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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very hurt & upset by ds

129 replies

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 12:32

Ds (12) has been a nightmare to live with lately , he can be very insulting & rude to both DH & myself Sad . While out shopping on Friday DH asked ds to go pick out a card for me for mothers day but ds refused saying "no i don't want to" (& walked out of the card shop) so DH ended up getting a card anyway & asking ds to write it out for me . DH also bought both dc's presents to hand me & flowers . DD gave me hers early this morning in front of ds but ds has not given me his gift even though its hanging on his bedroom door handle (where dh left it) & now he has gone out to play & i am sat here in tears Sad

OP posts:
ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 03/04/2011 18:04

Sorry, but he is being a proper little shit.

Why the hell do you feel terrible for losing your temper?

You should not have insisted that DH let it go this morning. You have clearly given him everything he wanted... but sadly, you have turned him into a spoilt little shit who thinks he can speak to you how he likes. His behaviour is disgraceful and there's not way on this earth that I'd be ignoring it or saying 'ah, he's 12'... do you want to live in your home with someone who speaks to you as he does? He's 12 you & DH need to start dealing with this ASAP.

You, DH & DS need to talk. Well, you both need to talk - he needs to listen.

usualsuspect · 03/04/2011 18:04

I think you should give him a hug and talk calmly to him when you have both calmed down

tell him you love him

he needs a way back in

catinthehat2 · 03/04/2011 18:07

can't imagine your DD is going to be too impressed at:

  1. brother behaving like arse " oh hahahah he's just in training to be a man"
  2. you rolling over on your back with 4 paws in the air saying "no no it's fine, really, all my fault"
RJRabbit · 03/04/2011 18:09

Poor you :(

unfitmother · 03/04/2011 18:10

Was it his idea to get confirmed?

Original poster
whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 18:15

I am a soft touch with him i know this but dh is a lot firmer with him than i am . I suppose thats why he treats me like this and not DH although he tries it on with dh too sometimes .
So what would you all do in this situation ?

OP posts:
glammanana · 03/04/2011 18:16

Unfortunatly 12yr old boys dont come programmed with a built in "be nice to
mum section" it dos I promise you come later,how much later I cant say
but it does come they wake up one morning and have changed into some
other being,both my boys where very obnoxious from 10ish til about 18 and one day there was a totally different boy (young man) so dont worry,he does love you loads but is embarressed to show it.

catinthehat2 · 03/04/2011 18:20

whatlies - it looks as if you are a very gentle sort of person, which is great, but does mean some people will take advantage.

in your sit, I would be thinking ahead - when he came back for tea, that would have been it for the night despite the predictable whining. No has to mean no when you say it.

Original poster
whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 18:28

yes i do find it hard to follow through on punishment Blush but ds threatens us with all sorts of things is we discipline him . Taking things away from him & grounding him just doesn't work with him .

OP posts:
heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 18:28

I'm with psiloveyou and pag (and others)

He just being plain spiteful because he can. I can clearly remeber the hormonal stage and losing it irrationally over things I couldn't remeber by the end of it. But I think being cold and calculated is something totally different.

I wouldn't be doing an all out party for anyone who doesn't have the decency to be grateful for it.

foundwanting · 03/04/2011 18:36

Hmm He is 12. Why don't your punishments work? You can't be enforcing them.

I asked my 12-year-old why someone his age would be like this to their mother. His answer: "He wants to hurt her." I asked him if he ever wanted to hurt me like that. His answer: "Yes. For about a day. When you wouldn't let me get Call of Duty."

Personally, I think you've got to get much tougher with him and, like other posters, I hope his crap behaviour isn't spoiling things for your DD.

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 18:37

My best friends 5yo is just like your DS now (and threatened to stab her today if she didn't do what her dc asked). I'm really worried now about 7 years time. Sad

catinthehat2 · 03/04/2011 18:38

"dh is a lot firmer with him than i am . I suppose thats why he treats me like this and not DH "

is that your answer? can you up your game to DH's level?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 03/04/2011 18:41

what sort of things does he threaten you with, Whatlies?

Pagwatch · 03/04/2011 18:45

Oh for goodness sake.
What gift do you think it is for him, to think that treating other people badly is fine.

Seriously op. Get a grip.

You are flapping about after him like a love lorn teenager.
It is not good for him for you to behave like this.

Talk to him about kindness and friendship. And stop being so drippy

elah11 · 03/04/2011 18:45

I have a 12 yr old ds and I would NEVER accept that kind of behaviour from him and neither would dh. Its not hormones or a phase or any other cop out phrase, its rudeness and disrespect. You are allowing him think its acceptable to call you names, throw your present at you and completely disregard your feelings. Do you really want that to be his attitude to women (or people in general) for the rest of his life? Sorry if that sounds harsh, I dont mean to be but for his sake and yours you need to step up and show him thats not acceptable behaviour!

activate · 03/04/2011 18:50

he sounds like a brat who needs some boundaries

and you are letting him treat you really badly which is not right for him or you

activate · 03/04/2011 18:51

don't understand why you let him go out again after that display Shock

glammanana · 03/04/2011 18:54

Agree 100% elah11 just hope that your 12yr old ds stays hormonal free
during his teenage years.Like I mentioned both my boys had "hiccups" and changed overnite,now 28 +36 fabulous men and serving forces both treat
women and people (especially me) with utmost respect

RitaMorgan · 03/04/2011 18:56

You don't punish him because he threatens you?

The whole relationship here sounds messed up - who is the adult and who is the child?

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 18:56

What Pag said at 18.45

psiloveyou · 03/04/2011 19:00

You are getting a tough time here op and it can't be great at home either. You really need to toughen up though. You obviously love your ds but you're not doing him any favours. Can you imagine the hell any future wife will go through with him (that's assuming he manages to find someone to put up with him).
I've got a adult dd who was a nightmare during her teenage years. But I can honestly say she has never once raised her voice, called me names (under her breath though I'm sure) or sworn in front of me or dh. She always knew she wouldn't get away with it.
When your dh comes home and when everyone has calmed down you all need to talk. Tell him his behaviour is not acceptable. Tell him what the consequences will be to any further nastiness, and hard though it is mean what you say.

GilmoreGeek · 03/04/2011 19:00

I know it's other's day and you probably just wanted a nice day but you really really need to 'man up' (hate the expression but can't come up with anything else right now).
HIs behaviour is ridiculous and you know it. He is 12 for god's sake! WHat do you mean your punishments don't work? Of course they do. He doesn't help you, you don't help him (don't give in and drive him to sports practice or whatever.He is nasty to you you say: 'with such a nasty behaviour I don't trust you to be nice to other people, you will not be able to meet your friends'. And that's it. DO NOT GIVE IN.

Why did you allow him to go back out? If I would have done that after my mum saying no you can be sure I would not go out for at least 2 weeks afterwards because obviously I can not be trusted!

Gently · 03/04/2011 19:01

Dear lord, go and get him inside now. Tell him he's coming in, and mean it. Why are you letting him make these decisions to over-rule you? He's going to turn into the most unpleasant adult if you don't do something about it soon.

GilmoreGeek · 03/04/2011 19:02

Oh and I don't mean to be nasty here myself but honestly, you are not doing him any favours to allow him to do whatever he wants. Really really not. This is more than a problem with not giving you a present on mother's day, this goes much deeper. I hope you are ok!

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