AIBU to think WTF is going on?

[ScaredWorriedAndAngry]

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

having a bed is one of the basic human rights and you are failing to provide that for your children.

People are saying on this thread that of course you are a wonderful mother etc but reality is that we don't know that. The stuff you have admitted on this thread is in itself unacceptable - you don't have money to provide your children with a bed yet you have money to buy enough bottles of wine that you have bags and bags of empty bottles in your kitchen. Just exactly where are your priorities?

You are clearly in denial about the stuff you have posted on this thread - what else is going on that you haven't mentioned here?

If your children did this damage when they were little as you said, then they've been living like this for years - why? If they did the damage recently then clearly they're out of control and you're not coping.

I hope this is the wake up call you need - for your children's sake.

What a train wreck!
Get a grip, children should not be allowed to vandalise their own home.
It sounds like you can't be bothered to make any effort with anything that isn't hedonistic.

Its no wonder the police think its worth another perons opinion.

My kids are autistic and would destroy many things so they have metal framed bunk beds.... they're not that expensive I got mine from Argos.

We do get a certain amount of destruction, but again given their autism it doesn't go through that you don't do that, but we do try to repair asap so they see how things should be.

I think everyone is being a bit harsh here. The OP has said that the bed was broken a few years ago an HAD been repaired but has recently broken again so the kids are sleeping on a mattress as a stopgap. I've slept on a mattress before and found it perfectly comfy - and it isn't a permanent measure. Holes in the wall, whilst unsightly, are hardly a child protection issue.
Those of you who are suggesting the OP improve her kids attendance are probably the very same people who would be livid if someones child infected their child with d and v because they hadn't respected the schools 48hr policy.

You let your children vandalise your house and seem to think it is okay. You have a lots of empty wine bottles in your kitchen because you can't be bothered chucking them out. Can't think why the police officer would have been worried.

I agree with buttonmooncup.

Op -I wish you the best of luck. As I said from what you have said and the worry you have expressed I'm sure the police and ss will see you are great parents. There may have been a few things they wanted to check out further but they are trained to do a job and I'm sure that when they come in they will be able to assess the situation for what it is and would see Any abusive situation for what

Like I say, sleeping on a mattress in itself doesn't necessarily have to be a child protection issue.

But two children sleeping on a mattress in a room with no door and holes in the wall, in a house which is (by the OP's admission) cluttered, messy, with a kitchen filled with bags of empty wine bottles, a half finished kitchen and in a poorly decorated state is going to ring alarm bells.

Add to that a mother who admits she's too lazy/lacking in energy to sort things out or tidy up, I'm surprised that people are querying the police's intentions - to me it's quite clear that checks need to be made to a) ensure the children aren't being put at risk and b) to help mum and dad to get the house habitable asap.

I don't believe this (and by that, I don't mean I don't believe what you're saying, op).

My house must have looked like this at one point - albeit with only maybe a couple of wine bottles waiting to be recycled. My son has AS and did everything you described - the broken beds/furniture, holes in the walls, big dent in the wall heater, wallpaper stripped from the walls and ceiling, terrorised the younger ones so much that he had a room to himself and the 3 younger ones had to share a small room. I'm a single parent and I just didn't have the money to keep replacing the broken furniture. I BEGGED SS for help, for me, my son and my other kids. I didn't even get a visit.......

Part of me thinks 'fuck em', it's none of their business. You know the kids are ok even if the household is a bit hectic sometimes (whose isn't?). But if you're just looking to get them off your back, be conventional and give them what they want. How anyone can make a judgement about anyone's family after a couple of visits anyway is beyond me.....

However awful this is to you...I think it's great that the police DO act in situations where they feel that children are at risk.

I appreciate that it can be very difficult to manage when finances are tight...but keeping a place clean and tidy costs nothing...

The children's behaviour does sound rather worrying...it's not normal to be so destructive and they need to learn to respect property (there's and other people's).

You may find that the situation you are in means that you get some much needed support.

With regards to wine bottles I cleaned a lot out and kept them last year as I thought i may be able to reuse them. Could potentially have looked awful if someone had come round!

Regarding this I'm assuming yours have built up over a period? Of course this may not be the case so I would just assess in your own head and against other peoples drinking habits that yours aren't above the norm.

buttonmooncup but the op said that:

the children had jumped on the bed breaking the slats. They had a new bed but hadn't put it up for fear of the children breaking it again. They had swung on the bedroom door ripping it off its hinges and nobody had bothered to replace it. they had smashed holes in the walls. Their school attendence is poor - if this is due to illness then given the conditions they are living in it wouldn't be unreasonable to wonder whether that illness was because of malnutricion or as result of their poor living conditions.

