To ask DH how we're going to handle MIL's smoking

[HormonalANDLivid]

Long story cut short. 36 weeks pregnant and just had BLAZING row with DH about his DM's smoking. AIBU in expecting him to intervene if she turns up stinking of smoke and expecting a cuddle off baby? Apparently, I'm just being a hypothetical drama queen - granted I'm hormonal, but I really don't want my DD curled up breathing in stale cigarette smoke that according to DH will be non-existant. He says MIL is not stupid - she's not - and I know she won't smoke in the same room as baby, but what if she has one on the way over to visit??? Somebody detached please provide me with sound advice. AIBU???? Seeing red, pacing the floor and still spoiling for a row, me.

Been very unenlightening reading this yet again. Same arguments, same lack of proof.

Am off for a fag.

Op, your baby, your rules. Just rules out having mil to baby sit though.

Ivy, despite numerous studies, it has not been proved that third hand smoke is any more dangerous than any other substance in the air or lying as a residue. There is NO evidence at all to back up the claims. Every single "study" will say "may" "could" etc, but none have actually got actual proof.

squeaky - proove it then, find evidence that it doesn't cause harm

It's not down to Squeaky to prove is it?

It's down to the experts to actually come up with proof that it does cause harm.

So far despite years of research and millions of pounds spent, no-one has actually managed to do this.

It's not just about second hand smoke, though. It's also about third hand smoke.

Here:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8503870.stm

More research does need to be done but I think that, in the meantime, it would be prudent to err on the side of caution. I am expecting DC2 soon and I have already explained to my sister and BIL that they will have to wash hands, clean teeth and wait for quite a while before holding DC. They are absolutely fine with it because they respect my decision and want to do what's best for DC. My step-grandmother's house is absolutely awful in terms of smoke smell - she smokes at least 20 a day. My mum, who has asthma, is affected very soon after she enters the house. For this reason, after birth of DC1 I invited SG to visit us at my mum's house, but wouldn't take baby round (was honest about why). I don't think I asked her to wash her hands though, but I would do this time (more confident second time round!)

And before anyone accuses me of being a smoker-basher - yes, I used to work for Macmillan Cancer Support, but I also used to smoke, before having DC1 (and did have a relapse last year :( So, I do understand what it's like to be addicted, how difficult it is to give up, etc.

OP, I don't think YABU at all. Just explain to DH, who can explain to MIL, that in light of the evidence currently available, these are the steps you'll be taking until further evidence suggests that you can stop taking these steps. Surely they both want what's best for your DC.

Congratulations btw, and good luck!

sorry, x posts re mention of third hand smoke.

I am expecting DC2 soon and I have already explained to my sister and BIL that they will have to wash hands, clean teeth and wait for quite a while before holding DC

Clean their teeth???????

Are you expecting them to chew your child?

They will prove it, evenutally, I'm fairly sure of that. It's just a matter of time.

In the meantime, some people will look at the current research and be convinced by it, others might require absolute guarantees before they'll accept a link.

I really don't that makes anyone hysterical.

Haven't read all this but wanted to write. Our youngest grandchildren are twins. We moved 2400 miles to be near, and we visited lots when they were newborn, still do, of course. My husband smokes a lot. He reeks of it. He always changed his shirt before visiting babies. Smoking is associated with SIDS, and we wouldn't do anything that might harm babies.

Wish he'd quit smoking. My Dad died of lung cancer. Rolled his own cigarettes in my childhood,, no filters.

3rd hand smoke, what a joke!

YABU. Understandably, but still unreasonable.

Wubblybubbly. Very sensible, concise post! People took a long time to be convinced of the dangers of first hand smoke ...

As someone who worked with cancer patients, read loads of research reports etc, I have decided that I will take precautions, especially when it comes to my children. Not hysterical about it, but just careful.

Thanks creme.

My Dad died of cancer aged 60. I was diagnosed with cancer aged 42.

I'm thinking perhaps there's something in our genetic make up which might make us predisposed to developing cancer, but no-one can tell me what caused my cancer.

I really don't think there is anything hysterical in taking steps to avoid any unneccesary risks when it comes to my 4 year old son.

why are people getting defensive about this?
Are you smokers oh defensive ones?
I am a social smoker with some smoking close family and i jsut dont see the point of risking it when its so easy not to.
My baby is 7wks and is a noisy sleeper,how id love to put her in her own room but current advice says not to so i dont,the same as i ask smokers to not be too smokey around her so wash hands take off the top coat/layer they smoked in etc.Most do it without asking.
It shouldnt annoy a person anymore than if you asked them not to smoke around them when you explain the advice has changed.
WE had a little get together the other day and i couldnt have a smoke cos i knew i would be in close contact with her shortly after for bedtime.My smoking family members had a cuddle before they had a cigarette.No body has been offended or annoyed cos they know i am just doing the best for my child as they would do.Its just an unecessary risk.imho.
If you think its ott then dont enforce it with your babies,but dont have a go at other people who do.

make her stand outside and look at the baby through the window

i smoke and got a nephew who is 12 weeks, 6 weeks corrected age (what ever that means) i tend to put a thick coat on and go outside then wash my hands after.

i don't have a problem doing this, btw my sister has never even asked anyone to do this surley it's common sense

yanbu

but I could never imagine asking a smoker to change/wash without feeling completely embarrassed suggesting it..a tough one!

yanb at all u, i am a reformed smoker gave up before i got pregnant with ds 1 never looked back, we all know the risks to baby, i don't let anyone who has had a cigarrett hold mine until at least an hour afterwards, the smell lingers, then the little one gets to breathe it in, if this makes me neurotic then so be it, really don't think some of the sarcastic replies are of any help, smoking and children don't mix, i wouldn't let a smoker look after my children either, and yes they are precious.

third hand smoke. I love it.

