AIBU to think WTF is going on?

[ScaredWorriedAndAngry]

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

Yes, I'm struggling to understand why they would share a bed.

A plea on Freecycle should get you one pretty quickly.

Scared a broken bed in the garden doesn't give a good impression. Take on board some of the excellent advice here

i think you need to be a bit more honest here......i'm an ex police officer and saw alot of living conditions, i became quite hardened to it.
it would take a fair bit of mess for an officer to start asking questions about lack of housekeeping!!

there are no other welfare issues here.......so why are others concerned?? be honest with yourself.

And I am sorry, but if you have got time and money to drink so much wine, you have got time and money to sort your living space out and not live in chaos. Even if it means packing up a load of stuff into boxes until you get around to sorting it out.

I'm sorry you are scared and worried.

We are sure you love your kids to bits, but try (and get the DCs and DH to help) to have a MAJOR declutter...

You said that the bed is in bits in the garden. Can you get hire a skip and get rid of all the bits and bobs that might be bringing the place down? Cut the lawn, buy a cheap door and screw it back on (it's not as hard as you think) etc? Can you rope in your Mum or a friend to kind the kids one saturday whilst you have a major blitz?

They have to come around if someone reports you or if they perceive there to be a potential issue, I know someone who really lived in appallingly dirty conditions with cats poo everywhere, but the children were well-cared for, loved, she had a professional job as did her husband and although it was chaotic and not ideal, they saw that there was no issue there and left after one visit. I'm sure they will also see you and your partner are caring parents and hopefully it will go no further.

BUT, I do think that a) letting children destroy their room even if it is theirs and b) not replacing a door, bed and filling in the holes is going to raise eyebrows and isn't an ideal environment for the children. At 7 and 9, they should not be destroying a bed, FGS, nor should they be damaging anything. I have two bottom-line rules in my house, one is no hurting other people, the other is that you mustn't ever damage the house. Fine to be cross and punch a pillow, not fine to punch a hole in a wall. Now could be a great time to re-establish those boundaries.

You sound really worried and I hope it works out for you tomorrow, I can see why they have put two and two together and made five, let's hope you can reassure them there isn't an issue, the poster who said stay nice and calm and not defensive was correct.

I think you're going to be fine...itsounds like you mybe don't have much help? I am messy...badly...and without my Mum I know I would sometims struggle. Having no car maks getting rid of junk really hard.

It sounds like they're mostly worried about the kids room...so aswell as cleaning generally, can you get yur DH to fill the holes in the wall? All it takes is a tub of filler from the DIY shop....andmake sure it's clean and tidy.

The thing is, it's not usual for kids to dig holes in walls....it makes it seem as though they're up there too much unsupervised....or as if lights aren't out at bedtime.

How old are they?

They didn't take big things the police belive it may be someone who knows us..and most of the time I come in from work it has been dark and I leave it's dark..it was because my DH saw it in daylight otherwise you would never have noticed...

OP, I can see you're probably getting defensive but really it's important that you heed the advice here. What you've described isn't a normal environment for children to live in. Breakages should be fixed, damage should be repaired, rubbish should be thrown out. Having a broken bed lying in your garden doesn't create a great impression either. What you've described does, to me anyway, sound unkempt, chaotic and suboptimal for children. Having said that I am sure if you can have the place clean and in order then you will have nothing to worry about. But take this as your yellow card and perhaps try to get things pulled together now - no need to be defensive :)

Ah...7 and 9.

You really need to impress on the kids that wrecking is not ok....and if they get that boisterous they need seperating and punishing.

Keeping them busy is the key....homework, playing out...cleaning.....local clubs.

Be open wit the people who come...helpful...they'll see you are a good parent...just one who is under pressure.

Umm... Even I think your story is a bit questionable TBH. I have two sisters and we were VERY boisterous but never smashed beds in. We even used to put our matress's between our bunk beds and make a makeshift trampoline but still never smashed the house up anywhere near what you are describing.

Sounds like you have had a wake up call from a bit of a downward spiral. Most people I know with kids who also work and have no outside help such as a cleaner would be hard pushed to open the door to strangers knowing everything was in order.

You do have a responsibility to make sure your kids have a home to live in which includes a bed and not too many empties lying around. You must know that as you sound like good parents, if a bit under pressure.

Fair enough a couple of bottles waiting to be deposited, but come on. You ahve a garden, could you not store empties in a big plastic box in readiness for recycling?

SoDiana's advice is great... Good luck tomorrow and remember they are just doing their job

funny thing was we already hired a skip my DH has time off during the end of April ...but I take on board what everyone has said...

actually makes me smile a bit this does, as DS1 who is 5 started to draw on our walls

He drew a teeny tiny bat on the bathroom wall and a zigzag on his bedroom wall. He got such a telling off he never did it again, but everytime I go for a wee and see that bat it makes me smile..............

Do the kids have toys which are visible? I know that a lack of playthings will set alarm bells ringing.

My DD is 3 and LOVES drawing on walls....I got her some cheap wallpaper and I pin it up on the back of a door and she goes crazy.

The wine bottles can go into your own dustbin if you are too lazy (your own words) to take them to the bottle bank.

Make sure the stairs are not cluttered with things too, as that will be classed as a hazard.

Hoover and dust.

It cant possibly be all that clean if there is clutter everywhere.

Is it just me that finds it a little Big Brother-ish that, amongst other things, standards of DIY and home maintenance can now be used to involve child protection/SS? I fully accept that certain standards of hygiene are desirable if not necessary, but doors missing from rooms, or a poor standard of decor (which seems to be a lot of what OP describes), is it really that bad?

OP, I sympathise with your situation. I have lived in a house over the past 10 years during major building works. A different situation than yours I know but my house has in that time been in a far worse state that you describe - my children also broke the wooden slats on their beds many times - and they were under 7 at the time, its quite easy to do if the wood is a bit flimsy (they now have metal framed beds!). At times we have variously lived with no proper kitchen, living room or bathroom, and for a while only one bedroom - DC had no bed and slept in ours. There is no way I would have known then if we had been burgled, unless I had come home and the door was wide open.

If your experience is anything to go by, I dread to think what would have been made of our house when it was at it's worst.....

To be fair my DS broke his Ikea slatted bed by jumping on it and he was 2 at the time. The planks are really thin.

Also, I am a bugger for not doing my recycling. The only difference is that my bags of bottles are plastic bottles and they are in the boot of my car.

That being said, definitely have a clear up and sort the girls room out so that it is a place they want to keep nice. Even if it means a couple of weekends of one of you decorating and the other taking the kids out so that it can get done it will be worth it.

Oh dear! I feel awful for you - you come across as an intelligent, loving mum. Get the house in order - you will feel much better for it. It's easy to let things slide but needs must in this case! Good luck.

A teeny tiny bat!! Ha ha! That made me smile.

Hatesponge...it can be a contributing factor. Most parents ensure their DC have a pleasant environment. Even the very poorest people make an effort to create an attractive home. Children have a need for some order and a decent place to live.

did you get a crime ref number for insurance claim op?