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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very hurt & upset by ds

129 replies

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 12:32

Ds (12) has been a nightmare to live with lately , he can be very insulting & rude to both DH & myself . While out shopping on Friday DH asked ds to go pick out a card for me for mothers day but ds refused saying "no i don't want to" (& walked out of the card shop) so DH ended up getting a card anyway & asking ds to write it out for me . DH also bought both dc's presents to hand me & flowers . DD gave me hers early this morning in front of ds but ds has not given me his gift even though its hanging on his bedroom door handle (where dh left it) & now he has gone out to play & i am sat here in tears

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 03/04/2011 19:03

You should not have let him go out again. If my son had done that, I'd have stormed out after him and made him come back home.

You should not have apologised. He threw your gift at you and you are the one saying sorry. You have got it arse about face. He should be apologising to you.

You need to sit down with him and DH and tell him that this is not on. Then you need to cancel his parties. Actions have consequences. Your failure to deal with this has resulted in your child being a spoilt brat. If you can't control him now, how do think you will cope when he is bigger and stronger than you?

So far, his actions have had no negative consequences for your DS. That has to change immediately. I know you love him, but you are doing him no favours here.

I am that he has behaved like this because you make him wash his face in the mornings.

Xales · 03/04/2011 19:07

Sorry but he would not becoming out with me DD and DH tomorrow or Saturday would be cancelled. He has been completely rewarded by you for his foul behaviour. There is absolutely nothing of consequence to make him behave like a civilised 12 year towards you.

NorthernGobshite · 03/04/2011 19:19

I think you should sit him down and explain that you are feeling hurt and that yes, its only a card, but that it is nice and loving to show appreciation for those we care about. Then let it go. He's 12, obviously fastly approaching puberty and feeling moody. But he's also old enough to understand that it's not okay to take it out on you.

Original poster

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 19:25

Ok i know i deserve a flaming and yes i let him away with too much but i do have my reasons . Ds has gone through hell from being bullied and as a result he suffers with migraines and anxiety and has completely changed in the last two years . He used to be a very Happy smiley child who would be the first one to offer to help anyone out . I suppose i have over indulged him at home to try make up for all the bullying he goes through in school . I often feel the way he treats me (he is lovely to everyone outside of home) is his way of letting off steam iykwim .

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 03/04/2011 19:27

Is he still being bullied?

Original poster

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 19:30

Its getting better ritamorgan as in its less often , but still every now & again one of the bullies will try to get him . He is due to leave this school in June . The Police are involved now .

OP posts:

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 19:33

"He is nasty to you you say: 'with such a nasty behaviour I don't trust you to be nice to other people, you will not be able to meet your friends'."

I told my tired and stroppy 6yo DS this today when telling him to buck up as he has an after school playdate tomorrow. Needless to say he took some time out and came back, apologised and said he'll prove he can behave - very pleased as I still get my 2 hours peace tomorrow it shows that consequences/ or the threat of do work.

Please OP for the sake of your DS and you do get some backbone.

Oh and just to add don't make too much of a fuss of DD if she is behaving or he may feel he's the 'bad' one and play up to that iyswim.

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 19:37

sorry x posted with your last post whatlies

It sounds like you have fought hard for him - seems even more sad that this is how he repays you. Can you get some support? Maybe you need some kind of mediation so he opens up to you when he's had a bad day instead of taking his anger out on you?

sending ((()))'s as you sound like you need them.

Happy Mothers Day too btw.

catinthehat2 · 03/04/2011 19:38

that's grim, I can't say I'm surprised that there's more to it.

but IMO he still doesn't have carte blanche to act out with you, or anyone else when you decide you aren't putting up with it

"Ok i know i deserve a flaming" no you don't and I don't take it that anyone is particualrly flaming you. People are just firmly letting you know that DS's behaviour is NOK and it's fine & normal for you to draw the line in the sand.

squeakytoy · 03/04/2011 19:49

I can honestly say, if you dont get this behaviour under control now, by coming down on him like a prison warder, and making him understand that you are the adult, he is the child, and he WILL live by your rules, that in a couple of years time, you will have absolutely no control over him at all, no respect, and a life of hell.

catchmeifyoucan · 03/04/2011 19:56

Regardless of hormones, past bullying, whatever - the most important thing you can teach a child is kindness. It's not too late but it's getting close. For HIS sake and the sake of any future partners you absolutely have to get this sorted without further delay. Truth is he's probably - without really knowing it - absolutely desperate for someone to give him some behavioural guidelines. He's out of control and unless you step in now now now then I really fear for your emotional health and your son's immediate future. It's a small step from treating mum like shit to treating women outside the home like shit.

