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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit annoyed dh goes to the gym twice a week

144 replies

takeawaylover · 02/04/2011 16:16

and it infringes on our family time

we have 1 dc age 4

he goes on wed after work.

and sat afternoons

i know i could have the same amount of free time, and say have a couple of hours sat am to say o shopping or whatever, but it just seems like then we would have even less time altoghter.

and less time for our dc it would seem like we dh and i are just doing what suits us rather than our dc or the family.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 02/04/2011 18:06

What does your husband say about this. You haven't really mentioned his reasons at all.

Original poster
takeawaylover · 02/04/2011 18:09

i know its not about winning, i' not sure what we can agree on.
i'm not sure how we can comprimise

all he says is he doesn't want to go when ds is in bed, as it easier for him to go sat pm or after work

OP posts:
worraliberty · 02/04/2011 18:12

Oh well then you two are going to have to come up with a solution together.

Although to be fair, I think him spending 2.5hrs at the gym on a Sat and you all having family time on a Sun sounds like a perfect set up.

He gets what he wants on a Saturday and your get what you want on a Sunday.

nooka · 02/04/2011 18:13

It sounds like you don't think that your life together is very balanced, which is about more than just the gym sessions. My dh used to be a bodybuilder and trained four times a week, and his training did rather dominate our life (especially the vast number of meals he had to eat). It was annoying that his need to do things at certain times trumped my needs to be able to do spontaneous things as a family. But there we are life's a compromise.

Two and a half hours does seem a bit excessive , and surprising if he is just lifting weights as generally it's a short intense form of exercise. Do you live a very long way away from the gym? However weight training isn't something that you can do at any time as you need to have enough energy and for different people that means different times of day (when I weight trained if I didn't get the timing right with eating I'd black out).

I think that you need to really talk to your dh about how long you both work as well as what you both do in your leisure time and see if you can work out something more balanced together, but if his response is that you can go and send time on something you choose to do then that's a perfectly acceptable view point, and your child won't miss out if he is enjoying his one on one time with either of his parents.

hecate · 02/04/2011 18:13

ok, so why not suggest that he goes twice in the week after work, and leaves saturday free.

Original poster
takeawaylover · 02/04/2011 18:16

"why not suggest that he goes twice in the week after work, and leaves saturday free"

i have, he won't

OP posts:
Casserole · 02/04/2011 18:18

I don't think either of you are being that unreasonable, actually.

How about one week he goes twice on weeknights, then the next week he goes one weeknight and then again on Saturdays?

hecate · 02/04/2011 18:27

oh. Well then he's clearly not prepared to compromise at all.

I think you are being unreasonable to be so fixated on this idea of Family Time needing to be the whole weekend. I think you are missing the value of 1:1 time with a parent.

However, if he isn't prepared to budge at all, then he's not being reasonable either. If it is about going to the gym twice, then it doesn't matter what days. So it must be about going to the gym on a saturday specifically.

Why does he need to go on a saturday? Does he not want the whole weekend as 'family time'

Much as I love my lot, 2 solid days of family time every weekend would drive me nuts. (Which is why I am working today. working being one window open on my website and the other open on mumsnet. 5 minutes work 5 minutes mumsnet Blush) 12 hours, or 14 hours, then sleep, then wake up and another 14 hours of Lets Work Hard At Quality Family Time would really challenge me.

atm, Himself is with them. They are loving that.

upahill · 02/04/2011 18:29

Another one here thinking yabu.

You sound more manic by the thread.

What do you do for your exercise, hobbies and interest.

I would go mad if I didn't have the mountains to walk in or the trails for my bike rides or caves for my pot holing.

Everyone needs downtime and I really get your Dh saying he doesn't want to come home and go out again. If I don't go to the gym before or after work i know for a fact it won't happen. For one I go into a home mode. Also something always crops up that needs to be done.

