bonkers20 · 05/04/2011 09:58

Crikey ladies, do some pelvic floor exercises!