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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH how we're going to handle MIL's smoking

104 replies

HormonalANDLivid · 02/04/2011 22:32

Long story cut short. 36 weeks pregnant and just had BLAZING row with DH about his DM's smoking. AIBU in expecting him to intervene if she turns up stinking of smoke and expecting a cuddle off baby? Apparently, I'm just being a hypothetical drama queen - granted I'm hormonal, but I really don't want my DD curled up breathing in stale cigarette smoke that according to DH will be non-existant. He says MIL is not stupid - she's not - and I know she won't smoke in the same room as baby, but what if she has one on the way over to visit??? Somebody detached please provide me with sound advice. AIBU???? Seeing red, pacing the floor and still spoiling for a row, me.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2011 22:56

give her a pinny to wear to stop the toxins - ghad knows really how you tackle soemthing like this without coming across as the UR one - and yet if she didn't smoke it wouldn't be an issue.

Lots of people smoked when my mum was a kid - she died of cancer never having had a smoke can someone say 100% sure that it wasn't the smoking when she was a dc?

thing is chidlren breath quicker than adults and that is why passive smoking and inhalation is a problem more so with dc as they breath quicker they breath more in than an adult so it is more dangerous.

BlueAmy · 02/04/2011 22:57

I don't think this is actually sweating the small stuff....

OP is not saying MIL can't hold the baby, just that the smoking is handled so that the smell and bad stuff doesn't transfer onto the baby. It would be entirely reasonable for OP to just set some ground rules. Some people do go OTT with hygiene (etc) around babies (for eg, someone I know won't let anyone touch their DD without using hand gel....the DD being several months old and probably putting all manner of crap in her own mouth by now) but smoking is something else.

OP, it would be sensible to stand your ground now in a nice way, rather than having a confrontation and the standoff ruining the introduction of your baby to her family. No reasonable GM would prioritise her smoking over her GD. If she is sensible herself, she will make allowances without being asked.

louloudia · 02/04/2011 22:59

The smell of a cigarette on someone isn't as bad as people make out and disappears fairly quickly.

blimey the times i have had to discreetly put my hand over my nose when someone visits my office, or i pass someone in the supermarket and thought jesus christ

you are deluding yourself if you think smokers dont stink, cos they flaming well do

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2011 23:02

Hormonal... I really don't think there is a great risk. Your MIL is going to love the baby and will not want to harm him or her, is she? People didn't wash their hands in my childhood and often used to hold us, carry us and touch us whilst smokng a cigarette. Tmes have changed and your baby isn't going to be at risk, I really don't think so anyway. I could probably dig out a raft of medical opinions for you but for every one there's an opposing one and you'd drive yourself mad.

Honestly... it's more important that you calm down and think of ways you can reduce the smell if it's that important to you. Your MIL would be so very hurt and I don't think it's worth it if you have a good relationship with her (and your DH). :)

squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 23:04

Its a good job my mum wasnt like this when I was a kid, or I would never have had a cuddle. All my grandparent smoked, all my aunts and uncles smoked, and my dad smoked. In the house too! (shock horror!!).

I am now 42 years old, with no breathing problems, and have never had any.

wubblybubbly · 02/04/2011 23:06

YANBU but I'm afraid I don't have any good advice.

My son comes back from my mother's house stinking of cigarette smoke. She doesn't smoke in the same room as him, but it permeates everywhere.

She won't even come to our home to see her only grandchild, as she can't smoke here. It's too much trouble to go out into the garden

She's the only grandparent he has and he loves her to bits. I'd love to be more firm but I honestly think she'd rather not see him than do without a cigarette

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2011 23:06

IvyKaty.. I'm very sorry about your Mum but you really can't know what the trigger was or when. It's just a terribly sad thing for anybody to die of cancer or anything else really.

I don't agree with your breathing statement and I think it's more likely to cause the OP to worry unnecessarily when she's already very wound up.

Nobody is going to be smoking in front of this baby so the risks are already much reduced. So MIL's clothes might smell a bit, they probably will, but what risk is that to the baby or anybody else, really?

GreenEyesandHam · 02/04/2011 23:08

I've mentioned this before, but my mum smoked when she breastfed me. I mean, actually in the act of breastfeeding me.

I survived, albeit with a strong dislike of smoking so maybe it was a good thing

Cheers mum

wubblybubbly · 02/04/2011 23:08

I agree louloudia.

When I take DS to Grandma's, when she opens the front door, I can smell the smoke from the bottom of the drive. I really am not exaggerating.

squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 23:08

Can I just add, the smell I hated as a small child was perfume, heavy stinking floral perfume smells, and I am quite sure that inhaling the cloying stench of strong perfume is probably very damaging to a child too.

adamschic · 02/04/2011 23:14

Well I'm now a non smoker and can say that it's not as bad as people used to say/tease me about when I smoked. I'm not deluded and I have a nose the same as anyone.

