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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH how we're going to handle MIL's smoking

104 replies

HormonalANDLivid · 02/04/2011 22:32

Long story cut short. 36 weeks pregnant and just had BLAZING row with DH about his DM's smoking. AIBU in expecting him to intervene if she turns up stinking of smoke and expecting a cuddle off baby? Apparently, I'm just being a hypothetical drama queen - granted I'm hormonal, but I really don't want my DD curled up breathing in stale cigarette smoke that according to DH will be non-existant. He says MIL is not stupid - she's not - and I know she won't smoke in the same room as baby, but what if she has one on the way over to visit??? Somebody detached please provide me with sound advice. AIBU???? Seeing red, pacing the floor and still spoiling for a row, me.

OP posts:

louloudia · 02/04/2011 22:33

dont blame you OP, but dont know how to tackle it

consultant was on radio saying even if you dont smoke in front of kids, the particles cling to the clothes/skin and it really does make a difference, so stick to your guns

hardhatdonned · 02/04/2011 22:34

I can't i'm afraid as i have been in your position.

Sometimes you have to compromise and allow her a few short cuddles on the proviso no smoking is done in a confined space around baby. Baby will have far worse on a walk down the road inhaling car fumes and other peoples cigerette smoke than a cuddle with granny.

Inertia · 02/04/2011 22:35

YANBU. You need to insist she ask her to change her top, wash her hands and wait 20 minutes . My mum smokes and I dreaded this argument, but she always respected our views on this and it wasn't an issue.

Mare11bp · 02/04/2011 22:35

YANBU.

Believe the advice is that after a fag smokers need to steer clear of babies for 20 mins.

A problem I have with my mother, and my DP to a lesser extent.

Arguably it's your baby and you do things your way but I appreciate the practice is rather different and it doesn't take much to get a smoker's back up IMO.

Mamaz0n · 02/04/2011 22:37

YABU.

She will smell of smoke for about 2 hours after her last ciggerette. Unless you are intending to order her to give up entirely then she will smell of smoke.

so you have two options. A- ban her from smoking or B- ban her from seeing your child.

It is less than ideal i understand but tbh you have very little choice.

Original poster

HormonalANDLivid · 02/04/2011 22:38

I get teh 20mins thing MAre11bp, but what about it lingering on her person? That's what's getting my back up. DH says he rarely smells it on her, but then he doesn't have his face nuzzled up to her top, does he?? And I don't want to end up having to come out and say something as the atmosphere created will be horrific ...

OP posts:

BlueAmy · 02/04/2011 22:39

What about asking her to wear an extra layer if she's going to smoke on the way over to you? Then she can remove it when she gets to you and have a quick cuddle with your DD?

YANBU btw, but you will have to find a compromise unless you want to start WW3.

Fab123 · 02/04/2011 22:40

When I smoked and visited friends babies I was respectfully asked to wash hands if I wanted to touch them, which I happily did. If you explain that particles linger and can be transferred then anyone who cares for you or baby will respect that :)

yummybump · 02/04/2011 22:40

Oh god i didn't realise it stays on you for 20mins"and can still be damaging to LO" OH smokes and then picks our LO up sometimes straight after washing his hands..........

Original poster

HormonalANDLivid · 02/04/2011 22:41

Do you want to be my MIL Fab123?

OP posts:

crazypanda · 02/04/2011 22:41

i think you are right to feel that way,i remember when iwas in hospital after having my twins and visitors could not pick the babies up,if they had'nt washed their hands,so you should get this point over to your dh,don't back down,a baby does'nt have a choice not to be picked up by a smoker.

alistron1 · 02/04/2011 22:41

As long as you are never going to transport your kid in a car*, or take it outside YANBU.

I don't smoke, but sheesh...there are nasty particulates everywhere and as long as she is not going to be chuffing on a fag whilst holding your baby then I can't see the problem.

*Particulate levels inside cars are far more harmful than granny holding your baby a couple of hours after having a fag.

worraliberty · 02/04/2011 22:42

Just tell her to wash her hands and there should be no problem.

Other than that, make sure you prevent everyone from wearing perfume, aftershave and any strong smelling fabric softeners that you also don't like the smell of.

Fab123 · 02/04/2011 22:43

And I think the extra layer is a good idea too - or perhaps keep a spare jumper or cardi for her at yours that she can cover up with while she holds bubs and then you can wash as you like?

catchmeifyoucan · 02/04/2011 22:44

Hysteria. I really despair at the hysteria of some MN'ers.

