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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very hurt & upset by ds

129 replies

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 12:32

Ds (12) has been a nightmare to live with lately , he can be very insulting & rude to both DH & myself . While out shopping on Friday DH asked ds to go pick out a card for me for mothers day but ds refused saying "no i don't want to" (& walked out of the card shop) so DH ended up getting a card anyway & asking ds to write it out for me . DH also bought both dc's presents to hand me & flowers . DD gave me hers early this morning in front of ds but ds has not given me his gift even though its hanging on his bedroom door handle (where dh left it) & now he has gone out to play & i am sat here in tears

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 03/04/2011 14:25

sorry, i meant to put as well that yanbu to be hurt by it, but in the grand scheme of things i really don't think it's a big dela

doormat · 03/04/2011 14:37

whatlies plz trust me when my eldest son was around that age he didnt want to know me, called me nasty names and sometimes still does lol...but today he has posted o n my fb wall how much he loves me and brought me a lovely mothers day cake...he is 17

my youngest son is 10 and been just like ur son today..dh took him out yesterday for a card and gift, all he got was an xbox 360 game for himself lol....he didnt give a toss about mothers day.....he will come back to u yano....in his own time...and when that day comes you will be over the moon.....

Original poster

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 14:49

That made me cry again doormat (in a nice way) lol

I can understand at his age he has lost interest in shopping for things like this which is why DH has done it for him , but the fact that the gift/card is hanging there on his bedroom door & he can not even be bothered to hand it to me feels like a major insult from him & thats what has really upset me . I really don't know what we have done to make him like this .

OP posts:

Ragwort · 03/04/2011 14:54

Seriously, you are over worrying about this, I am sure there are lots of kids who are just totally self centred (at least you have memories of him being nice ) - I could hear my DH pleading with my DS (10) to give me my card and gift this morning (both bought by DH) - he threw them on the bed at me! We are going out for a meal later and I know he will be pretty bad company - DH and I have just gone out alone for a lovely walk. Lots and lots of children are only interested in themselves and life revolving around them - I am sure it is not personal.

midori1999 · 03/04/2011 14:54

Try not to take it too much to heart. I personally think they whip boy soff when they get to about 12, give them a personality disorder, then remove it again once they get a bit older. (or not in a few cases!) My wonderful, wonderful son turned into something unbearable at that age and at almost 15 is only just coming out the other side now, although he still has his moments.

It's nothing personal at all, it really is just his age. Can you go and buy yourself some chocs to cheer yourself up?

doormat · 03/04/2011 14:59

whatlies you have done nothing hun...all you have done is to be hurt and gutted because your son is going through a phase...boys usually always do this and its us mums who feel the pain as they are and always will be are little boys lol xxx

go n chill sweetie and relax....enjoy the rest of mothers day xxx

coincidently my 17yods has just informed me he is moving out and going to live with his eldest sister.....am gutted but at same time he is learning to stand on his own 2 feet and i just have to be there to support him...

even though he is my 4th child to move out....it still is gutting....

Original poster

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 14:59

at having memories of him being nice .
Yes i know you are all right , my head is saying "little sod , ignore him" but my heart is saying " oh he must hate me to do this" I am a big softie & so is he (deep down) .
It doesn't help i am stuck at home dwelling on it while DH went to work & DD is sick .

OP posts:

psiloveyou · 03/04/2011 15:03

Sorry but I think he is being a nasty little brat. I'd be really upset as well if I was treated like. Someone needs to be giving him a serious talk about empathy. Of course teenagers are horrible and hormonal but that is pushing it too far. He had the present bought for him the only effort he had to make was in giving it to the op with a smile. Not too much to ask in my book.
op I'm sure you are a brilliant mum, go cuddle your dd and have a nice . Try not to take it to heart. I really do think that on whatever the special day is next week he needs reminding of how hurtful it is to be treated like this.

thumbwitch · 03/04/2011 15:06

If he smirked when DD handed you her present then he is hoping for you to react to him not giving you his. You can choose to frustrate this by refusing to notice that he hasn't given anything to you. Your DH should by now have taken him up on it, tbh - but it's up to you whether or not you think that's a good idea - I think it's a bad one because forcing him to hand over a present/card will just make his resentment worse.

If you can manage to ignore it and carry on as normal, that would probably be the best route to go. It might even make him feel a bit silly for being so petty.

Whatever his big day is on Friday, do you have to do something special for him/it? I would ask him about it when he comes in from playing - ask him what he wants to do - be very nice and giving about the day. He might then decide that it would be ok to give you the things he has for you - but he might not of course!

TattyDevine · 03/04/2011 15:07

Just keep working on your relationship with him and dont let gifts get in the way of that.

KurriKurri · 03/04/2011 15:08

I think you should be 'unconcerned', using the with holding of gifts to hurt someone is a bit manipulative IMO. (Not saying he's not a lovely boy but this bit of behaviour isn't very kind). I would guess for some reason he's upset with you/life/ being 12 at the moment and he wants to let you know. If you ignore, treat him pleasantly, my guess is he will eventually give you his gift (possibly a couple of days late and rather sheepishly)

He doesn't hate you at all (obviously) but teenagers are by nature un empathetic (changes happening in their brains make them so), and there's not a great deal they can do to 'punish' parents for perceived wrongs, so they will pick whatever thing they think they can get to you with.

