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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very hurt & upset by ds

129 replies

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 12:32

Ds (12) has been a nightmare to live with lately , he can be very insulting & rude to both DH & myself Sad . While out shopping on Friday DH asked ds to go pick out a card for me for mothers day but ds refused saying "no i don't want to" (& walked out of the card shop) so DH ended up getting a card anyway & asking ds to write it out for me . DH also bought both dc's presents to hand me & flowers . DD gave me hers early this morning in front of ds but ds has not given me his gift even though its hanging on his bedroom door handle (where dh left it) & now he has gone out to play & i am sat here in tears Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 15:44

Dh is in work today so he left the house after making me my breakfast at 11am this morning but before he left he asked ds to give me the gift & ds just shrugged his shoulders & went out to play when his friend knocked in for him . He wont be home until 9.30pm tonight . He has the day off tomorrow & has promised to take us all out for lunch to celebrate then (ds doesn't know this though) .

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 15:46

And your dh did what when your ds just shrugged when he'd been asked to do something?

TheCrackFox · 03/04/2011 15:47

He is being a little git but I in the ignoring camp. If he knows he has got a rise out of you he will do it more or, worse, you could get stuck in a cycle of you both being vile to each other.

Original poster
whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 15:50

I told dh to leave it valiumredhead , i wanted ds to hand me the card etc in his own time & the way i see it the good is taken out of it if DH was to force ds into giving it to me tbh .

OP posts:
louloudia · 03/04/2011 15:50

erm i would never ignore bad behaviour, however trendy it is to do so

FuppyGish · 03/04/2011 15:50

why was he allowed out to play after ignoring your dh?

Pagwatch · 03/04/2011 15:50

I guess I worry about the ignoring thing for two reasons.
Firstly I think children can start something like this but not have the maturity to figure how to pull out of it. They can't do the ' god sorry - I am being a twat can we start again' and so get stuck
Also the ignoring a near adult gets a bit passive aggressive. I don't like woman who get tight lipped until their dh apologises. It can get to be a pattern.
I always wanted to get ds1 to address how his behaviour was affecting others openly by talking about it

fedupofnamechanging · 03/04/2011 15:51

Well, I wouldn't have let him out to play, for a start. If he doesn't give you your present, perhaps you should go out for lunch with your DH and DD and tell your son that since he doesn't want to celebrate mothers day, he can stay home with granny or a babysitter while the rest of the family does celebrate.

Honestly, you are taking too much shit off this child and not giving him any consequences. You are indulging him too much and if you don't put a stop to this, he will grow up to be rude and that will do him no good in adult life, where the people he meets won't all love him and make excuses for his behaviour.

Sorry OP, i know I am sounding very harsh and I don't want you to be more upset today than you already are, but I can see this getting worse if not nipped in the bud soon.

valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 15:56

My dh would've said 'Oi young man, don't shrug your shoulders at me, go and get your mother's present NOW'

If your ds is anything like mine it would be given with bad grace in the first instance, then dh would warn him again to do it properly or he wouldn't be going out to play today.

You say 'Oooooo thank you very much, just what I have always wanted' while ignoring the huffing and puffing from ds, then get on with your day Wink

Skinit · 03/04/2011 15:56

Olivetti....comments like that make me want to slap people. Yes they do "Hes in training to be a man!" YES HE IS! Which is why this behhaviour should not be accepted. His Dad needs to tell him what's what OP.

Removal of his things for being selfish is what should happen.

Skinit · 03/04/2011 15:57

When DH gets back he needs to have a VERY strong word with your DS....he is 12...way old enough to have empathy....he need telling.

thumbwitch · 03/04/2011 15:58

Trouble is though, if he's doing it deliberately TO get a reaction (same as when he calls his parents vile names) then to GIVE him a reaction is to satisfy whatever twisted need he has for it. So denying him that reaction would deflate him a little, surely.

I know what you're saying Pag - but I think the OP might have to just give up on getting the card and present this year entirely.

I also don't think that tit-for-tatting with your 12yo is a very mature way to go about dealing with it either.