Fab123 · 02/04/2011 22:47

Hey everyone has their own pregnancy "things". I'm 25 weeks myself and was horrified to hear an acquaintance confide that she still has a joint a week at 16 weeks! I gave up smoking and felt terrible when I slipped up a few times after my partner left. I'm already wondering if I'd let her babysit mine tbh, and we had been getting closer, obviously due to being pregnant at the same time. I don't think it's unreasonable to be over protective and over think these issues - hopefully it's a natural part of us getting ready for motherhood :)

Original poster

HormonalANDLivid · 02/04/2011 22:47

I appreciate I'm a hormonal nightmare, and there often is no reasoning with a heavily pregnant woman which is why I've aired it all here - am I being justifiably hotheaded or not?? To me, there's no stronger emotion than maternal instinct and that constant need to protect, protect, protect and at this juncture, I literally cannot help the way I feel.

OP posts:

adamschic · 02/04/2011 22:47

I think you should listen to your DP. The smell of a cigarette on someone isn't as bad as people make out and disappears fairly quickly.

I think you are being precious tbh. I am saying this as someone who has given up smoking recently. My DN doesn't smoke and she never asked me not to hold her baby when I did smoke, as she has a brain and has weighed up the risks by using it rather than listening to anti-smokers who have their own agenda when frightening people with facts that might not be proved.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2011 22:47

OP... I can understand that you're upset about this but I think you're being hysterical and well OTT. You need to calm down and think about this rationally. Yes, cigarette smoke stinks, it does, we all know that, but what are the actual risks to your child if your MIL has a cigarette walking over to your house, washes her hands and then cuddles your baby?

You can't force her to give up and it would be very rude of you to make her feel so uncomfortable and unworthy of touching her grandchild. You really do need to tread carefully and treat your MIL with respect, the baby is not just yours it is also your DH's and that is his mother you're livid and fuming with. Do you really want to cause such an atmosphere that your relationships with your DH's family are damaged beyond repair? Really?

Lots of people smoked when I was a kid and there were no long lasting effects other than a moment or two unpleasantness when great wafts of smoke would be in the room, but since the non-smoking 'norm', this isn't such a problem. You can always wash your baby and change its clothes when your MIL has gone home.

Please have a thought for your DH as well... I'd be furious with you if you started laying down the law the way your OP reads. I know you're pregnant but honestly, don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles.

DuelingFanjo · 02/04/2011 22:50

In my experience men are funny about their mums, Sounds like he's taken your concern to be some slight agains his mother in particular. I get this from my DH (not over smoking, I've not ever gone there) and specially as I tend to over think and create issues well in advance of them happening. I'd say try not to get to stressed and give her a chance to prove she's not stupid. Then if she turns up stinking of fags you can say something to your DH straight afterwards when it's obvious she's unaware of the guidelines.

reading this has made me a bit meh about the people who come to see us and handle my son :(

worraliberty · 02/04/2011 22:51

I understand the hormone thing and the maternal instinct BUT you have to try to be logic and sensible too especially where family and friends are concerned.

As someone said there are a lot of harmful particles and many different things out there that aren't exactly good for babies, but really you need to research and make your mind up if they're worth all the worry you may bring upon yourself.

You could argue that many hospitals are dirty and germ ridden, you could worry the hell out of yourself about MRSA and the likes...but at the end of the day there are more immediate and more 'likely' events/scenarios to worry yourself over.

HaggisNeepsnTatties · 02/04/2011 22:51

If you feel that strongly make sure you ask all health practitioners (nurses,doctors, midwives, health visitors, surgeons) if they smoke before they come into contact with you. You don't want to take any chances......

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2011 22:53

I think the way some posters talk about strangers and even family, they are lucky to have anybody at all who even looks at their precious offspring, nevermind touch them. The worst thing is, the child doesn't get to choose and has to live with the neurotic decisions of its mother.

Original poster

HormonalANDLivid · 02/04/2011 22:53

Thanks LyingWitch. A voice of reason amongst the sea of strong opinions. Could have done with you an hour ago. Only issue is that I don't know the answer to the question in your first paragraph? Is there a risk? I know it's not just my baby - does me no harm to be reminded every now and then though...

OP posts:

Fab123 · 02/04/2011 22:56

Hormonal we double posted. Don't worry too much about this at the moment. Perhaps suggest the washing hands thing (in a pleasant way) and then see how it goes when baby arrives. It's not worth stressing over, even though I can see why small things like this are probably grating as you get closer to D-day...just had a sudden wash of panic myself about all the things I'M worrying about!...But your MIL should be someone who can potentially help you in those difficult times, and especially early on. Try to remember that and maybe imagine how you will feel with your grandchild and broach it with her from that angle. Ie. excited, loving, caring and eager to please (hopefully), therefore i'm sure if you broach this in the nicest way poss then she'll be happy to wash hands at least.
You can tackle the cardi issue when she arrives that first time
Now, have a chocolate banana for that heartburn and get some shut eye :)

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