The kitchen is full of wine bottles that the op can't be bothered to take to the bottle bank...

And what else is there that op hasn't mentioned - there's almost certainly more.

buttonmooncup I agree that some posters are being harsh when the truth is we don't know if this harshness is, or is not justified. But I posted previously about why only 1 bed and holes in wall, amongst other things would raise concerns.

In these cases concerns that SS would have are not related to decoration, sleeping on a mattress or the house looking unsightly. Please read previous posts to understand why SS are making a visit and what their concerns might be.

This is not saying that any concerns would be valid - we would have no way of knowing.

Did you say there have been break-ins you haven't noticed because of the state of your house?

Your children are 7 and 9 and don't have their own beds?

You can't honestly be surprised they are investigating you. This sounds very serious combined with all the other points. You need to get your act together.

I really hope the OP comes back with an update.

So do I Port. All though she's received a fair bit of harshness since leaving so guess she might not.

Sorry but get off your lazy arse and sort your house out.

I grew up in a house like you describe and it's called neglect.

Mooncup and others, I posted below to say why SS will have concerns about the situation the OP posted on. I am not saying that ANY of SS's concerns are necessarily justified. But these will be their concerns and they will have to investigate them.

The concerns are not about decoration, or ordinary mess or even about one of the concerns below. For example, lots of empty wine bottles in the kitchen would not be enough on its own to trigger concern. It is when you look at the range of concerns they will have, that hopefully you can understand why SS are visiting.

If you had an SN child causing damage the OP would have told the police this and the school would have confirmed it.

"They will not be bothered about ordinary mess. There concerns will be:

1. Only 1 children's bed. You say they are sharing and only on a temporary basis. But in families where children are being abused it is not uncommon for 1 child to be treated badly and others treated well. They will be concerned that second child will be sleeping somewhere inappropriate such as the bath, on the floor or even in parents bed. You obviously have a computer, why not use freecycle to get a second bed?

1. Lots of empty wine bottles, but parents say they can't afford a new bed. Concern will be whether you are very heavy drinkers and thus there is not enough money left over for you to provide the basics for your children.

1. Holes in wall. Concerns will be that this was done by an aggressive adult. Either you, your OH or a visitor. For an adult to be this aggressive, there will be concerns about whether there is DV or physical abuse of the children.

1. Food in cupboards. In families with severe neglect there is often no food in the house that could make a recognisable meal. Either literally nothing or a few odd things such as a jar of honey and cornflour. They are not looking for ultra healthy things. Just food that could make a recognisable meal e.g. fish finger, bread, baked beans, etc. If there is no food their concern will be that either the children are not being regularly fed or that they are regularly being fed on takeaways e.g. kebab for tea and leftovers for breakfast. Nobody cares about occasional takeaways e.g. once a week, but not as their usual food. Other concern will be if only food in house is sweets and crisps.

1. Lots of mess. I agree with the ex police officer that your house must be in a really bad mess for the police to notice and take action. So basics with clearing mess are:

a. Are the stairs free of clutter so that you can walk up and down safely. b. Are there clean clothes for the children in wardrobe/chest of drawers - not just all the clothes strewn around the floor in the house. c. Do the childrens beds have reasonably clean sheets and enough blankets/duvet. d. Is there a working cooker and some preparation surface for meals. e. Is there rubbish mixed in with mess on floor e.g. things that should be in a kitchen bin, discarded bits of rotten food, etc on the floor. f. Is the bath/shower clear of clutter and reasonably clean. If you have clothes/toys and other stuff stacked up in bath/shower they will be concerned that the children aren't being washed often enough. g. Is the toilet reasonably clean e.g. no poo on toilet seat. h. Is there human/animal poo on floor/furniture.

1. When your children are too ill to go to school you need to be telling the school about this first thing in the morning (you may already do). If you ring in later e.g. 10/11am, the concern will be that the children didn't make it to school because you have been heavily drinking and have only just woken up or you have a bad hangover.

1. They will be concerned if the parents are saying that their kids are boisterous enough to cause damage in the house, but the kids are well behaved at school. The concern will be whether the children are being properly supervised, or whether they are being left say for several days by themselves and cause damage out of boredom/lack of supervision.

The other thing to remember is that abusive parents lie to SS and others such as police. So SS and others are taught to not just believe what parents tell them, but to look at the facts. So for example, the bed may have only been in the garden for 2 weeks, but they won't automatically believe this.

This is why you have to show SS that things are changing/improving. Please take this seriously. For furniture/beds/kitchen units
try freecycle on the net - where people locally give away unwanted things."