As for weight lifting not being healthy, come on!

and even if it wasn't it is still something that he enjoys doing that isn't work or family related.
That is not a bad thing. Find yourself something interesting to do as well.

sweetygilly · 02/04/2011 18:31

YANBU. He's a very naughty boy.

louloudia · 02/04/2011 18:32

OP you are controlling and abusive, he should leave you forthwith. Failing that he should read some kind of book

just getting in the swing of what they say on the relationship page :)

minxofmancunia · 02/04/2011 18:34

YABU, I go to the gym 3x a week plus a yoga class and sometimes a bike ride/hike.

Dh goes to the gym and plays badminton and goes mountain biking too. It's what we enjoy and the dcs don't miss out although we both go once a week before work which can take some motivation!

upahill · 02/04/2011 18:36

Oh no! It's another of them threads!!
AIBU?
Yes
No I'm not because.....
We still say YABU
No I'm not because......
and so on

FreudianSlippery · 02/04/2011 18:36

YABU, I've recently joined the gym and it's making a massive difference to all of us. As well as getting fitter and setting a good example, it also releases any stress - I work it out on the treadmill so I don't end up snapping at the DCs :)

Original poster
takeawaylover · 02/04/2011 18:37

upahill m guessing you have older children!

or a nanny

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 02/04/2011 18:39

Takeaway
That isn't necessary. Upahill was not being unpleasant.

FreudianSlippery · 02/04/2011 18:39

I'd be veering Towards YANBU if your child was 4 weeks old not 4 yrs

darleneconnor · 02/04/2011 18:42

why cant he gets weights for the house so he could do more frequent but shorter sessions? This would be a good compromise surely?

How much does he spend on this? (membership/clothes/petrol)

Do you have an equal amount of 'leisure' money?

What specific things would you want to do in those time slots if he did stop going?

upahill · 02/04/2011 18:42

No nanny
I have been doing these hobbies since before the kids were born and never gave them up.
I have cut down on archery but hoping to do that in the summer.

Boys are 11 and 14 now but only missed about 7 months with each child (pre and post pregnancy) before going back to them. I went back to the gym 2 weeks after DS1 and 5 days after DS2 (easy stuff mind)

I have a DH who supports me having hobbies. I like him having his hobbies as well (following F1 around the world, photography and going to (motor)bike meets.

FabbyChic · 02/04/2011 18:44

My son goes weight training, his BMI recently reached over 30, he actually got fat whilst training on purpose, now he is on a diet.

You cannot go weight training two days on the trot you need a day away at least.

Im not sure which way you go with this, he wants to stick to what he does, and you want what you want.

It's not a relationship breaker though is it?

Maybe he meets up with mates on a Saturday.

As someone else said a full weekend of family time is too much for some, maybe it is for your husband too.

Your child is not suffering but you seem to believe he is, but honestly he is not.

upahill · 02/04/2011 18:45

Please takeaway relax a bit.
Find something you enjoy and can become passionate about. It doesn't matter if it is photography, a wine club, anything! Just so that you have an interest outside the family that is just for you.

nijinsky · 02/04/2011 18:45

takeawaylover "
he doesn't do excercise, or for health reasons
he lifts weights

its nothing to do with health.
in fact not really doing excercise but lifting weights is actually rather bad for you."

Ah, I see where you are coming from now. I agree with you, weights on there own are rather pointless other than for appearance's sake (which always strikes me as a little wierd). Presumably you wouldn't object if he went away and did a run in the hills for the same amount of time?

FabbyChic · 02/04/2011 18:46

Another poster talking about the financial side, not once has the OP mentioned finances.

Surely if you work full time you are entitled to have some money for a hobby/leisure activity? Two days a week at a gym can cost £30 to £40 a month not expensive at all.

sweetygilly · 02/04/2011 18:49

louloudia

What sort of book?

AuntyJ · 02/04/2011 18:51

YABU - This isnt about the gym its about his unwillingnes to go at different times. No nanny, 2 kids 6 & 3. Work 5days a week.I joined a gym 2 yrs ago, 2 shift pounds. I go 3 times a week to justify the cost from bedtime onwards. Hubby goes running and footie a couple of times a week. We still have family time and because I have had my time, and i'm much fitter I have got alot more energy.