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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think WTF is going on?

580 replies

ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 31/03/2011 22:35

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 31/03/2011 23:32

yes...

OP posts:
Fernie3 · 31/03/2011 23:33

I hope it all goes ok for you, I would really try to get a bed as soon as you can. We got our daughters from a charity shop it was only £10. Tbh my house is cluttered and chaotic at times but not to the level you describe. Hopefully once you show them that you are sorting it they will accept that.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 31/03/2011 23:33

I hope you are in bed asleep by now... and that actually you are so busy getting the house sorted out in the morning that you don't have time to read this until they have gone... but if you do then I hope it goes well for you. It must be very scary to be 'judged' like this :(

It doesn't sound ideal, but you already know that... you have made a good start on it.

SoDiana's post at 10.56 is really good... if you have spare time before they get there then clean the toilet, handbasin, kitchen & kids room... just get as clean and tidy as you can before they get there.

Also, ask them what they are doing about the break ins as that is what you contacted them about! Have you any idea of who it might be?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 31/03/2011 23:34

I'm unimpressed with the idea that having a messy house can mean you get SS up your arse, as well.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 31/03/2011 23:38

oops cross posted - read most of the thread, started to reply, got distracted then finished the post... you think I would have learnt not to do that by now wouldn't you!

So, your kids are 7 & 9 - are they going to be sharing the futon?

I accept that when they are little they might jump on the bed, but at their ages they should know better.

I don't really think a futon is the best answer (bloody uncomfortable and sharing isn't going to look good is it? Bunk beds would be better if you are short of room or a single bed each if you aren't.

mathanxiety · 31/03/2011 23:39
Onetoomanycornettos · 31/03/2011 23:44

I don't think it would be the mess that would alarm them, it's the lack of doors, holes in the wall (they might want to check this is just the result of boisterousness and not the result of someone being aggressive) and the lack of bed. Two older children (7 and 9) sharing a bed is unusual nowadays and I totally accept the OP's point that this is a particular time-point which they were sorting things out, but even so, I guess they have to check. Hopefully they will see it's mess and circumstances rather than anything more sinister.

Having said that, I would feel terrible about being investigated myself, absolutely terrible so I completely understand the OP's upset.

tomhardyismydh · 31/03/2011 23:45

from the sounds of it things have unwittingly spiralled out of controle for you and your family. if i were you i would work with the police on this, they have taken appropriate action and will offer you support. it is not ok or normal for your children to be behaving like this and in working with the police for guidance and support will nip it in the bud.

it is your responsibility to ensure you provide what your children need, ie warmth, food and an appropriate place to sleep. not to patronise but you seem to need some support and i hope you both recognise this and then be honest and open enough to recive it.
do the police some how think your children or someone close is responsible for the thefts, if so it is very important that you understand the seriousness of this.

Original poster
ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 31/03/2011 23:59

my kids were jumping on the bed when they were younger not now!...we fixed it and it broke again...i always wondered how OPs got in such a bind now I know..bluddy hell the devils in the detail..they don't do that stuff now..I don't leave them for hours chipping away at their room... these are all things that happened over a period of time......and now I'm on the defensive...my children are 7 & 9 how can they be responsible for stealing our property?..they mean it's a local person who knows our movements..and yes it's serious hence the reason we call the police in the first place..

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 01/04/2011 00:01

but then it's my own fault...

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 01/04/2011 00:05

They don;t do things now but you appear not to have rectified what they did years ago, this reflects badly on you. I know it's hard but you have to stay on top of things at home or things like this happen.

Your home is bad enough that someone feels your kids are not being cared for properly.

I hope it goes well for you tomorrow.

TheFallenMadonna · 01/04/2011 00:07

Curious.

If they have stopped jumping on the bed, I'd ditch the idea of a shared futon and get them an actual bed each TBH.