OP, you say that the bed was broken and repaired and then rebroken BUT the whole time you had another bed stored in the loft....if the DC have stopped their destructive behaviour then why was the second bed not brought out sooner? Why if they have stopped the destructive behaviour have they been sharing a bed?

You are going to pay out for a double futon for one bedroom for them to share rather than pull your finger out and buy another bed and sort out dd2's bedroom. I am sorry if this offends but that is pure laziness!

I recently moved and the first thing I did was decorate and carpet DS1 and DS2s bedrooms, before we moved in their rooms were decorated anf furnished fully. I then made the living room a priority closely followed by my bedroom. I now only have the hallway to decorate.

My sons beds cost me £45 each off of gumtree and they are bloody good beds. solid pine beds with desk and bookshelf.

Prior to this move DS1's bed was off of Freecycle and DS2's £10 off of gumtree.

There is no excuse not to make sure they have beds.

As for the wine bottles well I would have raised an eyebrow at that amount you have described. I like to have a glass of wine but always ensure the bottles are thrown out asap. Laziness is not an excuse.

Now I am one of the worst when it comes to housework but I make sure the basics are done, there is always food in the cupboards/fridge/freezer. Clean clothes, and bedding.

DS1 has aspergers and has been known to destroy things but I rectify them asap anything but would teach him it is ok to do this.

DS2 is 3yrs old and writes on walls so I painted his room in yellow black board paint and his wardrobe doors in blue blackboard paint he can now freely chalk them and I wipe them clean.

DS2 has blackboard paint on his wardrobe and a blackboard on his wall - he is 12 but it sure as hell helps make sure neither write where they shouldn't!!

You need to sort yourself out asap, I had SS involved for a year due to DS1's behaviour (prior to diagnosis of aspergers this Feb) and not once did they raise concerns over the care I had for my children. At the time I had nowhere to store clothes due to severe damp yet the children were clean, fed, well cared for and each had their own bed - even though DS2 had to share a room with me as I only had a 2 bedroom property.

Does the boiler being broken mean you have no hot water or heating?

OP, theres lots of good advice on here especially from lesley and I have nothing to add except a serious note to us all
THANK GOD we live in a country where these possible indicators of a serious problem are taken seriously

on what planet would it be OK for police officers to veiw the situation described in the OP and decide nothing was wrong. these officers will be well trained, they will have seen all sorts of squalor, horriffic cases of domestic violence and child abuse/neglect - they are concerned enough by the combination of LOTS of factors, to decide they need to look into this - try to see it as a positive - either the wake up call you needed to buck up and sort things out, or a means of getting the support you may not realise you need.

And if OP deals with concerns raised, then SS will back off.

I had missed the bit about the boiler kirisox. Boiler being broken won't raise major concerns provided:

1. There is an alternative way for the children to get clean e.g. electric shower.
2. By the time winter comes, there is an alternative source of heating e.g. plug in heaters/open fires.

If there isn't these 2 things, then yes SS will be very concerned about a broken boiler.

Am I the only one who doesn't get the bed thing? In many cultures sharing sleeping places is perfectly normal. Despite each having our own bed my little brother used to get in with me every night for years. My dd didn't have her own bed until she was 3 because she was a co-sleeping baby who didn't show any inclination to move out of my kingsize. When we were given a bed it went in her room, but 3 or 4 out of 7 nights she's still in with me.

Though I completely understand that it's a combination of ALL the factors put together that is probably causing the concern - I'm not saying it shouldn't be checked out. Just a bit 'meh' at all the replies saying that beds are of such great importance...

I think people understand co sleeping every night with under fives. By the time children are 7 and 9, I think most people would expect a child to have their own bed, although they might still come into the parents bed some nights.

But I think if SS came out to a family where the children were well cared for and happy, then bed thing would not be seen as an issue. Especially if parents explained why they were co sleeping and it was based on ideas that are about what is best for the children - rather than just because the parent was too disorganised to get a bed.

However I do also think that as parents we need to accept that what is fine in some cultures is not fine in others. For example, when I was in China it wasn't uncommon to see babies/toddlers wearing trousers that are open at the bum to let them poo openly when needed. If you did that to your child in the UK, you would be very heavily criticised.

I'm not JUST talking about co-sleeping with young children though; and I completely understand that it's one factor that along with others, all added up to cause concern.

But I don't see anything wrong with sharing beds/using just mattresses etc on it's own. I don't see how having a bed could be said to be a human right as someone higher up the thread stated.

(or practicing EC similar to the babies in China actually)