Chin up - he will come out the other side of teenagerdom

RunAwayWife · 03/04/2011 15:11

My 14 year old (and 10 year old) brought me breakfast in bed, flowers, cards and I was taken to lunch, it is not "oh he is 12" it is he is being a spiteful little git.
Forget whatever is special about next Friday and see how he likes it

Pagwatch · 03/04/2011 15:16

I am with psiloveyou.
If ds1 had done this, dh would have sat him down for the talk

' What are you doing here? What is going on that you would be so silly?
how would you like it...what exactly are you trying to achieve here other than being pretty selfish. Do you want to explain yourself or do you want to continue to behave like a three year old. If there is some good reason for this then tell me now because i can not understand why you would be so petty and mean spirited,
Go and think about it. Then in half an hour come and find your mum, give her the gift I bought for you and do so with a skittering of kindness. Then we can start again and forget this - that would be good wouldn't it?
You have backed yourself into a corner here. You are being a pillock but you can reign it back. Go and chose"

All this ' it's their hormones' is fair enough but it is not a free ride to be a twat. Not at 12.

Original poster

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 15:19

Next Friday is his Confirmation Day (catholic) I am taking 21 people out for dinner on the day to ds's favourite hotel & then having a big party for him at home on the Saturday . He has picked out 2 special - made to order Cakes (1 for the hotel & 1 for the party at home) so yes we have gone all out for him for next week . He is Our PFB & has everything he has ever wanted .

OP posts:

GilmoreGeek · 03/04/2011 15:21

Could that be the problem? That he has everything he wants and even gets away with being this nasty to his mum?

I think I was a teenager from hell sometimes but not even handing you the card is being nasty on purpose, so not just being hormonal. Saying something mean sometimes, behaving irrational,... all that can be put down to being 12 and hormonal but being nasty on purpose? Your husband seriously needs to talk to him!

SherlockMoans · 03/04/2011 15:24

Its the age! My 10 year old started out lovely this morning - I had a bought card and my youngest (8) had made me one too. 10 year old decided he needed to make one, rushed off and did it...all very sweet.

Roll on 2 hours later he went into teen mode apparently I have "ruined every day of his life", he ripped up and binned the card and went to sulk on the drive!!

I have promised retribution tomorrow - I refuse to spoil today any further.

louloudia · 03/04/2011 15:25

my OH wouldnt allow my boys to get away with calling us names, nor would i

thankfully they have never been that awful :)

valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 15:26

OP try and remind yourself that YOU are the adult and it's in a 12 yr old's job description to be a holy terror. Please don't waste your time crying over wether a 12 year old gave you a present or not. Seriously, chin up :)

psiloveyou · 03/04/2011 15:27

He is our PFB & has everything he has ever wanted

Think you might have your answer there op

valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 15:33

OP what do you and your dh do when your ds calls you disgusting names?

Bossymother · 03/04/2011 15:36

Don't be upset with him.
Ignore it and whatever you do, don't let him see it upsets you.
As others have said, he is ONLY 12, even though you might view it differently, especially if he is the oldest child.
Adolescence is a rotten time for some kids. They're between a rock and a hard place.
My son is now 18. He is still a jekyll and hyde and struggling with the growing up process but underneath it all he is a loving kind boy. (even though there are times when i forget he has that side!)
He, (and probably your son too) remembers any horrible thing I have said to him(yes I haven't always reacted as I should have) in the past but nothing of all his bad treatment of me.
I wish I hadn't expected adult controlled and rational behavior from him when he was 12> and not made a big deal of his 'pushing boundaries' behavior. Usually any nastiness was directed at me but so was the loving treatment too.
Learn from my experience, give your boy a cuddle and make a joke of his stroppy behavior.
Have a lovely rest of the day and resist over emphasizing it all.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/04/2011 15:37

I know teenagers can be self absorbed, but this is nasty, rude behaviour. I would not tolerate this from my children. If you don't reel him in now, he will think that he can just do whatever the hell he wants and the rest of his teenage years will be hellish for you.

I agree that your DH should have the talk that Pagwatch suggested, but i would go further. If he doesn't start behaving like a decent human being towards you, I would cancel his parties on Saturday. He doesn't deserve to be rewarded for this behaviour and it is up to you to ensure he has good manners and learns that he cannot just do this and for there to be no consequences.

catinthehat2 · 03/04/2011 15:37

it is not "oh he is 12" it is he is being a spiteful little git.
All this ' it's their hormones' is fair enough but it is not a free ride to be a twat. Not at 12.
not even handing you the card is being nasty on purpose, so not just being hormonal

I'm with these I'm afraid. No requirement at all to rise above it. YANBU.

valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 15:43

Oh just to clarify - I tend to agree with catinthehat although I wouldn't be wasting my time crying over a 12 year old, I WOULD be punishing them when they are rude and disrespectful. Yes, teens are chock full of hormones etc and they ARE like Jekyl and Hyde most of the time, but it is up to us as parents to show them that that sort of behaviour is just not on. I spend my life asking my 9 year old to remember his bloody manners at the moment. In fact I am finding this age more challenging than when he was a toddler!

thumbwitch · 03/04/2011 15:44

He IS being a spiteful little git - but ignoring it has to be better than rising to it, surely? Like you would with a toddler?

In fact if he's going to have a toddler tantrum, I'd be tempted to treat him like a toddler and tell him that I was doing so.

He does sound spoilt and it may be that you need to take a firmer stance on the situation, both you AND your DH, OP.

Re. the confirmation stuff - I wouldn't cancel the parties but I'd think twice about having both the cakes.

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