GreenEyesandHam · 02/04/2011 23:17

Sorry but while I can cope with the smell of smokING, the smell of smoke (stale or 'fresh') is absolutely stomach turning to me

GreenEyesandHam · 02/04/2011 23:18

On a person, I mean

Original poster

HormonalANDLivid · 02/04/2011 23:19

Well, I've just had a shower and a beloved peppermint tea and apologised to DH for flying off the handle as I did. I am concerned still over it, but the fire in my belly has fizzled out. For now at least. DH is at least aware of how strongly I feel so will know doubt be plotting some sort of action plan should the issue arise in reality (he's a good egg, really).

I will say squeakytoy that my parents smoked as we were growing up and both my sister and I have terrible asthma and recurring winter bronchiolitis so I can't use the 'it did me no harm' thing. Both parents gave up 15yrs ago and are now rather amusingly more anti-smoking than I. Better late than never

Yes, some of you may view my opinion as hysteria or think I'm nothing but an easily led victim of scare-mongering, but I just think that fundamentally I'm doing my job as a mother - protecting and nurturing. If I'm not going to look out for her and have her best interests at heart, well she's buggered quite simply.

Thanks all.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 02/04/2011 23:19

I don't think it's hysterical at all. Risks aside, I would not want my newborn stinking of cigarettes. My grandmother smoked and everything reeked of fags. Luckily she was the last person in the family to smoke so it was a bridge I never had to cross. But really, you take back your new baby and all you can smell is fags? Lovely.

helendigestives · 02/04/2011 23:19

Sometimes I walk past a smoker and the smell is astounding; other times someone lights up and I realise I hadn't known they were a smoker. It can depend on the brand.

When my DP comes in from having a cigarette he smells really nice.

worraliberty · 02/04/2011 23:22

Lots of things stink...garlic, spices, curry, perfumes...the list is endless. It's not just confined to fag smoke.

If your baby ends up smelling of smoke having been cuddled by Grandma (who has washed her hands)...well I'm sure you're going to bath your baby and change its clothes anyway?

porcamiseria · 02/04/2011 23:23

calm down, please. just nicely ask that when the baby is newborn especially that she refrains from smoking for at least an hour before seeing him. get DH to say it. what do you think will happen, really? the risks are actually very low. youy baby will not drop dead of SID if a smoker cuddles them......

worraliberty · 02/04/2011 23:24

If I'm not going to look out for her and have her best interests at heart, well she's buggered quite simply

I understand your mindset but please don't alienate your child's Grandmother and possibly prevent a brilliant relationship, over what is after all the smell of smoke on Granny's clothes.

ledkr · 02/04/2011 23:25

Am i right in asuming the op means the risk of sids and other related problems for he baby and not merely the smell? Its easy to be blase if its not your baby,mine is 7 weeks and has lots of health probs not least a cleft palate which pre dispositions her to glue ear,lots of my family and friends are smokers and i love them all dearly but the smoke particals on clothes can exasperate glue ear and i dont see why i should risk that just to keep people happy,everyone has been happy to wash hands etc,my mum always uses her nicorette plastic fag for a few hrs before visits,you cant totally eliminate it but you can reduce it as much as possible,i think just have a word with mil and im sure she will be fine.

catchmeifyoucan · 02/04/2011 23:25

I'd rather stink of fags than piss and cats and that is a fact.

hairfullofsnakes · 02/04/2011 23:25

Well I think this is a battle worth picking and yanbu at all for not wanting your baby to be picked up by someone who stinks of cigs. Studies have shown this is dangerous to the baby haven't they? Your dh is the one being unreasonable. I never ever let anyone who smoked (including my father) hold my baby if they had smoked. This is about a little baby and you are right to not want them inhaling stinky smoke smells.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2011 23:27

LWAW.. No we don't know, but you said it hasn't harmed you - how the hell do you know whether it has harmed you or not, you come out with a statement of absolute rubbish as you have no idea any more than I do.

yet study after study proves beyone doubt that secondary smoking causes cancer.

The breathing isn't my opinion I am afraid, it has been tested and due to the breathing quicker carbon monoxide levels rose in dc more than adults The clothes is also a problem - again not my opinion.

Years ago we didn't know these things - but we don't live years ago and now we have the information it is up to us how we use that informaton - smoking is dangerous to those people around that smoker. Yes there are other dangers, car fumes, but just because car fumes are dangerous we don't ignore other dangers like smoking as there are lots of dangers so lets ignore all of them would be a silly way to carry on. You sensibly sort out the dangers you can sort out and minimise risks to a certain degree. How you tackle a MIL that smokes I don't know as neither my mum nor MIL smoked

hairfullofsnakes · 02/04/2011 23:28

There are risks to a baby if someone smells of cigarettes - there have been a lot of studies.

HaggisNeepsnTatties · 02/04/2011 23:28

Hairfullofsnakes - what studies?

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