Resentment though is a bugger of an emotion - very difficult to deal with at any age - and even being made to discuss whatever it is that might be causing it just adds to the resentment (experience talking here). If the 12yo is thinking that they are nearly adult status, then reducing them to toddler status again because that is how you see their behaviour might be a way forward - they probably don't want to be equated with a little child again when they're trying on their adult shoes.

valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 15:59

And OP you need to make sure you don't stop your dh intervening when need be. Your ds got away scot free AND got to go out and play!

thumbwitch · 03/04/2011 16:00

But he definitely needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable, including the name-calling! That needs to be stomped on.

raedrenn · 03/04/2011 16:00

I'd take the present off the door whilst your DS is out playing and then just act all normal about things (but not take any abusive crap). He'll be wondering what's going on and will either ask you what happened to it or just be very confused and wondering how his manipulative sulk backfired. Pre-teens can be wee poopers but try not to let it ruin your day :)

valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 16:01

raedren like your way of thinking! Grin

CheerfulYank · 03/04/2011 16:07

I don't think YABU. He's being spiteful and rude.

But as far as crying over it goes, my brother (who was a nasty boy his entire childhood) loved to see my mother upset. So try to be calm if you can.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it, especially on Mother's Day. Enjoy your present from your daughter!

Skinit · 03/04/2011 16:20

I think that''s a good idea raedrenn....it's not allowing him to manipulate. Putting him in his place a bit.

Pagwatch · 03/04/2011 16:23

Actually cheerful makes a good point. Op make sure your dd is not being over shadowed by her brothers behaviour.

Pagwatch · 03/04/2011 16:24
Grin

Sorry CY - the 'actually' makes it sound as if that is surprising. When it is not as you are very sensible and of course, nice.

psiloveyou · 03/04/2011 17:17

I can understand the principle behind ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good when they are 3. At 12 a child really should understand when they are hurting the feelings of someone they love.
I don't think this child's behaviour falls under the teenage hormones category.
I think he probably does know he has been a little shit but is embarrassed by his behaviour. At 12 though it is very hard to admit that. If his dad has a chat it will give him the chance to say sorry. If his behaviour gets ignored are you not tacitly approving it?.

KurriKurri · 03/04/2011 17:29

I think he knows he's hurting feelings - of course he does - that was his aim - that's exactly why I wouldn't make a fuss. Then he is left realising he went out on a limb hoping to cause a big argument (presumably during which he could tel you exactly why he didn't want to give you a present), but it hasn't worked because no one's interested in silly manipulation.

I still think you'll get the present when he's in a better frame of mind OP (I mean - what's he going to do with it?) possibly just put on your bed when you aren't around or something like that. That's the time to have a talk about his behaviour and how unnecessary it all was (because ultimately it made everyone feel bad him included).

Original poster
whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 17:48

It has all come to a head Sad ds came in for his dinner & i was a bit quiet with him , straight after dinner he told me he was going back out to play but i said no & that i wanted him to clean his bedroom & have a bath for school in the morning . He stormed off upstairs & came down with the card & present and threw them at the leg of the chair i was sitting on and shouted at me "is this why you are cranky" Shock well i'm sorry to say i lost my temper & picked up the card & gift and put them in the bin Sad ds went up to his room crying , i went straight after him to say i was sorry but he shouted at me that he didn't give me my card etc this morning because i am MEAN to him everyday making him wash his face & brush his hair & nagging him . Then he went out again to his friends . I feel terrible for losing my temper .

OP posts:
kaid100 · 03/04/2011 18:00

I think that his father should be being firm about this.

catinthehat2 · 03/04/2011 18:04

"i went straight after him to say i was sorry but he shouted at me that he didn't give me my card etc this morning becausei am MEAN to him everyday making him wash his face & brush his hair & nagging him . Then he went out again to his friends . I feel terrible for losing my temper"

er, isn't it time to take a hard look at yourself?

you've apologised to him
you've let him come up with all sorts of whining garbage about being hard done by for having to wash his face - at 12
you've let him go out again to play
and you're the one feeling terrible

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