The answer is clearly divorce. being married to someone who has a relative who smokes is irresponsible. Even if they work in a place with others who might have smoked before work the smoke 'virus' can be carried home. Going shopping is a bad idea too as those people in the shop may have smoked recently.

If you think you have been exposed to smoke the best thing is to kneel down by a car and take a deep breath of exhaust fumes. Because cars are necessary their fumes are good for you and drive out the 'bad' smoke virus

I think there is something on the sids leaflet that you are given after giving birth. can you give that to your mil?

You're not being unreasonable to be considering the issues now - get the situation sorted before the baby arrives and you become a sleep-deprived bag of hormones (as opposed to "just" hormonal...)

For what it's worth we were in the same position except my husband felt even more strongly than I did. Our requests were - no smoking in our house, no smoking in the car on the way to visit and we wouldn't stay overnight at hers while she was smoking. She respected all of these as she herself pointed out she knew the health risks and was happy to take them for herself but not her PFGC.

It became a non issue as she gave up when he was 9 months old.

For those who wail about the lack of proof - there is no evidence at all that jumping out of an aircraft at height is safer with a parachute than without. I'd still prefer to wear one.

Not read the thread but yanbu. My mum gave up when I had ds as she realised that it just isnt on to smoke and want to cuddle, look after dc etc whilst popping out to have a fag.

MIL has a responsibility, if she wants to be cuddling baby etc to give up or follow your rules if she is going to continue smoking.

My pet hate is MIL who says it's okay because she smokes outside when we are round there...then it is standing by the door...then she just has open window with smoke blowing back in! What is it about smokers that think an open window means all smoke goes outside?!?!?! Anyway last time we stayed there my DS was asleep on their bed while we were all still up. We have to sleep in lounge as they have tiny house. Cot was set up downstairs so we could transfer DS into it when we all went to bed. MIL leaning on cot with fag in her hand. Luckily DH told her she had better move her hand and her fag and go smoke outside. I then later find out that MIL regularly smokes in her bedroom she says it is okay because she has the window open. She smokes in bed sometimes GRRR!!! We are expected to stay there in two weeks time but the smoking thing really annoys me. She also leaves her fagbutts in my garden when she very rarely comes here

April 2, 2011 - Insidermedicine)

From Spain - A new report published in BMC Public Health describes how third hand smoke can greatly increase nicotine levels in infants. Researchers studied over 1100 babies who had at least one smoking parent. They found that children who slept in the same room as their smoking parents had 3x higher nicotine levels than children who slept in a different room.

Here

TBH one thing with the whole argument of 'My parents/my grandparents smoked around me for years and it didn't do me any harm' or the 'My parents/grandparents smoked around me for years and I have asthma/cancer, e.t.c...' argument I always find a little odd.

Some people do smoke and become seriously ill or die. Some people don't smoke and still become seriously ill with the same things or die. Likewise people do/don't smoke and live perfectly healthy lives.

People always argue the 'well it did/didn't harm me' in smoking conversations and yes that is true but at the same time the opposite has been the case for many other people.

I think it's important to understand there is a risk of cancer/asthma and whatever else being developed if you smoke or if someone smokes around you or your child. There isn't a guarantee of you will or won't get ill so the arguments all seem pretty silly.

All you can do is look at scientific evidence and experience form your own families and make a judgement call. So for example, I have a friend with severe asthma and so she is being extra cautious with her daughter and making sure she isn't around smoke as thinks it would be a silly thing to expose her to knowing that she may stand a larger than average chance of developing asthma. On the other hand I know a family where everyone has smoked and continues to live to a ripe old age. My generation of the family still smoke however they wouldn't dream of smoking in the same room as the baby but on the other hand they are less cautious about things like smoke particles on their child or being a beer garden in the summer and someone smoking on the table next to them.

What I am trying to say (in a very round about and long-winded way) is that so many people make arguments based on their own experiences and that is what I believe you should base your decisions re: smoking on but at the same time as you've had your experience, there are another 10 people who have had the opposite experience.

My FIL smokes, he smokes away from the children and just goes outside/doesn't let them see, they know he smokes though. However, they have a loving, close, relationship, lots of him throwing them up in the air, cuddles and the rest. Having reviewed the second-hand, third-hand smoke literature as part of my work, I believe the risk of anything happening to them having come in contact with his slightly smoky jacket to be so minimal to be laughable (second-hand smoking near a child/baby would be a no-no as I do believe it increases the risk of ear infections and asthma etc)

He is respectful, keeps it away from the children and he is their favourite grandparent, they adore him, for them it would be simply terrible to be apart over such a miniscule risk, but that's my judgement call.

By the way, 80% of men smoked just after WW2, so for the next couple of generations, not going near smoking grandparents would have meant not having grandparents at all.