CinnabarRed · 03/04/2011 19:57

Your explanation for why it's "OK" for him to treat you like this (he's under pressure, he has anxiety, he's lovely with everyone else, he just needs to let off steam by targeting me) sound disturbingly like the explanations from women staying in abusive relationships.

He's still a kid who had obviously had to deal with a lot of shit at school. But loads of kids get bullied and don't turn on their mothers as a coping mechanism. Do everything you can to help him manage the school situation between now and June, and get him counselling if he thinks it would help. But the bullying was not your fault and however guilty you feel you should not be taking his shit.

(((OP))). Try and salvage something from Mothers' Day with your daughter, who sounds lovely BTW and shows that you're doing lots right as a parent.

Don't let him turn into one of those abusive men.

BarbarianMum · 03/04/2011 20:09

Only to add to what others have said - it is not OK, it is never OK, to treat people with a lack of respect. It is not OK at 6, or 16 or 64, although obviously it is something we have to learn and children sometimes get it wrong. So forget the 'he's ONLY 12' crap pov and remind him that the way you treat people has consequences. If you let him treat you like a his whipping boy now heaven help you in a couple of years time.

And sorry you've had a hard day.

sparkle12mar08 · 03/04/2011 20:50

For goodness sakes, take a long hard look in the mirror. Do you really believe it's acceptable for one person to treat another this way? Do you really want your son to treat his future wife this way? I cannot understand how any woman allows herself to be walked over this way. I'm speechless frankly. Others have given much better advice than I'm capable of right now, but please, please find some backbone from somewhere and get this sorted out.

Frankly if I'd ever dared behave this way with my mother my father would have (deservedly) given me a good hiding, even at the age of 12.

I'm stunned I really am, I just don't get how there are parents who let their children behave this way...

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/04/2011 20:57

Awwww Whatliesbeneath that's hard to not get upset at - Im for you, you try your best and you still get it in the neck. You don't deserve a flaming but BarbariabMum and many others are right he needs to show you some respect.

FWIW - Bullys are generally bullied themselves - he's being bullied and is bullying you.

Original poster

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 21:04

If you met my son you would be charmed by him , he is polite , mannerly & very soft hearted . He is the child that stands up for other kids in the playground or picks them up if they fall . Yes he takes his anger / hurt out on me and yes i find it hard to discipline him when i know what he has to go through every day i take him to school . I am hoping things will settle down when he gets a fresh start in his new school .

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/04/2011 21:12

dh changed schools at that age and he definitely benefitted from it.

Can i ask - what type of school is he in now/going to - single sex or mixed?

2rebecca · 03/04/2011 21:15

Loads of kids get bullied though. Both mine went through phases of being bullied, I was bullied and my sibs were. Perhaps you weren't if you see it as an excuse to be unpleasant. I think parents should try and deal with bullying with the school and help their kids through it. I still se it as fairly normal for kids to be bullied at some stage though. I wouldn't have let him go out again, although you descended to his level by throwing his present in the bin, although it was never really "his" present and I think this is a problem when husbands take over mothers day.
I'd far rather have no cards and presents than one the kids are forced to buy and sign. Crying about it sounds daft.
You seem to be a house of drama queens.

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 21:17

I was bullied I would never dream of speaking to my mum like that and would have been mortified if she'd validated my bad behaviour because of it.

OP I understand what your saying but 'hoping' things will improve 2 months down the line isn't dealing with the problem.

Original poster

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 21:26

Thanks for that helpful post 2rebecca

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 03/04/2011 22:08

And the line that starts "if you met my son you'd be charmed by him..." is also straight out of the abuse victim's script. OP, if he's lovely to everyone else then he's choosing to be foul to you. If it were a pressure valve reaction to stress or because of hormones then he'd blow up at other people too. This really isn't OK.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/04/2011 22:16

Op, I am sorry, but you NEED to tackle him about his behaviour at home. It is called parenting. How do you know he does not behave like shit to other kids, and is bullied in return? He needs to learn how to behave.

CinnabarRed · 04/04/2011 14:51

How are you feeling today OP? Did you get your nice lunch?

Original poster

whatliesbeneath · 04/04/2011 16:18

Yes thank you cinnabarred dh took me out for lunch with the dc's as they had a half day from school today . We had a long heart to heart with ds about our expectations from him & what is acceptable behaviour , he knows full well he was out of order yesterday & keeps apologizing to me today . After lunch we went shopping & ds bought me a small bunch of daffodils , which was lovely of him .
Dh & i have agreed to be more consistent with dealing with him from here on in as he needs to know that his actions have consequences & up until now we have not given him boundaries . So ds has agreed with everything we have said & its up to us to follow through . I am a soft touch , ds knows this but i need to toughen up for his sake or he will never find a wife to put up with him or i'm letting ds down .
.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 04/04/2011 16:28

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