Fernie3 · 01/04/2011 00:07

If I were you I would try and just get the basic things done, make sure there is a bed or at least two mattresses, get food and tidy the kitchen and bathroom. I can't. Imagine that holes in plaster will concern them as much as those things so its might not be as bad as it seems if you normally have those things. hopefully just a misunderstanding and catching you at a bad time.

macdoodle · 01/04/2011 00:08

wow sorry you are worried, but your life/house does sound rather chaotic. I am a single parent with 2 "boisterous children". I am pretty rubbish at housekeeping, but my children each have a bed with bedding (even if DD2 sleeps in my bed most nights), and even though I am crap at DIY, I do try and repair or tidy any damage. At 7 and 9, they really should not be breaking beds. The wine bottles are not good.
TBH I am a GP, and if I visited a house that sounds like yours, I may have been tempted to give SS a ring. You sound a bit in denial, you are the adult. Spend less time and money on wine, and more on your home.

tomhardyismydh · 01/04/2011 00:08

please dont get on the defence, i think you need honest and open advice, that requires questions. im glad that your children dont behave like that but sadly belive me its not unheared of for children to engage in criminal activity at this age and its not ideal that they have lived like this for a while now.

i think the important thing is you accept the support your children need and you are now getting things in order.

Maryz · 01/04/2011 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suburbanslob · 01/04/2011 00:10

Oh no! Don't get upset OP! We are but random Internet people. Take on board the good advice - I don't think anyone thinks you are neglecting your children. Just sounds like a bit of a hectic home to me! Police and social workers aren't daft - I'm sure they will lay off once all is spic and span. They see appalling cases of neglect often and I'm sure this will absolutely pale into comparison.

TheSecondComing · 01/04/2011 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 01/04/2011 00:28

Thanks ladies for all your good advice and kicks up the bum, I really will take on board everything you have all said ...I will be back and let you know what happened ..goodnight

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 01/04/2011 00:30

your environmental and social circumstances do sound alarming.police have a statutory duty were children are involved to adequately investigate abd undertake collaborative sharing and work with other agencies

you detail
squalour
disrepair
empties of alcohol
admit house is "bit wild"
poor school attendance
...clearly you are not coping

readywithwellies · 01/04/2011 00:30

In the OPs defence, I couldn't tell from the inside of my house that it had been burgled. They didn't leave a mess and it took me weeks to figure out what had been taken. The only clue was the jimmied window and doors. If they had gotten in the window to start with and shut it behind them, I doubt I would have suspected as the stuff they took was stuff you could put into pockets - jewellry (old engagement ring etc), stuff you wouldn't miss unless you were looking for it.
Not all burgularies are messy.

GotArt · 01/04/2011 00:41

Skint "Do the kids have toys which are visible? I know that a lack of playthings will set alarm bells ringing." Really? God help me. There's rarely anything out in my house. I hate clutter. If DD ain't playing with it, it goes back into one on the toyboxes, but they aren't even proper toyboxes, just dining room space saver stools.

Scared Don't worry too much. Don't be defensive but be obliging when they come. If anything, it is the universe telling you its time to sort out the mess. Could be worse; a fire could've broke out.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2011 06:27

Just remember, they don't know you and you have blown your chance to make a good first impression, so try hard for the second time round.

CheerfulYank · 01/04/2011 06:47

I know how hard it can be. I'm not a tidy person by nature. I have to work very very hard at it and if I don't keep it in hand, it all goes to pot in about five seconds. And I'm notorious for starting projects and not finishing them. (Or was, I'm much better at it now! :) )

You obviously love your children and I doubt very much that you're neglectful. But, as others have said, what you describe (and I applaud your honesty in doing so) is a bit unsettling. It doesn't sound like anything that can't be rectified though! Just give it a good going over, get those girls some beds, and start taking those wine bottles away! :) (FWIW once I missed recycling pick up for two weeks due to holidays, and between my wine and my husband and brother's beer...well, let's just say I'm glad the neighbors weren't poking around in the bins.)

I just joined a thread here on MN about getting and keeping your house tidy; you can PM me if you want to join us. We'd love to have you!

Good luck, hope it all goes well!

TattyDevine · 01/04/2011 06:49

When SS/Police come make sure they are eating something with hummus on it Grin

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